t h e a (just_waking) wrote in cotic, @ 2016-12-20 15:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | dean, thea |
i found you
Who: Dean and Thea
Setting: the library
Thea was freaking out a tiny bit. She hadn’t seen Dean since before his date. She’d gone around in hopes that she’d catch him but Andy had said he was out. She didn’t think that he’d avoid her or anything. No, that wouldn’t be right. Right? Unless it was. Her mind would then get sent off on a trajectory that she really hated, wrapped up in feelings of such intense vulnerability that she didn’t even want to acknowledge it.
Had his date gone so well that he’d already forgotten about her? Well, not forgotten. She wasn’t that dramatic and he was so much better a person than to do that to her even for a few days. But he could be spending all his time with her, like if they really hit it off, and he deserved to be happy, and yes. All the yes.
After her talk with Olivia, which maybe hadn’t exactly fixed everything she was feeling, she had at least gotten one really awesome thing out of it - she had another friend around she could trust. One who knew her story. Olivia’s words echoed in her head. You deserve to be happy. And she did. That was true. For real. She didn’t know why it was rattling around her head while she was on her way to bring Dean a picnic, but it was. She should probably examine that, but alas, no. She was definitely not letting herself go there.
Well today she wasn’t actually going to allow him to keep quiet on his date anymore. So she sucked it up, made a picnic lunch for them both, (with a basket and everything!) then went and hunted him down at his office, because she was positive that he wasn’t going to skip work. She walked into the empty building, then made her way to his office. She knocked on the door then stood back and smoothed her hand over her skirt, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear, the other basket over her arm like she was off to grandma’s house via an inadvisable trip through the woods.
“Come in!” Dean’s voice was distracted, hunched as he was over a pile of papers, his forehead wrinkled in concentration. He’d thrown himself into work lately, since his disastrous second date with Darcy. Andy hadn’t stopped laughing for days when he’d admitted what had happened to his housemate. It was easier to just work all the hours and keep his head down. He certainly wasn’t going to hunt out Thea, especially given the reason for his total and complete failure, that was for sure.
Thea steeled herself for a second. Act normal! she told herself firmly, then she opened up the door, all smiles. “You!” she said, breezing in, basket and all. “You’ve been missing! Okay not missing because I’m pretty sure there would have been an alert or something, but I haven’t seen you, and I miss you, and so I thought to myself ‘hey, food is good’ and then figured that sharing was also really cool? I learned it in kindergarten, and so far kindergarten hasn’t ever really steered me wrong. They were super right about not doing things like eating glue or play dough.”
Dean looked up, wide eyed, as she came in. Frozen for a moment, he then tried to tidy up the papers on his desk, as though it would make a blind bit of difference, all while trying to keep up with what she was saying. “Thea! Hi! How are you?” he said, with a manic type of surprised cheeriness. He was in trouble, he knew he was in trouble - because she’d tracked him down with a brought in reason for them to spend time together, which meant that she had totally noticed that he had been avoiding her. He was in so much trouble.
She noticed the sort of weird reaction there. She stopped and eyed him as he tried to clean up his area, even if she didn’t imagine that it mattered. She was fairly certain that he wasn’t working on anything top secret or anything, and she wasn’t going to put any food down on his papers. So, she merely watched him, one brow arched as her head tilted to the side. “Confused, mostly,” she answered him. “I usually see you more often and I was supposed to get the low down on your date!” she reminded him. “I’m guessing your new girl has been taking up all of your time?” she asked. She desperately hoped that she managed to keep her tone neutral, and she didn’t sound like she had a mouth full of lemons on that score.
Dean gave up on the papers and emerged from behind his desk. Now, though, he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands and after a momentary flail, ended up thrusting them down into his trouser pockets. “Right. Yeah. I, erm. About that....” he said, grimacing a little. “So - it was kind of… a disaster? Or, not. But - it wasn’t great.”
Thea immediately hit concerned mode. She set her basket down. “Oh no! Are you okay? What happened?” she asked. Her reaction didn’t have to be tempered, she wasn’t happy that his date had gone poorly - or at least not yet - she was too sad about that grimace and tone. Just because she was nursing weird jealousy feelings and being unfair didn’t taint the rest of her, apparently. She stepped closer to him and gave him a hug, even if his hands were in his pockets.
Dean pulled his hands out of his pockets to hug her back, but then that set off a wave of guilt and he tensed up and stepped back instead. “It was all me,” he told her, not wanting Thea to think for a moment that any of this was Darcy’s fault. “She was really nice, I just… It didn’t…” Feel like it does when I’m with you. “I realised half way through that there just. God. There just wasn’t anything there. I didn’t like her that way and I couldn’t just… Keep making like I did on the off chance that maybe something would develop.”
She stepped back when he did, though she felt a pang at the tension she’d felt shoot through him. She internally coached herself yet again that Dean wasn’t always as touchy feely as she was, and she needed to not overstep her bounds. So she stood back and fidgeted, because she wanted to hug him again. She could occasionally take a hint, though. So she listened, and nodded as he spoke. “That’s...I’m sorry Dean. That’s no good. But you did the right thing, if you knew there wasn’t anything to build on there, then best to cut it short than yeah. Wait til things have gone sideways and there are all kinds of hurt feelings and stuff…” she trailed off. “Not fair to either her or you in that scenario.”
“Right,” Dean said, dropping his eyes for a moment. He really wasn’t sure what to say about the whole thing, because it all felt so awkward. The fact that the only girl he felt comfortable with was the one standing in front of him. The one that had never shown any interest in him as anything more than a friend. “Erm - so, lunch?” he asked, gaze catching on the picnic she had with her.
“Uh, yeah,” she said, turning to grab the basket. “Sorry again about your date, though. My guy stood me up. Guess I’m not dateable.” She gave a little laugh for that, not actually that bothered that her date had never showed. She felt like she would have been in the same boat as Dean, just kind of not interested. “Are you okay?” she asked, reaching out to loop her arm through his.
“Me?” Dean asked, darting glances over at her. “I’m fine - kinda baffled at the suggestion that you’re not dateable, but fine.”
She laughed. “I don't know, he didn't show up! We contacted each other, but yeah, then nothing. Oh well. I'll be a hundred percent honest and say that I was a bit relieved,” she admitted. “I didn't know the guy, and I don't know. I guess I didn't feel like being set up by a computer with a stranger was the way to go for me. Sure, I'd love snuggle time and kisses, but I don't...” she trailed off, the back of her brain supplying an unhelpful comment. I don't want to do those things with someone that isn't Dean-shaped. Stop it! Best friend, you're being a jerk in your head, he just had a hard time with a date.
“Blind dates are… yeah,” Dean agreed. “There was a part of me that hoped that it’d lead to something. Then there’s… Would I sound like a bastard if I said that there was a big part of me that was almost grateful that it didn’t? I can’t really explain that right to you.”
“Yeah,” she said with a nod, wrinkling her nose cutely. She started to lead him out of his office, basket held in the crook of her other arm. She was taking him to her favorite place in the library, a round room with a stained glass ceiling. It was pretty, lined with books, and had cushions on the floor to sit on. She'd brought them in herself months ago, because she thought the room needed them. “Are you not ready for a relationship?” she asked, at his admission.
Dean didn’t answer straight away, trying to think of the best way to respond to that without just pouring his heart out and sacrificing himself on the altar of rejection. That was something he didn’t think he’d ever be ready for. “I am,” he said, at last. “But it’d have to be with the right girl. Darcy proved that to me, really. I’m not one of those blokes who can be with someone just for the sake of being with them, or thinks all girls are interchangeable or whatever.”
“So you aren't Andy,” Thea said, smirking a tiny bit, starting to set out the picnic lunch. She moved cushions over for them to sit on, and busied herself with the details. It gave her something to focus on. “I never figured you were that kind of guy,” she added. “I always saw you as being the kind of guy that, once you're in, you're in,” she assessed. “That you're that guy who gives your heart, not just your time and attention. That you'd want to really be with someone, that just passing the time with them wouldn't quite be good enough.” So, basically, my perfect mate. Shut up, Thea.
Dean stood, watching her work, for a long moment. Then he caught himself and sat, settling on a cushion. “You know me so well,” he said. That was part of the problem, had always been part of the problem. They’d clicked, from the moment they’d met - or, at least, Dean thought so. Everything had always been so easy with Thea and it was like she’d always known him. She could read him like a book - everything aside from the fact that he’d been hopelessly in love with her all along.
“I do,” Thea agreed, giving him a smile. She finally sat down, and handed him his plate, having made him a sandwich and there were chips there too. Then she poured them drinks. “Just like you know me well,” she added. “You’re one person I’ve never had to try and second guess. Or, y’know, not usually. I was wondering why I hadn’t seen you,” she admitted, eyes averting. “I missed you.”
Dean knew that it was theoretically possible to lie to her. He could open his mouth and tell her he’d been busy with work. That things had come up. The thing was, he’d always been terrible at lying to her, at least actively. It was why he had been avoiding her in the first place. “I guess I just needed to get my head around it,” he told her, instead. It wouldn’t be enough as an excuse, he knew. She’d ask more. He was resigned to that.
“Around what? Just not being into her?” she asked. “I hope that that doesn't mean you're giving up on love,” she said. “I know it's small around here that there aren't that many people or anything, but...” she trailed off. “Dean you're far too awesome to do that. You're going to make someone ecstatically happy one day. I just know it!” she insisted, even the hint that he might count himself out or something offending her. Even if that hadn't been what he'd said at all.
“I’m not giving up on love,” he promised her. “I just… know I need to wait for the right girl. The right time,” he said, seemingly entranced by his sandwich, because he didn’t think he would be able to look at her and say that successfully. Eventually, though, he glanced up. “How about you?” he asked, wanting to deflect the topic off him, even for a moment. “Is there… anyone?”
Thea opened up her mouth to say 'no', but the word caught in her throat just a little bit. There was some part of her that was having more and more trouble denying that she had feelings she didn't approve of. Olivia had kept telling her that it was okay for her to be happy, that she hadn't just blown her one chance at it, and that was it. That she deserved to be happy.
But she kept getting stuck on that. And her feelings would over complicate, and she'd wonder about herself, and her mind kept going in endless circles. She shut her mouth again, and looked purely miserable for a second there before she managed to school the expression. “Right now I'm trying to sort of...” she paused, trying to search for words. “You and Olivia I'm sure would both be yelling at me right now, you could tag team. I know I'm not making sense, I'm sorry. I've kind of been all over since this whole things started.” That wasn't quite true though. She'd been all over since Dean had gotten a date, and it had really kicked in when he'd gotten a second one.
Dean hesitated, then reached over to take her hand. “You know, you’re allowed to have time before you’re ready to move on,” he said, determined to first and foremost always been the best and most supportive friend he could. He’d been ignoring his feelings for her for so long that just because they were nearer the surface now, didn’t mean he couldn’t push them back when required. “There’s nothing wrong with being single for a while, if that’s what is best for you.”
Thea felt better when he took her hand, and she squeezed his. She bit her lower lip, a habit of hers when she was feeling vulnerable or something was upsetting her. “I don’t think it’s that,” she told him, being honest. “It doesn't feel like that, anyway. It’s not hesitation on that part, it’s…” she sighed. “I don’t know, I’m sorry I’m sucking so bad at explaining myself,” she said with a self exasperated eyeroll.
“It’s okay,” he told her. “I mean, it’s usually me that is crap at getting the right words out, so makes me feel a bit better that sometimes it happens to you too,” he joked, hoping to take some of the pressure off her with his words.
It worked, and she laughed a little with a smile. “Thanks,” she said. “But yeah, I don't know. I just know it isn't that I'm not ready.” I just have my heart set on one person, and that person is suspiciously dean-shaped, and that's so not fair of me. “Should we eat, instead of listening to me trip over words, making no actual sense?” she suggested. “And after you're done with work, we could go for a walk or go see a movie?”
“Film would be great,’ Dean agreed. “I know they don't have much new stuff here, but they've got some amazing classics. I'm thinking of making it a project to see all of the best films ever made. ...Wanna come along for the ride?”
Thea grinned at him. “You know I do,” she told him wholeheartedly. He could have asked her to do anything with him and she would have agreed. She felt better that they were making plans, like her world was righting itself once more.