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Anders (oftwominds) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2011-04-05 01:28:00

Entry tags:

anders, neria surana

WHO: Anders and Neria Surana
WHAT: The Collector's latest trick has worn off and Justice has come home.
WHERE: Anders' flat.
WHEN: Night the plot ends
STATUS/RATING: Incomplete/TBD

When it first happened Anders had blacked out. It was all dreams and pain and his thoughts tearing themselves apart as Justice settled back into his mind. A surge of energy had surge through him, his skin ripping apart and mending as the fade situated itself within his mind. There was nothing to prepare for how it felt, not even having experienced it all before. All of it was not something that could be described, it had no words in this reality or really any reality. Though the fact that there were not abomination scholars probably had something to do with that.

When he came too was when he noticed that several of the light bulbs around him had shattered. The room was plunged into darkness and that was all he needed right now. Glass was scattered on the floor, a clear hazard to Lord Mewsy but all Anders could do was pull himself onto the couch and pull his knees to his chest and she closed his eyes tight. He, they, it was all together again and he disappeared and came back all at once. Memories of the first time flashed through his mind, the templars and the recognition of all that death around him, the feeling of a sword going through his chest harmlessly. It was all too much and he pushed his knees against his eyes to try and block it out.

This was how it was meant to be. All the decisions had been made and there was so much they needed to do. Even in this place, they, he would find something.

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halamshivanas
2011-04-05 06:09 pm UTC (link)

"You won't, Anders." There was a certainty to the words. Neria had complete faith in Anders. Maybe it was strange, considering she barely knew the other mage, but there was something about him that made her trust him perhaps more than she ought to have done. Maybe it was the sense of camaraderie, like he knew her better than most anyone. And she supposed he did. After all, in his mind they had been friends and allies. She wished she was from a time when she remembered that, so that she could be the friend he needed. She couldn't help but feel like she was competing with herself, and would never live up to the woman he knew.

"You are a good man, Anders," she said softly. "And I never quite realised before how difficult this must be for you. Seeing Justice how I did...it made me see what it must be like...and I want to help you. I know this was your choice, and I respect that, but I can't help feeling that if you keep trying to do this alone it will end badly for you. You need people, Anders. You can't keep pushing them away. And don't say that you don't, because you do. You let people just close enough, but you still keep up a wall. And it's not good for you. I just...want to be there for you. I care about you, Anders, and I don't want to see you destroy yourself."

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oftwominds
2011-04-06 03:01 am UTC (link)

"I already did!" he pleaded desperately, looking up at her with red rimmed eyes. "It wasn't me, exactly, but it was, it, he, he's a part of me, is me. And I don't want something like that to happen again. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you, Commander." Again he slipped into her title but he could not stop himself from it. Her name was too familiar, too personal, everything that he needed to keep himself distanced from. Commander was a rank, an authority, an figure who he could process and maybe be around. But just Neria? It was all too confusing and the sinking disapproval of part of him was ever present in his mind.

His head sunk into his hands, gripping onto his hair as he tried to just think. But his mind was so hard to keep track of, everything was still trying to rebuild itself, the joining with Justice still too fresh. "You can't. Not you. If something happened to you, if I did something to you. I just can't. It'd destroy me."

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halamshivanas
2011-04-06 07:01 am UTC (link)

"No, you didn't," Neria insisted. "Justice was trapped in an unwilling body, lashing out against the situation. That wasn't you. Yes, he is a part of you, but you do not have to let that rule you. I trust you, Anders. I know you will not hurt me. I only wish you could believe that." She closed her eyes and took a steadying breathe. "And there you are, doing it again. Calling me Commander. Forcing this distance. I am not some child who needs to be protected, Anders. I am a Grey Warden. My very existence is dangerous...fatal even. You are no more a danger to me than anything else, less so even because you do not wish to hurt me."

She moved to the floor, kneeling in front of him and resting her hands on his shoulders. "Look at me, Anders," she said softly. "Please. Nothing will happen to me. You have to believe that. The only way you could possibly hurt me is by pushing me away. Just...trust me enough to know I can take care of myself. And trust yourself enough to know that you are not a threat to me, because you do not wish to be."

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oftwominds
2011-04-06 05:25 pm UTC (link)

"You don't understand! He is me. I'm him, there isn't this clearly defined line, there never was." It was so hard to understand, even for him and it was his mind. His mind that still felt like it was being pulled in all directions. He was dangerous, he knew that. At least in Kirkwall no one really knew him. He could control himself, even though he was following Hawke and gaining perhaps what might be called friends. But the Commander was different. The commander was too close and occupied too many of his thoughts.

His head snapped up when she touched him. It was all too much and he only had so much control. Before he could stop himself he had grabbed each side of her face, simply holding it there as he kept himself from doing something incredibly stupid. She had no idea who he was, no idea about everything that would happen to her and even then it was not like it mattered. But he stared into her eyes desperately, holding her head to make sure she looked back. "Neria you can't do this. I'm not strong enough."

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halamshivanas
2011-04-06 06:54 pm UTC (link)

Neria shook her head. "I do not believe that," she said. "There may not be a clear division, but you are not fully him. I saw him and that is not you. In all I've seen of you, you're just different, Anders. You are kind and good and Justice is better off for it. You temper him in a way other people never could. And that is how I know you aren't a danger. You are too good a person to give in to that." Part of her wanted to suggest that they talk to Morpheus and see if he could return Justice to the Fade. But Anders seemed so fragile just then that she didn't want to risk upsetting him.

When he touched her, she froze and just stared up at him. Her heart was racing suddenly, but she still wasn't afraid of him. "Anders," she said softly. "You are stronger than anyone I have ever known. Please believe me when I tell you there is not a thing that you could do that would make me fear you. Nothing at all. I care for you and I will not let you push me away."

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oftwominds
2011-04-06 08:03 pm UTC (link)

"I'm not fully either of us. I'm both of us. We're, I'm something different than what either of us were before." His hands shook slightly and he managed a bitter laugh when she called him good and kind. Perhaps he was, but he was also angry. He was harsh and unforgiving, swift and decisive like justice. "You don't know me well enough yet to make those claims, Commander. Not yet."

He needed to keep that distance, any sort of distance. Because right now he was staring into her eyes and she was so close. Part of him wanted to just take it, to stop with teasing that she did not even know happened yet. It was driving him mad, more mad than he already was. "I'm not stronger. I'm angry. You need to fear me because there's too much of that anger inside me, even here without a templar in sight it's still there."

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halamshivanas
2011-04-06 11:02 pm UTC (link)

Maybe she didn't know him as well as she could. Maybe she wasn't the Commander he knew and who knew him. But she wasn't wrong about him. Neria had always seen herself as a good judge of character and that had never failed her with her Companions. Even with Jowan, he had not truly been malicious. Misguided, yes, but he had learned from his mistakes and was now doing what he could to help people. And without blood magic. Anders was a good man, and nothing he could say would convince her otherwise.

"Maybe I don't know you as well as I should," she said with a sigh, "but I know the man I met in this place is not a monster. You help at the clinic and you have a soft spot for kittens and your sense of humour is a bit ridiculous. And, most importantly, you care. You care about the suffering of others to the point that you would sacrifice yourself for them." She reached up, covering one of his hands with hers. "I stand by what I said before. You are a good man, Anders. And, despite your best efforts, I do not fear you."

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oftwominds
2011-04-07 12:54 am UTC (link)

Why did she have to make this so difficult? Though he knew why, it was because she was the commander and she always led him into trouble. But he always followed when she called, until he could no longer stay by her side. That was just how it worked. It was why Anders somehow felt the need to follow Hawke when she called. That sort of person, that bit of a guiding light that he lacked even with all the purpose that drove him now.

His head tilted forward, pressing their foreheads together and he just tried to think. Why did she always make it so difficult? Even in Amaranthine, before this whole mess, he just followed her into places that he never would have dared before. She overpowered his thoughts in a way that was unsettling. "I'm just going to break your heart, Neria. You shouldn't put so much trust in me."

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halamshivanas
2011-04-07 11:03 pm UTC (link)

The conversation felt as if it were going in circles, like so many discussions she'd had with Sten during their travels. Only instead of the worth of women as warriors or the role of mages in society or anything other topic upon which she and the Qunari had disagreed, this was focused on her feelings. And, therefore, she couldn't just let the topic drop however frustrating it might be. No matter what Anders might say, she saw the good in him. It was no different than her ability to trust and care from any of her companions who had questionable pasts or who could be dangerous. However dangerous he might think himself, she knew she could trust him.

Moments like this made her want to help him, to make his life easier somehow. They also made her stomach twist in knots. She was developing feelings for him, and she wasn't quite sure how to process that. She was afraid if she told him, he would push her away and she wasn't sure she could handle that. It was one thing to have friendship rejected. It was quite another to be denied in that respect. Still, when he said things like this, she could almost hope.

"Maybe you will," she said, "and maybe you won't. But I have never been the sort to live my life in the fear of what may come to pass. Perhaps this will lead me to unhappiness. Perhaps it won't. All I know is that cutting you out of my life will hurt me. And that is a certainty. The way I see it, the odds are better choosing to keep you in my life."

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