InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Let there be FOOD!"

Oubai, Kouchisei (daioujou) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2010-02-26 20:54:00

Entry tags:

beachthread, kou, kouzue, kozue

Who: Kozue and Kou.
What: Talking.
Where: His dorm room.
When: On the trip.
Why: Kozue is dissatisfied?

It was strange, being in someone else's home. You were in their personal space. The thought of it made him rub his arms and fold his clothes straight on his bed; except it wasn't his, and the thought of being so close to somebody that you shared their private room was nervewrattling. It was wrong. Intimacy was wrong. People being close to him at all? All of it was all wrong.

Especially relationships. Those were worse.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-26 11:22 pm UTC (link)

After a day on the beach, Kozue was tired—despite the fact that she'd spent most of the day tanning and lying out and hadn't done much at all. She'd taken a moment to pull Kou aside, the person who she hadn't seen for most of the day despite the fact that were he anyone else he'd have been a good fifty, seventy-five percent of who and what she was seeing; now they were here. What she'd said then was nowhere near as ominous as we have to talk or promising as I'd like to be alone; it was innocuous as far as she could recall, but the exact words were escaping her.

She was sitting on the corner of the bed, one leg dangling, the other tucked up underneath her, watching Kou.

This was, like so many things in Kozue's mind, a test: what would he do now that they were alone in a bedroom of all places? She cleared her throat quietly, and broke the silence: "What did you do with yourself all day?"

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daioujou
2010-02-27 12:32 am UTC (link)

For once, Kouchisei was used to having a person in his room. What he wasn't familiar with was having a girl there. He'd never allowed anybody inside his bedroom that hadn't been a parent. It was a place where he could be who and what he was, and what he wanted.

He had made other plans. So, naturally, he'd been pulled inside by Kozue. Also it was a Kou-shaped characteristic that what she had said flew over his head and out the window.

He shrugged, not knowing quite what to say, "Read some. Fell asleep after - it's just too hot. Why?"

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anthesphoria
2010-02-27 12:44 am UTC (link)

"Did you have fun?"

Did he have a reason to ask why she'd asked after his day? It was what people did! She felt perplexed, off-kilter, but tried to keep it off her face, and merely kicked her free foot a little. "I tanned and then hung out in the air conditioning for a little bit," she pushed on, although she was fully cognizant that he hadn't asked. What was sad was that she was mostly accepting of the fact that he hadn't asked. "I just didn't see you all day." More kicking of her foot. Waiting for affirmation—baiting a response. It was how so many of their conversations went, Kozue found herself dizzied by it.

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daioujou
2010-02-27 01:11 am UTC (link)

"Why not? It seems a waste coming all this way to be miserable. I can do that at home."

He folded his clothes again after a few seconds, hoping that for as long as he did it he would get rid of the need to respond to a conversation that was getting more intimate, so much that he wanted to flee. It amazed him how much attention people wanted. Were all girls like this? He picked up his shirt and held it before his face, keeping his expression hidden.

"I just thought you'd want some time alone, that's all. So I kept to myself. Was I wrong?"

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anthesphoria
2010-02-27 01:23 am UTC (link)

"You've been miserable?" Kozue furrowed her brow, for a moment apologetic, until she told herself that she wasn't responsible for Kou not having fun, that was his own sullen fault. He could have been spending time with her, after all. She, too, was thankful that he was hidden behind his shirt, then. She twisted her fingers together and looked up, at the back-side of the shirt he was holding up. "No, I don't know, but I... have a question, okay?"

Good lord, the boy was folding laundry while they were alone, together, in his bedroom. In a beach house with no (or next to no) parental supervision. Was he a teenage boy or a robot?

A whole week's worth of resolutions had led Kozue up to this point; more than a week of pondering and worrying, the psuedo-date with Reizo, the conversation with Kiriko, the way any other sane boy had looked at her when she was wearing one of her bikinis. All of it prompted her to say this, made it necessary that she grab hold of this issue and force it forward until it was dealt with, one way or another. She should not have been scared.

"Do you think I'm attractive?"

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daioujou
2010-02-27 02:00 am UTC (link)

Presumerably this was an attempt to feel confident. He held the shirt in place for a moment and then lowered it to the bed, and genuflected his head to look at Kozue though his desire to do so was lacking. It was a good thing, then, that he had always been good at having a warm smile on his face when the occasion called for it. To keep the peace, obviously. It was needed.

"You're beautiful," he said, shifting back to take his shirt; he wanted to sit on his bed. She was, he thought. He did not say things falsely. She was not sexual. She was beautiful. The two were not common. He also looked more uncomfortable. Oh well, it didn't matter.

"Why are you asking, though? Just because I don't say something doesn't mean I don't think or feel it."

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anthesphoria
2010-02-27 02:43 am UTC (link)

She hadn't realized she was holding a breath until she let it out; she looked down at his laundry for a moment, still appalled that he was tidying. "But if you think or feel something, don't you act on it?" She asked back, shifting so that both her feet were touching the floor. She was still watching Kou, trying to read his reactions; his smile, warm, but not in the way that men should smile at her. Different.

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daioujou
2010-02-27 02:58 am UTC (link)

"Nobody ever died from a lack of that," Kou said. His hands were animated, cutting through the air till they slapped his knees. "Nobody loves each other - that's the problem. There is more to me - to us - to you, than sex."

He remembered how his parents had loved each other, and what had happened to ruin that. There was also a problem - he just wasn't interested.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-27 03:11 am UTC (link)

She blinked, surprised that he'd jumped to the right conclusion so quickly. Some of her had thought, indeed hoped, that he was simply oblivious in that thick-headed virgin kind of way, and that once she pointed it out he'd be happy. Overjoyed was how he should have felt. Instead, she got 'nobody ever died from lack of that'. Her surprised blinking turned into frowning, as she tried to process what he'd said, how to respond to it.

"That's… there's more, maybe, but that doesn't mean it can't be part of it. You really don't want it at all?" She rose from the bed, slowly, watching the boy across the room with careful, very watchful (fake)brown eyes. She'd put on a shirt and a wrap skirt to walk around the house, but neither of these things were exceedingly covering; she looked good right now, and she knew it. She took a step forward, but just one, not wanting to fill up Kou's space all so immediately.

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daioujou
2010-02-27 03:29 am UTC (link)

Kouchisei rose from the bed with an expression on his face that he couldn't hide, nor care for how awkward it made things or how bad they could become. He'd welcomed Kozue leaving his personal space as something that gave him room to breathe. Though, it left him not knowing where to look. Kozue was walking around in front of him, naked and all. She wanted sex, obviously, and he knew this because he wasn't as stupid as others thought he was. Although now his attention was focused more on her face than her butt.

That leant no credence to the fact people often did things they disliked to get something out of it. There had to be a reason people slept with each other. He believed it was children. He had not expected, either, to be in this predicament.

"If it makes you happy, I guess," he said, shrugging. "As long as you've got protection."

There was no desire to discuss it. He shuddered at the thought of being that remarkably close to someone. It didn't matter how someone described it; at the end of today all he would say was that it was to shut her up and get her off his back. Because he did feel guilty he couldn't make someone happy.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-27 03:43 am UTC (link)

That's it? That was all it took?

And here she had what she'd been under the impression she wanted, and Kozue felt nothing even remotely approaching victorious, or satisfied. She felt, perhaps, a bit worse than before she'd tried. If it makes you happy—would it? I guess—as though he wasn't sure and couldn't be made to actually care. Part of her wanted to complain, to back out, to say that she wanted it only if he wanted it and clearly, he didn't, or he didn't care enough in either direction. But she'd already committed, and sex was, at the end of the day, normally Kozue's answer to these sorts of problems. She was completely in the dark as to exactly how much Kou found it uncomfortable, or didn't care; part of her kept insisting that he just didn't know.

So she leaned forward, slowly because she was nervous for no good reason and slowly because she knew it was kind of attractive and slowly because if he wanted, he'd have time to get out of the way. Provided he didn't stop her, or cut and run, or say something else that'd drive another stake into the heart of the mood where there were already five or six embedded deep, she put a hand on his cheek, and kissed him.

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daioujou
2010-02-27 04:14 am UTC (link)

He kissed her back thoughtfully. It was inept, which was wrong because he liked knowing what he was doing. It was supposed to be quick and painless but he was embarrassed and ashamed. He pulled his head away, and quickly turned his face because his appetite for needing physical comfort was lower than most people's. He was unsure how to stop the moment now she had begun it.

He coughed; the air that he had forgotten to breathe was quickly making its way to his lungs now his brain had caught up with his body. He couldn't remember how all over the place he'd been - or if he had been, at that. No tongues, though. That was rude. He wouldn't have liked having one tickling the back of his throat and didn't want to inflict it on other people.

Telling himself it wasn't a problem, because in his opinion the body and mind weren't co-habitable, he said nothing else. It wasn't his place to say what to do at this stage of the relationship. He lacked the experience. He wasn't turned on as much as he thought he should be, either. He just couldn't stop thinking. At the end of the day all he was doing was moving his mouth and his tongue, and it was boring. He was more concerned with the fact someone's saliva was now all over his lips.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-28 04:48 pm UTC (link)

Strands of hair had fallen down into Kozue's face, loosened from where her sunglasses had held them; she pulled back and away from Kou, eyes squinting slightly, dark and perplexed. The rest of her face looked distinctly neutral, almost blank of expression. She was searching Kou's face, though, trying to figure out why that had been so awful. She'd kissed inexperienced boys before—this was very different. Because usually inexperienced boys wanted, and very desperately, to be experienced, and were enthusiastic, all over the place (usually kind of handsy) and at least managed to smile. Kou was just awkward, and didn't seem to care in the slightest.

She had no idea where to go from here. Not a single one.

"I…" she cleared her throat. "You just really, really don't want to, huh?"

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daioujou
2010-02-28 05:12 pm UTC (link)

There were plenty of times when Kouchisei knew what to say, how to behave, or how to escape a situation so he wouldn't have to suffer more than needed. This wasn't one of those. This was a time when he was finding out about how fundamental his differences were to those of other people, and how his beliefs were strong enough to avoid walking a path that, in his opinion, Kozue wanted him to.

"It doesn't matter what I want. I'm being selfish by not thinking about you," Kou replied. He gave her a look, his eyes lingering briefly before returning to the floor. The worst part was he didn't hate the thought of losing her. "I'm not a good liar. I'm really not into this sort of thing. You know that. I just want to do it to make you happy."

He sat on the bed again. The prospect of having his room back to himself was becoming increasingly attractive. But now he'd grown comfortable to having her around and really didn't want to change that. It wasn't because he was attached or that he needed her. He just didn't like change.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-28 08:49 pm UTC (link)

"That's not the…" She stood there, watching him, forced to believe that it was all true—all of it more or less, at least, that he wasn't attracted to her, that the only reason they were even dating was because it looked good to his father and her grandmother. Now that she was here, she wasn't really even sure what she had thought it was, or how thoroughly she had been deceiving herself.

All of this crossed her face, although very quickly, before she stepped back. "I don't know what you think of me, senpai, but I…" Her voice was actually trembling slightly, now, but with insult, not tears. "I'm not the kind of girl you think I am, clearly, if you think I want to screw someone who doesn't want it that much. That's…" Her voice shook again. "I'm not going to do that to you. I'm going back to my room."

She took another step, and turned, hand going for the doorknob, beginning to pull the door open to leave.

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daioujou
2010-02-28 09:07 pm UTC (link)

Kozue was acting strangely, Kouchisei thought. He didn't know her thoughts. Rather, he didn't want to believe that he had done her wrong. Someday she would have to learn people couldn't have everything they wanted. He couldn't tell her this because it was impolite and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. That and he didn't want the upset.

Resignfully, he shrugged and turned back to smarten the bed. Their places where they had sat just bugged him. He pulled off the duvet and threw it over neatly.

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