Clint Barton aka Hawkeye (cfbarton) wrote in compass_network, @ 2013-07-17 21:44:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !closed, ~abigail knightly |
Email to Abi
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything that happened. I'm sorry about disappearing and not telling you I was still alive. I'm sorry that I never got the letter. I would have dropped everything and come home to be with you if I had known, Abi. I never would have left you alone to deal with that. No matter what happened.
I'm sorry that I waited so long to tell you how I felt about you. I'm sorry that things could have been different but I was too much of a coward. I'm sorry that I let you down.
I'm not the same man you knew back then, Abi. I've done a lot of horrible things in the name of protecting our country. I've killed people, Abi. They were bad people, yes, but I still killed them. And I've fought a lot of battles. There are things about me that you don't know and I am so afraid that when you find out you're going to hate me. If you don't already.
I never stopped loving you, Abi. It took me a long time to finally get to a point where I thought I could move on. And then that relationship ended partially because of my feelings for you. I don't blame you in the slightest. It was entirely my fault. So please don't think that I'm blaming you. So all in all, it took me nearly 10 years to finally, really move on from our relationship. But I never stopped loving you.
I'm in a place right now that won't let me be open emotionally. I'm just numb. This place has taken away people that I love before and I am so scared that if you and I get close, I'll lose you all over again because that's what has happened in the past. I lost Natasha twice already. And now she's here again and then you show up and I don't know if I can take losing either of you. And if I let you in, if I get close and open up and let you have my heart again, you're going to go away. Because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm not. It took losing Natasha the second time before I finally realized that.
I'm sorry, Abi. I'll never stop being sorry and I will never stop loving you. You were my first everything and you were my world for so long, I was just too much of a coward to tell you. I'm sorry.