InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "mmmmmmm tweak"

αℓєχ υ∂ιησν ஜ knows how to live with the pain (russiandoll) wrote in freedomtownic,
@ 2014-06-28 18:49:00

Entry tags:

~alexandra udinov (russiandoll), ~bruce wayne, ~nikola tesla

I know everyone on this ship can't be squeaky clean, where can I find some heroin? Or hell, I'll take just about anything right now.

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_starlord_
2014-06-29 02:40 am UTC (link)

Whoa there, honey.

I admit to having NO idea what you're going through right now. This has to be hard on all of you. But you still can't be going around all LA-DI-DA asking for heroine.

Number one... there's nothing like that here. Only drugs we got here are for healing purposes. We got NOTHING that's gonna make you high.

Second... WE HAVE LAW ENFORCEMENT HERE. Seriously. This probably isn't the best course of action.

But look: this isn't me being a wise-ass, or a flirt, or ANYTHING. This is me caring. I don't know you, and I don't know what's bothering you. But I do know that you're a young, beautiful woman who's better than this. Be strong, ok? Where are you? I'd like to come and talk to you. No tricks, no ulterior motives. Just let me come chat with you.

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	katebeckett 2014-06-29 02:54 am UTC (link)
	All of that. Though you can't actually arrest someone for asking for drugs, Quill. You have to be in possession of them. Best thing to do, go to the hospital and detox under medical care. Otherwise its gonna be a rough ride. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 12:42 pm UTC (link)
	I'm not actually on anything right now, I just want to be. I need...something. If someone has a gun I can use, that'd be fine too. But I was going for an OD. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 04:48 pm UTC (link)
	Kind of a really personal question, but is there any season you want to kill yourself? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 04:48 pm UTC (link)
	Because everyone I love dies and now it's my turn. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 04:51 pm UTC (link)
	Taking a guess that your determination is less about being brought here and more about something that happened at home? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 04:52 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah. Sean's dead and it's my fault. I'm cursed or something. So now I have to die before anyone else I care about dies instead. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 04:55 pm UTC (link)
	I'm sorry he's dead, I know how it feels to loose someone you love. But, in an effort to be logical, no one you love is here right now, are they? So why kill yourself for no reason? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 04:56 pm UTC (link)
	I do have reason. I couldn't save my father. I couldn't save the girls at the brothel. Larissa. I couldn't save Sean. I can't save all of you, so it's really better if I'm just gone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

katebeckett
2014-06-29 04:59 pm UTC (link)

Well, the beauty of the thing? Saving people isn't your job if you don't want it to be. That's my job. You are here, and I know its weird and scary, but here you can basically start over.

And I know about loss. I couldn't save my mom or my fiance. It almost killed me, but I'm still here. Still fighting because, really, I know that they'd be disappointed if I just gave up.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 05:01 pm UTC (link)
	I have no one left, and it's my fault Sean died. So I deserve it. Rachel was trying to shoot me. I'm just fixing her mistake. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 05:03 pm UTC (link)
	So find new people. Make a new life. I don't know how Sean died, but if Rachel didn't shoot you there was a reason. Probably that it wasn't how you are meant to die, and, therefore, it wasn't a mistake. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 05:04 pm UTC (link)
	No, I'm meant to take my own life. I understand now. I have no reason to live. Sean's not the only one who is dead, and it's my fault. I started the mutiny...I should have known Amanda did something to me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 05:07 pm UTC (link)
	Well, if someone did something to you without your knowledge or permission? Definitely not your fault. And if you've run out of reasons to live, you find a new one. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 05:10 pm UTC (link)
	Why are you trying to save me? I'm sure there are far more deserving people. And maybe it's not over, whatever Amanda did..I could snap and hurt a lot of people. It's really best for everyone if I'm gone. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 05:12 pm UTC (link)
	Because you are here, and you need help. Well, tell you what, you and I will take a trip over to the hospital. They can run some tests, see if anything strange shows up, and we can decide what to do then. Though I promise you it isn't going to involve killing you but maybe trying to fix the problem. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 05:14 pm UTC (link)
	You're not going to detect anything. Our systems were high tech and no one knew that Amanda had messed with my head until it was too late. She had me in her chair and no one knew. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 05:17 pm UTC (link)
	Mmmm, the systems here are pretty high tech too. You'd be surprised. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 05:18 pm UTC (link)
	It doesn't matter. I just want to be free. I'm not going to live like this anymore. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 05:19 pm UTC (link)
	It doesn't matter because you don't care or because you are scared to know or, worse, live without it? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

russiandoll
2014-06-29 05:24 pm UTC (link)

I don't care. I have nothing anymore. I betrayed all my friends, people are dead because of me. It doesn't matter if Amanda planted the seed, I let it grown...I thought it was me. How can I ever face them after that?

Listen to me, this is an appropriate ending to my story. I saw my father killed in front of me when I was thirteen, I was saved...but then I was sold into sex trafficking, I became addicted to drugs. I'm clean now, but it doesn't matter. The woman who saved me from the fire found me a few years later, living on the streets doing whatever I could for a fix. She got me clean, and told me about the people who killed my father. When she wouldn't let me join the fight, I tried to kill myself, she saved me again. She finally let me join the fight. And I betrayed her and everyone else. My fight is over, I just want peace.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

katebeckett
2014-06-29 05:30 pm UTC (link)

And, as I've told you, there's no reason to fight here. The horrible truth of it is that if you want to kill yourself, I can't stop you. I don't like that option, but since going through some emotional stuff isn't illegal, I can't arrest you and keep you under supervision so that you don't attempt anything. We don't have drugs here that will allow you to OD, and it's not easy to get a gun, but you and I both know there are other ways to make it happen.

I hope you don't kill yourself. I hope that you either take a trip to the hospital and allow them to help you, or come and find me or someone else who can lead you to the same general path. I get you are hurting, that you want it to end, but this could be a second chance. You can either look at it as the end, or you can look at it as the start of an entirely new book that you get to write without the manipulation and emotional turmoil of the past.

Ultimately, the choice is yours. And if you need me, you'll know where I am. My name is Kate Beckett.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 05:34 pm UTC (link)
	If I don't have a reason to fight, I've got nothing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	katebeckett 2014-06-29 05:35 pm UTC (link)
	Then once you get your head back in a good place, we can talk about giving you something proactive to do in protecting the ship. But that requires sticking around. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

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russiandoll, 2014-06-29 05:36 pm UTC

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katebeckett, 2014-06-29 05:38 pm UTC

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russiandoll, 2014-06-29 05:39 pm UTC

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katebeckett, 2014-06-29 05:40 pm UTC

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russiandoll, 2014-06-29 05:42 pm UTC

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katebeckett, 2014-06-29 05:43 pm UTC

	russiandoll 2014-06-29 12:44 pm UTC (link)
	Lock me up and I'm still going to find a way to kill myself. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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