Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "hello to germany"

_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-03 01:47:00

Entry tags:

ch: bdh: andromeda tonks, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: Andromeda^BDH & Sirius^KNAP
What: Seeking out some family
When: Aug. 3, evening
Where: Her room
Warnings: Angst?

He had decided to seek her out sometime after they had spoken in the journals. He just hadn't known when that movie was until he was already heading toward her room. Maybe it was a little too brash -- but he just needed somebody who wasn't a part of the world he had come from. No conversation was ever easy when it came to them. Everything came with expectations and far too many emotions. And he loved being around Sirilla, but he knew that he could board himself up in her room.

And Andromeda, even she wasn't his Andromeda, was family. He needed to know how to make things right with her, even if wasn't precisely fixing the problems just yet.

It was only when he knocked on her door that he remember that everyone else was considering this Christmas Eve. He probably should have brought a gift -- although she was probably with people, so it was probably just stupid of him to come. But he could say hello, he figured. He could make that step.

(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-03 06:25 am UTC (link)

He was surprised to find that he was just happy to see her. With Remus and James -- he was still more scared. There was still that punch of emotion, that uncomfortable mixture that was born of his fear and his hate and his guilt. But Andromeda -- he was just quietly relieved, happy to see her in the most sincere of ways. Maybe it was because Bellatrix had never tried to turn him against her. He had made the decision to simply avoid her, worried that that relationship had been sacrificed when the Marauders and the Order had been split. He had never been angry with her; he had just always quietly missed her.

And he knew, again, that it wasn't his Andromeda, but she was such a familiar sight, that he couldn't help but smile, the action almost shy. He wanted to hug her, but he didn't. He kept back a little, keeping himself in check. The sixteen-year-old in him would have been astonished at how often he kept himself controlled, but he was too wary in general, and he was too wary of being hurt again in particular.

"Hello, Andromeda," he answered. "I didn't think to bring anything," he said by way of apology, turning his hands toward her for a moment. "But I wanted to see you." He paused. "I hope that's okay."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-03 06:37 am UTC (link)

Andromeda responded unconsciously to his expression, to the fact that he was glad to see her, even if he was keeping it under control. Ted and Nymphadora had been her anchors, the family that needed and wanted her even when they disagreed and fought; having lost that anchor, she had been able to keep at least something of a grasp on her sanity through Theodore, while he was young enough to need her care. Now that he was grown and disappointed in her, she was holding on to no one, but could not help responding whenever someone reached out to her.

"It's alright," she said. "I don't particularly want anything, to be honest." She stepped back and to the side, opening the door wider so that he could come in. "I'm not the best company, I'm afraid, but you're welcome to come in anyway if you like. I have Christmas cookies and a bottle of wine, if any of that appeals to you."

Although she'd dreaded seeing anyone, she couldn't very well turn him away. And she wasn't suffering too much from his company thus far, although they'd only just greeted each other, so whether she'd end up wishing she were alone remained to be seen. "You're the newest Sirius, aren't you?" she asked after a moment. "I'm sorry to have to ask, it's just that I haven't actually seen all of you enough to tell you apart." Wryly, she added, "In some ways I suppose it's rather handy to be the only version of myself."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-03 06:46 am UTC (link)

"Thank you," Sirius answered, although, at the moment, he didn't particularly want either. Really, he wanted everyone to stop pretending that it was a holiday just because a couple of scientists had said it was so. It made seem even worse that he wasn't getting along with anybody, that there was some kind of extra strain. It was ridiculous.

"Yeah, I am," he answered, feeling a little weird even as he said it. He hadn't met any of the male versions of himself -- and he thought that was probably going to have to be the strangest thing. He hadn't really thought about it too hard, even after meeting Sirilla, caught up as he was in everything else that was happening. Did they know about him? Had Sirilla told him? Did they think less of him for deserting his James?

"Have you met any versions of yourself?" Sirius asked.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-03 06:59 am UTC (link)

He hadn't accepted either offer, but one of the tins of cookies was sitting on the coffee table near the chairs she led him to. Andromeda did not reach for them herself when she sat down; she had offered them out of politeness, but she had no interest in them, either. Wine might take the edge off, but she refused to turn to liquor to solve her problems. She did not need more vices, and substituting one vice for another was not helpful.

"I thought you might be," she said. He and the baby world version of himself were the only two to directly reach out to her so far, and he was very obviously not the Sirius she'd been talking to earlier; it was a simple process of elimination. "I arrived at the same time as another version of myself, and she was the first person I spoke to. It was exceptionally disconcerting, I have to say. She disappeared quickly, though, and I never did get to meet her in person."

She rested her hands in her lap, thumb running restlessly over the knuckles of her opposite hand. Idle hands, she thought, not for the first time that night, and immediately preoccupied her hands-- however briefly-- with the task of pulling her hair up and pinning it back from her face. "I can't say I'm terribly disappointed. I think she would have put me to shame."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-05 04:42 am UTC (link)

Sirius didn't really want to sit, but did. He still knew well enough that it made other people nervous if there was somebody pacing about the room. He wasn't even sure really when he had picked up the habit. Maybe this onslaught of energy had always driven him, kept him moving at perpetually. But some dark part of him also wondered if it had only happened when he had started cataloguing how best it was to keep the advantage in any given situation. He sank down into the chair and pressed his hands against his knees.

"It's weird meeting a version of yourself," Sirius said with something of a dry laugh. "All those things you could have been." And somehow, he thought it was a little easier that he had only met Sirilla so far. He thought it was going to be much stranger when he actually ran into a male version of himself. Maybe it would just hit a little closer to home

"What?" Sirius asked before he could stop himself, because he couldn't help but be surprised. He figured that was part of his fear of meeting the other Sirius -- Sirilla had already marked him as the "serious one." Different from the rest. Not what he had once been. But he was surprised to hear Andromeda voice the sentiment.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-05 04:59 am UTC (link)

Andromeda wanted to pace as well -- had been pacing restlessly, before he arrived -- but she instinctively sat and held herself in check, to be polite. To appear normal. To keep up the facade.

"Yes," she said, nodding. "I've heard about a few alternate futures for myself, now, but I only spoke to one other Andromeda. She was older, and had been through many of the same things, but she was at peace with it all." She sighed, and clasped her hands in her lap, watching him with a benign curiosity. "You have some idea of what I'm talking about, don't you? You've certainly had a less peaceful life than the version of you from the baby world."

Bellatrix had been in his head. That was what he'd told her. She didn't even know what that meant, but the idea of it frightened her. Her elder sister haunted her enough without even being alive.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-05 05:11 am UTC (link)

A less peaceful life. He thought that was bot the best and the most difficult way to describe exactly what he he had come from -- no, what was still happening. And it was a perfect description.

He hadn't known what to expect when he had sought out Andromeda. Perhaps the pretense of some kind of happy, family moment. But suddenly, he found himself thrown back into the issues that he'd been grappling with since arriving here. And it was strange, because she had no involvement with them -- but apparently could understand. Understand, in maybe a way that Sirilla couldn't even.

"Yeah, I know what you're talking about," Sirius responded, his voice a little low.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-05 05:16 am UTC (link)

"I'm sorry," Andromeda said. "You don't have to talk about any of it. I'm just-- Salazar, it's just that this Christmas world is driving me absolutely mad. I'm not holding my tongue the way I should."

Frustration grew in her tone as she continued, and by the end of it she was too annoyed with herself to remain seated. She got up, and busied herself making a pot of tea a little ways away, using the familiar routine to compose herself. Talking about things had not made anything better, it just made the rest of her emotions want to spill out, made it harder to pretend that everything was alright. "Perhaps I'll be better company after I've had a bit of tea. Would you like some?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-05 05:22 am UTC (link)

"It's fine," Sirius reassured her, because the last thing he wanted to do after that was make her feel bad about asking. "I'm just fairly certain that everyone has to prefer their Sirius a little more upbeat," Sirius said, and he managed to tease her, wearing something of a wry grin that didn't have barely any bitterness to it -- it was probably the most he'd sounded like himself since arriving in this weird place.

"Don't hold your tongue then," Sirius answered, shrugging idly. They were family -- him and her, the outcast Blacks. They had always understood each other a bit better than most. They knew where they had come from, knew that darkness that could always pinch at the corner of the soul, no matter how hard you tried to outrun it.

"Though if you're going to make tea anyway, I won't turn it down," he said.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-05 05:34 am UTC (link)

"Actually, I was on the verge of throttling one of the upbeat versions of you just now," Andromeda said with a slight smile. "I tried to talk to him about -- well, everything, really. Merlin knows why, it was a terrible idea. His sympathy was..." She trailed off, shaking her head. "I really dislike sympathy. Sympathy and disappointment. I'd like to do away with both of those things."

She looked up at him, caught his wry grin, and found herself returning it with a wry smile of her own, despite herself. She even gave a little laugh, and finished fixing the tea before rejoining him. She set the tea service on the table, and offered him one of the cups, before taking her own. With a lighter, slightly dry tone, she continued, "Well. Suffice to say that my mistakes played a very large part in starting a war, which then became the point of divergence for my entire world. And I've only heard about how awful it gets since coming here. It's horrific, really, how this place makes you come face to face with all of your mistakes and imperfections."

Why she was telling him this, she didn't know, but holding her tongue really was impossible tonight, apparently. She raised a slightly amused eyebrow at him over her cup as she lifted it to her mouth to blow lightly on the hot tea. Half serious, half joking, she added, "And if you say something about how you're sorry or you want to help me fix all of it, I might smack you."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-05 05:47 am UTC (link)

It was almost a relief to hear her say something like that; it alleviated some of his need to pretend that he was some version of himself that had come through life untainted. He relaxed. It was something he was aware of even as it happened -- and maybe that was because the only person he had completely relaxed around since arriving was Sirilla. He loved Lily, he did. But things were different with her now.

"I'm really sorry for all the times I'll say sorry then," Sirius answered, unable to resist a bit of cheek now. He hoped it would make the discussion a little easier. That their lives were both fucked up, but maybe they could talk about it?

"It's strange how the sympathy and disappointment come hand in hand, isn't it?" he asked, his tone a little more serious -- because that's what he felt he was getting on every side as well.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-05 05:56 am UTC (link)

He had managed to get another smile out of her. A small and wry one, but a real one, not the kind she had put on for the other versions of her daughter, for Ted, for her grandchildren. Genuinely amused, she said, "You always were a cheeky one."

She took a sip of her tea, enjoying the bitter taste, and then lowered the cup. She let out a long breath and attempted to relax back into her chair, which was easier than the first time she'd sat down. Whether it was the tea or the fact that their conversation was actually going rather well, she wasn't sure, but she certainly wasn't putting any energy into keeping up a pretense anymore. That was a nice reprieve.

"Yes," she said. "They're disappointed and hurt, but they're such good and honest people that they forgive you anyway." She thought of Teddy, and the idea of him made a flicker of pain cross her face. His disappointment and distrust was so hard to bear, but when he insisted that he didn't want any other version of her, when he said that he had probably already forgiven her even though he was still hurt... that made it all a million times worse. "And that, of course, only makes you feel like an even more terrible person."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-05 06:15 am UTC (link)

A cheeky one. He couldn't even remember the last time that anybody had called him anything like that. But it made him so happy, made his chest feel a little tight, when she spoke to him like that. Because, really, he had thought he had lost something when he had found that Bella had betrayed him. It had been selfish of him, because he'd wanted to take some part of his family with him. But Andromeda -- Andromeda had always been so much more than Bellatrix, able to see not only his potential, but also just love him for his flaws. And tell him off when he was being stupid with needing to cast him out of her life.

He'd missed her. So much.

It was exactly how he felt about James -- all the time now. All that consistent belief, and the way he looked at him. The way he forgave him so easily, and the way he just expected more and more and more, and Sirius had flat out told him, that he wasn't that person James wanted anymore. And still --

"I'm still so angry with them," Sirius confessed, his voice still soft. "And maybe I have no right, but --" The anger coiled inside him all the time anyway, a rage that surfaced its head whenever it felt like. Uncontrollable and unexplainable.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-05 06:26 am UTC (link)

"What are you angry with them about, Sirius?" Andromeda asked. Her voice was quiet, too, but not with sympathy or pity. She watched him, relatively calmly, her hands curled around her cup. "Everyone has a right to feel the way they feel."

That was a lesson she'd learned early on, she and Sirius both. A lesson they'd learned in childhood, that they shouldn't have to suffocate their own emotions and desires for the sake of their family. That they shouldn't be forced to be something they weren't.

It was different for Andromeda now, of course. She had turned into them anyway, had become the coil of twisted emotions that her sister had been, that drove her to violence. But she still had a choice, surely; there was still some hope for her, there had to be. Some kind of redemption, some kind of purpose. She did believe that, but she had very thoroughly lost her way, and finding it again seemed nearly impossible.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-05 06:47 am UTC (link)

"I don't even know," Sirius answered, and his voice belied that he knew the painful irony of what he was saying and was having a difficult time with it. He pressed one hand up to his mouth for a minute. "I mean, that's the real fucked up part of it, isn't it? I don't have any right to be mad with them. I'm the one that --"

He cut himself off, realizing that he was rambling. But it was true: he was the traitor. Remus and James had never even done anything against him. They had been fair better friends to him than he to them, apparently.

And he felt bad all the same, because he hadn't meant to unload this all on Andromeda.

"I'm sorry," he said finally -- and grinned as he said it, even if it wasn't quite as genuine as before.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

andspiralling
2012-08-05 07:04 am UTC (link)

Andromeda listened to him, trying to piece together what he was saying. "You said Bellatrix was in your head," she said. "She made you distrust me. Did she also make you angry?" She gave him a wry smile. "She's very good at that."

The vast majority of her vindictive rage was directed at her sister. If it had been someone else, anyone else -- someone she didn't love, despite all the bitterness between them -- maybe she could have coped. But her sister had taken so much from her, her own sister. The violent betrayal of it was just as horrifying as the grief. How had the other Andromeda coped with that? Had there been no involvement from Bella, in her world?

She smiled too, and ran her fingers over the curve of her cup's handle. "You can tell me, Sirius. If you want to."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

_rebelrebel
2012-08-14 05:43 am UTC (link)

"She didn't make me distrust you," Sirius answered, and there was something of a sad smile on his face. But he felt he had to be honest on this point. There was no doubt that she had made him distrust Remus and James. But Andromeda was a murkier subject. There had never been the same pressure there had been with his friends. But there had been a sort of warning, the eternal possibility that she might side with them instead of him. Maybe if he had tried harder, Bella would have deterred him. But he hadn't tried harder on that front. He had given up his cousin too readily.

"I don't know," he said, because he didn't. He was angry enough on his own. But he and Bella had never been an especially good combination. They fed off each other in the worst sort of ways. Who knew where his anger ended and hers began now?

"She made me think that they were my enemies," Sirius said finally. "And I planned all sorts of awful ways to kill them."

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Read comments) -