Severus Snape (delicate_power) wrote in indarkness_logs, @ 2010-09-14 17:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, 2032 09, jake chambers, oy, severus snape |
RP: Brooding
Characters: Severus and OPEN Jake and Oy
Time/Date: Sept. 14, early evening
Location: The roof
Warnings/Rating: TBD
Summary: Sev is a bit broken up
Status: Complete
Rule number one: don't get attached.
It had been his mantra for nearly seventeen years -- ever since Lily died. He knew better. He really did. In all those years, he had only ever broken that rule twice before. The first time was with Minerva. After a decade of teaching, when she had extended the hand of friendship to him over and over, only to have it bitten (metaphorically, of course), he finally decided that his stay at Hogwarts might have become permanent enough to risk letting her in. Granted, it had ended badly, considering he'd had to kill Dumbledore, but he still didn't regret breaking the rule, just that once.
The second time hadn't gone near so swimmingly, because that was with Draco. Severus had come to think of the boy as something like a son. Given Draco's suspicions that he was attempting to usurp Lucius's place amongst the Inner Circle of Death Eaters, however, that had ended quite badly, as well. Though he supposed the ending in that case was far preferable to Draco's rending his soul to further that abomination's plans. So, he did harbor a few more regrets in that case, but if he'd had it to do all over again, he most likely wouldn't have changed anything.
Then there was here. At first, he'd tried to tell himself, since he had been as good as a dead man before coming here, that the old rules no longer applied. This place -- far from ideal though it undoubtedly was -- was a second chance at life. So he didn't consider the friendships he had forged, or attempted to forge, here as breaking rule number one so much as ... suspending it indefinitely. But he knew better. Or he should have known better. Because no sooner had he let himself become attached than the people he'd become attached to were ripped away. He really did know better.
And yet, reading each name on the network that morning had caused him stomach to drop further and his heart to feel as if it were clenching and almost shriveling on the spot. Dana Scully, Harry Potter, Lily Evans ... each name hurting more than the last, until he thought he'd be ill, and he was certain that he had no heart left at all. He must have, however, because he was also fairly certain that it was breaking. But he really should have known better. He didn't have friends; he'd never been any good at it, and he certainly didn't know how to do it any more.
Still, he'd allowed himself to hope. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He knew better.
He'd barely resisted the urge to throw the laptop against the wall a second time. Instead, he merely closed the thing -- with excessive force -- and he'd had to get out. So he went up to the roof. Not necessarily intent on throwing himself off, but if there happened to be a high breeze ... well, he probably wouldn't complain. He didn't even care that he had his wand back and might be able to stop himself from falling to his death. But Lily had been the leader here, and somebody needed to hold people together in her absence.
Not that he was the best choice by any stretch of the imagination, but he had done so before. He couldn't cook worth a damn, of course, but there was more to being a leader than that. And he'd do it for her, just like everything else he had done since her death. Or he'd try to, at any rate. He didn't think anybody here would care for his taking charge, but he wasn't about to let people get hurt because they were unsure about what to do. He'd do it for her, and Harry, and ... Dana.
Severus wrapped his arms tightly about his chest, looking down at the island from his vantage point on high, but not really seeing anything. His eyes were too clouded from the tears that had begun to slip down his nose. The thought vaguely occurred to him that he wouldn't want anyone to see him like this, but what did it matter? The only people whose opinions really mattered to him now were gone. Shouldn't have gotten attached, he thought bitterly, scowling.
He really did know better.
[OOC: I will probably be slow replying for the next couple of days, but I wanted to get a post up anyway. :-P]