InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Have fun storming the castle!"

Maryanne Elizabeth Walker (maryanne_walker) wrote in compass_network,
@ 2013-08-20 23:19:00

Entry tags:

!closed, maryanne walker (oe), steve rogers

Message to Steve (Cap)
So.. we should talk. The last time I tried this you switched subjects on me. Then it was okay. Now... I know you feel bad but I can't help but think, what if it had been Clint. Or Sophia. Or Tim... Or someone more squishable and unused to the pummeling of big fists.

You don't scare me, but I'm afraid for them. If you don't get help it could be one of them. I don't want to guilt you into this. But if that's what it takes.

I'm thinking about starting a group. For the people who can't sleep. For whatever reason. And I want you to help me start it. Because next time it could be someone that can't fix themselves with a switch of flesh. And I don't want you to go through what that would do to you.

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	captain_srogers 2013-08-21 12:47 am UTC (link)
	I know. Why me? (Reply to this) (Thread)

maryanne_walker
2013-08-21 01:05 am UTC (link)

Because you need this as much as I do. I know pride Steve. I'm a proud southern woman through and through. It's hard to admit when you need help.

If you want, it can start out as me and you. At Mitchell's. It would be just you and me talking. And if you needed a break. To chase away the ghosts, as I like to say, there will be music. And elvish wine. And you already know I can cut a rug.

And I can swear on my life, right now, that I will never ever tell anyone else anything you ever say to me. On pain of death.

So you know what pain of death means to me: Before I got kidnapped by a train it meant nothing. I was on the verge of death, probably. I'd been hit by a sniper's bullet in my left shoulder. In mid shift, which means I had no way to defend myself if they were going to close in on me. I had nothing I had no one, and I hadn't seen my brother, my twin, in at least five years. Now I have a family. Mitchell is my soulmate. Not in more than a platonic way, but he completes me in ways I didn't know I needed to be completed. I have a son. Who is both ten months old and twenty years old. And I'm as proud as a peahen to have him... and then there's Clint. Clint is a surprise everyday. The last time I loved someone, and they were killed, it took me almost a decade to get over that. To be brave enough to tell them that I loved them. Sometimes I feel like I cheated Daryl, because he hasn't been dead six months. Because there isn't a time that goes by, that if I feel like I need to say I love you. It leaves my lips. Without expectation of hearing it back. But I know he feels the same without needing the words.

I have a life that I would miss. Because I wont see these people when I die. I don't have hopes that mutants find heaven. Because everyone preaches that beasts don't have souls.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	captain_srogers 2013-08-21 01:09 am UTC (link)
	How can you even look at me? I could have taken you from all of that last night. Almost did. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	maryanne_walker 2013-08-21 01:17 am UTC (link)
	Because you didn't. Because you held back. Because I know what kind of man you are, Steve Rodgers. And in short, I owe you this life. Because I wouldn't have it if you didn't exist. As for how, you'll have to come talk to me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	captain_srogers 2013-08-21 01:22 am UTC (link)
	Talking doesn't make crazy go away. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	maryanne_walker 2013-08-21 01:28 am UTC (link)
	It's not crazy. Not anymore. And you'll be surprised what it does to quiet the voices. Ghosts like to be heard Steve. And who knows, you might actually get a few winks out of it. I know I do. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	captain_srogers 2013-08-21 01:36 am UTC (link)
	I see things that aren't there and lose control of myself. Sounds pretty crazy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

maryanne_walker
2013-08-21 01:56 am UTC (link)

It's called something a little nicer. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's your mind trying to wrap around things that no body should ever have to try to fathom. And you had enough that... That you have good days at all is a miracle.

Sometimes I can be doing something completely mundane, and I look down and see... sometimes it's as simple as blood covering my hands. Sometimes it's mine, sometimes it's someone elses. It's never really there... but it's real enough that I can almost feel the stickiness of it. When I hunt, after I make a kill, I have to clean myself out there. Because I can't... I can't look at the blood when it's real.

I can keep control, only because I've had help learning how. Because when I lose control I become something different. Something that doesn't value life.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	captain_srogers 2013-08-21 03:12 am UTC (link)
	Okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	maryanne_walker 2013-08-21 03:22 am UTC (link)
	It'll help. I promise. Tomorrow night do you want to meet me after last call? I would offer tonight, but I owe someone that took very good care of me last night some serious snuggle time. (Reply to this) (Parent)