Pix (inspiteofcages) wrote in cotic, @ 2017-06-21 17:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | cillian, ethan |
But What Do You Do?
Who: Cillian and Ethan
Setting: Restaurant camp up top
Cillian had done his best to pull together a bit of a campsite, with food, water, and a place to sleep. They had electricity, so there was no need to build a fire, but finding things that made for bedding in the amusement park had been a bit of a trick. He'd taken what he needed from the shops and the games-- blankets, sweatshirts, and stuffed animals-- and decided they would do. With everyone he knew gathered in one place, he felt a bit better, even if they were stuck. At least they weren't stuck alone.
Cillian sat on one of the tables, watching people settle in for the night. He knew some of them were too wound up to sleep, but at least they could be comfortable until the reached the point of crashing. He kept his eye on Christian in particular, giving him things to do when he seemed to need it, keeping him company when he needed someone to talk to. But at the moment it was quiet. It made him antsy, worried about what might come next.
Cillian had put together a proper camp and Ethan had just raided a beer cart. Who cared if he shouldn't have been drinking something so heavy. He was going to get drunk. He did a check for Christian, relieved to see him slumped against a giant teddy bear, poking at his wrist communicator. He looked like he was about to break. He wondered if that had something to do with Tris not being here. Poor guy.
He held a beer out to Cillian then at with him. "Well, turns out it doesn't just turn back on like magic."
Cillian took the beer with a small smile, taking a sip before answering. He'd been wanting one for a few hours now, but had needed to wait till things settled down. "No, I think someone needs to turn them back on. Problem is I don't know who that would be. I don't know who runs them, if anyone." He took another sip of beer. "Could be worse. Everything could have turned off."
"Beer's still cold," Ethan said, but his eyes were on Christian. He couldn't help himself. He was supposed to be watching Christian and Christian looked lost. He looked back at Cillian. "Could...Mazie? I mean, she knows computers and shit right? Or maybe I dunno...there's a breaker we can flip?"
"Always a plus," Cillian smiled. Ethan wasn't the only one watching Christian. Cillian felt responsible for him, even if no one had asked him to be. There was something about him that made Cillian want to protect him. "If anyone could, she could. But it'd be better if someone other than me asked her." It was pretty much a guarantee that she'd do Cillian no favors, but she might for a friend? Ethan had looked chummy enough with her. "If there's a flip to switch, it'll be down below. I could try looking at the wiring of the train in the morning. I dunno, though."
"It's not like she likes me either. ActuallyI think she hates me, but seems to tolerate me. Though she's pals with my sister now. Which I think has to do with the fact that my sister's boyfriend." Ethan took another sip of his beer. "So, what we, tell Blake to look for a switch?" He tugged at his hair, then looked around. "I hope things don't get worse." They couldn't get worse, could they?
"I'm pretty sure she likes you better than me," Cillian snorted. He would take it personally, but it seemed to be the norm with Mazie. "It's probably not a big red button. This... This feels like a hack job to me. Mazie would be best. Maybe Sion. I think he's better on a computer than I am, but he's not a hacker. But he could probably reboot the system, if he could figure out where to get in." He didn't know where the main system was located, though. "Me too. We're up top, so we're good, but if power went out below..." Cillian took a deep breath, then a long swig of his beer. It wouldn't come to that. It couldn't.
"Yeah, well I don't think she likes anyone really," Ethan said with a sigh. He rubbed at his chin. "Blake could get in. If they knew where to go, he'd get in there. He's a firefighter for god's sake." He tapped his bottle against his lower lip. "If the power goes out, they'll be fine." He hoped. They could do things still, right? They had to be. "I can try reaching out to Mazie. Though we should find out if she's up here. Or if Tad is. Ted? Damnit. I think his name is Tad, but Ted makes more sense."
"While I don't doubt Blake's ability to break in, I'm not talking about a physical location," Cillian said with a little smile. "I mean, someone needs to log into the system and perform a reboot. I just don't know where to perform the login. MABEL has to have a central database somewhere, even if it seems like she's in the cloud." He was quiet for a moment, considering the implications of truly losing power down below. "Depends. Do you want optimism or pessimism?" He always went with optimism with Christian, but he wasn't sure with Ethan. "It's Tad. Her reporter friend. His name is Tad."
"You lost me somewhere in there," Ethan said, shaking his head. "I'm not that great with computers though." Well, beyond the basics. But he wasn't that kind of smart. "Sounds like we need Mazie then. And Tad. God, what kind of name is that? My sister has just weird taste. And she makes fun of me." He rolled his eyes before sitting up straighter. "The truth will do. You don't have to spin it."
"Mazie, definitely. Maybe Tad. I thought he was a reporter, though. Maybe it's short for something? Tad... Taddleton? Tadminson? Taddison? I dunno," Cillian laughed a little, but that died down at the mention of what could happen without power. "Okay, so... they're underground. If they lose power, like completely, everything shuts down. The sky, the light, the air filtration systems. It'd be like being buried alive in an extremely large coffin. Your air supply only lasts so long. If they were in that scenario, I'd tell them to start walking the train tracks or something. Searching for stairs. There has to be a way out." He paused, watching Ethan. "But that's, like, absolute worst case scenario. If you start telling people that, it will cause mass panic. And Christian will probably lost his mind."
"Well, I figure Mazie comes with Tad. And if he's the one person she likes..." Ethan shrugged, then laughed. "Alright yeah, if my name was Taddison I'd go by Tad too." He twisted his hair around his fingers while he listened to Cillian, but shook his head. "We can get to them. Before the suffocate. There's got to be a way to dig a hole or something." That had to be an option. Of the course the lake might prove to be a problem. He looked over at Christian again and ran a hand over his face. "He's going to lose his mind no matter what."
"We'd have plenty of time. That place is huge. And it's not actually a concern right now. Everyone has power. It's just the robots that aren't working," Cillian pointed out. It was an inconvenience, but could be addressed in the morning. "I feel like all we really need is someone to break into the train station and steal a train." It made him smile to say it. He was actually considering stealing a train. "He's okay if you keep him busy. A few days without Tris won't kill him... so long as he knows he'll see him again."
"So it's just one thing. Which both makes it weird and something that's not going to kill anyone." Ethan looked over at Christian and shook his head. "It's not just Tris." He bit his lip and frowned. "He doesn't do well on his own. He does fine, I mean he'll survive, but he's going to be wound tighter than a top when it's done. He was always like that. I think I've seen him smile more in the past few months than I have in the entire time he dated my sister."
"It is weird. One robot's a malfunction. All of them? I think someone hacked the system," Cillian said. He didn't know how anyone would do it, but he was technical enough to know it could be done. "He's not alone. He has you. And me. I wouldn't have let him out of my sight if you weren't here." Cillian looked down, pealing the label from his bottle. "I haven't known him as long as you have, but he's seemed happy lately. Better than a while ago. And today was a good day, up until I told him I was going to jump out of the boat."
"What if...I mean is there anything else that could have happened?" Ethan said, letting out a sigh and looking at Christian. "He's used to being on his own. He's been alone for a while. Even when he was with Olivia. I mean, I never got it before, but I do now. I mean I see it now. It was because he wasn't really with her, not the way he is with Tris."
Cillian bit his lip, working at the beer label. "Adam and Sion would say it could be MABEL. Mazie probably, too. Evil robot overlord." He couldn't actually consider that. It was too scary to think that MABEL was out to get them. "It's hard for me to imagine him like that. It had to suck. I mean... I could kind of get by, but... This place seems like it's good for him. Tris, too."
"You think MABEL would just shut down the robots and the monorails like what, for a test? To test us like the other shit?" Ethan thought that was insane, but...was it? He bit at the side of his thumb and shrugged. "I barely know the guy, but I...I watch people. I see what they do. How they act. He's better here."
"I... I don't want to think that, but it's a possibility. I think she's tested us before. I don't know why though," Cillian said with a little frown. It was unsettling and put him on the path of paranoia, somewhere he didn't want to be. When Ethan said he watched people, he wondered briefly what he saw in him, if anything. It was the kind of thing that made him nervous, people watching him too closely. "You barely know Christian?" he asked, surprised.
"I'm not the biggest fan of bitches testing me," Ethan said with a grunt. He looked up at the question and nodded. "He dated Olivia for what? A year? He was around, but kept to himself, avoided me. Now he's dating my best friend, and Tris doesn't really share a lot. Not...well, not like you'd think. I know the basics. And i know what I've seen, but who knows the guy who keeps everything tucked inside?"
"Neither am I," Cillian said, but he shrugged. He couldn't see a way around it. They were trapped there and no one knew who ran MABEL. "Christian? Or Tris?" he asked, a little confused. That wasn't the Christian he knew, but then if Christian had been avoiding Ethan, then maybe that was why he thought that. "He doesn't seem very closed off. More like he wears his heart on his sleeve. He wants people to like him. Wants Tris to love him. Wants to be himself, but isn't sure who that is. I think."
Ethan thought about that. "Both, but Tris is getting worse at hiding things from me." He frowned at Cillian and shrugged. "Maybe you've talked to him more than I have then. Pretty sure Tris does love him, but Tris can't say it. He had a panic attack when I pointed out that everything he would say equated to love." He rolled his eyes. "He's worse off than I am."
"I hope he figures it out eventually. It would mean a lot to Christian," Cillian said, looking over towards Christian again. He was one of Cillian's closest friends, even if he wasn't sure Christian would say the same about him, and he wanted him to be happy. Tris's feelings for him seemed to be the thing tying him in knots most often. "You figured that out then?" he asked, looking back at Ethan.
"He will. Or he'll figure out something to say that means as much," Ethan said, picking at the label of his own beer. He had that kind of faith in Tris. Tris would sort it out, because he was in love with Christian. He just needed to get there in his own way. "Figured what out?"
Cillian nodded, though he had the feeling that Christian wanted to hear those words specifically. If Tris felt it, it was just a matter of accepting it, then being able to communicate it. It sounded so easy, but Cillian knew it wasn't. "How you feel about Blake," he said, not entirely sure Ethan remembered their conversation the night of the Mardi Gras party. It was kind of a blur to him too, but that part stood out.
Ethan's eyes went a little wide and he blinked, then shook his head. "No idea what you're talking about," he said, but it was a clearly a lie. Shit. Had he said something embarrassing. He tried to remember, but the last time he'd talked to Cillian was at the party and that was kind of hazy in general.
Cillian raised a brow, sitting back a bit as he looked at Ethan. "I wasn't that drunk," he said. He didn't know Ethan well enough to have made up that conversation in his head. And he hadn't thought Ethan was so drunk as to forget it entirely. But maybe it was that he'd said it to Cillian. "I won't say anything. I was just curious."
Ethan bit his lip and rolled the bottle between his hands. "I am...still deciding. I like him. A lot. He moved in, you know? I just..." He sat up straighter. "That's not really a thing. For us. I don't think it could be." Which was where the fear settled in Ethan's stomach. He might could love Blake, who wouldn't, but could Blake love him?
"Why not?" Cillian asked. "Are things not going well?" To say they couldn't get there meant that something wasn't right, but that didn't mean it couldn't be fixed, if both people wanted it. Cillian thought. Maybe. He knew he handled relationships a bit too analytically when they turned out to be anything but. In theory, everything could be fixed, but that wasn't the reality. Feelings were tricky.
"They're fine," Ethan said. "They're great. Just...Well, he sort of lost the boyfriend lottery didn't he?" He laughed when he said it even though it wasn't really a funny thing.
"Why would you say that?" Cillian frowned, not all that sure why that might be funny or even remotely true. "You're hot, you're fun, you have family and friends that love you. Pretty much everyone I know that knows you speaks highly of you. What's not to love?"
Ethan shrugged. "All that doesn't say, add up to boyfriend material." He sighed and thought about Blake. "I wouldn't blame him, if he didn't, couldn't feel that way about me." He tugged at his shirt, wishing itw as looser. "Come on, I'm going to find us another drink."
"You know it doesn't say anything about you if he doesn't, right? Sometimes the feelings aren't there, no matter how much you want them to be," Cillian said, but pushed to his feet, willing to follow Ethan. Christian should be fine for a bit. "Okay. Another beer?"
Ethan bit his lip and tilted the bottle back and forth. "Yeah, but this might be my one shot," he said softly. Stupid wasn't it? He had one person he could fall in love with and the man might not be able to love him back. "Yeah, fuck my waistline."
Cillian watched Ethan, trying to figure out if he really believed that. By the tone of his voice, he probably did. "That's not true," he said gently. "If it doesn't work out, there'll be someone else. Maybe not right away, but if you open yourself up to the possibility, then I'm sure someone will come along. You'll get all those fireworks and butterflies and you'll do it all over again, until it clicks." It was both exciting and terrifying. It made Cillian nauseous to consider. "I'm sure your waistline could take it," he said with a light laugh.
Ethan shook his head. "You will. I won't." He bit at the edge of his thumb and tilted his head back and forth. "Maybe, but man. No. This was hard enough." He was going to give up if it didn't work with Blake. "You have no idea. I've done nothing but get fat here." He poked at his thighs and sighed. It was a shame. No wonder Blake wasn't going to fall for him.
"We're not talking about me," Cillian said, shaking his head. He was a mess and he knew it. Everyone knew it. Friendship was easy, but dating turned him into a basketcase. He was pretty sure he was going to run Adam and Christian off eventually. And definitely Sion, if he didn't get his shit together. "They say nothing worth having comes easy, don't they? You will. If you want it. And you might not for a while. I definitely didn't." Cillian stopped short when Ethan poked at his thighs. "You're joking, right?" he asked, eying Ethan.
"Yeah, but you're you. And I am...something else entirely." Ethan shrugged. He took a few steps past Cillian, but doubled back. "No, I'm completely serious. Why?"
"I'm... more work than I'm worth," Cillian said. He knew it, but he couldn't seem to change it. He had to make things difficult. Cillian pushed it away, focusing instead on the absurdity of Ethan being overweight. "Ethan... There's not an ounce of fat on you. You're tiny. I could probably hold both your wrists with one hand. Why on earth do you think you're fat?"
"I doubt that," Ethan said. "Someone like you? You're worth all the time it takes." He looked down at himself and shook his head. "I used to be. if the papers could see me now, right? They'd have a field day. Perez would be so pleased."
"The only people that say that are the ones that aren't interested," Cillian pointed out. Christian, Adam, now Ethan. Not interested. It was the kind of things friends said to make him feel better. "I don't remember ever seeing a picture of you where you looked anything more than trim," he said, giving away that he did know who Ethan was prior to coming there. "Then the papers are wrong. If anything, you could stand to gain a few pounds."
"Then you wait for the one who does," Ethan said. "I did. Sorta. I mean if he does." He looked over at Cillian and shook his head. "So you did see my photos huh?" he grinned and then shook his head. "I wish that was true, but trust me. I could stand to shed a few, get my stomach back under control."
"You're worth it, Ethan." Cillian didn't know if Blake would fall for him, or if Ethan would fall for Blake, but he knew Ethan was worth it. He just wasn't sure why Ethan doubted it. "You're all over the place. Of course, I did," he said with a little smile, but shook his head. "There's nothing to control. I mean it. You've got skin. If there's anything to pinch, that's it. If they were saying things about you needing to lose weight, it's bullshit. Fabricated fluff because they couldn't make up anything better."
"See? That's nice to hear. That I was around. So many people here claim they had no idea, I was starting to believe I'd dreamed the whole thing." Ethan poked at his own side again then smoothed his stomach. "Then why say it at all? Like, if there wasn't anything to say, why not be nice? No," he shook his head. "At least it wasn't my sisters."
"Do you like it? All that attention?" Cillian asked. "Is it weird being here, not having it?" He wondered what that would be like, having people fawn over him. It might be nice, up till they started getting onto him about things like weight. "Have you ever known the paparazzi to be nice to anyone? They say women are pregnant all the time, just so they have to defend having an actual meal. They focus on things that people are insecure about. Weight's an easy one with pretty much everyone."
"It is an it isn't. It's nice to breathe easier. But...well, I got a little spoiled by it." Ethan shrugged. "Sort of nice having everyone want to be around me rather than you know having to get to know me." He bit his lip and shook his head. "Yeah, but let's be real, they're right."
"Why wouldn't you want them to get to know you?" Cillian knew he was asking a lot of questions, but how else was he supposed to get to know Ethan? He wasn't the sort to rely on what other people said, especially someone who's job was to gossip. "Except they're not," he said, frowning again. "You're not even a little bit pudgy. You're all angles and sharp cheekbones. What do you think you should look like? How much more do you need to lose to be happy with yourself?"
"Not much to see," Ethan said with a wink. "Or know. Plus everyone makes assumptions and it's easier to just be what they want me to be than to tell them the truth." Like how he'd had to tell Blake that he did read, quite a bit actually. And Blake probably thought that was weird. "Stomach could be flatter. Fitter. My ass is huge. And my thighs are too thick. Just to start."
"Do you really believe that?" Cillian asked. "It's easier for a while. I fall into that trap, where you just want to make everybody happy. But then you start to realize that you're not. Does it really mean anything if people like you when you're being fake?" What was the point? It just meant they didn't like the real you, whatever that was. "You're ass is not huge," Cillian laughed, but stopped to look at Ethan, hoping he'd take him seriously. "I'm pretty sure if your stomach was any flatter, it'd be sunken in. Is this all because of the press? Please tell me you're not getting this from Blake."
"Well, when you get tired of those people you drop them for a new set. It's easy when everyone wants to be your friend." Ethan shrugged. "Thankfully they all want me to be the same. The party guy with the best hook ups. I can do that." That was like breathing. It was being himself, letting others in, that was the hard part. "It's not from Blake," Ethan said with a roll of his eyes. "But my muscle-bound boyfriend is used to skinny girls, I'm sure. So you know, I don't want him to get bored."
"They don't really sound like friends, if that's all they want. But, I guess... I'm not good at dropping people," Cillian said. "Isn't that hard?" His closest friends he'd known his whole life and the ones that fell away dropped due to distance or just growing apart. He'd almost never broken up a friendship on purpose and wasn't sure how well he'd handle friends constantly leaving him. "You don't get bored with someone because they gain a few pounds. Does Blake strike you as the type that's only with you for your looks?"
"That's just it. They aren't friends. They're easy to drop because they never mattered in the first place." Ethan shrugged. "So no, not really." He scuffed his feet a little and shook his head. "No, but I'm still not sure why he is with me. So that's got to be part of it right?"
"That doesn't make sense. You're putting on a facade for people you don't even care about. If they don't matter to you, and you don't matter to them, why bother? Wouldn't you rather have people that like you for you, even if it's only a handful?" Cillian asked. It sounded like way too much work. Depressing, lonely work. And for what? Cillian couldn't see the point. "Maybe because he likes your company? Likes hanging out with you? You have fun together? You want to be physically attracted to your partner, sure, but that can't be all of it. Why're you with him? I'm sure it's something similar."
"That's the life of being famous," Ethan said with a shrug. "It's not as hard as it sounds. It's just all surface." He didn't like that question though, the one about Blake. He wrapped his arms around himself and looked away, tilting his head back and forth. "I'm sure he does. Or something. I dunno. I mean, it's not the only reason I'm with him." But the real reasons were hard to explain and Ethan wasn't sure he could, let alone tell Cillian.
"I don't think I could do it," Cillian said. He worried enough about those that he did care about that taking on everyone else would likely drive him mad. Cillian watched Ethan, the way he closed himself off from the conversation. "You might feel better if you knew. Why don't you ask him?" he suggested.
"Not everyone can," Ethan promised. "It's why some people go crazy." And why people like him and his family went crazy in situations where they had to be themselves. He shook his head. "I'm not asking him that. That's silly."
"Why's it silly?" Cillian asked, circling around behind the counter to grab a beer for himself and Ethan. "You're sleeping together. You're living together. You might or might not love each other. And you can't ask him what he likes about you?"
"He doesn't..." Ethan trailed off and shrugs. "I know what he likes. He likes me, the sex, the...something." Okay, maybe Ethan didn't know. He knew why he liked Blake, but those things wouldn't apply the other way. Ethan doubted he made Blake feel safe like Blake made him feel. That he felt like a sense of normalcy in a sea of chaos. Odds were Ethan was the chaos in Blake's life.
"Ask him, Ethan," Cillian said gently as he offered the beer to Ethan. "You can't have an intimate relationship if you're not willing to talk. It'll make you feel better." Probably. So long as Blake named something other than just the sex. But Cillian was willing to bet it was more than that, otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it.
Ethan took the beer with a shrug. "What if it doesn't? Isn't it just easier to avoid it?" He let out a sigh. "For all I know, we won't get down there again. I could never see him again."
"If it doesn't, then maybe you rethink things. Then you find out now instead of months from now. But if you're willing to love someone, don't you think you should be able to talk to them about anything? Like... I don't really believe in soul mates, but they should be like a best friend. A best friend who's also your lover." Cillian suspected he was romanticizing it a bit, but that was what he wanted. It was what he strived for, even if it seemed like it was forever out of reach. "You know that's not going to happen. I'm going to make sure Christian gets back to Tris and you get back to Blake. I can't hack a robot, but so long as there's power, I can hack a train."
Ethan popped the top on his bottle by smacking it on the counter with ease. "You keep talking like that it sounds like I should be dating Tris," he said with a laugh before taking a drink. "We talk. We do. It's just, I dunno. This place a bubble and we exist in it. All the real life bullshit doesn't matter here." He laughed and shook his head. "Gonna turn the train back on for us, huh? Best of luck with that."
Cillian was still looking for a bottle opener when Ethan popped his open, a nice little trick that earned him a smile. "You're closer to Tris than to Blake?" he asked, since that was probably better than pointing out that, sure, he could be dating Tris. Maybe. There were feelings in there and that mattered. Some people were just better as friends. "I'm not saying you should date your best friend. I just mean, good relationships are like that, where your lover kind of is your best friend. Doesn't mean they replace the other though." The last thing he needed was Christian thinking he'd told Ethan to go after Tris. What a nightmare. Cillian was pretty sure that was how to ruin a friendship. "It's just a machine. I can work with machines. They're predictable. Way easier than people."
Ethan held out his hand for Cillian's beer to open it as well. He shrugged. "I mean, Tris is my best friend. And I wanted to hit it, but he was against it and now we're just friends. I suppose it works better. It's different with Blake. Doesn't feel the same way. I mean, I get that, you're supposed to be friends, but nah, not the same." He shook his head. "I'd be impressed if you could. Because things aren't supposed to randomly turn off."
"Probably worked out for the best then. Thanks, cool trick," Cillian said, when Ethan opened his beer for him. "If you were with Tris, then Christian would be lonely, and we really can't have that." He hated the idea of Christian without Tris. He would be so sad, and probably still in the closet. It was a path he didn't want to imagine. "Well, now I have to get it working. I can add that to my resume-- impressed Ethan Sinclair," he teased. "But no, they're not. The robots are different from the rest of the power, though. We still have power."
"He'd probably still be straight," Ethan said with a wink at the compliment. "Party boys learn plenty of fun tricks. Just wait until I show you how to take the perfect line of coke." Not that he did that much because it fucked him up, but he was still good at setting it up for those that wanted it. He thought about what Cillian was saying, tilting his beer back. "So, what you're saying is that sure, the robot drives it, but someone else could. If we could figure out hot to what, hotwire it?"
"Probably. Maybe," Cillian said, idly wondering if he'd have hit on Christian if he'd been single. Maybe. But not if he'd thought he was straight. "That's a little harder than I like to party, but I appreciate the offer," he said with a little laugh. Surely Ethan was joking... right? He had the feeling he wasn't. "But if you're looking for some weed, I have the hookup." And then some. Clementine was good like that. "People drove trains long before robots did. I figure it shouldn't be too hard. It stays on the tracks, right? I can hotwire a car, so why not a train?"
"Might have been dumped by my sister through. Or maybe he'd have slept with her. Who knows?" Ethan shrugged before laughing. "Little hard for me, but I know all the tricks. Whatever you want to get out of your head, you know?" He laughed then pushed his hair out of his eyes. "By hook up you mean Clementine? She keeps me set too. Been there done that." He paused, tilting his head back and forth. "Hit that."
"Didn't he date Sion?" Cillian asked. Christian didn't talk a lot about it, but Sion had early on. "Usually liquor's good enough for me. And dancing. Really loud music. I can make working out work if it's too early to drink." He knew about getting out of his head. He spent way too much time there. But it was easier to focus on someone else. Ethan made it easy for him. "Yeah," he said, eying Ethan when he said he'd hooked up with her. It didn't surprise him, not really, but... something about that bothered him. "I didn't realize you two were friends."
Ethan thought about that then nodded. "He did, didn't he? Well, fuck, I hooked up with Sion so...Not saying anything about him. I'm just saying that sometimes you wade through things on your way to finding yourself." He smirked. "Minus the working out, I feel you. I mean, I'm down to get out of my head in a controlled situation, but I learned fast you don't do it when you've got people you don't trust or don't have dirt on watching." He shrugged when Cillian eyed him. "Friendly is probably a better way of putting it. It's not like a regular thing."
Cillian leaned back against the counter and took a sip of his beer. There was so much there he could say something on, but not without poking or prodding or causing discomfort. It made him quiet, one of Ethan's admissions coming back to him-- He dropped people when he got bored of them. He only let himself go around those he trusted or had dirt on. "You have dirt on them?" he asked, watching Ethan. Cillian knew he wasn't a good liar, but he could be quiet. He could watch and listen.
"On who?" Ethan asked, sipping at his drink. He wasn't sure where Cillian was going with that, but he would answer the questions asked, at least when they weren't directly about him.
"Sion and Clementine?" Cillian wasn't sure if he wanted to hear them if he did, but the desire to protect them required that he at least know. Nothing about Ethan seemed like a threat, but the idea that he might be holding onto secrets for later use made him uncomfortable. It also made him think back on what he'd said about himself that Ethan could use against him, if anything.
Ethan laughed and shook his head. "Hardly, I mean beyond the who slept with who and I think only Sion would care about anyone knowing that." He just didn't fully trust them. "You can have sex with someone without them really knowing who you are you know."
"I know. It's just not something I usually throw around," Cillian said with a little shrug. He doubted most of the girls he'd hooked up with in college knew him at all, but they could usually count on him not to go bragging to all his friends. It made it easy to remain friends afterwards, when the only people who knew what went on between them were them, though people could usually guess. He knew how he was around people he'd slept with. He thought about it for a minute, then nodded. "Clementine wouldn't care. Sion might."
Ethan laughed and shook his head. "See why it's easier when everyone knows what to expect? I've never hooked up with anyone and not been upfront about how not involved I am." Which was why the Blake thing was like getting smashed with a ton of bricks. "Which is why I haven't really told anyone. It was just for fun anyway. A chance for him to get something out of his system, feel wanted and all that." And Ethan was happy to oblige. Plus it had gotten him out of his head when it came to Blake.
"So why did you tell me?" Cillian asked. Sion had never come right out and said it, but Cillian hadn't asked. He hadn't seen a reason and figured Sion might have volunteered it if it was someone he was still close to. That was the only reason Cillian had said anything about Clementine. "I think it's important to be honest, but not... I've never wanted someone to think I was using them either."
Ethan shrugged. "Seemed to be what were were talking about wasn't it?" He made a face, leaning on the counter as well, but so he was still facing Cillian. "That a problem?" He took a swig of his beer. "Honesty's always the best policy. They weren't joking about that, but you know sometimes you have people that don't want to believe it. I tend to avoid those types."
Was it? Cillian wondered how they'd gotten on who they'd slept with, though it wasn't like he had a big list himself. Just the two people Ethan had named. "No. It's just... interesting." It was something, but he wasn't sure what. Or how he felt about it. "Avoid which types? The ones that aren't honest?" he asked, not sure he was following.
"Interesting. That means it is bugging you," Ethan said with a smirk. "It's fine. I'm not anymore. He's all yours." He laughed and took another sip of his drink as his wrist communicator went off. "The ones that want to fix me."
"It shouldn't." Cillian returned Ethan's smirk with a closed mouth smile and a shrug. "You can't fix another person. It's pointless. The only person that can fix them is them and they have to want it. Who thinks they can fix you? And why do you need fixing?"
"Doesn't meant it doesn't." Ethan sighed and tapped his beer against his lower lip, flipping the communicator to look at the message from Blake. "Well, anyone who thinks they can make me want to stay with them, that they can be the one. The one who fixes poor broken, unable to fall in love Ethan." He frowned, then typed out a response. "They're headed up here. They're...climbing the monorail track?"
"They're both adults. They can sleep with whomever they want," Cillian said. He believed it, and yet it still bothered him. Ethan was right on that point. "Do you really believe that about yourself? That that's the problem?" he asked, then frowned. "Well... then let's pray the robots stay powered off." Otherwise they were going to get mowed down by a moving train. Not the smartest thing he'd ever heard of, but maybe they'd taken precautions before starting the climb. "Who's they? Blake and Tris?" he guessed.
Ethan snorted a tiny bit. "You're upset about both of them?" he asked. "Did we really overlap that much? Funny. I wouldn't have thought that we would attract the same type." He winked at Cillian then nodded. "Blake says they have harnesses. Blake, Tris and some...Adam? He knows Tris and Kyle. He's got a kid too." He shrugged.
"I wouldn't have thought so either," Cillian admitted. "And I'm not upset. I guess I just... I handle things differently than you do. And I'm close with both of them." He knew it wasn't right, but Cillian considered them his. His... family? That wasn't quite right, but that was how he felt, even if Sion was technically his boyfriend. He'd felt that way before they'd hooked up. "Adam?" he sighed. "Shit. Yes. You know Adam. He grew up with Tris? He's dating Kyle?" Who was close with Riven, Cillian had noted. They were all crowded in the little camp Cillian had setup, with plenty of space between them and Ethan.
"I don't dislike either one, but we had our fun and we probably won't again. Unless Blake changes his mind about exclusivity but I doubt he will." Ethan made a face then nodded. "I do know Adam. Shit. Yes. That one. I don't know why I didn't really put that together." The one that Kyle had mentioned. "He came before me, when I was seeing Kyle. Do we tell him?"
"Well, I might have a little issue with you sleeping with Sion at this point," Cillian said with a little snort. "He came before you? You... You're not..." He stared at Ethan for a moment, mind ticking over little bits here and there. Adam had mentioned Ethan was Kyle's ex, then later about the abuse, but he hadn't said who it was. He had a hard time imagining that might be Ethan, but... Cillian shook his head. "Nevermind. No. I mean, Adam's likely already told him, but no, we don't tell him something that will make him worry more than he already is, especially with Riley here."
"Yeah well, like I said, it won't be happening." No, Ethan was pretty sure Blake wouldn't be okay with it and moreso, Ethan didn't want Blake to be okay with it. He liked where they were. "Not what? The one that broke his heart? The one he couldn't tie down? I am." He shrugged, like it was nothing, but having Kyle tell him all that had hurt. A lot. He nodded though, agreeing on not telling Kyle, because he knew Kyle tended to worry. That was just how Kyle operated.
"Neither of those, but good to know," Cillian said. If Ethan had been the one to truly hurt Kyle, Adam would have said so. Or more. Cillian wouldn't have blamed him. "I don't get you," he said, speaking before really thinking it through. "Do you really not care? Or do you just want me to think you don't?" And why? Why would he do that?
"Not care about what? That I hurt Kyle? I didn't know I hurt him. He didn't really tell me. I thought we were on the same page, since I was pretty clear on that," Ethan explained. "I don't do feelings, Cillian. It's not a thing where I don't care, i just am not wired like everyone else."
"I'm not worried about Kyle. He has Adam," Cillian said with a shrug. "More that... you sometimes say things like you don't care about people in general. Like you don't care if you hurt them. Oh well, too bad, so sad. And then other times, it's clear you do care, that you have feelings, some pretty specific ones about certain people. So I don't understand why you'd want to seem like you don't. Is it me?"
Ethan looked away, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't. I mean, I don't want to hurt anyone i don't have to, but it's not like I'm not upfront with how I feel." He bit as his thumb, not sure what to say. "Maybe I don't want anyone to think I do. I kind of hate that my protected circle of people I care about has gotten so big lately."
"I don't really mean romantically. You're just very flippant about things," Cillian shrugged. "You talk about dropping people when you get bored with them, being what they want to see. It makes me wonder if I'm talking to Ethan or some version of you that you think I'd like. And then I start to wonder why you're even bothering with me. What do you get out of it? I dunno. Maybe I read too much into things, but you seem like a nice guy when you're not pretending to be an asshole." He bit his lip, pretty sure he'd overstepped himself. "Is there really something wrong with having a lot of people that you care about? That probably care about you back? Is it really that big?"
"Because those people didn't matter," Ethan said. "You saw the tabloids. Who gave a shit about some stupid celebutante I was hanging with that week. They were easy to drop because they ddin't matter. And yeah, I am a nice guy posing as an asshole because it's a shit ton easier that way. People don't want me to be nice. It's safer to be a dick. Then everyone just leaves." He bit his lip and went for another beer. "Yeah. It blows. It means you can get hurt."
"I know I'm about as far from your world as it gets, but it would've mattered to me," Cillian said, watching Ethan, the way he looked away, the signs of discomfort. Someone that didn't care wouldn't have been so uncomfortable. At the mention of people leaving, something twisted inside Cillian, a pain so familiar that he sometimes forgot about it, a cancer that constantly polluted his thoughts and decisions. "It hurts either way. It's just a different kind of hurt," he said softly. "I don't think they're going to leave you. Last I heard, Christian and Tris are going wherever you go. And you'll have your sisters. I can't speak for Blake, but I'm pretty sure you'll come out on top." It was better than he could say, that was for sure. "Sometimes people stay, if you let them get to know you and give them a reason to. But you're right, they're more likely to leave if you're a dick."
"And if they leave because I'm a dick, then it's better than them leaving because they found out the real me just isn't what they want. I can control the other way." Ethan shook his head. "My sisters, sure, but things aren't all rainbows there and Tris will come but he might change his mind if Chris wants something else. And Blake...well who knows."
"I know. Trust me, I know," Cillian said, laying his empty beer bottle around to spin it on it's side. "But you know it's not just you, right? Everyone runs the same risk. Hell, I'm closer friends with some of the people here than anyone back home, and I know that as soon as they can get off this island they're gone. Everything I've spent the last few months building, gone in a day." He watched the bottle spin until it stopped, the looked up at Ethan. "I guess it depends on which you can stand better, being lonely because you push everyone away or the constant worry that they'll leave you and the pain if they do."
Ethan shrugged. "First one sounds better to me," he said, tapping at Cillian's bottle when it stopped spinning. "I'm not one for getting hurt, so maybe lonely just looks good on me." Not that he was that lonely. He might be now though, missing Blake, missing Tris. Missing his sisters who had never really been that far, but they were growing away from him. He finished his beer then went for another. Fuck being sober. Getting drunk seemed like an awfully good idea.
"You always look good," Cillian said, rolling his eyes. "But you look better like this, though, whatever this is. It's not lonely. You said it yourself. You let people in, let that little circle get a tiny bit bigger. You've got Tris and Blake, right?" No one was climbing the train tracks for him, that was certain. He wasn't even sure why he wanted someone to. It was stupidly dangerous. "And me another, too?" he asked, hoping that would cheer him up. People always liked him better after a few beers.
Ethan handed Cillian a beer and grabbed his own. "I do. I mean, sorta. I have Blake until he gets bored or whatever and Tris until he realizes how much he loves Christian." He shook his head. "I don't look that good as a sap."
"I don't think you're going to lose Tris to Christian. You're not vying for the same position," Cillian pointed out. He sat back a little, looking at Ethan. "I dunno. You might. You've never been over the moon for someone before?"
"No, but people ditch their friends for their significant others all the time." Ethan shifted under the look, not sure what Cillian was seeing. "No. I don't do that. I don't do. feelings and love and whatever."
"Sometimes, but that's usually when they first get together. I'd say you're past that point and even then it's rarely permanent," Cillian said. He smiled as he shook his head. "But you do, otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about Blake. Even if you don't love him, you clearly have feelings for him. Why lie about it?"
"Because it's easier," Ethan said. "I hate having feelings. It's overwhelming. I just want to be able to walk away and not wonder why I'm bothering, if I'm good enough. It's exhausting."
"Sometimes you can't help it," Cillian shrugged. "It can also be rewarding and exciting and make you happy in a way that hooking up never will." He laughed a little, listening to himself. "You know, talking to you, it's like we have nothing in common and everything in common at the same time." It amused him. He was giving Ethan advice he would've rejected himself until recently.
"Of course it does. And when it does it terrifies me." Because Ethan didn't do that kind of happy. His happiness had never been so deeply linked to someone else before. "I'm an every man's man." He winked, clearly teasing.
"Yeah, me too," Cillian nodded. Unlike Ethan, he did do that kind of happy, but he also knew the heartache that followed when things came to an end. He kept that part to himself, pretty sure Ethan didn't need to know how miserable he could end up if things fell apart. "You're something, that's for sure," he snickered, then took a sip of his beer. "I'm curious. What do you do other than party? Like...what's your thing?"
Ethan gave Cillian a look before shrugging. "That is my thing." Not entirely true, but Ethan wasn't going to go into that without a fight. "Drink, smoke, fuck. Pretty basic life."
"No, that's what you're known for. And you've done a good job at building that reputation. But what do you do?" Cillian asked, raising a brow.
Ethan shrugged. "That is what I do." And he watched people, learned about them. He was poised to take over his father's company if he ever got home and his father wanted to retire. But what was the point of answering about that, about things that might not happen for a lifetime or ever. "Why?"
"I'm thinking about opening a club," Cillian said. It was where he took his mind these days when he started to get depressed about something, because he knew it would cheer him up to think about his project. For some reason he thought Ethan might know something about it, but he supposed Ethan was probably like him-- going to clubs didn't mean you knew anything about running one. "I was going to pick your brain, but I really don't need help with smoking, drinking, or fucking."
Ethan leaned back, eyebrow arched. "Pick my brain about what? How to run it or what you should do to make it successful?" he asked, because Cillian actually had his attention there. Sure, it wasn't the life he was planning on pursuing, but Ethan knew enough about business to know what would work and wouldn't, plus, he knew the industry better than most.
"Yes. Both. All of the above," Cillian said with an amused snort. "I have the opportunity to do something like that here that I'd never have back home. I don't have the money or the experience or even the right background. Nobody in their right might would back me. But MABEL will give me everything for free. I just have to figure out how to make it work. Parts of it seem easy, while others are overwhelming, and I know there's things I haven't even thought of. I thought maybe you might know." Unless Ethan was really just a party boy.
Ethan considered that for a moment, then nodded. "You're not completely unbackable, but you're green. If I was going to back you, I'd definitely expect you to have a business model and someone on your side who knows what they're doing. So if you have a business model, an idea beyond 'I want to open' a bar, I can take a look and let you know where it needs work. And then I can show you a few things about how to run it so it's a success."
Cillian bit his lip. Ethan clearly knew more about what he was talking about than Cillian did based on the words he was using alone. "So, um... what does a business model entail? And... I don't know. I need to put something out on the net and see if anyone wants to go into business with me. Someone that does know what they're doing." He took a sip of his beer, trying to put together a plan, but it was more difficult three beers deep. "I have ideas, but they're more on the creative side than the business side. Like lights, and sound, and architecture. But I've never worked in design, so..." It was always so much more when he tried to put it all down.
"All of that. Put it all down in writing. Then we'll go through it and I'll tell you where you're lacking. And if it looks good enough, maybe I can help." But he wasn't about to waste his time doing all the work. The goal was to not work here, or ever if he could avoid it forever. Still, it would be something to do with his free time.
"Okay," Cillian nodded. He could do that. He was organized enough. And maybe Ethan could tell him where he had holes. It was a little bit of a relief not to hear that he was out of his mind, even if he was sure Ethan was thinking it. "Why would you even consider helping me?" he asked. "You know nothing about me."
Ethan's smile was the hundred watt one, the one that stopped people dead when he wanted it to. "Because maybe I'm actually nice guy posing as an asshole," he said with a little wink.
Cillian smiled back, a genuine relaxed one that went all the way up to his eyes. "Yeah, maybe you are," he said. Ethan put on a good show, but little bits here and there told him that was probably the case.