InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Yes. Yes I will marry you."

Oubai, Kouchisei (daioujou) wrote in disappear_rpg,
@ 2010-02-26 20:54:00

Entry tags:

beachthread, kou, kouzue, kozue

Who: Kozue and Kou.
What: Talking.
Where: His dorm room.
When: On the trip.
Why: Kozue is dissatisfied?

It was strange, being in someone else's home. You were in their personal space. The thought of it made him rub his arms and fold his clothes straight on his bed; except it wasn't his, and the thought of being so close to somebody that you shared their private room was nervewrattling. It was wrong. Intimacy was wrong. People being close to him at all? All of it was all wrong.

Especially relationships. Those were worse.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-27 03:43 am UTC (link)

That's it? That was all it took?

And here she had what she'd been under the impression she wanted, and Kozue felt nothing even remotely approaching victorious, or satisfied. She felt, perhaps, a bit worse than before she'd tried. If it makes you happy—would it? I guess—as though he wasn't sure and couldn't be made to actually care. Part of her wanted to complain, to back out, to say that she wanted it only if he wanted it and clearly, he didn't, or he didn't care enough in either direction. But she'd already committed, and sex was, at the end of the day, normally Kozue's answer to these sorts of problems. She was completely in the dark as to exactly how much Kou found it uncomfortable, or didn't care; part of her kept insisting that he just didn't know.

So she leaned forward, slowly because she was nervous for no good reason and slowly because she knew it was kind of attractive and slowly because if he wanted, he'd have time to get out of the way. Provided he didn't stop her, or cut and run, or say something else that'd drive another stake into the heart of the mood where there were already five or six embedded deep, she put a hand on his cheek, and kissed him.

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daioujou
2010-02-27 04:14 am UTC (link)

He kissed her back thoughtfully. It was inept, which was wrong because he liked knowing what he was doing. It was supposed to be quick and painless but he was embarrassed and ashamed. He pulled his head away, and quickly turned his face because his appetite for needing physical comfort was lower than most people's. He was unsure how to stop the moment now she had begun it.

He coughed; the air that he had forgotten to breathe was quickly making its way to his lungs now his brain had caught up with his body. He couldn't remember how all over the place he'd been - or if he had been, at that. No tongues, though. That was rude. He wouldn't have liked having one tickling the back of his throat and didn't want to inflict it on other people.

Telling himself it wasn't a problem, because in his opinion the body and mind weren't co-habitable, he said nothing else. It wasn't his place to say what to do at this stage of the relationship. He lacked the experience. He wasn't turned on as much as he thought he should be, either. He just couldn't stop thinking. At the end of the day all he was doing was moving his mouth and his tongue, and it was boring. He was more concerned with the fact someone's saliva was now all over his lips.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-28 04:48 pm UTC (link)

Strands of hair had fallen down into Kozue's face, loosened from where her sunglasses had held them; she pulled back and away from Kou, eyes squinting slightly, dark and perplexed. The rest of her face looked distinctly neutral, almost blank of expression. She was searching Kou's face, though, trying to figure out why that had been so awful. She'd kissed inexperienced boys before—this was very different. Because usually inexperienced boys wanted, and very desperately, to be experienced, and were enthusiastic, all over the place (usually kind of handsy) and at least managed to smile. Kou was just awkward, and didn't seem to care in the slightest.

She had no idea where to go from here. Not a single one.

"I…" she cleared her throat. "You just really, really don't want to, huh?"

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daioujou
2010-02-28 05:12 pm UTC (link)

There were plenty of times when Kouchisei knew what to say, how to behave, or how to escape a situation so he wouldn't have to suffer more than needed. This wasn't one of those. This was a time when he was finding out about how fundamental his differences were to those of other people, and how his beliefs were strong enough to avoid walking a path that, in his opinion, Kozue wanted him to.

"It doesn't matter what I want. I'm being selfish by not thinking about you," Kou replied. He gave her a look, his eyes lingering briefly before returning to the floor. The worst part was he didn't hate the thought of losing her. "I'm not a good liar. I'm really not into this sort of thing. You know that. I just want to do it to make you happy."

He sat on the bed again. The prospect of having his room back to himself was becoming increasingly attractive. But now he'd grown comfortable to having her around and really didn't want to change that. It wasn't because he was attached or that he needed her. He just didn't like change.

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anthesphoria
2010-02-28 08:49 pm UTC (link)

"That's not the…" She stood there, watching him, forced to believe that it was all true—all of it more or less, at least, that he wasn't attracted to her, that the only reason they were even dating was because it looked good to his father and her grandmother. Now that she was here, she wasn't really even sure what she had thought it was, or how thoroughly she had been deceiving herself.

All of this crossed her face, although very quickly, before she stepped back. "I don't know what you think of me, senpai, but I…" Her voice was actually trembling slightly, now, but with insult, not tears. "I'm not the kind of girl you think I am, clearly, if you think I want to screw someone who doesn't want it that much. That's…" Her voice shook again. "I'm not going to do that to you. I'm going back to my room."

She took another step, and turned, hand going for the doorknob, beginning to pull the door open to leave.

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daioujou
2010-02-28 09:07 pm UTC (link)

Kozue was acting strangely, Kouchisei thought. He didn't know her thoughts. Rather, he didn't want to believe that he had done her wrong. Someday she would have to learn people couldn't have everything they wanted. He couldn't tell her this because it was impolite and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. That and he didn't want the upset.

Resignfully, he shrugged and turned back to smarten the bed. Their places where they had sat just bugged him. He pulled off the duvet and threw it over neatly.

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