Zeke Jordan (leavethepast) wrote in cotic, @ 2017-06-23 09:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | christian, zeke |
Who: Zeke and Christian
Where: the restaurant camp
Zeke was perturbed at their situation, even if he wasn’t showing it on the outside. He didn’t like being up here and having no way to get back to his house or Chase’s. He needed to send a message to Chase to let him know where he was; so far as he knew, Chase wasn’t up here. At least they had a safe haven in the restaurant near the funhouse. He’d been tucked away here for a while with the others who were also stuck here, and he’d had something to eat and then decided to find someplace to sit for a while.
Wandering through the main room, he happened to see Tris’s boyfriend-- damn, what was his name? Zeke couldn’t quite remember-- and decided to go talk to him. The guy looked like a lost puppy, all big eyes and droopy (metaphorical) tail. “Hey,” he said, smiling when he saw the enormous bear the guy was leaning against. He slid down the wall gracefully, seating himself nearby.
Christian had run out of things to do and now he was starting to think. About not getting back. About wondering if this was his new life, living up here, away from his boyfriend, from the love of his life. What was he supposed to do with that? Something about being stuck ate at him and left him feeling out of place, or maybe just trapped. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he knew it was bad.
When Zeke said hello, he felt his cheeks flush, and he tried to sit up straighter, pushing at his hair. What a mess he had to look like. Tris’ friend was probably far from impressed. “Hey,” he said with a wave, then winced at how dumb that probably looked. “How’re you doing?”
“Hangin’ in there,” Zeke said when Christian asked how he was doing. “Not thrilled about sleeping here instead of my pod.” Might as well be honest. A couple of gift-shop blankets did not a comfortable bed make. “How about you?” The guy definitely didn’t look happy, not that Zeke could blame him.
“Same. Though…” No, that wasn’t worth wondering about. Tris would probably go home to his pod. Actually it might work out. They didn’t have to have a talk about the fact that Tris had all but moved in if he could just go home. “I’m okay.” He chewed at his nails, a nasty habit he’d thought he’d given up, but apparently not so much.
Zeke gave Christian a side-eye, because he didn’t look all that okay. “I guess Tris isn’t up here?” he asked, more to have something to talk about than anything else. He figured if Tris were here, he’d be with Christian right now and the guy wouldn’t look so nervous and woebegone.
Christian shook his head. “No,” he mumbled. “He’s down there. He’s fine though. I checked. It’s fine.” Maybe if he kept saying it he’d believe it. He had no idea why it was freaking him out so much to be so far away from Tris, but for some reason he was having trouble breathing. It felt like everything was inching its way to worse.
“It’ll be fine,” Zeke said, glancing around the darkened restaurant. “This is just a temporary inconvenience.” Then he looked back at Christian and narrowed his eyes. His expression and the way he was breathing looked familiar from instances Zeke had gone through in the past. Panic attack, probably. “Hey,” he said, his tone softer. “Sit up a little, pull your shoulders up. Makes it easier to breathe. You don’t wanna get dizzy or pass out or anything.”
“Maybe.” He looked at his communicator again, not seeing anything new from Tris. Then again, maybe Tris didn’t care. He’d asked about Ethan first, almost right away. At the instruction from Zeke, Christian sat up straighter, tried to take a deeper breath but it came out choked. He closed his eyes, one hand going to fist in his hair, distantly annoyed it was shorter and he couldn’t do that as well. “It’s fine,” he said, but his voice was breathier than he would have liked. It sounded too much like a gasp.
“Don’t talk,” Zeke said, his voice level. “Breathe. Do it slow so you don’t hyperventilate.” Telling someone having a panic attack to calm down did no good, so he didn’t bother trying that. He just continued to sit there, calm himself, watching the other man and remembering what it felt like to have the world peel itself away, seam by seam, outer shell stripped and leaving you hollow. Ninety-eight percent of the time he’d been alone for his panic attacks, feeling like his chest was caving in and nothing would ever be okay again. He understood.
Christian felt tears spring to his eyes as he tried to get a hold of himself, but his breath was puffy, like it wasn't taking anything in. He closed his eyes again, trying to count slowly, breathe with it, but waiting two seconds felt like hours. His fingers had twisted in his jeans, white at the knuckles, but finally one breath came the right way and he felt like he was coming up from drowning. Not better but not dying.
“Good,” Zeke said. “Just take your time.” He figured as long as the guy didn’t collapse from lack of oxygen, they were doing fine.
When Christian could breathe again he hid his face in his knees. “That's embarrassing,” he murmured, just loud enough to be heard. And in front of gorgeous Zeke. Wonderful. How much more of a loser could Christian be. He wiped at his face, annoyed at the tears in his eyes. “Sorry.”
“You’re fine, don’t worry about it,” Zeke said reassuringly. He might have put a hand on Christian’s shoulder or something but he knew that some people didn’t like to be touched when they were panicky. He never had. There was something about this kid that reminded him of Chase a little: a certain vulnerability. Maybe that was why he felt such a need to try to be comforting.
Christian swallowed what little pride he had left and shook his head. “I’m not really fine. But yeah, you didn’t need that. Sorry.” He really hoped Zeke didn’t tell Tris. ‘Hey, you know your boyfriend is a hot mess right?’ That wasn’t going to go over well. “Just being stuck up here. Feels like...actually being stuck.”
“It blows to be stuck anywhere,” Zeke said. “I mean, you might be totally good but then you realize you can’t go anywhere, so that’s all you wanna do.” He honestly wasn’t that worried about coming to harm, and that might have been foolish, but Zeke was accustomed to looking out for himself. It never occurred to him to wonder if he could. “Maybe it won’t last long.”
“Reminds me of rehab,” Christian sighed. He'd been stuck there too. “But yeah. I hope it doesn't. Tris says he's headed up but I don't know why.”
“Rehab?” Zeke said. Christian didn’t strike him as an alkie, but you couldn’t necessarily tell just by looking at people. Maybe it had been for drugs instead. He turned his head to look at Christian when he said Tris was headed up. “How’s he planning to get up here? The monorail thing isn’t running.” Somehow that wasn’t making sense in his head.
Christian laughed to himself, something dark and humorless. “Alcohol. But not really. Just for being gay. My parents locked me up to get away from the scandal. I couldn't come back until I said the booze made me do it.” He picked at his jeans, then dropped his knees, sitting more Indian style. “He's climbing it. I don't think he's doing it for me, but he'd do anything for Ethan. Even something stupid.”
Zeke snorted. “At least they didn’t send you to pray the gay away camp. That might be worse. Having to work outside all day and have religious freaks praying over you.” That wasn’t anything he’d experienced himself, but he’d heard of people who had. None of that shit worked, but the people who ran the rehabs and anti-gay camps didn’t seem to realize that. He looked skeptical at Christian’s next words. “One, that’s crazy, and two, he’s your boyfriend, isn’t he? Why would he be doing it for Ethan and not you?” He might be asking more than he’d end up wanting to know, but this didn’t make sense, and he felt the need to inquire.
Christian shook his head. “Only because I was older when it happened I’m sure.” He bit at his lip, picking at his jeans again. “Ethan’s his best friend. And like, who he asked me to look out for when he found out we were stuck. I’m important, but I don’t think I can compare. He doesn’t quite...well, he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him.”
“It seemed like he was pretty into you when we were at the pool,” Zeke said. “I mean, it’s been years since I’ve seen him and I don’t know you that well, but you two look like a great couple.” Of course, what did he know? Relationships had never been his thing, and he wasn’t the person to give advice. Chase was his first real attempt at anything like that.
Christian’s smile was a little sad when he looked up at Zeke. “I love him,” he said softly. “I’m in love with him. And he...can’t.” He shrugged, hating that it bothered him. Why did it matter? And why was he telling Zeke? Probably just because he needed someone to talk to. Anyone.
Zeke wondered if Christian knew about Tris’s background. He knew there would be reasons why actual love could be hard for someone who’d gone through what Tris probably had and what he had, but it wasn’t his place to ask, just in case Tris hadn’t told Christian much detail. “Maybe he will if he doesn’t already,” he said, his tone gentle. He shifted his weight just enough that his shoulder brushed Christian’s. “Some people just don’t say it.”
Christian tensed a little when Zeke bumped against him, not really used to others in his personal space. He blinked at Zeke then nodded. “I hope he will. I just...I get worried. I don’t want to lose him. I think I’d just give up. Clearly, my attempts to be cool around you failed so flirting with other guys is not going to happen.”
Zeke shifted right back again when he felt Christian’s body stiffen; he’d wanted to be reassuring, not invasive, and he definitely hadn’t been trying to hit on the guy. “The more you worry, the less cool you’re going to be,” he pointed out. “Not that cool’s the most important thing.” He knew it was to some people, and at times, Zeke had been one of those people. It didn’t seem so important here. After a pause, he said, “Why did you think you had to be cool around me? I’m just another dude.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sort of prone to worrying,” Christian said with a sigh. He looked at Zeke, then made a face. “What...have you seen you?” he asked. Then he flushed bright red and his his face in his hands. That was embarrassing as well.
Zeke smiled, but it was more a rueful expression than anything. “It’s all trappings,” he said with a shrug. “It doesn’t mean anything here.” Back in his other life, it had. His looks had been part of a series of defense mechanisms he used to convince himself that he was worth something, that he could take care of himself. It was a shield, a front he could use so nobody would know how fucked up he could be on the inside, where it didn’t show. He laced his fingers together on his lap, staring at them contemplatively before saying again, “I’m just another dude.”
“Which I can tell,” Christian said, peeking out from behind his hands. “Sorta. I mean, you were still this guy of guys chatting up my boyfriend when I first saw you. And guys like you...don’t really notice me.” Or never had before. Maybe now, but Christian doubted he’d changed that much.
Zeke’s head turned so he could look at Christian, catching the guy peeking at him. Okay, he could kinda see what Tris saw in him. He was really fucking cute. “I wasn’t chatting him up,” he corrected Christian. “We knew each other a long time ago. And I have someone, anyway.” Again he realized he should message Chase, just in case he was looking for him. Right after he finished talking to Christian, he would. Would this night never end? he wondered, suddenly wishing to be back home and maybe wishing he and Chase had never even come here.
“I know that now,” Christian said. He frowned, then shook it away. “You do? Are they stuck below?” That was kind of news wasn’t it? Maybe not. It wasn’t like he and Zeke had chatted that much when they were together the first time.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he is,” Zeke said of Chase being below. “I think he’d be here by now if he wasn’t. I’m gonna message him.” He and Chase didn’t spend every second together, and he felt sure Chase probably thought Zeke was just doing something else, might not know about the monorail situation at all.
“I’m sorry,” Christian said, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Hopefully he’s okay.”
“Me too,” Zeke said, nodding. He really couldn’t think of any reason why Chase wouldn’t be okay, but he’d check to see for himself. “I’m gonna go check now. You need anything?” He began pulling himself up from the floor, figuring that the things Christian needed weren’t anything Zeke had to offer, but he’d be nice and ask, anyway.
Christian shook his head, hating that he’d half run Zeke off, but he got it. “I’m alright,” he said softly. He would be. “Thanks for asking. Let me know, if he needs anything or whatever.”
Zeke refrained from asking what Christian could do from up here. That would just be snarky, and he would have felt mean to do that to Christian. “See you later,” he said. Figuring it was time for a little fresh air, he headed outside to use his wrist communicator.