InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "hagane no chibi-san!"

Stephen Hart (ikickdinosaurs) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2010-04-23 19:54:00

Entry tags:

!closed, #complete, nick cutter, stephen hart

WHO: Cutter and Stephen
WHAT: Boozing it up. Sort of. Not really.
WHEN: April 21st, after this, afternoon/evening.
WHERE: Stephen's flat, then Cutter's flat.
RATING: PG-13
STATUS: Complete

Stephen hadn't spent all that much on food when he'd went shopping the first time. Truth was, he had very little appetite these days for anything that wasn't coffee, especially not for anything involving meat of any kind, so he'd just bought himself some fruit, some bread and enough coffee that he didn't need to drink any more of Cutter's. He'd found a cheap clothes shop as well, and picked up a few essentials as well as his new favourite thing. It was a huge baggy hooded jumper, far too big even for him, with sleeves that covered his hands and the many scars on his arms. He wore it almost constantly.

Even though he'd tried his best to buy cheap things, he'd still ended up spending about sixty dollars, which meant that he thought he only had forty or so to spend on alcohol when he told Cutter he needed to get very drunk. If he'd been back home and working in pounds, he knew forty quid would have been more than enough for a bottle of whisky and about twenty-four cans of beer, but this place was American and therefore he had no idea how much he'd get for his dollars. Still, he needed to find out at some point, didn't he? He made his arrangements to meet with The Other Claire, as he'd come to think of the girl, told Cutter and Claire his plans and then left the flats for the second time since he'd arrived. He really was going to need to explore, he realised, but only once he was sure he'd be able to find his way back to the flats.

Eventually, he made his way back home, alcohol all duly purchased along with the few things Claire was looking for. His bank account had far more money in it than he was expecting, but given that this place was weird to begin with, he just put it down to One Of Those Things, and got a good bottle of whisky for Cutter and what looked to be some fairly decent beer for himself. He went back home and put some of the beers in the fridge for Claire. He put her stuff away as well and took her one of the beers while he told her where he was going. Ducking back into the kitchen after that, he grabbed the bags of alcohol and went back down the corridor to Cutter's place. Knocking on the door, he stepped back and wrapped an arm round himself as he waited.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-04-25 01:29 am UTC (link)

Oh shit, had he really just flinched when Cutter reached out and put his hand on his shoulder? He had, hadn't he. He closed his eyes and nodded as Cutter tried to reassure him but didn't say anything in reply, busying himself with taking the beer out of the bags and forcing his hands not to shake. The mental kicking he was giving himself took up some time as well. It was the weirdest thing. If he was around anyone else, he forced himself to try and be normal. Once he was around Cutter he relaxed and sometimes, if he was lucky, everything was okay. Other times, like now, Cutter got to see what a mess Stephen actually was.

The worst time, which he hadn't told Cutter about and it had been before Claire had arrived so she didn't know either, he'd woke himself up from a nightmare and ended up turning on every light in the flat before wedging himself in a corner so that nothing could have sneaked up behind him. He'd been there for three hours before he dozed off again. This time, he was able to calm himself down a bit. Enough to answer Cutter's question, at least. "I like Claire, she's nice. Quiet."

He ran his hands through his hair once all the beer was sitting on the counter, then glanced over when Cutter started talking again, stopping short of making eye contact. "She liked my accent, that's all. It hardly means she's interested in me, and besides, I look like shit and you know that's true." It was true, actually. He barely slept, had to remind himself to eat most days and wore awful baggy clothes that still didn't cover all of his scars. If people stared at him, it really wasn't going to be because they thought he was attractive in some way.

He did look up at the next thing Cutter said, though. Obviously, he had to go on and qualify the statement in some way, but for one brief but lovely moment, Stephen felt like smiling properly in response.

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specialised
2010-04-27 03:13 pm UTC (link)

Stephen had flinched, and it caused Nick to take a quick step back. He understood, of course, that it had nothing to do with him and that Stephen was still overcoming his issues with his death, and he wanted to be supportive and understanding. But knowing that didn't stop the brief stab of pain. He apologised and turned to fix a glass of whisky, not wanting Stephen to see the hurt on his face. The younger man had enough to deal with without feeling guilty over something he couldn't control.

Christ but they really were a pair, weren't they? Stephen was plagued by nightmares and panic, and the only reason he wasn't similarly afflicted was that he had mostly forgone sleep. He stayed up until he was too tired to dream, which wasn't really any healthier than giving into the nightmares. "That's good," he said, shaking off the thoughts and giving Stephen a small smile. "I'm glad you're getting along. You know you're still welcome here, right?"

"Well," Nick said, taking a sip of whisky, "we both look like shite, if we're being honest. And it says something that you looking like shite is more attractive than me on a good day." He looked about as bad as Stephen, and he didn't have the other man's youth to make up for it. He still hadn't cut his hair, and he hadn't eaten or slept properly since Stephen's death, and it showed.

When Stephen looked at him, just for a moment it seemed like there was something in his eyes that...but Nick brushed the thought aside almost immediately. He was just tired and seeing what he wanted. He drained his glass and poured another, opening one of the beers and passing it to Stephen. "I know I've said so already, but I'm glad you're here, Stephen."

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-04-27 11:05 pm UTC (link)

He nodded when Cutter reminded him he was still welcome, although he did feel bad about leaving Claire on her own so often. And he looked more than a bit disbelieving of Cutter's claim to being unattractive, but said nothing about how he liked the longer hair an awful lot and cleverly managed to keep his hands busy so that he wasn't tempted to reach over and push Cutter's hair away from his face.

He accepted the beer with a murmured "thanks," and then listened to Cutter before taking a drink. It wasn't bad, actually. He'd had better, but he'd had a lot worse as well. Not bad for a random purchase. "I'm pretty certain I'm glad to be here as well. It's better than the alternative, at least. I just need to remind myself of that fact every so often, that's all," he replied after a few moments, and it was true. He reminded himself that being alive was infinitely preferable to being gone at least once every two hours or so. More if he was having a bad spell.

He took another drink of beer, then put the bottle down on the counter. He'd had an apple for breakfast... hadn't he? Or maybe that was yesterday. Either way, he was going to have to pace himself. He wanted to get drunk, he didn't need alcohol poisoning within half an hour of starting drinking. He glanced up at Cutter after that, then quickly took off his hooded jumper before he could change his mind. Folding his arms in front of him was an automatic reaction, and it was a minute or so before he could relax enough to unfold his arms, but he managed it.

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specialised
2010-05-03 01:17 am UTC (link)

From what he had seen of Stephen's flatmate, Nick would have pointed out that Claire seemed fine on her own. In fact, she almost seemed to prefer it that way. He wondered what had happened to her, and he had a feeling it had something to do with the scars on the young woman's face, but he wasn't quite so tactless as to ask, especially considering he had only met her once or twice and barely knew her. Whatever had happened was her business, not his. He was hardly going to start spouting off details of his death to her over tea.

He nodded his head at the thanks, not saying anything, and just listening to Stephen speak. "I know what you mean," he said. "It should be obvious...being alive is preferable to being dead, but I still have to remind myself. And I'm not sure I quite believed it before you arrived." It was a dangerous admission on more than one level. There was still that part of him that had wanted to die when Helen pointed her gun at him, and that didn't just fade because Stephen was back. It had been worse before, when it was just him and Jenny, and he'd had to remind himself more than once that there was a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Stephen hadn't fixed that, just pushed it to the back of his mind where he could ignore it and pretend he was fine. And then there was the fact that he was coming dangerously close to admitting things that he'd never allowed himself to acknowledge with the words, to letting Stephen know how much he meant to him. And the thought of that scared him because it gave Stephen all the power...or, perhaps more accurately, made him aware of the power he already had over Nick.

He wasn't sure when he'd last bothered to eat, except that he was sure it had been at some point during the day. Stephen had always looked after him and made sure he took care of himself, and Jenny after Stephen was gone. But he couldn't bring himself to rely on Stephen for anything without feeling selfish, and he was still mostly avoiding Jenny when he could help it. He was distracted from his thoughts on when he'd last eaten by the sight of Stephen pulling off his jumper and revealing the scars on his arms and neck. "They're nothing to be ashamed of," he said again, hands itching as always to touch the damaged skin. Instead, he rested his hand on Stephen's shoulder, the cotton soft beneath his palm. "They just show how brave you are...how much you've come through." Everyone had scars, Stephen's were just more noticeable. Nick kept his own on the inside, and he wasn't sure if that was better or worse. Maybe it was neither.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-03 05:31 pm UTC (link)

Anything he'd been going to say vanished from his mind the instant Cutter put his hand on his shoulder. And then he said he thought Stephen was brave? He couldn't help the almost-laugh that escaped, but he stopped it very quickly. "I'm not, I'm not brave," he murmured as he shook his head.

"When Helen said... when she, she told me... when she lied, I couldn't, I just... I went numb. And then I got to Leek's place and I saw you, and..." he broke off after that and wiped at his face with his hand, then ducked his head again before continuing. "I don't even know how long I thought you were... gone, but... Jesus, Nick... And then you were going to walk into that room, and I just knew I couldn't... not again, not twice. So please, don't tell me I'm brave."

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specialised
2010-05-03 08:38 pm UTC (link)

"You are," Nick said gently. "You're braver than you give yourself credit for, Stephen." He had always admired his friend, even when he'd insisted that he'd hated him, because Stephen was so strong, so brave and so sure of himself in ways that Nick had never been. Yes, he was confident, in his work and in his field of study, but Stephen went through life with a certainty that Nick had always lacked.

One thing was certain. If Helen ever showed up, Nick was putting a bullet through her skull. Or possibly strangling her until the life went out of her. Nick wasn't a violent man, but there was a part of him that wanted to feel her life leave her under his hands. It scared him a little, but mostly he didn't care. It was no more or less than she deserved. "I can't imagine how that must have..." Nick trailed off. "No...I can, actually. Because you were dead. It wasn't a lie and I didn't see you again. I watched what they did and..." He closed his eyes. "And even though you're back, I still see it. It was months of that, and it never got better." Until he was so relieved to have it finally end. "If you had come back...I don't think I could have let you do it again. Or anything. I think if it had come down to it, losing you a second time...I couldn't have done it."

He gave a bitter little chuckle that was completely devoid of any humour, his hand sliding up from Stephen's shoulder to where the scars stood out against his neck. "I would never have let you rejoin the project, if somehow we make it back and we're both alive...I still won't, because I don't think I could have put you in danger again. And it's selfish, but I don't care. Part of me died with you, and I'm not sure I'll ever get it back." His hand dropped to his side and he turned away, pouring another glass of whisky and drinking it at once, not even acknowledging the burn. It was as if he was drinking water. He felt ashamed that he had let Stephen see that much. The younger man didn't need to see the cracks in his psyche, when he had so much to deal with on his own. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, fighting desperately to reclaim his composure. "You don't need me pushing this on you. I'm fine. I'll be fine."

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-04 12:37 am UTC (link)

He shook his head yet again as Cutter tried to reassure him. Maybe he'd been brave in his first life, but not here. Not in this place where shadows set him to jumping, sleeping through the night was nothing but a vague memory by now and he couldn't cope with anything being behind him. Everything was currently a struggle, and he felt like he was as far from brave as it was possible to be.

He listened to Cutter's voice as he continued to talk, although he was concentrating more on the feel of the other man's hand on his shoulder than on the words he was saying. He was almost feeling proud of the fact that he hadn't flinched this time, and definitely feeling annoyed that he'd had to be proud of such a pathetic thing, and then Cutter moved his hand and his thoughts scattered once more. Nick's hand was warm against his neck, and he couldn't help but lean into the touch.

He almost whimpered when Cutter took his hand away but managed to stay quiet. He didn't even consider moving until the apologies started, but he ended up standing in front of him before Cutter even managed to start talking about being fine. "Nick, I... you don't need to apologise." He reached for Cutter's hand as he spoke, but hesitated just before he actually touched him.

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specialised
2010-05-04 06:05 pm UTC (link)

Nick sighed, frustrated. "Stephen," he insisted, "you went through something horrific. The fact that it affects you now doesn't diminish it, or you. It's natural and it's human and you can't keep beating yourself up because you're not some robot that can shut off its emotional responses. That isn't how we're meant to be, and you know it." Sometimes he just wished Stephen would stop being so hard on himself. He had often thought that Stephen would better overcome what had happened if he would just accept that he was allowed to be affected by this and that he didn't have to recover all at once.

Of course, he wasn't very good at following his own advice. For his part, he preferred to go the opposite way of Stephen. Rather than dwelling on his issues, and reacting negatively when they didn't sort themselves out, he ignored them and pretended they didn't exist at all. Usually that worked pretty well, but sometimes, like now, it all just spilled over. And those were the moment he hated. Not because they showed his weakness, but because they laid another burden on Stephen that he didn't think the younger man should have to bear. He'd made enough mistakes and had enough guilt with Stephen's death, without adding to them.

His emotions right then were a bit of a mess, and Stephen's words and the way he wouldn't fucking touch him just set something off and he didn't even think before he reacted. "Don't tell me what I need, Stephen," he said, his voice quiet but rough as he stepped forward suddenly, pressing Stephen back against the counter. "You have no idea what I-" He didn't finish the sentence, just brought a hand up to the back of Stephen's neck and pulled him down into a hard, needy kiss.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-04 06:07 pm UTC (link)

He froze for a moment; the counter-top was digging painfully into his lower back, Cutter had practically snarled at him and then they were kissing and his brain struggled to keep up. Once all the appropriate reactions had clicked into place - "Ow, that's sore", "Fuck, Nick's accent..." and "oh fucking hell what" - he realised that he probably should react.

Leaning forward into the kiss and giving back as good as he was getting, he soon had one hand fisted in Nick's hair while his other arm looped round Cutter's waist. This was not happening, this couldn't be happening, there was no way Nick had actually kissed him, not like this, but if his mind had actually just snapped, he was determined to enjoy himself at least once in this place. He moaned softly into Cutter's mouth as he tightened his grip round the older man's waist and tried to deepen the kiss.

If this was what insanity was like, he should have let go ages ago.

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specialised
2010-05-04 06:17 pm UTC (link)

For once, Nick wasn't thinking. He always thought things through,over-thought them usually, but right now he didn't have that problem. And perhaps he should have been thinking, about the problems and the repercussions of this, but he wasn't. Yes, he was dimly aware of everything around them, but it was distant and muted and the only thing that really registered was the slant of Stephen's mouth under his. And if that was wrong, he didn't much care. For the first time since he'd arrived, he felt felt the chaos in his head dissipate, and he didn't want that to end.

There was a moment, when he was kissing Stephen but the younger man wasn't responding, when he acknowledged the wrongness of this and started to pull away. But then Stephen was kissing back and it was too good, and he was utterly lost. This was what he had wanted, maybe even needed, for years, and actually having it was overwhelming. His hands moved down, pushing under Stephen's shirt and exploring his back. There were scars there, ones he hadn't yet seen, and he had a sudden desire to map out all of them with his hands and his tongue until he had every bit of Stephen's skin memorised. But then he remembered how the scars came about, how Stephen had died, and it jolted something inside him. What the fuck was he doing? Stephen had died and he clearly wasn't handling it, and now he was taking advantage. What sort of bastard was he?

He jerked away, breathing harshly, his eyes wide and a little panicked. "I'm sorry," he said in a rush. "Oh god, Stephen, I'm...what you must think of me...I am so sorry. I shouldn't have...I...damn it!" He didn't leave the room, but he wouldn't quite look at Stephen.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-04 07:37 pm UTC (link)

Just as he was actually starting to relax (despite the pain in his back), Cutter's attack of conscience hit and he pulled back far too abruptly. Stephen stared at him in disbelief, and not a little anger. This was not fair, and he knew damn well just how childish that sounded, but he didn't care. For once, everything had made sense and he hadn't been jumping at things that weren't there or trying not to panic about something. There was Cutter and him and nothing else mattered; everything he'd wanted or needed was right there, and then Cutter had pulled away, out of grabbing distance.

He took a step towards the other man. "What must I think of you? That's a good question, Cutter. Maybe you should have asked it before, I don't know, jumping me?" He'd apparently kept moving as he spoke because all of a sudden, he had Cutter pushed up against the kitchen wall behind him, both hands braced against the wall on either side of Nick's head. "Look at me, damn it!"

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specialised
2010-05-07 07:12 am UTC (link)

Nick backed up as Stephen stepped forward, panic filling him. He'd just fucked everything up and now Stephen would never forgive him. He kept moving back as Stephen came toward him, the impulse to fight and to flee warring inside him, until his back hit the wall. And Stephen was right there, so close...too close really, and it was suddenly harder to breathe again in a wholly different way. Losing Stephen once had been unbearable, and the idea of losing him a second time through his own stupidity terrified him. He didn't think he could handle it if it came to that.

He could hear the anger in the younger man's voice, and he flinched. While he wasn't as bad as Stephen, his nerves were a bit shot after everything that had happened and he couldn't always control his reactions. He didn't want to look at Stephen, too afraid of the recrimination he might see there, but he finally raised his eyes to meet his. His heart was racing and he felt a bit lightheaded, though that could have been from the alcohol or not eating, and he desperately wanted to leave. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have done that to you. Please Stephen..." He wasn't even sure what he was asking at that point.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-07 02:20 pm UTC (link)

"Fucking right, you shouldn't have," he snapped before moving one of his hands from the wall to grab Cutter's shoulder, his fingers possibly digging in a touch too much. Still, the older man wasn't going anywhere soon, which was the main thing. Glaring at Cutter for a second, he ignored the obvious signs of panic and began talking quietly.

"Ever since I arrived here, I've been... struggling. I can't stay inside because I'm trapped and if I go outside, anything could sneak up on me, and... I just, I'm sick and tired of everything being so... overwhelming. I can't work things out, I can't get things sorted in my head, I shouldn't be here because I bloody well died," he said, somehow managing to keep his voice calm and quiet despite all the feelings roiling round inside of him. He even managed to relax his hold on Cutter's shoulder and moved his hand up to rest against the other man's neck, mimicking their position from earlier.

"Nothing makes sense any more! Nothing, except for what just happened, which made perfect sense, and now you're trying to apologise for it? Only, I don't want fucking apologies, Cutter. I want what happened, I need things to make sense again. I need you." And, since turnabout was fair play, he moved his hand round to the back of Cutter's neck and pulled him forward as he tilted his head down to kiss him once more.

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specialised
2010-05-08 02:06 am UTC (link)

He didn't know what to think any more. He didn't know if Stephen was punishing him for kissing him or for stopping, and his grip was painful and Nick really couldn't breathe. He needed to get out of there. But he shoved the panic down because he couldn't afford to lose control like that with Stephen. He had to look out for him and panicking wouldn't do any good. So he forced himself to breathe and boxed up his reactions, the way he always did, even though Stephen was too close and too much and he couldn't bear it.

This was a bad idea. It was a terrible idea and they shouldn't do this. He wasn't in anything close to the right state of mind for this, and neither was Stephen, and he knew it. He couldn't be what Stephen wanted him to be, and he knew that trying would end in disaster. But Stephen needed him, needed this, and he could never say no to him. "I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry, Stephen." Part of him wanted to shout that he had died too, damn it, and just because it wasn't bloody and horrible like Stephen's had been didn't mean it didn't affect him. He wanted to, but he didn't. Because he couldn't bring himself to say anything that would hurt Stephen.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm here Stephen...I'm here for you. I need you." And it wasn't a lie, not really, because he needed Stephen and he wanted him. Just not like this. He let himself be dragged into the kiss, giving in easily to the sensation of Stephen's lips against his. Maybe this was the worst choice they could make, and maybe they would both regret it, but in the meantime they could have this and maybe it would be enough.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-08 05:32 pm UTC (link)

Normally, he'd have picked up on something being wrong. Normally, he'd have paid attention to Cutter's panic, the slightly irregular breathing or how he was speaking, perhaps, and done something to stop it or distract him, anything to calm him down. Then again, normally, this sort of situation didn't happen, no matter how much Stephen had thought about something like it over the last eight years.

But this wasn't normal and his head was full of scattered thoughts and half-formed ideas, like his mind had been shredded just as much as his body had been, so nothing much registered other than the fact that they were kissing and it felt good. The hand at Cutter's neck had moved back up into his hair whilst Stephen's other hand was now pressed against his lower back, his thumb drawing lazy circles against Cutter's top as the kiss went on and he began to relax again.

Finally, he pulled back to catch his breath. Resting his forehead against Cutter's, he closed his eyes and brought his hand round from combing through the other man's hair to gently cup his cheek. "You should have asked, Nick. You only ever had to ask," he said softly, then kissed him gently once more before going to get his beer.

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