InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "You're weak"

Stephen Hart (ikickdinosaurs) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2010-04-23 19:54:00

Entry tags:

!closed, #complete, nick cutter, stephen hart

WHO: Cutter and Stephen
WHAT: Boozing it up. Sort of. Not really.
WHEN: April 21st, after this, afternoon/evening.
WHERE: Stephen's flat, then Cutter's flat.
RATING: PG-13
STATUS: Complete

Stephen hadn't spent all that much on food when he'd went shopping the first time. Truth was, he had very little appetite these days for anything that wasn't coffee, especially not for anything involving meat of any kind, so he'd just bought himself some fruit, some bread and enough coffee that he didn't need to drink any more of Cutter's. He'd found a cheap clothes shop as well, and picked up a few essentials as well as his new favourite thing. It was a huge baggy hooded jumper, far too big even for him, with sleeves that covered his hands and the many scars on his arms. He wore it almost constantly.

Even though he'd tried his best to buy cheap things, he'd still ended up spending about sixty dollars, which meant that he thought he only had forty or so to spend on alcohol when he told Cutter he needed to get very drunk. If he'd been back home and working in pounds, he knew forty quid would have been more than enough for a bottle of whisky and about twenty-four cans of beer, but this place was American and therefore he had no idea how much he'd get for his dollars. Still, he needed to find out at some point, didn't he? He made his arrangements to meet with The Other Claire, as he'd come to think of the girl, told Cutter and Claire his plans and then left the flats for the second time since he'd arrived. He really was going to need to explore, he realised, but only once he was sure he'd be able to find his way back to the flats.

Eventually, he made his way back home, alcohol all duly purchased along with the few things Claire was looking for. His bank account had far more money in it than he was expecting, but given that this place was weird to begin with, he just put it down to One Of Those Things, and got a good bottle of whisky for Cutter and what looked to be some fairly decent beer for himself. He went back home and put some of the beers in the fridge for Claire. He put her stuff away as well and took her one of the beers while he told her where he was going. Ducking back into the kitchen after that, he grabbed the bags of alcohol and went back down the corridor to Cutter's place. Knocking on the door, he stepped back and wrapped an arm round himself as he waited.

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specialised
2010-05-04 06:05 pm UTC (link)

Nick sighed, frustrated. "Stephen," he insisted, "you went through something horrific. The fact that it affects you now doesn't diminish it, or you. It's natural and it's human and you can't keep beating yourself up because you're not some robot that can shut off its emotional responses. That isn't how we're meant to be, and you know it." Sometimes he just wished Stephen would stop being so hard on himself. He had often thought that Stephen would better overcome what had happened if he would just accept that he was allowed to be affected by this and that he didn't have to recover all at once.

Of course, he wasn't very good at following his own advice. For his part, he preferred to go the opposite way of Stephen. Rather than dwelling on his issues, and reacting negatively when they didn't sort themselves out, he ignored them and pretended they didn't exist at all. Usually that worked pretty well, but sometimes, like now, it all just spilled over. And those were the moment he hated. Not because they showed his weakness, but because they laid another burden on Stephen that he didn't think the younger man should have to bear. He'd made enough mistakes and had enough guilt with Stephen's death, without adding to them.

His emotions right then were a bit of a mess, and Stephen's words and the way he wouldn't fucking touch him just set something off and he didn't even think before he reacted. "Don't tell me what I need, Stephen," he said, his voice quiet but rough as he stepped forward suddenly, pressing Stephen back against the counter. "You have no idea what I-" He didn't finish the sentence, just brought a hand up to the back of Stephen's neck and pulled him down into a hard, needy kiss.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-04 06:07 pm UTC (link)

He froze for a moment; the counter-top was digging painfully into his lower back, Cutter had practically snarled at him and then they were kissing and his brain struggled to keep up. Once all the appropriate reactions had clicked into place - "Ow, that's sore", "Fuck, Nick's accent..." and "oh fucking hell what" - he realised that he probably should react.

Leaning forward into the kiss and giving back as good as he was getting, he soon had one hand fisted in Nick's hair while his other arm looped round Cutter's waist. This was not happening, this couldn't be happening, there was no way Nick had actually kissed him, not like this, but if his mind had actually just snapped, he was determined to enjoy himself at least once in this place. He moaned softly into Cutter's mouth as he tightened his grip round the older man's waist and tried to deepen the kiss.

If this was what insanity was like, he should have let go ages ago.

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specialised
2010-05-04 06:17 pm UTC (link)

For once, Nick wasn't thinking. He always thought things through,over-thought them usually, but right now he didn't have that problem. And perhaps he should have been thinking, about the problems and the repercussions of this, but he wasn't. Yes, he was dimly aware of everything around them, but it was distant and muted and the only thing that really registered was the slant of Stephen's mouth under his. And if that was wrong, he didn't much care. For the first time since he'd arrived, he felt felt the chaos in his head dissipate, and he didn't want that to end.

There was a moment, when he was kissing Stephen but the younger man wasn't responding, when he acknowledged the wrongness of this and started to pull away. But then Stephen was kissing back and it was too good, and he was utterly lost. This was what he had wanted, maybe even needed, for years, and actually having it was overwhelming. His hands moved down, pushing under Stephen's shirt and exploring his back. There were scars there, ones he hadn't yet seen, and he had a sudden desire to map out all of them with his hands and his tongue until he had every bit of Stephen's skin memorised. But then he remembered how the scars came about, how Stephen had died, and it jolted something inside him. What the fuck was he doing? Stephen had died and he clearly wasn't handling it, and now he was taking advantage. What sort of bastard was he?

He jerked away, breathing harshly, his eyes wide and a little panicked. "I'm sorry," he said in a rush. "Oh god, Stephen, I'm...what you must think of me...I am so sorry. I shouldn't have...I...damn it!" He didn't leave the room, but he wouldn't quite look at Stephen.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-04 07:37 pm UTC (link)

Just as he was actually starting to relax (despite the pain in his back), Cutter's attack of conscience hit and he pulled back far too abruptly. Stephen stared at him in disbelief, and not a little anger. This was not fair, and he knew damn well just how childish that sounded, but he didn't care. For once, everything had made sense and he hadn't been jumping at things that weren't there or trying not to panic about something. There was Cutter and him and nothing else mattered; everything he'd wanted or needed was right there, and then Cutter had pulled away, out of grabbing distance.

He took a step towards the other man. "What must I think of you? That's a good question, Cutter. Maybe you should have asked it before, I don't know, jumping me?" He'd apparently kept moving as he spoke because all of a sudden, he had Cutter pushed up against the kitchen wall behind him, both hands braced against the wall on either side of Nick's head. "Look at me, damn it!"

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specialised
2010-05-07 07:12 am UTC (link)

Nick backed up as Stephen stepped forward, panic filling him. He'd just fucked everything up and now Stephen would never forgive him. He kept moving back as Stephen came toward him, the impulse to fight and to flee warring inside him, until his back hit the wall. And Stephen was right there, so close...too close really, and it was suddenly harder to breathe again in a wholly different way. Losing Stephen once had been unbearable, and the idea of losing him a second time through his own stupidity terrified him. He didn't think he could handle it if it came to that.

He could hear the anger in the younger man's voice, and he flinched. While he wasn't as bad as Stephen, his nerves were a bit shot after everything that had happened and he couldn't always control his reactions. He didn't want to look at Stephen, too afraid of the recrimination he might see there, but he finally raised his eyes to meet his. His heart was racing and he felt a bit lightheaded, though that could have been from the alcohol or not eating, and he desperately wanted to leave. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have done that to you. Please Stephen..." He wasn't even sure what he was asking at that point.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-07 02:20 pm UTC (link)

"Fucking right, you shouldn't have," he snapped before moving one of his hands from the wall to grab Cutter's shoulder, his fingers possibly digging in a touch too much. Still, the older man wasn't going anywhere soon, which was the main thing. Glaring at Cutter for a second, he ignored the obvious signs of panic and began talking quietly.

"Ever since I arrived here, I've been... struggling. I can't stay inside because I'm trapped and if I go outside, anything could sneak up on me, and... I just, I'm sick and tired of everything being so... overwhelming. I can't work things out, I can't get things sorted in my head, I shouldn't be here because I bloody well died," he said, somehow managing to keep his voice calm and quiet despite all the feelings roiling round inside of him. He even managed to relax his hold on Cutter's shoulder and moved his hand up to rest against the other man's neck, mimicking their position from earlier.

"Nothing makes sense any more! Nothing, except for what just happened, which made perfect sense, and now you're trying to apologise for it? Only, I don't want fucking apologies, Cutter. I want what happened, I need things to make sense again. I need you." And, since turnabout was fair play, he moved his hand round to the back of Cutter's neck and pulled him forward as he tilted his head down to kiss him once more.

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specialised
2010-05-08 02:06 am UTC (link)

He didn't know what to think any more. He didn't know if Stephen was punishing him for kissing him or for stopping, and his grip was painful and Nick really couldn't breathe. He needed to get out of there. But he shoved the panic down because he couldn't afford to lose control like that with Stephen. He had to look out for him and panicking wouldn't do any good. So he forced himself to breathe and boxed up his reactions, the way he always did, even though Stephen was too close and too much and he couldn't bear it.

This was a bad idea. It was a terrible idea and they shouldn't do this. He wasn't in anything close to the right state of mind for this, and neither was Stephen, and he knew it. He couldn't be what Stephen wanted him to be, and he knew that trying would end in disaster. But Stephen needed him, needed this, and he could never say no to him. "I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry, Stephen." Part of him wanted to shout that he had died too, damn it, and just because it wasn't bloody and horrible like Stephen's had been didn't mean it didn't affect him. He wanted to, but he didn't. Because he couldn't bring himself to say anything that would hurt Stephen.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm here Stephen...I'm here for you. I need you." And it wasn't a lie, not really, because he needed Stephen and he wanted him. Just not like this. He let himself be dragged into the kiss, giving in easily to the sensation of Stephen's lips against his. Maybe this was the worst choice they could make, and maybe they would both regret it, but in the meantime they could have this and maybe it would be enough.

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ikickdinosaurs
2010-05-08 05:32 pm UTC (link)

Normally, he'd have picked up on something being wrong. Normally, he'd have paid attention to Cutter's panic, the slightly irregular breathing or how he was speaking, perhaps, and done something to stop it or distract him, anything to calm him down. Then again, normally, this sort of situation didn't happen, no matter how much Stephen had thought about something like it over the last eight years.

But this wasn't normal and his head was full of scattered thoughts and half-formed ideas, like his mind had been shredded just as much as his body had been, so nothing much registered other than the fact that they were kissing and it felt good. The hand at Cutter's neck had moved back up into his hair whilst Stephen's other hand was now pressed against his lower back, his thumb drawing lazy circles against Cutter's top as the kiss went on and he began to relax again.

Finally, he pulled back to catch his breath. Resting his forehead against Cutter's, he closed his eyes and brought his hand round from combing through the other man's hair to gently cup his cheek. "You should have asked, Nick. You only ever had to ask," he said softly, then kissed him gently once more before going to get his beer.

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