Sirius Black in the Restricted Section with a Wizarding Chess Piece Title: Cluedo Author:blpaintchart Character: Sirius Black Location: Restricted Section Object: Wizarding chess piece Other Characters: Remus Lupin Rating: R Warnings: Swearing Word Count: 4,300 Disclaimer: The characters don’t belong to me, and I make no money from playing with them. Author's Notes: Cluedo is a board game which is known as Clue in the US
“Hey, Moony me old mucker! You’ll never guess what I’ve just been doing.”
“Hello, Sirius.”
“Go on, Guess what I've been doing!”
“Why? You said yourself I’d never be able to.”
“Aww, Moony don’t be so arsey.”
“So you want me to try and guess something which you’ve already decided is absolutely impossible for me to do?”
“That’s right.”
“Piss off, Padfoot.”
“Well, that’s charming!”
“Sirius, please leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m busy with my Transfig essay?”
“Don’t be such a swot, Moony. You’ll turn into a boring old woman.”
“That’s easy for you to say; you haven’t got two essays and a report due in by Friday.”
“Sod the school work! Don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing?”
“No! I want to finish my work, see the Ravenclaw prefects about the duty rota, and then go to bed.”
“Really? You dirty...”
“To sleep.”
“Oh yeah? With...?”
“Alone.”
“Blimey Moony, you’re so squeaky clean and uptight, you ought to be a tampon.”
“Ha bloody ha.”
“Yep, that’s the idea!”
“Please feel free to bugger off and leave me in peace at any time.”
“Nah, I think I’ll stay.”
“Pity.”
“So are you going to guess...”
“You’ve been having a wank.”
“Fuck! You’re right. How the fuck did...?”
“How did I guess?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, the way you burst in here, demanding that I guess what you’d been up to, it was bloody obvious that it had to be something sexual.”
“Oh. But I might have been...”
“Shagging a girl? I think not.”
“Oi, you git! I’ll have you know I’m a total fanny magnet!”
“I’m not denying it.”
“Right. So how do you know I haven’t knobbed anyone today?”
“It’s obvious.”
“How the fuck do you know? Have you been spying on me, you pervert?”
“Of course not. If I want to see you wanking, all I have to do is look round your curtains every bloody night.”
“Fair point. So how do you know?”
“Well, you only ever get this excited about things of a sexual nature.”
“That’s because I’m a...”
“Complete hound. Thank you, I’m aware.”
“I was going to say ‘sensual, red-blooded and energetic youth’... but I think I might prefer your description.”
“So it’s obvious that you’ve just had a quickie, and can’t wait to reveal all the sordid details. Even if the only audience you can find is a ‘boring old woman’ like me.”
“Well I’m sorry, but you need to lighten up on the studying. You need someone like me who's grown a pair to set you an example, mate.”
“How very thoughtful.”
“But you haven’t answered my question; how did you know that I hadn’t been busy up a bit of skirt?”
“Pads, if a girl had actually let you get any further than a bit of snogging and tit-groping, you would have said so before I’d finished saying, ‘Hello Sirius.’ I wouldn’t even have had a chance to mention my essays before being swamped by all the gory details. Don’t try to deny it.”
“Oh. So you worked all that out in your head?”
“Yes, I did. It’s called thinking logically. You should try it sometime.”
“Nah, I think I’ll stick to getting off. Play to your strengths, I reckon.”
“I couldn’t agree more. So why don’t you just toss off and leave me in peace?”
“Do you know, I think I just might.”
“Good.”
“But first, I’m going to let you into a little secret.”
“Must you? I’m really very busy.”
“Oh, you’ll want to know about this all right. It’s a very exciting little secret.”
“If it’s some new wanking technique you’ve discovered, then...”
“Cunting shitbags, Remus! How the fuck did you know that?”
“It’s obvious you’re still going on about this great secret that I wasn’t supposed to be able to guess.”
“Shit! Anyway you’ll want to hear about this; it’s the fucking business.”
“Or perhaps the dog’s bollocks?”
“Nice pun, mate. Very original, I don’t think.”
“Unlike your new technique; which has apparently enabled you to come harder and farther than you have ever experienced before.”
“Prick on a stick! You’re not wrong there. How did you guess?"
“Simply by using my brain. Mind you, that blob of spunk on your trousers is a bit of a giveaway.”
“Well, that’s a relief. I don’t fancy you knowing exactly what I’ve been doing. Or who.”
“I bet you don’t.”
“Damn right. I need to maintain some air of mystery.”
“Good. Now bugger off with your secrets and leave me to do my work.”
“I will.”
“Excellent.”
“Once I tell you what I’ve discovered. You’ll want to hear this, Moony. Really you will!”
“No, I ...”
“You know how I left the dorm earlier after that complete twat punched me?”
“By ‘complete twat’, I assume you’re referring to your best friend?”
“Well, yeah. But you gotta admit, Jamesy-boy was right out of order. I mean, belting me for no reason!”
“So, calling his Lily a... what was it? Oh yes, a ‘prissy annoying cow’ and asking personal questions about her body seems like ‘no reason’ to you?”
“Well, it didn’t warrant a bloody punching! And can you honestly say you haven’t wondered whether her pubes are ginger too?”
“I honestly haven’t.”
“Oh. Well, if you don’t mind me saying, that’s a bit weird, mate. Anyway once I’d showed that twat what was what...”
“Once you’d flounced out of the common room in a big girly sulk when we refused to play any more Cluedo, you mean.”
“Oi! There’s no need to be like that. Prongs was being such an arse about playing!”
“He just gets fed up that you won’t play any other games. Like chess, for example.”
“That’s bollocks, Moony, and you know it! Chess is a game for swots, wankers, and bloody old geezers. No offence, mate. James is just pissed off cos I always win the Cluedo.”
“Well, perhaps.”
“He ought to be used to it by now. I said it was Professor Plum in the conservatory with the fucking lead pipe, and was I right?”
“Well, yes.”
“Of course I was! I’m the fucking Cluedo champion, me!”
“That’s true. Out of the whole of our dormitory of four, you are undoubtedly the best Cluedo player. You must be very proud.”
“Yeah, well you know me; I don’t like to boast.”
“So where did you go, then?”
“Well, I knew that Jamesy-boy would probably come after me, to try and make some pathetic apology...”
“Actually...”
“So, I decided to go where he would never think of looking for me. Guess! Bet you can’t!”
“The...”
“Where is the last place you’d expect to find Sirius Fucking Black on a Friday night?”
“... Library.”
“Oh. You’re right, you wanker.”
“Padfoot in the Library. I suppose there’s a first time for everything. So tell me, did you enjoy this novel encounter with educational resources?”
“It was a bit of a surprise, to be honest.”
“You don’t say.”
“Well, I thought I’d be alone, you know, so I’ve already got my hands my pockets, starting a game of the old pocket billiards, when I heard a voice. Nearly gave me heart failure!”
“You’ve lost me there.”
“Well, I wasn’t expecting anyone to be inside! I mean, what sort of sad bastard goes into the Library on a Friday night?”
“Er...”
“Don’t answer that. So anyway, I get further in, and fuck me, if there isn’t a table full of skirt in there already!”
“Ah. But you didn’t...”
“Course not! They weren’t proper crumpet; only second and third years, and mostly only C-list anyway. Although there was that dark-haired Ravenclaw fifth year, you know the one; tits like melons.”
“No I don’t, actually. So what did you do then?”
“So, I walked past them, smooth as you like and said, ‘Evening, ladies. It’s getting a bit late. Do you need someone to fuck you in bed? Whoops, did I say fuck? Of course I meant tuck! I don’t know what’s come over me.’ You should have seen ‘em, Moony! Blushing and giggling and shit! I tell you; birds love a bit of innuendo. I reckon I could have had any of ‘em right there! Not that I wanted to, they weren’t really up to my exacting Sirius standards.”
“So you said.”
“Well, I sauntered past their table, hands still in the old pockets to hide the stiffy of course, then I go straight up to the Restricted Section to get some privacy. And a bit of quiet, cos those birds are still giggling and whispering stuff about me, you know; how much they fancy me and that.”
“Yeah, of course they are, Pads.”
“Anyway, I didn’t realised quite how worked up I’d got until I pulled the old pants open, then... fuck me!”
“You were hard?”
“Only enough to beat a bludger with!”
“Ooh, impressive!”
“You said it. So, I’m starting to tug, and I’ve got that feeling, you know, that I’m not gonna last very long....”
“You’ve already started wanking?”
“Fuck yeah!”
“But what if somebody had followed you?”
“No chance, mate. The wards I put up were the fucking business.”
“Oh. You left that bit out.”
“Well, I was only going to talk about the important stuff. Didn’t realise that old granny Lupin would rather swap warding spells than talk about jacking off. Would you be interested to know which spells I favour in such situations?”
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind...”
“Piss off, you boring bastard! Right, so I’m tugging away, and then suddenly, I’m shooting my load all up...”
“That was a bit quick.”
“Well, yeah. I think it was the fight with Prongs that did it.”
“You get turned on by arguing with a friend?”
“Fuck, no! I’m not a pervert. I meant all that adrenalin in my body. I was all pumped up.”
“Apparently so.”
“Right. So I’ve shot my load, and I’m just trying, you know, to get my breath back a bit, when I hear this awful noise. Like a sort of screeching.”
“Had one of the girls sneaked in and caught sight of your nob?”
“Oh, ha bloody ha. No. It was a fucking book making the noise!”
“Really?”
“Straight up. My spunk had gone so far, it hit the spine of this book, and... well, you know how most of the stuff in the Restricted Section is under freaky bloody spells and shit? This particular one had some dark magic and as soon as I jizzed on it, it went fucking ballistic!”
“No!”
“Yeah! So this bloody book is screaming and swearing, and banging on about me being an ‘evil defiler of literature’ and stuff, as if this book is something so pissing special that a dollop of spunk is gonna ruin it.”
“Perhaps it was a valuable book. Could have been a limited ed-jism!”
“Oh, aren’t you the fucking comedian? It wasn’t bloody funny at the time, I can tell you!”
“No?”
“No. I suddenly remembered what Madame Pince said; you know, how some of those books are charmed to cast shrinking or even shredding spells?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“That is not the kind of thought you need when you’re standing cock-out in front of a vengeful fucking book, believe me!”
“Too right, Pads. I bet you scarpered out of there a bit bloody quick!”
“Nah. I cast an Incendio on the fucker and stayed for another wank.”
“I can’t believe you, Pads!”
“It’s true! It probably only takes me a couple of minutes to get ready for action again; if that. Sirius Minor here always rises to the occasion.”
“No, I meant I can’t believe you set fire to a precious library book!”
“Hey, when you’re forced to make the choice of whether to save a lump of old parchment or this prime piece of pork, you get your priorities straight.”
“Hmm.”
“So, there I am, deciding how exactly to go about this second toss. You know how once you’ve already come, everything’s a bit less urgent for round two? Well, I thought I’d take a bit of time, think of ways to make it a bit special, try something new, perhaps.”
“Ah, a luxury wank!”
“You’ve got it. So, I sit on the floor cos my knees are still a bit wobbly...”
“Understandable.”
“... and push my trousers right down; I don’t want to get any jizz on them!”
“Except you did. I saw it.”
“Will you stop interrupting, you tosser?”
“I think we’ve already established who the tosser is tonight.”
“Yeah, yeah. So then I’m pushing my pants down, but only to about here.”
“Halfway down your thighs. Why?”
“Aha! I’m glad you asked, mate. You see, today I’m wearing a nice new pair; firm but stretchy, and I find that if I shove them down to here they hold my thighs with just the right amount of pressure to tense against. Any lower and the feeling is lost cos you have to spread your knees too far, but any higher and it interferes with the old bollocks, which, although that can afford great pleasure in certain situations, is not the precise feeling I was after on this particular occasion.”
“Fucking hell, Sirius! You’ve turned wanking into some kind of literary science.”
“Well, the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black knows a thing or two about the Noble and Most Ancient Art of Self Abuse, believe me!”
“If you put half as much thought into your school work as you do into your tossing, you would be...”
“The most boring bastard alive.”
“Oh.”
“So, where was I? Oh, that’s right, I’ve got the pants in place, and now I’ve started on the old five-knuckle shuffle. I considered sitting on my hand for a while; you know, to make it go completely numb so it feels like someone else is jacking me off, but I decide I need to find something new. And seeing as this poxy library has no jazz mags on offer, it looks like I’m a bit stuck for a bit of stimulation.”
“Yeah, well libraries aren’t usually famous for their collections of wank fodder. Especially school libraries. I thought you knew that?”
“Mate, at that stage, I’d even have been happy with a book of artistic nudes.”
“Fair point.”
“Anyway, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that any jerk-friendly images will have to be ones of my own making, and so I’m flicking through all the tasty things I can think of.”
“Such as?”
“Oh, you know mate. The same stuff you jack off to, I bet.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Course they are! Madame Rosmerta in that low-cut blouse... catching a glimpse of Mandy Harrington’s knickers... the picture of that blonde with the shaven haven in Peter’s jazz mag, and the time we sneaked in to the greenhouses to catch those seventh- years going at it!”
“No, I don’t...”
“You must remember that night! That bird was getting a right good fingering from...”
“The sandy-haired Hufflepuff chaser.”
“Yeah, I think so. Her top was open, and he had one hand squeezing her tits and...”
“His cock was quite thick, he seemed to be rubbing it...”
“Up her thigh. Her legs were a bit skinny for my liking, but let’s be honest...”
“And large, firm balls, a dusky pink colour...”
“... who’s gonna be looking at legs when you can get an eyeful of minge?”
“Thick and hard.”
“What? Moony? Are you alright?”
“Pardon? Oh, yes. Just lost in thought for a minute.”
“You wanna stop that, it can’t be good for your health. It’s not natural.”
“What isn’t?”
“Thinking.”
“Oh. Yeah. Right.”
“So, there I am, and, fantasy-wise, I’ve decided to go with the time I saw Artemis La Salle popping those smashing bristols out of her bra in the girl’s changing rooms.”
“Why were you in the girls changing rooms?”
“Long story, mate.”
“OK, I think I’d rather not know.”
“Right, so I’m thinking about Artemis, and I’m starting with a slow, gentle pace, just to get my rhythm going. This time round, there’s gonna be no rushing.”
“Nice.”
“Damn right. I’m holding on nice and firmly cos I want to see how far I can make my foreskin stretch over the tip. You know how you can get it to bunch up on top?”
“Oh yes.”
“It was doing quite well to start with; there was enough slack to collect over the head. Looked rather good actually, like a little crinkly flower or something.”
“How romantic.”
“Piss off! But anyway, you know how you can only do that for a minute, cos then the pressure builds up, and before you know where you are, your stiffy is so fucking enormous that it’s taken up all the slack, and there’s hardly any left to play with.”
“Yep.”
“Right. Well, I’m at that stage by now. My bollocks are firming up nicely too, and so I’m starting to speed up with my fist, but still keeping it gentle and steady, cos I want to really savour this one.”
“I understand.”
“Course you do. So, I’m just getting into the pace I’ve set, and I wriggle my hips, and then... fuck me! Something drops out of my trouser pocket; you’ll never guess what it is!”
“The white Bishop from James’ chess set.”
“Sodding piss flaps, Moony! How the fuck did you know that? Are you sure you don’t have special wolfy powers? It’s bloody uncanny.”
“Not at all, Pads. You forget that I was back in the dorm when we tried to play a chess game just after you’d picked up a few pieces and flung them everywhere during your big girly strop. The only one we couldn’t find was the white...”
“Bishop.”
“Yep. Have you still got it on you?”
“Fuck yeah.”
“Oh good. James was quite upset that it might be lost.”
“Oh no. There’s no way I could mislay that little baby!”
“Pardon?”
“Well, when I noticed it had dropped out of my pocket and onto the floor, I picked it up...”
“Yes.”
“... and... well, here... look at it!”
“OK.”
“What do you see?”
“A chess piece.”
“Yeah. But look closer, what does it remind you of?”
“A Bishop?”
“Well, yeah. But look at it really closely. The head has a meaty bulbous end with a definite ridge beneath, and the way the whole piece tapers out gradually and then ends on a great ball-shaped base....”
“I’m impressed by your sudden powers of observation and description, Pads!”
“... it’s just a small marble cock!”
“And, indeed your artistic delicacy.”
“So, there I am, mid-wank, got the right horn, and this little stone prick just seems to appear from nowhere. Well, you can imagine how lucky I’m beginning to feel now!”
“Erm...”
“Look, I don’t want you getting the wrong idea or anything, it’s just that, well, I’ve already shot my wad once...”
“Yes...”
“And I’d established that there were no slut pics to be had in that dump.”
“When you say ‘dump’, I take it you mean that section of the Library which houses all the priceless books from over a thousand years of formal magical education.”
“Well, whatever. But for some reason, I’m suddenly thinking that it might me a good idea to do something with this chess piece.”
“Do something?”
“Er... yeah. As I say, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything.”
“Why should I?”
“No reason. Just... you won’t tell anyone else, will you?”
“Tell anyone what?”
“Listen, what I’m gonna say now is just between us, right?”
“If you say so, Padfoot.”
“Alright. So, this chess piece is in my hand, right? And it’s all cold and smooth and... heavy. And you know, even though I’m really getting myself off on this vision of La Salle’s tits bouncing out of their little lacy prison, I need just a bit more, you know?”
“Oh yeah. I know.”
“So, I wonder what it would feel like if I just...”
“What?”
“I don’t want you to laugh, now.”
“I won’t laugh, Pads. I swear.”
“And I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of pervert, either.”
“As if I’d think that!”
“So I wonder how it would feel to push this chess piece inside just a little bit.”
“Oh.”
“You know, mother fist and her five daughters are still tugging away there on the old nob. And I’m still thinking about Artemis’ melons. Or perhaps I’ve moved on to my imaginary picture of Mandy Harrington having a naked Quidditch accident, so it’s not like I’m a poof or anything.”
“Of course not.”
“But I just wanted to know what it would feel like. To have this inside. Inside me.”
“Oh, I see. And?”
“Well, first I cast a lubrication charm.”
“Very wise.”
“And then I started just toying with my pucker. Just to get the feel of it, as it were.”
“Again, very wise.”
“How would you know?”
“Erm...”
“Anyway, all the while I’m still fisting my nob... in fact I think I might have started to speed up a bit at this point.”
“Understandable.”
“And it’s fucking weird, cos now I’m starting to think about the feelings around my arsehole, and I’m a bit surprised, to be honest, cos the sensation is all I can concentrate on. Even the glorious tits from the changing rooms aren’t quite as exciting as the feel of that slick bulb of cold marble teasing at my tradesman’s.”
“Blimey, Sirius! I didn’t realise...”
“Yeah, OK, I know it might sound a bit poncy. But have you ever tried it?”
“Well, I...”
“Look, let’s get one thing straight: I’m Sirius Fucking Black! All the birds throw themselves at me. I’m a fucking fanny magnet! There’s no way I’m a queer, so you don’t need to feel uncomfortable, Moony.”
“Oh, believe me, I never feel uncomfortable around you.”
“So I start pushing it up a bit, and first of all, it feels a bit tight. But then, all of a sudden, it’s like my hole can’t get enough, and it’s grabbing the chess piece, like it wants to swallow it up. Acting like it’s some greedy cunt or something. It’s unbelievable.”
“Sounds like it.”
“And as it’s going in further, it sort of rubs against something inside, and... fuck me! I think I’m seeing fucking stars! It’s bloody amazing. For a minute, I can’t even think straight and I lose my tugging rhythm, but it doesn’t matter cos the pressure inside me keeps the old cock hard and throbbing anyway. You have no idea what it feels like.”
“Well, actually...”
“It’s fucking fantastic! Anyway, there I am, adjusting to the feeling, and so I start jerking myself again, but slower now, cos I’ve suddenly upped the stakes with this, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to last too much longer...”
“I’ll bet!”
“When suddenly I get this spasm in my bloody arse!”
“No!”
“Yes! Like I’m being knifed up the shitter. It’s no fucking joke, I can tell you.”
“No. What was it?”
“Well, that’s what I wanted to know. I wondered if all the things you hear about the dangers of tossing off are true. If I was going to get a prolapsed catflap or whatever it is that supposedly happens to the habitual wanker.”
“I thought it was supposed to lead to hairy palms and blindness.”
“Really? Nah, that can’t be true. If it was, the Slytherin common room would be knee-deep in guide dogs.”
“Of course it’s not true, you div! So what was causing this spasm?”
“Well, I’m glad you asked, my little wolfy chum. It took me a couple of minutes to realise: it was the fucking chess piece!”
“Eh?”
“Well, you know how the chess pieces get all animated and aggressive during a game?”
“Oh yes.”
“This piece had really started going for a tussle! It obviously thought it was facing the enemy.”
“When, in reality, it was more likely to be facing an enema.”
“Moony, do us both a favour, eh? Give the jokes a rest.”
“So, you’re stuck with a vicious chess piece of doom pummelling your rectum. What on earth did you do?”
“Mate, there was only one thing I could do!”
“And that was?”
“Sit back and enjoy it.”
“What?”
“Look, I know it might sound a bit fucking freaky, but I know that you’re not gonna tell anyone this, so between you and me, it was actually bloody good.”
“Really?”
“Really. I tell you, these poofs might be onto something. Not that I’d ever consider taking someone’s cock up my arse. That’s just fucking sick, if you ask me.”
“Still as tolerant as ever then, Pads?”
“Well, I ask you, what sane bloke would chose a prick over a nice bit of minge?”
“I’m not going to answer that.”
“Mind you, putting something small in your hole is the fucking business, I tell you. You want to try it sometime.”
“I’ll bear that in mind, thanks.”
“Yep. Once I got used to the squirming and that, it felt fucking brilliant. There I was, bashing the bishop with one hand, while inside, the bishop was bashing me! I laughed so hard I came all over another stupid book.”
“Not another screamer?”
“Nah, this one had a replicating charm on it.”
“Oh, that was a relief.”
“You’re fucking joking, aren’t you? I had to get out of there quick: I was ankle-deep in spunk in a couple of minutes!”
“You are unbelieveable.”
“Thanks mate. You’re not so bad yourself!”
“I meant your complete disregard for property, you fool!”
“Aww, don’t be like that, Moony. Still, you’ll be pleased to know that I did learn something from this evening, apart from my new hand-shandy technique.”
“Really? What’s that?”
“I’ve smartened up my games technique, too. No more Professor Plum in the conservatory, with the lead piping crap. From now on it’s gonna be Sirius Black in the Restricted Section with a wizarding chess piece. That’s the way to play fucking Cluedo.”