InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Okay!"

Severus Snape (delicate_power) wrote in indarkness_logs,
@ 2010-08-30 09:50:00

Entry tags:

!dropped, 2032 08, dana scully, severus snape

RP: Depressed Sev is depressed
Characters: Severus and ~~OPEN~~ Scully
Time/Date: August 30, morning
Location: Room 215
Warnings/Rating: Probably none
Summary: Sev is holed up in his room, following this
Status: Player drop

Of course she hadn't known. She never would have spoken to him civilly, much less smiled, if she had. Even Lily wasn't that kind. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Severus had known that all along. As much as he liked to pretend otherwise, reality always had a nasty habit of intruding. It had all been an illusion. A beautiful one, no doubt, but an illusion nonetheless. And like all illusions, this one had to come to an end, as well.

After returning from the garden, he'd taken a gander at the network, written a couple of replies, and then ... clicked on that conversation. He'd only heard three words before he turned it off, again. He didn't need to hear any more than that. He'd relived it every day for seventeen years, after all. Nothing he might say now would make the slightest bit of difference. He could only imagine the look on Lily's face as he tried to explain (because he would never see it, now -- that much was certain).

He hadn't thought that prophecy had any more of a chance of being fulfilled than any of the hundreds of others in the Hall of Prophesy. He could never have convinced the Dark Lord to spare the boy, and he wasn't stupid enough to ask. Lily's son was the intended target, and he knew now that he would have been killed on the spot for even daring to suggest the Dark Lord alter the plan. If not by the Dark Lord himself, then by one of his fellow Death Eaters, surely. Nor could he have garnered mercy for her husband. He couldn't very well have downplayed the request by saying that he desired Potter, now could he?

In spite of what Lily had tried to tell him in school, he hadn't really known what the Death Eaters were like in the beginning. They hadn't trusted him with that information before then, because he was a half-blood. He'd had to prove his dedication to their cause, first, before he could be admitted to the Inner Circle. The prophesy had propelled him there, and oh the irony! As soon as he'd been learned of the Dark Lord's plans, the first thing he'd done was run to Dumbledore. So they'd been exactly right -- they couldn't trust him at all.

He probably ought to have told her straightaway, but wouldn't that have made for a lovely icebreaker? 'Hello. You look well. I haven't seen you in a while, and by the way, I got you killed. I hope you don't mind?' He knew, again, that this had been aimed at Lily. He never should have asked Potter to keep the information secret. Those in charge had undoubtedly been privy to that conversation, filters or no, and now Lily would never speak to him again. Not that she should, even if she wanted to learn to make Wolfsbane.

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rationalization
2010-08-30 06:36 pm UTC (link)

Scully hadn't known what to make of what she'd heard.

She'd recognized Severus' voice very quickly, and if there'd been any doubt, the man he was speaking to had addressed her by name. She didn't understand a good half of what they were talking about, but she had the sinking feeling that it was bad. Very bad. And she told herself - this was Severus, the man who had smiled at her in the library, let her intrude upon his privacy, invited her to that meeting. He'd even blushed a little in front of her. She hadn't gotten that familiar prickling feeling of unease around him. That first meeting had made her - well - trust him. She knew she shouldn't follow her intuition on this, that there was no real basis for her trust of him, but she couldn't rid herself of the feeling.

She owed it to him to make sure that he was all right, at least. So she made her way up to his room, hesitating every now and again. If the lack of him around the hotel was any indication, he didn't want anyone to bother him. If something as unpleasant as that had been broadcast about her, she'd want to hide, too. But she was nothing if not irritatingly, obnoxiously persistent, right? She was a government employee, after all. So when she reached his door finally, she smoothed out her blouse, cleared her throat awkwardly, and knocked.

She called softly, "Professor?"

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delicate_power
2010-08-30 07:59 pm UTC (link)

"Go away," Severus answered, slightly muffled, because he hadn't bothered to remove his hand from where it was covering his mouth. In fact, he hadn't bothered to move at all since the night before, when he had thrown the laptop against the wall. As kind as it was of Dr. Scully to come and check on him, and as much as he appreciated the gesture, he wasn't fit to be in the company of decent people. As that snippet of conversation no doubt said.

Even if she hadn't understood the entire thing, she wasn't stupid; she would know that from having heard it. So why was she here? Part of him wanted to know, but at the same time, another part wanted her to stay as far away from him as she possibly could. Granted, he didn't think his blasted ambition and lack of foresight might get her killed, as well, but he didn't want to take any chances, either.

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rationalization
2010-08-31 03:00 am UTC (link)

Scully sighed. The response hadn't been unexpected, but it was still disappointing. She'd have to try and come at this from a slightly different angle, then - he wasn't going to just let her in, no questions asked. She took a moment to gather her faculties and leaned a little closer to the door so that he could hear her, as she felt it best she lower her voice a bit. She didn't want to be shouting everything for the whole hallway to hear.

"Professor," she said, making sure she was loud enough to be heard, "you made me an offer before. You said that if I needed to, I was welcome to come to you to talk." She swallowed, remembering the preceding event - the recorded conversation with Reyes. Not something she enjoyed hearing again, after over a hundred years. "I'd like to make that offer mutual." She hesitated, then added, "Let me help. Please."

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delicate_power
2010-08-31 03:18 am UTC (link)

She couldn't help. That was what Severus wanted to say. That he'd made his bed, and he needed to lie in in, and ... he really shouldn't be thinking about beds, just now. Especially in connection with her. But as much as he wanted to tell her to go away again, he also didn't want to. Even if he was fairly certain she couldn't help.

His stomach still twisted at the offer, and he opened his mouth to reply again. But nothing came out. Nothing at all. So instead, he simply pulled his wand. Then he waved it at the door to open it. He would probably regret it, or she would, but there was still no denying that he wanted to see her. Even if it was only because she still wanted to see him.

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rationalization
2010-08-31 03:35 am UTC (link)

Scully startled a little when the door swung open of its own accord, but then she reminded herself: werewolves. Magic. Wizards. This was what he was. So she stepped inside, keeping her expression calm, and shut the door again behind her. He looked as though he'd been sitting at the desk for hours - stiff, tense, uncomfortable. Although a good half - if not all - of that was probably because of what had happened.

She crossed the room carefully, sidestepping what looked like a laptop, and hesitated for a moment, standing at a small distance. Just because he'd let her in, it didn't mean he really wanted to talk. So she had to make her case quickly. So to speak. She reached out and touched his shoulder, as lightly as she could, and murmured, "I don't know what any of that meant. I don't know who it was you were talking to. I don't know about a - a prophecy, or Lily, or anyone named Potter."

"But I do know that it upset you," she said softly. That as much was clear, wasn't it? "And that's what matters to me. Not any of the rest of it."

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delicate_power
2010-08-31 03:51 am UTC (link)

Severus tried not to wince at the touch to his shoulder. It was light -- barely noticeable, even -- but it still wasn't something he was exactly used to. It wasn't the touch that bothered him so much, however, as it was his desire to lean into her hand and take whatever comfort she wanted to offer him. But he shouldn't do that. He should tell her to leave. Shouldn't he?

What she said made him swallow, hard, and then inhale a ragged breath. He wanted to ask why. Why did it matter to her? Yes, when she'd been upset, it had mattered to him, but ... he'd never expected that feeling to remotely approach mutual. Instead of asking why, however, when his mouth opened this time, a croaked, "Thank you," came out.

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rationalization
2010-08-31 04:39 am UTC (link)

A positive response wasn't what she had been expecting, but she'd accept it - gladly. Encouraged, she let her hand rest more fully on his shoulder, and she replied gently, "You're welcome." She paused briefly, trying to gather herself to figure out what to say next. If she was too pushy, it might make him angry; if she didn't express enough interest, it would make the whole gesture seem hollow. And it was anything but. Just at the sight of him from the doorway, she'd felt a pang of distress and sympathy. No one should have been hurt like that, least of all Severus.

"Is there something I can do? Anything I can get you?" she asked softly. "Do you need food, or something to drink?" She kept her tone somewhat settled, trying not to sound too insistent. She wanted to make him comfortable, not assuage her own conscience.

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delicate_power
2010-08-31 02:44 pm UTC (link)

Such a little thing really shouldn't affect him so profoundly, he knew. It was just a hand on his shoulder, for Merlin's sake. But like Lily's squeeze to his forearm the other day, touches were few and far between for him. Mostly because he practically wore a flashing neon sign that said 'Leave me alone!', he knew, but that was simply because it did affect him so. Because he did need human contact, and the longer he went without it, the more desperate that need became. And he'd had to go without for an incredibly long time.

The last time before Lily had squeezed his arm had been at Slughorn's Christmas party, and even he wouldn't have likely slung his arm 'round Severus's shoulders unless he'd been drunk. And that touch had made him highly uncomfortable, because it was Slughorn, and because it was obvious that he didn't actually care, and he never would have done if he'd been sober. But Dr. Scully was not drunk, and ... as pathetic as it sounded, when the pressure of her hand increased slightly on his shoulder, it made him feel like crying.

Severus closed his eyes with a sigh. They were dry and scratchy and ached from a night of going without sleep, but thankfully, if they were red, she would likely put it down to nothing more than being bloodshot. When she asked if she could get him anything, however, it was all he could do not to snort, and then ask if she had a whole soul or a clear conscience in her pocket. He could probably do with some tea, but he didn't think he could keep down food at the moment. Instead of the 'thank you, no,' that he'd intended to say, once he opened his mouth, the reply that issued forth betrayed him once again. "Don't leave," he said, in barely more than a whisper.

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rationalization
2010-09-03 01:51 am UTC (link)

Listening to the way he spoke - his voice raw, but quiet, distinctly pained - Scully couldn't help but feel that distinct pang of sympathy under her ribs, and said softly, "I won't leave. I promise." She hesitated, wanting to say something else - do something else - but unsure if she should take the next instinctive step for her. She knew from his reactions that he wasn't exactly comfortable, but he seemed to have responded fairly well. She just didn't want to overstep her bounds.

But if she kept overthinking things, she might make things worse. So without any more hesitation, she lightly stroked his back, lowering herself a little so that she was crouching by his side. She didn't say anything else, hoping that by staying close, she was helping, in whatever small capacity she could. There were a thousand questions rising, but she kept them down. They could wait.

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delicate_power
2010-09-03 02:08 am UTC (link)

Severus exhaled softly through his nose, both at her promise not to leave and the hand stroking gently over his back. That made him want to cry anew, but he managed to keep it at bay. But there was no denying that Dr. Scully's mere presence was helping -- more than she could possibly know. And more than he was capable of telling her.

"I got her killed," he whispered after a moment, then swallowed. "Lily, I mean. She was my best friend in the world. My only friend, really, and I got her killed. Because of my blasted ambition." He shook his head, and his voice had gotten progressively more constricted as he'd talked, but he forced himself to continue, however much his throat might have ached just now. "I did everything I could to try and save her, but it wasn't enough. It just ... wasn't enough."

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rationalization
2010-09-03 02:45 am UTC (link)

Scully swallowed hard at his words, shutting her eyes. She couldn't imagine how difficult that had to have been - not just to experience, but to admit, to say aloud. She knew all too well that admitting these things made them real. She kept stroking his back gently, not wanting him to think she was put off by what he'd told her.

She drew in a deep breath, and said, her voice quiet, "I'm sorry. I wish I knew what else to say, but I - I don't. I'm just..." She drew her teeth lightly over her lower lip. "I'm so sorry," she said finally. What else was there for her to say? She was sorry. He seemed so tortured - so deeply in pain - that she didn't know how else to respond.

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delicate_power
2010-09-03 03:11 am UTC (link)

True to her word, Dr. Scully didn't leave. Nor did her hand even freeze on his back, the way Severus would have expected it to. That was ... quite a relief, to be honest. So much so that he almost thought it had to be too good to be true. That she must want something from him. Though what she could possibly want, he couldn't imagine. That was simply his experience. Apart from Lily, no one had ever really wanted him around, except when he was useful.

"It's all right," he said finally, when she admitted that she didn't know what to say. What could one say to such a thing, really? But the fact that she had tried meant a great deal. "But thank you," he added, turning his head finally to look down at her, where she was crouched there beside his chair. He wanted to say more, as well, but he wasn't quite sure what could possibly follow that. But at least she hadn't left. That was promising.

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rationalization
2010-09-05 03:08 am UTC (link)

She felt the slight movement when he looked at her, and looked up at him, trying for a look of gentle sympathy. She shouldn't be so out of practice with this - she'd had to do things like notifications of family members and discussions with patients many, many times - but it was still awkward and a little difficult with someone that she knew personally. She didn't know if she was doing the right thing.

"You're welcome," she said softly. "I wish I knew what more I could do."

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delicate_power
2010-09-05 03:31 am UTC (link)

Severus shook his head, and he actually managed a small smile. "You've done more than enough," he whispered. He inhaled a ragged breath and then licked his lips, again wanting to say more, but not sure what he could possibly say that did not sound wholly pathetic.

'Thank you for not finding me too disgusting to comfort' sprang to mind, but he turned to face the wall again, hopefully before she could see the scowl that crossed his face just then. He didn't give a damn if he'd disgusted Dumbledore, or any number of people from back home. But he ... couldn't say the same for her.

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