InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Say it."

Severus Snape (delicate_power) wrote in indarkness_logs,
@ 2010-08-30 09:50:00

Entry tags:

!dropped, 2032 08, dana scully, severus snape

RP: Depressed Sev is depressed
Characters: Severus and ~~OPEN~~ Scully
Time/Date: August 30, morning
Location: Room 215
Warnings/Rating: Probably none
Summary: Sev is holed up in his room, following this
Status: Player drop

Of course she hadn't known. She never would have spoken to him civilly, much less smiled, if she had. Even Lily wasn't that kind. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Severus had known that all along. As much as he liked to pretend otherwise, reality always had a nasty habit of intruding. It had all been an illusion. A beautiful one, no doubt, but an illusion nonetheless. And like all illusions, this one had to come to an end, as well.

After returning from the garden, he'd taken a gander at the network, written a couple of replies, and then ... clicked on that conversation. He'd only heard three words before he turned it off, again. He didn't need to hear any more than that. He'd relived it every day for seventeen years, after all. Nothing he might say now would make the slightest bit of difference. He could only imagine the look on Lily's face as he tried to explain (because he would never see it, now -- that much was certain).

He hadn't thought that prophecy had any more of a chance of being fulfilled than any of the hundreds of others in the Hall of Prophesy. He could never have convinced the Dark Lord to spare the boy, and he wasn't stupid enough to ask. Lily's son was the intended target, and he knew now that he would have been killed on the spot for even daring to suggest the Dark Lord alter the plan. If not by the Dark Lord himself, then by one of his fellow Death Eaters, surely. Nor could he have garnered mercy for her husband. He couldn't very well have downplayed the request by saying that he desired Potter, now could he?

In spite of what Lily had tried to tell him in school, he hadn't really known what the Death Eaters were like in the beginning. They hadn't trusted him with that information before then, because he was a half-blood. He'd had to prove his dedication to their cause, first, before he could be admitted to the Inner Circle. The prophesy had propelled him there, and oh the irony! As soon as he'd been learned of the Dark Lord's plans, the first thing he'd done was run to Dumbledore. So they'd been exactly right -- they couldn't trust him at all.

He probably ought to have told her straightaway, but wouldn't that have made for a lovely icebreaker? 'Hello. You look well. I haven't seen you in a while, and by the way, I got you killed. I hope you don't mind?' He knew, again, that this had been aimed at Lily. He never should have asked Potter to keep the information secret. Those in charge had undoubtedly been privy to that conversation, filters or no, and now Lily would never speak to him again. Not that she should, even if she wanted to learn to make Wolfsbane.

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delicate_power
2010-08-31 02:44 pm UTC (link)

Such a little thing really shouldn't affect him so profoundly, he knew. It was just a hand on his shoulder, for Merlin's sake. But like Lily's squeeze to his forearm the other day, touches were few and far between for him. Mostly because he practically wore a flashing neon sign that said 'Leave me alone!', he knew, but that was simply because it did affect him so. Because he did need human contact, and the longer he went without it, the more desperate that need became. And he'd had to go without for an incredibly long time.

The last time before Lily had squeezed his arm had been at Slughorn's Christmas party, and even he wouldn't have likely slung his arm 'round Severus's shoulders unless he'd been drunk. And that touch had made him highly uncomfortable, because it was Slughorn, and because it was obvious that he didn't actually care, and he never would have done if he'd been sober. But Dr. Scully was not drunk, and ... as pathetic as it sounded, when the pressure of her hand increased slightly on his shoulder, it made him feel like crying.

Severus closed his eyes with a sigh. They were dry and scratchy and ached from a night of going without sleep, but thankfully, if they were red, she would likely put it down to nothing more than being bloodshot. When she asked if she could get him anything, however, it was all he could do not to snort, and then ask if she had a whole soul or a clear conscience in her pocket. He could probably do with some tea, but he didn't think he could keep down food at the moment. Instead of the 'thank you, no,' that he'd intended to say, once he opened his mouth, the reply that issued forth betrayed him once again. "Don't leave," he said, in barely more than a whisper.

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rationalization
2010-09-03 01:51 am UTC (link)

Listening to the way he spoke - his voice raw, but quiet, distinctly pained - Scully couldn't help but feel that distinct pang of sympathy under her ribs, and said softly, "I won't leave. I promise." She hesitated, wanting to say something else - do something else - but unsure if she should take the next instinctive step for her. She knew from his reactions that he wasn't exactly comfortable, but he seemed to have responded fairly well. She just didn't want to overstep her bounds.

But if she kept overthinking things, she might make things worse. So without any more hesitation, she lightly stroked his back, lowering herself a little so that she was crouching by his side. She didn't say anything else, hoping that by staying close, she was helping, in whatever small capacity she could. There were a thousand questions rising, but she kept them down. They could wait.

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delicate_power
2010-09-03 02:08 am UTC (link)

Severus exhaled softly through his nose, both at her promise not to leave and the hand stroking gently over his back. That made him want to cry anew, but he managed to keep it at bay. But there was no denying that Dr. Scully's mere presence was helping -- more than she could possibly know. And more than he was capable of telling her.

"I got her killed," he whispered after a moment, then swallowed. "Lily, I mean. She was my best friend in the world. My only friend, really, and I got her killed. Because of my blasted ambition." He shook his head, and his voice had gotten progressively more constricted as he'd talked, but he forced himself to continue, however much his throat might have ached just now. "I did everything I could to try and save her, but it wasn't enough. It just ... wasn't enough."

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rationalization
2010-09-03 02:45 am UTC (link)

Scully swallowed hard at his words, shutting her eyes. She couldn't imagine how difficult that had to have been - not just to experience, but to admit, to say aloud. She knew all too well that admitting these things made them real. She kept stroking his back gently, not wanting him to think she was put off by what he'd told her.

She drew in a deep breath, and said, her voice quiet, "I'm sorry. I wish I knew what else to say, but I - I don't. I'm just..." She drew her teeth lightly over her lower lip. "I'm so sorry," she said finally. What else was there for her to say? She was sorry. He seemed so tortured - so deeply in pain - that she didn't know how else to respond.

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delicate_power
2010-09-03 03:11 am UTC (link)

True to her word, Dr. Scully didn't leave. Nor did her hand even freeze on his back, the way Severus would have expected it to. That was ... quite a relief, to be honest. So much so that he almost thought it had to be too good to be true. That she must want something from him. Though what she could possibly want, he couldn't imagine. That was simply his experience. Apart from Lily, no one had ever really wanted him around, except when he was useful.

"It's all right," he said finally, when she admitted that she didn't know what to say. What could one say to such a thing, really? But the fact that she had tried meant a great deal. "But thank you," he added, turning his head finally to look down at her, where she was crouched there beside his chair. He wanted to say more, as well, but he wasn't quite sure what could possibly follow that. But at least she hadn't left. That was promising.

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rationalization
2010-09-05 03:08 am UTC (link)

She felt the slight movement when he looked at her, and looked up at him, trying for a look of gentle sympathy. She shouldn't be so out of practice with this - she'd had to do things like notifications of family members and discussions with patients many, many times - but it was still awkward and a little difficult with someone that she knew personally. She didn't know if she was doing the right thing.

"You're welcome," she said softly. "I wish I knew what more I could do."

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delicate_power
2010-09-05 03:31 am UTC (link)

Severus shook his head, and he actually managed a small smile. "You've done more than enough," he whispered. He inhaled a ragged breath and then licked his lips, again wanting to say more, but not sure what he could possibly say that did not sound wholly pathetic.

'Thank you for not finding me too disgusting to comfort' sprang to mind, but he turned to face the wall again, hopefully before she could see the scowl that crossed his face just then. He didn't give a damn if he'd disgusted Dumbledore, or any number of people from back home. But he ... couldn't say the same for her.

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