Tweak

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Tweak says, "Give me the karma, mama!"

Gabriel "Sylar" Gray (inaworldsocold) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2010-06-25 16:59:00

Entry tags:

!@event, !closed, claire winchester, gabriel 'sylar' gray

WHO: Gabriel "Sylar" Gray & Claire Bennet
WHAT: Gabriel needs to learn how to forgive himself. Claire is elected to help him.
WHERE: Gabriel's own mind.
WHEN: After Gabriel's chat with God
RATING: PG
STATUS: In Progress

The sudden shift hadn't been expected to happen again, and when it had happened, he hadn't expected the surroundings that they had arrived in. Gabriel had been far too baffled to really catch him after the last few words had tripped off his tongue, and he had disappeared again. In his own mind? Gabriel stared at his surroundings, reaching down and picking up a watch off of his desk and studied it, frowning for a long moment as he turned it in his hand and held it up to his ear. Nothing. Not a hint. Not a hint of anything.

Dropping it back down, Gabriel shook his head before turning towards the door, the other words confusing him. Her? Who else had he thrown in here? Hopefully it was something that wouldn't kill him on sight since he seemed to be lacking any of his abilities at the moment. Stepping over to the door, Gabriel paused, taking a slow, deep breath before pulling it open and bracing himself for the individual that he might see on the other side.

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goallbuffyonus
2010-06-30 10:08 pm UTC (link)

"Are you kidding me?!"

The question was bit out in the form of a growl. Claire's gaze had turned downright murderous as she glared up at him. "You have self-esteem issues so I wind up stuck inside your head? How is that fair?!" With another growl, this one of frustration, she purposefully turned her focus to her new surroundings to keep herself from saying something else without thinking about it first. If he was right and they were there because of him, screaming at him wasn't exactly going to fix the problem. Not that Claire had any other idea how to fix the problem. Especially if the problem was Gabriel. She'd been wracking her brain for weeks trying to find a way to snap him back to reality and had come up lacking every time. She doubted inspiration was going to come from his own mental prison.

Sighing softly, her gaze flickering across the various books along the shelves, she finally spoke in a bit calmer tone while turning to face him. "Okay," she said flatly, arms wrapping around her middle as she eyed him with an unreadable expression. "So just how do we get out of here? There has to be a way, right?"

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inaworldsocold
2010-06-30 10:29 pm UTC (link)

Gabriel shrugged. It was the best answer he could give since he had absolutely no idea how he was supposed to fix this. Forgiving himself, probably, but that didn't seem like it was going to happen anytime soon. "We might as well settle in for the long haul," He said, looking over at Claire before flopping down into one of the chairs, book in hand. "I'm apparently supposed to find a way to forgive myself for what I've done. But I don't see that happening anytime soon."

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goallbuffyonus
2010-06-30 10:37 pm UTC (link)

The long haul? Claire shook her head firmly, refusing to even consider such an option. She didn't care what had to be done for them to get out of there, they were going to do it and they were going to do it now. "Oh no you don't," she finally spoke. With no preamble, she crossed to where he was sitting and snatched the book out of his grasp. Glaring at him, one hand went to her hip as she continued.

"I'm not staying stuck here any longer than I have to. I happen to have a life I'm missing out on right now," she stated firmly. She eyed him closely, lips pulled down into a displeased expression. "And if the only way I can get out of here is for you to forgive yourself, that's exactly what you're going to do."

Yes, she knew it didn't work that way. However she also didn't care. She wasn't going to be punished because he had issues with the things he'd done. She was sick and tired of her life being put on hold every time Gabriel decided to do something crazy and this was no exception. With a shake of her head, she tacked on, "So start talking, Gabriel. Whatever is going on inside that head of yours. Let's have it so we can try to get past this already."

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inaworldsocold
2010-06-30 10:52 pm UTC (link)

As the book was yanked from his grasp, Gabriel found himself without anything to shield himself from Claire. He had been hoping to keep himself from feeling the sort of judgment that he was sure that she would level on him after everything, and the words that lashed out at him provoked a wince. He didn't mean to upset her life. He didn't even really know when their paths had become so entangled that one tread out of line for him resulted in a complicated crash for her. But if he was really holding her back just by being himself...

"I don't know," Gabriel said quietly. "That's the problem. I thought I had it all worked out. Things were going so well, and then it just...became to impossible to bear. And I fell right back into what I'd been trying to get out of. And if I'm really that easy to push over the edge... Am I ever going to get to a point where I have myself under control enough that I'm not a threat to everyone around me?"

To everyone that he cared about.

"I could have killed you," He said softly. "And I did kill Angela. What does that even make me?"

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goallbuffyonus
2010-06-30 11:03 pm UTC (link)

His words, or maybe just the tone he used, all but took the wind out of her sails. It was all but impossible for her to stay angry with him knowing that this hadn't been his fault. It also wasn't very fair. He had been doing really well and now one slip-up had his life in such a tailspin that she wasn't even sure it could be fixed. Being mad at him seemed to add insult to that injury, somehow.

Dropping into the nearest chair, she set the book down and leaned forward so her elbows were resting on her thighs. Her green eyes flickered to the ground as she struggled with what to say. Everything sounded either completely lame, full of false hope, or utterly ridiculous. Finally she met his gaze and simply did her best.

"It makes you a human being, Gabriel," she said softly. "It makes you someone who has issues and who doesn't always know the best way to deal with them. And okay, so your issues cause you to kill. That's... not exactly great." She shook her head and sighed quietly, glancing down at her hands in thought before looking back over at him. "But you aren't completely responsible for the things you've done. Especially this time. And once everyone realizes that, I don't think there are that many who are going to keep blaming you."

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inaworldsocold
2010-06-30 11:30 pm UTC (link)

"But that doesn't change anything, Claire," Gabriel said. "They'll all still be dead, and it will have still been my fault. I can't change that," He said, a heaviness seeping into his features as he looked up at her. "No matter how much I might want to, no matter how much I would do to try and give back what I've taken from everyone."

Gabriel paused, gaze shifting down to his hands as he folded them in his lap, perhaps never so grateful to be somewhere familiar in all of his life.

"Nathan, Meredith, Angela... I've taken so much from you. How can you stand to even look at me without wanting me to die?" It was impossible for him to fathom how she could be so forgiving, so understanding, even he was the cause of so many issues in her life and had even attempted to deprive her of her more important family members as well. "How can any of you?"

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goallbuffyonus
2010-07-01 01:36 am UTC (link)

Claire was silent for a long moment after he'd spoken. She honestly wasn't sure what to say. She struggled with that very same question far more often than she'd like to admit, truth be told. She worried that, should any of those he'd killed wind up in Colligo, they'd hate her if they realized just how easily she'd forgiven him. Just how easily she could let herself forget what he'd done.

"I don't know," she finally said. Her voice was so soft that, for a moment, she wasn't sure she'd even said it out loud. Finally, with a heavy sigh, she spoke again. Her expression was unreadable as she did her best to explain something she really didn't understand herself.

"I know that I have every right to hate you. I know that I don't have to forgive you. But..." She gave a faint shrug. "I also know that you're a good man," she said plainly. Simply. "And I know that I'm tired of being angry all the time. It isn't healthy and nothing good ever comes from it. So I guess, for me, it's easier to forgive, forget and focus on all the good that you can do, than spend the rest of eternity pissed off at you over things you can't take back even if you want to."

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inaworldsocold
2010-07-01 05:48 am UTC (link)

"But I'm not...a good man," Gabriel said as he looked up at her. "I might have been, at one time, but there is far too much baggage that comes with everything for me to still be that person," He said, looking down at his folded hands. The lack of having to face her helped, and since he was able to pretend that he was just speaking to himself, he didn't feel quite as much pressure to only say the appropriate thoughts. "I want to help. I want to fix what's happened and move on with my life and live in the way that most people do, but how can I do that when what I am and what I can do make me a danger?"

Closing his eyes for a moment, Sylar tipped his head back up, sighing as he opened them and looked over at her, "How can I put my daughter through what I had to go through? How can I let her find out what kind of monster that I can be? I want her to be happy...and I don't want to ruin her life like my father did mine."

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goallbuffyonus
2010-07-01 06:01 am UTC (link)

"You are a good man," Claire argued, almost out of instinct than anything else. She was so used to defending him against others that she didn't even miss a beat defending him against himself, too. Her eyes shone with sincerity as she continued. "The fact that you're worried about all of that proves it."

Not sure what else to say, she fell silent for a second. Growing thoughtful, Claire studied her own hands - now resting in her lap - for a long moment before looking back to him. "Look, I can't say that you don't pose a danger to people. You do. You know it, I know it, anyone who has ever met you knows it. But that doesn't mean you have to be a threat. You don't have to act on it. You don't have to..."

She trailed off and grunted in frustration. "This wasn't your fault," she finally spat out. "You were manipulated into doing these things. You would never have done them without Lucifer's influence. I'm sure of it."

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inaworldsocold
2010-07-01 06:19 am UTC (link)

"And just how long will it be before someone else happens along who can influence me right back over the edge?" Gabriel asked as he looked over at her, a deep concern etched on his features. "I'm not the one in control, no matter how much I might want to be," He said, leaning back in the chair and tipping his eyes towards the ceiling. "No matter how much anyone might try and tell me differently," He said, his voice going quiet. "Maybe I'm better off right here. At least everyone else would be safe," He said, turning his head to the side slowly to look at her.

"I'm sure he'd let you out. You're not responsible for me."

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goallbuffyonus
2010-07-01 06:24 am UTC (link)

"He?" Claire echoed. "He who?" Because of course, that was the most important thing to ask. Out of everything he'd said, the vague allusion to someone who might be responsible for this was of course at the top of the priority list. Mentally she kicked herself, but she didn't take back the question. Curiosity demanded she at least ask.

"And it doesn't matter if I could get out of here or not," she added stubbornly. "I'm not leaving here unless you're with me. I can't believe you'd even think I would." With a shake of her head, she absently glanced down at the book he'd picked off the shelf earlier. Fingers danced over the title as she looked back to the man sitting across from her.

"It sounds to me like you need to learn to be the one in control instead of your abilities," she said in an even tone.

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inaworldsocold
2010-07-01 06:38 am UTC (link)

"I'm starting to get the distinct impression that it wasn't just some random guy with powers," Gabriel said, rubbing his temple as he sighed. "And considering he implied that he could fix Angela... I might have just stumbled into a random conversation with someone that I really...don't want to contemplate having decided to lock me in my own mind until I figure things out."

Because, really, what sort of way was that for the Lord Almighty to deal with someone's troubles?

"And I had hoped that you would at least consider it," He said, a vague smile tugging at the sides of his mouth. "But I suppose we'll have to find a way if you're going to be stubborn about it since I am not having you locked up here on my account."

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goallbuffyonus
2010-07-01 02:41 pm UTC (link)

Claire listened as he talked about whoever was responsible for all of this. The more he talked, the more her brow furrowed, until there was nothing but deep lines across her forehead. Slowly she raised her gaze up to him. "Well," she said slowly, "if it was God, He changed forms. He did look female, before the Lucifer stuff." Biting absently on her lip, she added, "Technically, some of the angels could do this. I don't know about Castiel but I'm pretty sure Aziraphale could manage it if he wanted. Gabriel definitely could..." Trailing off, she thought for a minute longer before shrugging. Whoever was responsible wasn't going to show up and release them so, really, it was pointless. She'd figure out who to blame later. For now, she needed to focus on Gabriel.

Snorting softly, she gave him a small smile. "I'm not being stubborn," she explained. "You're my friend and you need help. I wouldn't be a very good person if I ignored that over something as small as you trying to murder me. Again." Her tone was light. Teasing. Not wanting him to dwell on the truth of her joke, she added, "Besides, if God is responsible, he's not going to let me out just because you're being difficult. He picked me for some reason, so here I am."

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inaworldsocold
2010-07-03 10:50 pm UTC (link)

"Well, this was definitely a guy, a really bad tempered, sarcastic guy," Gabriel said, frowning to himself. And yet, even in all of that, he seemed to have a certain hope that Gabriel had lost himself, a certainty that things would all work out just fine in the end. And that wasn't something that one usually expected from people who gave the impression of a cynic. "Who apparently thought the best solution to my problems was locking me in my own head," He said, glancing over at Claire with a quirk of a smile.

"I really wish I could have the faith in me that you seem to," He said, a quiet wistfulness in his tone. "I can't say I've ever been that confident that I'll do the right thing." Not even before... He'd always had his mother pushing him, and while he'd wanted to please her, he'd never had the ability to do so. That was probably why he'd latched onto these abilities so hard. They had made him more than what he had been, given him the strength to carry on. They had made him him...and then they'd taken everything away that he'd wanted, everything that he'd tried to hold onto, and now, they were doing it again.

"Whom am I, Claire?" Gabriel asked quietly. "I don't think I even know anymore."

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goallbuffyonus
2010-07-04 03:21 am UTC (link)

Claire didn't know how to answer his question. She could say what she thought who he was. She could say what she thought others thought. However that wasn't going to help Gabriel in the slightest. No, he needed to figure out who he was. He needed to come to terms with his issues and embrace the person he was - flaws and all - if he was going to ever forgive himself. She wasn't sure why she was so certain about that fact but she was, and she wasn't about to second guess that certainty.

"I can't answer that," she finally said, unsure of what else to say. She offered him an apologetic look, her tone light. "From where I'm sitting, you're..." She shrugged. "You're one of my closest friends. You're a good man with a woman who loves you and two kids who adore you, and a whole mess of people who care about you. You're..." She shrugged again. "You're Gabriel."

Tucking some hair behind her ear, she sighed softly. Her gaze fell to her lap and her brow furrowed a bit. "But that isn't how you see yourself," she acknowledged as she looked back up at him. "And it's your opinion that matters here. Not mine. I can sit here all day and point out what I consider both good points and bad points about you, but it all comes down to what you think and feel."

Claire fell silent and studied him for a moment before asking in a soft voice, "There are some things that others just can't decide for you, Gabriel. Just like I had to figure out that not feeling pain didn't make me any less human, you have to figure this out. I can help but... I can only do so much."

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inaworldsocold
2010-07-04 04:25 am UTC (link)

"That's the problem, Claire," Gabriel said as he looked over at her. She looked so sincere about all of them, and he couldn't help but feel a spark of guilt at putting her through what he had. "I don't know how I see myself."

Even just his name had been something that he'd thought he didn't deserve for the longest time. Reclaiming it like he had hadn't been a simple task, and after that last bout with his abilities, there was part of him that felt as though he didn't deserve it again. But he quashed that feeling quickly, shaking his head with a sigh.

"I just want to do what's right," Gabriel said. "By Elle, by Maddie, Noah, Peter, you... Myself. I just need to figure out how."

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goallbuffyonus
2010-07-04 10:43 pm UTC (link)

The look on Claire's face was a thoughtful one as she considered what he'd said. She knew there wasn't an easy fix for what he was going through. She was even starting to understand that they were probably going to be there for a while. She didn't like it, she was still pissed off about it, but it wasn't his fault. And even though it wasn't fair in the slightest, if God really thought she could help somehow, that's what she was going to do. Not to get out of this little prison he'd tossed her in, though. She was going to help because Gabriel was her friend and he clearly needed it.

She just had to figure out how.

Idly, she wondered what her dad would say in this situation. Or her mom. Hell, what anyone would say to this. She came up short however, and finally decided to take another route. She was going to college to be a social worker. That involved learning how to talk people through problems. Granted she wasn't very far into those classes yet, but at least it was something. If nothing else it was better than just sitting there silently and at a loss.

"What do you mean, do what's right?" The question was asked in a tone laced with curiosity, her voice soft-spoken and her expression carefully neutral. Whatever his answer was, she'd work with it and just hope like hell that inspiration would strike along the way.

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