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Tweak says, "THIS. IS. TARTA!!"

Sonozaki Renju [園崎蓮珠] (lotus_beyond) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2010-04-27 23:39:00

Entry tags:

kozue, renju

WHO: Renju and Kozue.
WHAT: The express train to awkwardtown.
WHEN: A couple of days after Kozuedungeon.
WHERE: Local pastry shop where Renju met Kozue's Shadow.
WHY: Because certain things need to be clarified.

It seemed like things usually got a little easier for Renju a few days after the team rescued people from Paradise. Before she could just repress the memories, bury herself in work to let the significance pass her by; now she needed more time to let the stress and strain work its way out of her system, and to let the still-fresh memories fade a bit from her mind.

And now she had the extra issue of trying to cope with being there and unable to do anything. She'd made a few small contributions there, but nothing that the others wouldn't have been able to manage... but then again, part of the point of her giving up Prometheus had been to force herself to pin her self-worth on something besides her usefulness in Paradise, right? She hadn't exactly been doing a great job of that so far, had she? She'd almost gone and gotten herself killed. She still had no idea what had come over her--it was far too easy to get caught up in the moment, to not think about what she was doing.

She sighed, standing in line at the bakery with her usual curry-pan in hand, drawing a couple of puzzled glances but not much else. It was so much easier to backslide than to push forward. But she'd at least understood her own issues well enough to try to help Kozue with them, right?

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lotus_beyond
2010-06-04 12:10 am UTC (link)

"We learn new things about the way Paradise works every time we enter it. It's not too surprising, I think." Renju had learned to accept whatever happened there, by and large.

Out here, on the other hand. Out here was a different story altogether. Renju stiffened when Kozue touched her leg, flushed, cleared her throat, and tried to look natural, failing at it completely and utterly and embarrassingly. "I, ah. I'm fine. Of course. It didn't hurt, but it felt strange at first, not having him there, and I suppose I let it get to me more than I should have in there and I... um." She trailed off pathetically, looking about as embarrassed as she felt, which was quite a feat, really.

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anthesphoria
2010-06-04 12:16 am UTC (link)

Kozue blinked. It was impossible to miss the change that came over Renju's features; the other girl could barely talk. She pulled her hand back, no longer a comforting touch, but a hesitant removal. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I just wanted to--I was worried about you."

She retreated to her side of the bench, perplexed. It made sense for Renju to be embarrassed, of course, if her recollection was true, but Kozue's own responses to attraction were so wildly different that this baffled her. "I wasn't thinking. I shouldn't have."

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lotus_beyond
2010-06-04 12:23 am UTC (link)

Renju curled in a bit on herself, a habitual reaction to unpleasant thoughts that was difficult to break and that she was only half-conscious of doing. She knows she knows she knows she saw of course she saw it was her place and...

"N-no, it's all right. I apologize." She tried to force herself to relax, and was more surprised than she probably ought to have been when this tactic failed to work. "It's still... I'm not..." It reminded her of how she'd reacted to Keiichi hugging her after her own place, and Tom's gift... It still wasn't something she dealt well with regardless of any other emotions attached to it, but she couldn't really explain that without sounding... well, even more ridiculous.

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anthesphoria
2010-06-04 12:31 am UTC (link)

Kozue shook her head, possibly with more vehemence than she realized. "You're not the one who has to apologize. I crossed a line. It made you uncomfortable. I'm at fault." She stayed firmly in her territory on the bench, trying to think of how to make this Not A Disaster. She'd made Renju shrink and stammer, and it turned an awful feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach.

After a pause, she forged onwards. This required a bracing sort of breath: Probably, I'm going to regret this...

"Is this just going to be awkward forever? I want you to know, I'm—I'm not angry or weird about it and neither should you be."

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lotus_beyond
2010-06-04 01:17 am UTC (link)

That sounded familiar. Whether Renju was comforted or not by this fact she wasn't entirely certain, given that she'd said something similar to Tom once after everything that had happened between them. Another moment's thought and she decided that it probably wasn't a good thing.

"It... no. It shouldn't be." She sat up straighter and brushed her bangs out of her face; they fell right back down again, but that hadn't really been the point of the gesture. It bought her a moment to think of what to say to all this--she didn't want a repeat of what had happened with Tom, after all... "I'm not... really accustomed to this, is all. I'll be fine."

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anthesphoria
2010-06-04 01:35 am UTC (link)

Kozue mirrored Renju's gesture, brushing a little bit of her hair back over her shoulder; "It's understandable. I mean, I am pretty darn cute." The gesture read quite differently, of course, paired with that. After a moment, she laughed, although quietly. It felt good to feel confident about herself, even confident about such a pedestrian thing.

Should this unnerve her more? Maybe. But at the same time, it was flattering and Kozue decided that a bit of flattering was really quite what the doctor ordered. Not... seriously or anything, she told herself. Just a little.

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lotus_beyond
2010-06-04 02:16 am UTC (link)

Renju was not the type to call things "cute", but she had to admit despite herself that something about the gesture sort of was. She turned faintly pink again, but didn't take what may or may not have actually been bait.

Still, this was the topic they were on, and dancing around words and implying things and generally beating around the bush seemed to cause a lot of issues, which was something they of all people could really ill afford, so... well, she still couldn't quite bring herself to come right out and say it, but she could get a bit closer to it, anyway. "So, you... saw what happened in that place, I assume. Yours, I mean." It helped that she was of the school of thought that talking about these things, however little, was an important step to recovery.

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anthesphoria
2010-06-04 02:37 am UTC (link)

After a moment of hesitation, Kozue nodded; "I saw. You know, kind of, how it is." She pondered saying something more. More it's okay, more seriously this isn't awkward. More this happens to me all the time, which was not precisely true or really true at all. But chorusing all of these things over and over again would just make them sound less than true.

To seem, instead, sincere in her assertion that it wasn't weird or awkward, and that she didn't mind, she stayed quiet and tried to smile reassuringly. It mostly succeeded.

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lotus_beyond
2010-06-04 02:43 am UTC (link)

"It was... slightly different for me. For obvious reasons. But yes, generally speaking."

Renju hadn't really met Kozue's eyes at any point in all this, nor even really lifted her gaze from the poor bread for more than brief glimpses here and there. But she saw the reassuring smile, and the corners of her own lips lifted, just slightly and just for a moment. It... helped, more than she'd expected. Then again, maybe she should've expected it--Kozue seemed to have a talent for dealing with people, after all.

"Thank you for understanding." Another fleeting not-quite-smile. "We should both forget about it as best we can, I suppose. It's all a moot point anyway."

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anthesphoria
2010-06-04 03:00 am UTC (link)

Seeing Renju almost-smile was encouraging; now, if the other girl would only make eye contact, Kozue would feel like the whole thing was on its way to being resolved.

"Moot po--what's--I guess, yeah," Kozue said, words fumbling as she talked with more speed than she thought. She didn't sound entirely convinced. It was a moot point, though, wasn't it? Knowing what she knew about herself? Through the vague, bizarre moment, she just kept talking. She had gotten a handle on her voice again and did not want to let it slip out of control: "I just don't want to see things that happened in Paradise hurting our friendship, okay, senpai?"

Which was usually what she called people she was flirting with.

That detail, for the moment, escaped Kondo Kozue.

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lotus_beyond
2010-06-04 03:04 am UTC (link)

"I'll try." The smile lasted a little longer this time. Even setting aside the jumble of feelings this whole situation invoked, it was nice to think of Kozue as a friend. There weren't a whole lot of people she could think that way about, and most of them she'd just met in the past several months.

"I learned that the hard way, with Sagaki-senpai." With whom she'd managed to screw it up. She really ought to see about trying to fix that again soon, come to think of it... "Thank you again, Kondo-san."

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