InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "got it memorized?"

[tail thumping intensifies] (minarchist) wrote in codexnet,
@ 2017-02-20 12:09:00

Entry tags:

godric tagaris, lev tagaris, sorin ghrian, souvelani alerion

immediately following this.
[LEV & SORIN.]
Sorin tell me you've been sleeping at another inn or at the shop and not in a gutter

You KNOW you can stay with us don't you?

~~Please be~~
If

[SOUVELANI.]
~~I met~~
~~Is she~~

If I ask you about that girl, will you be honest with me if I tell you I won't pursue anything?

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Boys filter

minarchist
2017-02-20 08:58 pm UTC (link)

First of all, stop right there. You're not weak. You're not pathetic. Don't ever call yourself that, because neither of us are calling you that.

Second, it might not be a good reason, but it's a reason. But you can't let it hold you back. You have to [..................................] look it in the eye sometimes and tell it it can't rule you. If you run away from it, all it'll do is give chase. And you can't fucking live like that, Sorin. Don't live like that. Sometimes, you have to do things that terrify you, things you don't know will work out, but you have to do them anyway. You HAVE to.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-20 09:17 pm UTC (link)
	[.......] Okay. I'll try to do better. I'm just feeling so [......] lost lately, and I don't know what I'm doing with [...............] anything. I'm sorry. And I love you. Both of you. And I don't want to be alone. Even when I feel like I need to be because I feel like I'm too much of a burden, I don't want to be. I've never wanted to be. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter, SORRY GUYS liberare 2017-02-20 09:38 pm UTC (link)
	sounds like you two have figured it out. i need some air so i'll see you later. [ godric ] i'll probably crash with souvelani tonight, if i end up someplace else i'll let you know where. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	bros minarchist 2017-02-20 09:50 pm UTC (link)
	I know. See you tomorrow? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	bros liberare 2017-02-20 09:52 pm UTC (link)
	probably yeah. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-20 10:01 pm UTC (link)
	~~No, we don't, or at least I don't have a damn thing figured out~~ [.........................] I'm sorry. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter liberare 2017-02-20 10:05 pm UTC (link)
	i know. but unlike you i need to be alone right now, we'll talk later. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-20 10:08 pm UTC (link)
	Okay. [...] Just let me know when you're ready to see me again. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-20 10:07 pm UTC (link)
	If you're sorry, start trusting us a little more, Sorin. We've trusted you with more than we ever have with anyone. Give us some credit. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Boys filter

sunnyelf
2017-02-20 10:13 pm UTC (link)

I've trusted you with a lot, too. More than I've ever trusted anyone else, even Nikolas. It's not like I've been withholding everything about me to you. Please don't think I have no trust in you. I trust you more than anyone else, ever. I was just [........] ashamed. Of this decision, of needing you too much, of being too dependent on you and not being able to stand on my own two feet when I know you expect so much more from me.

[.................] I'm just not used to any of this and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Boys filter, ummm wow sorry for this length #feelings (now typo free)

minarchist
2017-02-20 11:20 pm UTC (link)

It's not about how much is withheld, it's about trusting us not to judge you or think less of you when you should know that's not what we do. What we expect from you is honesty about how you're feeling. You clearly expected the worst, and I don't know why.

You've told me so many times that you want to be there for me, and you didn't even want me to be there for you. Do you think Lev and I always know what the hell we're doing? Do you think we have all the answers to the questions and insecurities that fuck us up, that we would hold anything you tell us against you, that I don't know a thing about the shame of not wanting to let someone see how fucking terrified and lost you are?

You asked me to tell you when you do something that makes me unhappy, and this is it, Sorin. Asking to be invited into my insecurities but not inviting me into yours isn't how this works.

So stop saying sorry, stop sleeping in a warehouse, start being fully honest with us, and stop thinking that you're in this alone, because you're NOT.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Boys filter, and Sorin unloads some of his baggage, sry (also now typo free oops~)

sunnyelf
2017-02-20 11:35 pm UTC (link)

[...] I did want you there. I just didn't think that you wanted to be. But that's not the point, and that's only going to make you angrier, so I won't say it again. I'm sick of saying it like you're clearly sick of hearing it, so no more of that.

And why I expected the worst... because for as much as I believe and KNOW you and Lev are the exception, I'm still afraid that you will also abandon me someday. I still have nightmares about it. But I know you won't. I believe you when you say you won't, I really do. But the fear is still there and I can't shake it. And I know this doesn't make sense and what I just told you will make it seem like I don't believe you but I do. I just [...] don't know how else to express it. So I'm afraid of wanting and needing you too much, even though I really do want and need you both more than I ever thought I'd ever want or need anyone. Because losing you is the thing I'm afraid of more than anything else in Thedas, because everyone always leaves me behind eventually and I'm sick of it. You're the two people I let in closer than I've ever let in anyone because for once, I saw a chance not to be alone. But alone is a hard habit to break, and that's why I didn't come to you right away, because I fell into a habit without even thinking.

So, there you go. One of my insecurities. ~~Hap~~

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-20 11:44 pm UTC (link)
	It makes more sense to me than I think you realize. With all of that said, what do you plan to do next? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-20 11:49 pm UTC (link)
	[...............] What do you mean? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-20 11:53 pm UTC (link)
	You know the heart of the issue, you know that what you did wasn't the right move. What do you intend to do with that? How are you going to keep yourself from falling into habit? We're here for you, but we can't be here for you if you aren't there for yourself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Boys filter, a few minutes later

sunnyelf
2017-02-21 01:13 am UTC (link)

[.......................] I don't know.

[........................................................................................................................................]

But maybe I just shouldn't be left alone. At least until I figure it out. [............] And I don't know what the right thing to do about that is. I live alone now. I have to get used to be being by myself eventually, at least until we leave Cumberland. I can't spend the night with you and Lev every night, even though I want to. But for now, for a few days [...] if I'm not at work, I don't think I can stand to be alone. I don't think I should be. And maybe after those few days I'll have figured the rest out. Hopefully.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-21 01:18 am UTC (link)
	Alright. It's a step in the right direction, because you will figure it out, one way or another. For tonight, spend the night here? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-21 01:22 am UTC (link)
	Yeah, I hope. [.......] And yes, I [...] would like that. Maybe tomorrow too? If not I'll [......] find someone else to sleep with, I guess. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-21 01:24 am UTC (link)
	You're welcome here whenever you need it, Sorin. You're never unwelcome here. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-21 01:27 am UTC (link)
	Even if it comes down to every night? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-21 01:30 am UTC (link)
	Even if it's every night. And when someone needs the space, they can take it, as long as you let us know where you're going. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-21 01:42 am UTC (link)
	All right. [......] I don't know where I can go though if not with you. I just can't bring myself to step foot in the alienage right now, so the friends I have there aren't [...] really options. But that's my problem, I'll figure out something when the time comes when I'd have to. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-21 02:47 am UTC (link)
	I can't give you those options, Sorin. Maybe you won't need them, maybe you will. We can start with tonight. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter sunnyelf 2017-02-21 02:55 am UTC (link)
	I wasn't expecting you to. Like I said, it's my problem. But at least I have you tonight. Hopefully tomorrow too. Because I know what being alone is going to do to me. I've been down that road before, and I won't lose another man I love to it. [..............] I almost did today. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Boys filter minarchist 2017-02-21 03:14 am UTC (link)
	~~You won't l~~ [.....] Just come by after work, all right? You won't be alone tonight. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Boys filter -

sunnyelf, 2017-02-21 03:24 am UTC

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