Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "poke"

Aoi, Misaki (pinksunbeam) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2009-11-27 22:19:00

Entry tags:

Who: Misaki and Maeko
When: After the whole discovery of S!Tom
Where: Dorm room
What: Talk about the party and what happened after
Why: Because we're evil I tell you...

Misaki was sitting on the bed and sighed as she read what happened at the party after her little vanishing act with Keiichi. She felt bad about what had happened earlier in the evening and knew that Maeko was going to probably have something to say about it. She was mentally prepared for anything.

Her body was still sore, and she had to wonder if her clothing still had a smell from...No she wouldn't dare to think like that. Maeko would probably freak out if she knew.

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 05:54 am UTC (link)

"Ah...well a bit. I just...I just wasn't comfortable. It was...I don't know. I would have been better at some sort of small place. With friends, I would have thought Kozue-chan would have wanted that. And then she was asking me why I wasn't drinking and things about me being a virgin," Misaki explained. The younger girl shrugged.

"So...I mean him being drunk and all." She blushed deeply. "I know I shouldn't have bothered you two if you were really going to make out with him. I just..." she paused and rubbed her hands into her skirt. "I just got ahead of myself."

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-28 06:03 am UTC (link)

"I dunno. Sagaki-senpai's outburst aside, I think Kondo-san was enjoying herself. She seems to enjoy being in larger places and surrounded by people."

"We weren't going to. Even drunk, he wouldn't do anything I wasn't okay with." Maeko continued to spin her chair from side to side absentmindedly as she spoke. "You don't need to worry about me."

She'd decided to pretend the arguing last night hadn't happenned.

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 06:09 am UTC (link)

"Yes but...sometimes I just worry that you're going to be too understanding of him. Then..." she paused and looked at her. "Hey Maeko-chan, why have you never told me you love me? I don't mean in the same way you love Sempai, I just mean like...love me as a friend. I mean...do you? Or are you still making yourself like me?"

Misaki thought about that a moment and nodded, "Yeah, but...I don't know. I just think that Kozue-chan might like some smaller party...Maybe...maybe after we get Sagaki-san back we can celebrate some."

She rubbed her arm and looked at the computer on her desk, "Hey Maeko-chan...would you miss me if I went to Tokyo?"

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-28 06:19 am UTC (link)

"Huh? Because you never asked, of course." Maeko said as if it was the simplest thing in the world. "Of course I do."

She did a full, slow spin, thinking. She waited until the chair was facing Misaki again to continue. "If you want to arrange something like that then I can help, I guess..."

She was a little alarmed by that but didn't stop spinning.

"...like, forever?"

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 06:26 am UTC (link)

Misaki paused, got up and walked over to the chair stopping it from spinning. She looked down at Maeko, "You have it wrong Maeko-chan. You don't ask someone to tell you that they love you. It has to come from them. You have to actually feel it here." She gently poked Maeko in the chest. "You say you do, but do you really mean it. I...I wasn't sure Keiichi-sempai meant it when he first told me he liked me, but now..."

She hesitated, looked down and blushed, then shook it off. "Now I know that he does really mean it. He means it a lot more then I thought, But I can't tell if you really mean it or not Maeko. You...you some times say thing that I think you want people to hear, but..." she paused again as if trying to work out the thoughts that were swirling in her mind. She let out a small hissing breath to calm herself down. "But do you really mean them when you say them?"

Another pause about the question and she looked at Maeko, "What if it was? What if I did go away to Tokyo and didn't come back? Would you honestly miss me? I know Keiichi would, but...would you?"

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-28 06:42 am UTC (link)

Maeko seemed a little disappointed by the now stationary chair. She looked up.

"Yes. Of course I mean it." She said, nodding.

For a second something passed over her face. Fear, disgust, absolute rage? It was gone as quickly as it appeared and her expression once again became neutral. She attempted to start spinning the chair again but was still held in place.

"Why do you even need to ask?"

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 06:47 am UTC (link)

"Because I don't believe you," Misaki told her honestly and still held the chair and looked at her in the eyes. "Because I heard you say it to Kanaye-sempai, and...I can't tell...and it hurts. it hurts to not know how you honestly feel about me. I don't want to feel like there some wall between us. Because I'm not as scared as I was to be honest with you, but you seem to still be scared about being honest with me."

Misaki looked at her, a pain ran through her face, "I don't want to feel like there's a wall there Maeko-chan. I'm asking because...I want to know how you feel. I want to know what's real and what's not. That party felt...fake. Like...I don't know how to explain it. When I was with Keiichi-kun, we went for ice cream and that felt normal. That felt like something you can do with someone you love and care about. I just want to be able to feel that same feeling around you."

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	giantfruitbyday 2009-11-28 06:57 am UTC (link)
	Maeko's expression didn't change any further, still completely neutral. "No you don't." She said after a few seconds. "What's not normal about when we go for cake? If you want icecream we can get that instead." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 07:05 am UTC (link)

"Yes I do Maeko chan! I have to deal with this with my family I don't want to have to deal with it with you. I want to know the truth. Even if it hurts, I want to know okay!" Misaki explained to her testily.

"You're missing the point, I love going for you out with cake, but I don't want to feel like you're doing it out of some obligation to me. Like me for me, not because you feel you have to!" She stated and gripped her arm. "I want to know that you care about me, me, Misaki. And not because you feel you have to. I gave you that necklace because I genuinely love and care about you. I'd risk my life for you because I care that much. I just want...to know truthfully, if you feel the same way or not."

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	giantfruitbyday 2009-11-28 07:12 am UTC (link)
	"If that's all that matters to you." Maeko was still calm enough. In the absence of the ability to spin around, she rubbed nervously at her left hand with the fingertips of her right. "I care about you. If it was necisarry for your safety and happiness, I'd give my life in a heartbeat. If that's how you feel then yes, I feel the same way." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 07:19 am UTC (link)

"You don't get it do you, stop scratching your hands and listen to me! Just for one second. Forget everything okay! Just try to think and not think about what matters to me and such. What matters to you is what's important Maeko. What you feel." Misaki sighed and crouched down to look at Maeko in the eyes. "Maeko chan...it's not about just my happiness. I want you to be happy. I know you care about me, but why? Careing about me because I'm something to take care of isn't what I want our relationship to be about. I want to share things with you I can't with other people."

She sighed, "Maeko-chan...I need to know that you really do care about me because I'm really really scared about where my relationship with Keiichi sempai is headed okay. And I want you to be there for me, but I don't know if you will be because sometimes I can't tell if you really mean what you say to me or if you're just saying it because you feel that it's going to make me happy. And I don't want you to say it because you think it's going to make me happy. I want you to say it because it's what you want to say. Becuase you feel that way..."

Misaki blinked, "Does that make any sense? Can you understand what I mean?"

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	giantfruitbyday 2009-11-28 07:27 am UTC (link)
	"I'm not scratching my hands." Maeko said, scratching her hands. She seemed confused for a second. "I care about you because I've always cared about you. Whether I forced myself to originally or not doesn't change the fact that I care now. I'll be there if that's all you're worried about." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 07:33 am UTC (link)

"That's not what I'm asking you, and you are scratching your hands.." Misaki grabbed hold of Maeko's hands. "Maeko-chan, stop it please. You say you care now, but why? What's the reason? That's what I need you to understand. Don't you get it. Friends care about each other because they love one another. They WANT to be there for them. I don't want you still forcing yourself! I hate when you do that!"

She sighed into the hands and blinked, "Maeko...I...the night of the party after I left with Keiichi-kun. We went back to his dorm and we..."Misaki bit her lip. "We were intimate."

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-28 07:49 am UTC (link)

Oh. Her hand had openned up again. When did that happen? She pressed her heel carefully on the castor of the chair, placing force onto it and removing force quietly.

"I'm not forcing myself any more. It became normal a long time ago. It was normal before all of this started."

The neutral expression was finally replaced with a concerned one at the topic change.

"...do you regret it?" She asked, a little concerned herself by the fact that the first thing that came to mind was where she had put the knife that Misaki's shadow used.

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 10:17 pm UTC (link)

"I...I don't think so. I mean I liked it, it's just..I'm sore and I kept thinking after all of it, weather or not it's love or if it was just...just us being teenagers or..." Misaki looked at her softly and rubbed Maeko's hands. She looked at the hands and blinked.

"Then why to you keep scratching at them. Something becoming normal and something that...that you want to do becuase you feel that you enjoy that persons company is two very different things. I should ask then, do you actually enjoy being around me? Do you really honestly enjoy my company."

Misaki looked up at her with sad eyes that plainly wanted the truth from her no matter what Maeko said. Did she regreat sleeping with Keiichi. No, but a part of her wondered if it was the right time. She enjoyed it but...a part of her felt a drift. She didn't know if you were supposed to feel this way after your first time. It was like she had lost something and didn't know how to find it.

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-28 10:32 pm UTC (link)

Apparently calmed for now, Maeko did not approach the box where she'd hidden Shadow Misaki's knife and immediately head for the boys dorms. She considered this a great achievememt.

"As long as you don't regret it..." Maeko said, irritated. Of course something like that would have been Keiichi's 'proof that he loved her'. Of course it would be something she was incapable of.

"I'm not scrtching them, they just keep openning up. Of course I enjoy being around you..." Maeko said, sighing. She sounded like she was going to say something more but trailed off instead.

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 10:39 pm UTC (link)

Misaki looked at her for a bit and leaned up to kiss her forehead and cheek soflty. "But...there was a but there Maeko-chan. Please...don't hold back from me. You're my best friend. The family...you're the one person that I really do consider my soulmate, as silly as that sounds. I want to be able to share everything I can with you."

She crouched down to look at Maeko and paused at the irritation. "Maeko chan, you're not okay with this are you."

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	giantfruitbyday 2009-11-28 10:41 pm UTC (link)
	"...but I'm still not sure you're not just trying to manipulate me." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

pinksunbeam
2009-11-28 10:48 pm UTC (link)

Misaki closed her eyes holding in tears and nodded, "It's understandable. I can see why you would think I would have been. But...I never once manipulated you Maeko chan. Not once. I had a lot of oppertunities but...to be honest, I never really wanted to."

She sighed resting her head on Maeko's hands, "Even when things weren't well between us, and I know that I royally screwed up at the festival. And I'm sorry for that, I was so hurt at the time. I thought the world was caving in, like everything I believed in was falling apart." She felt tears slip down her cheeks, "But, even then, even after I screwed up so badly, even if you hated me for the rest of my life, I just wanted to be by your side in one way or another. Heck I would be happy just being your pet if I could."

"How can I ever make it up to you? How can I show you that I'm not out to manipulate you. That I never would..." she said softly.

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-28 11:03 pm UTC (link)

"If you wanted me to believe you're not manipulative you could try not being manipulative." Maeko suggested unhelpfully, now annoyed at herself. This was what happenned when you told the truth after all. And she'd known and she'd done it anyway and now Misaki was crying even though the one thing she swore never to do was make Misaki cry.

"It doesn't matter much to me either way. I'm happy to take the risk and stay with you whether I believe you or not."

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-29 12:22 am UTC (link)

Misaki wiped her tears willing herself not to cry. "You mean the whole Kozue incident. I know I pulled something horrible there. I shouldn't have done it. It was impulssive and rash, and I'm making it up to her by doing her homework, so we're even I guess."

"Don't say that! That's the same thing you told Satou-sempai! You're willing to take the risk. Does that mean you don't care if you get hurt or not? That's just...it's cruel Maeko chan. You don't take risks for that reason. You take a risk because you believe in something or some one. You can't and shouldn't take a risk when you can't really trust the person that you're with. It...it's a cruel horrid thing to do to someone." Misaki told her honestly. "Especially considering the fact that Satou sempai genuinely is scared that in the end you're going to just leave him like the other people did. Maeko-chan, you can't just throw around that you care about someone and not believe or trust in them."

She looked at her friends hands, "When was the last time you actually believed in something Maeko-chan?"

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-29 12:32 am UTC (link)

"That's not what I meant. Fighting with Satou-senpai in front of me. Following me just to have an audience for you fighting with him more. Demanding I and others forgive people just because they were nice to you once. Even what you've just said now. 'Oh, I know Keiichi would care if I vanished and never came back but I don't think you would'. All of it, manipulative."

"It doesn't matter. I'm not going to leave him anyway, it's the same result."

Maeko pulled her hands away, hiding them in the opposite sleeves. "Before I could talk. Does it really matter?"

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-29 04:30 am UTC (link)

"I didn't follow you to argue with him. I followed you because I was worried about you! Satou-sempai has a very very bad habit of drinking to the point where he's...well beyond being an idiot at times! I'm worried he's going to do something that's going to hurt you!" Misaki said and looked up at her. "I was fighting with him because you looked uncomfortable, that's why I was doing that. I didn't want people to see and get the wrong idea. That's all you need is for someone to start talking about how Akuba-san just let Satou-san go all over her."

Misaki was fuming now, "And so what if I ask you or the others to give people a second chance. It's selfish to assume that if someone does one wrong thing that means that they're a terrible person! Yes I know that Gendou-sempai isn't the nicest of people, and I know Arai-sempai can be mean, and I know Reizo-kun's a jerk at times. But there are other sides to people! It's like me saying that Toshi-chan is a jerk because she smiles all the time. Is that right of me to just assume that because I didn't like the fact that she couldn't do much but smile when we were trying to save you?"

Misaki looked at her directly, "Because I believed that you wouldn't really miss me. Because, I didn't believe that you really would miss me if I left. Because right now it seems that Satou-sempai gets the real Maeko Akuba and I don't get to see her! That's why I feel that way! Because I can't tell if you WOULD miss me or not! And it's not fair."

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giantfruitbyday
2009-11-29 04:50 am UTC (link)

"I don't need you to do anything like that. Even if he would do anything to hurt me I'm more than capable of taking care of myself."

"It's far more selfish to demand that everybody feel the same way you do about something. Or justify thier behaviour by saying that that their victims are somehow the ones at fault. And comparing smiling a lot to attacking others or sprreading rumours that could destroy people's lives?"

Maeko didn't look annoyed at all anymore but her tone carried it better than her face ever could.

"And if one fuck is more proof to you of devotion than five years of friendship then I might have made a mistake with this after all."

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pinksunbeam
2009-11-29 07:21 am UTC (link)

"I know you are, but at times...it just seems like you...you let him get a way with things that you never used to let me get away with at all. I'm just worried that he's going to wind up doing something or saying something that's going to hurt you." Misaki tried to explain.

She crossed her arms, "I'm not DEMANDING anything. I'm just defending the fact that I don't think that you can assume that everything has to be black and white. One thing or the other. And I'm not justifying the behavior at all. I didn't say it was okay for Ginjiro to do that to the dorms. I don't think it's okay for Retsu-sempai to spread rumors, and I don't think that anyone has a right to call Kozue-chan names either!"

Misaki paused, "You don't get it do you. You said yourself to me that you forced yourself to like me. Then you come back after my dungeon and I said okay to being friends again. You said you worry that I'm manpulativie, well I worry that you're still forcing yourself to like people, and not just me in this case." She bit her lip. "I'm not saying he's devoted to me, I never said that at all. All I said was that I know he would miss me, but you...I want to believe you would miss me. I want to believe you would care that I was gone, but I'm terrified of the fact that you might be forcing yourslf to like me again."

Misaki stared at her and said softly, "I'd just like it if I could actually feel something off you Maeko. I know you care about me, you show me that all the time. But showing you care by looking up facts on a computer and showing you care physically are...they're different. I'm not looking for you to do something that you can't do. Just...I don't know, Touch my arm, flip my hair, do something that shows that phyisically you care about me. Toy with me, tease me. That's what best friends do. They walk around and hang out linking arms, hold hands a times, play around with one another. "

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giantfruitbyday, 2009-11-29 04:58 pm UTC

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