InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Hey Moss-head!"

Cole Evans {Ichabod Crane} (blackcatsrbad) wrote in bellumlogs,
@ 2010-07-30 22:50:00

Entry tags:

ichabod crane, vasilissa

Who: Cole and Ileana
What: Cole wants to be alone so he can jump off the fire escape. Illy is not okay with this.
Where: 802
When: After this.
Warnings: Angst for starters. Probably swearing too.

Taking the stairs was too daunting for Cole at the moment, so he opted for the elevator - and for some reason the damned thing finally decided to work and took them to the eighth floor without any trouble. He couldn't bring himself to care, though; and he made his way down the hallway like some kind of zombie - shuffling along because he had to, without really absorbing anything around him. It didn't even seem familiar anymore, and faintly he wondered if his apartment would seem the same.

He paused outside the door to 802, one hand on the doorknob. "You should go back to your apartment," he said flatly, head turned in Ileana's direction but eyes kept firmly on the ground.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 06:18 am UTC (link)

"No, it wouldn't have," she said stubbornly. Why didn't he see how much he still meant to her? All she wanted to do was help. She reached out for him, ignoring any protest and grabbed his arm again.

"It's not right," Ileana's voice was quiet, "I want you to see that." She hesitated and it killed her inside to not trust his words. "Why can't you sleep while I'm here? We could just go lay down and you can rest..."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 06:25 am UTC (link)

He just shook his head silently, not having the willpower or strength to keep arguing with her. She was too stubborn to realize the truth in his words, and as much as he loved her for it... she was just going to end up hurt in the end. Even if he didn't push her away now, eventually Ileana would see that it wasn't going to get better and something even worse than the emotional pain of heartbreak might happen. Cole flinched again when she grabbed his arm, and he tried in vain to shake her off. "Don't."

Her question made him hesitate, because he'd been trying so hard to avoid the issue instead of being blunt about it - but maybe this was the only way to get through to her. "No. I can't, because... because of him. Jacob." Just saying his name reminded him of those dark days spent handcuffed to the chair, and the voice that had driven him to nearly kill Ileana and told him that he'd never be free, not anymore. For a few days near the end he'd actually been Jacob - he knew it because there were gaps of time he'd lost and couldn't remember, but he was too terrified to let himself really think about it. "He's a part of me, and he wants you dead. So I can't just go lay down with you and rest." He couldn't look at her expression, pulling away and turning so his back was half towards her. She'd wanted the truth, hadn't she? Now she had it.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 06:40 am UTC (link)

Ileana held on to his arm, not saying a word as he talked. She didn't know how to feel beyond a disturbing fear settling in her gut. What had Jason done to Cole? She mulled over the words in her head, a part of him wanted to kill her on that rooftop. If her heart could've shattered any further, it'd be in pieces on the floor.

"Jesus Christ..." she muttered, finally letting go of his arm to run her hands through her long hair. "Listen to yourself, Cole. Listen. You want to deal with this or...or have your own way of how you think you need to deal with this. But there's ways to help you," she was talking to a brick wall and she knew it. She put her hand on his back and quietly, "I want you to get better. I'll follow you ever step of the way if you'd let me. It doesn't have to end like this."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 06:50 am UTC (link)

He made a noise that sounded like a cross between a sob and a laugh, shoulders heaving visibly before the turned back to face her. "I am listening to myself, Ileana. I am. I don't want this... but I can't help it. I can't change what happened to me, but I can make sure you don't get any more hurt than you already have been." Cole knew there were ways; he could go to a psychiatrist or start therapy, but right now he couldn't find the motivation to even want to leave his apartment.

"I can't go get help right now. I'll... I'll try. But not now. It's too soon. Just... please. I haven't slept properly in weeks, and I swear that's all I'll do." His fire escape plan was going to have to wait, at least until he could be sure that she wasn't going to show up unannounced by using the key he'd given her. As for getting help, well, he'd have to think about it - but talking to some fucking stranger about his issues wasn't very appealing. He didn't need to be treated like a child and told that Jacob was 'all in his head' or whatever bullshit they'd come up with. Maybe he'd try it just to make her happy, but he didn't have much hope.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 10:39 am UTC (link)

Ileana closed her eyes for the moment, trying to collect herself. All she wanted to do was cling to him and sob in to the front of his shirt, begging and pleading for him to not do anything to himself. It was if she couldn't control herself, crossing the space between them and grabbing hold of Cole's hand. She tugged him close to hug him tightly, not saying anything for the moment and just held on.

A few moments passed in quiet, "If you don't want me around, I'll go." It pained her to even say it, evident in her voice. She didn't want to leave him alone. "You can sleep, I'll...I'll just go.."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 09:24 pm UTC (link)

This time he couldn't bring himself to pull away, even though he knew he should have. This was all his fault, for trying to deal with a psychopath on his own and being stupid enough to be lured into his trap. His life hadn't been fantastic before, but at least it was a damn sight better than this disaster he had to deal with - being afraid of himself, hurting Ileana no matter which choice he made, and trying to move forward when all he wanted was for everything to stop. Cole let himself be hugged, and even though he didn't push her away he didn't exactly return the embrace either.

"It's not that I don't want you around, don't you understand that? It's that you shouldn't be around me. Just... not right now." He wasn't going to be able to kill himself anyway, not when he knew how terrified she was that he'd do just that. For now he'd just have to keep on living, somehow. "I'll let you know I'm okay later, so you'll know I just slept and that's it."

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 09:33 pm UTC (link)

Ileana didn't hold on to Cole for too long when the embrace wasn't returned. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with herself now. There was only so much she could do and she was just emotionally spent. When she pulled back, she didn't bother to look up at him as she dragged her fingers through her hair again.

"All right," she sounded as defeated as she looked. "I'll let you sleep." She turned away, walking away from him and to the door. "Have a good rest."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 09:41 pm UTC (link)

He couldn't think of anything to do except stand there, wishing he knew the right thing to say or do so she didn't look so hopeless. But there was nothing, except maybe letting her know that he still cared - but how could he tell her he loved her after what he'd done? Maybe it would take some of the hurt away, but maybe not. He just... didn't know anymore.

Cole followed her halfway to the door, hesitating as he watched her go. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, the only words he could manage past the lump in his throat. They couldn't fix anything now, but at least they were sincere.

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	vasilissa 2010-07-31 09:50 pm UTC (link)
	She stopped at the door, hand on the handle. She closed her eyes for a moment when she heard his quiet apology. "I know," she sighed, "I still love you, Cole. Even if..." Ileana let herself trail off with shake of her head. Did it really fix anything to tell him this again? She said nothing else, just heading out the door and shutting it soundly behind her. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 09:56 pm UTC (link)

Cole watched her go, waiting until the door was shut to say the words he couldn't bring himself to speak when she was actually there. "I still love you too," he whispered, far too late; they didn't accomplish anything but to make the pain in his chest intensify.

Heading back to the kitchen, he found two more bottles and set them out on the table. After one was empty and the other was reaching the half-empty mark, he finally couldn't stay upright any longer and managed to fall into a slumber tormented by nightmares - but at least he managed to get some rest.

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