InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Gettin' jiggy wit it."

Clint Barton aka Hawkeye (cfbarton) wrote in compass_network,
@ 2013-07-17 21:44:00

Entry tags:

!closed, ~abigail knightly

Email to Abi

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything that happened. I'm sorry about disappearing and not telling you I was still alive. I'm sorry that I never got the letter. I would have dropped everything and come home to be with you if I had known, Abi. I never would have left you alone to deal with that. No matter what happened.

I'm sorry that I waited so long to tell you how I felt about you. I'm sorry that things could have been different but I was too much of a coward. I'm sorry that I let you down.

I'm not the same man you knew back then, Abi. I've done a lot of horrible things in the name of protecting our country. I've killed people, Abi. They were bad people, yes, but I still killed them. And I've fought a lot of battles. There are things about me that you don't know and I am so afraid that when you find out you're going to hate me. If you don't already.

I never stopped loving you, Abi. It took me a long time to finally get to a point where I thought I could move on. And then that relationship ended partially because of my feelings for you. I don't blame you in the slightest. It was entirely my fault. So please don't think that I'm blaming you. So all in all, it took me nearly 10 years to finally, really move on from our relationship. But I never stopped loving you.

I'm in a place right now that won't let me be open emotionally. I'm just numb. This place has taken away people that I love before and I am so scared that if you and I get close, I'll lose you all over again because that's what has happened in the past. I lost Natasha twice already. And now she's here again and then you show up and I don't know if I can take losing either of you. And if I let you in, if I get close and open up and let you have my heart again, you're going to go away. Because I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm not. It took losing Natasha the second time before I finally realized that.

I'm sorry, Abi. I'll never stop being sorry and I will never stop loving you. You were my first everything and you were my world for so long, I was just too much of a coward to tell you. I'm sorry.

(Post a new comment)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 08:33 am UTC (link)
	Would if I could take my choices back. There's a lot I'd change about what happened between us. I know I made too many mistakes to even count and I don't like.. touching. I'm broken, Clint. It's not your fault. I'm sorry the Abi you knew is gone and there's just me left. I want to be what you want but I'm not that girl now. You deserve to be happy. I love you. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 02:39 pm UTC (link)
	I would love a chance to get to know you again if you'll let me. And if you're okay with the fact that I'm old. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 02:47 pm UTC (link)
	Why would you want that? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 02:51 pm UTC (link)
	Because you have always been very important to me, Abi. And I would like to get to know you again. I'd like to be part of your life again, if you'll let me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 02:52 pm UTC (link)
	Alright. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 02:53 pm UTC (link)
	Would you be willing to have dinner with me tonight? I've actually learned how to cook. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 02:54 pm UTC (link)
	I guess so. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 02:55 pm UTC (link)
	We don't have to if you would rather not. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 02:56 pm UTC (link)
	I don't know what I want (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 02:57 pm UTC (link)
	Okay. Take your time. Figure it out. I'll be here whenever you're ready. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 02:58 pm UTC (link)
	Who are Natasha and Bobbi? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 02:59 pm UTC (link)
	Bobbi is my ex wife. The relationship that didn't work out. Natasha is more recent. We were engaged when she died. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 03:03 pm UTC (link)
	I'm sorry for your loss. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 03:04 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	abigailknightly 2013-07-18 03:14 pm UTC (link)
	Dinner at 7. Your place. ~~Don't let me down again.~~ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	cfbarton 2013-07-18 03:20 pm UTC (link)
	See you then (Reply to this) (Parent)