Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Are you hopping, Bunny?"

Cole Evans {Ichabod Crane} (blackcatsrbad) wrote in bellumlogs,
@ 2010-07-30 22:50:00

Entry tags:

ichabod crane, vasilissa

Who: Cole and Ileana
What: Cole wants to be alone so he can jump off the fire escape. Illy is not okay with this.
Where: 802
When: After this.
Warnings: Angst for starters. Probably swearing too.

Taking the stairs was too daunting for Cole at the moment, so he opted for the elevator - and for some reason the damned thing finally decided to work and took them to the eighth floor without any trouble. He couldn't bring himself to care, though; and he made his way down the hallway like some kind of zombie - shuffling along because he had to, without really absorbing anything around him. It didn't even seem familiar anymore, and faintly he wondered if his apartment would seem the same.

He paused outside the door to 802, one hand on the doorknob. "You should go back to your apartment," he said flatly, head turned in Ileana's direction but eyes kept firmly on the ground.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 03:07 am UTC (link)

Ileana couldn't do much than to follow Cole in to the elevator. Nothing she could think of saying felt significant or actually help for the moment. Half of her was still shell-shocked with the situation that they had just walked out of her, half of her was still operating and Knew leaving Cole alone right now would be her worst idea.

She kept a step behind Cole the way to the door of 802, he wasn't looking at her still but she shook her head. "No," she said firmly, "I'm not leaving you alone right now."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 03:19 am UTC (link)

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the door, trying to keep calm despite the fact that his nerves were so stretched that he felt like he might snap at any minute. But he wouldn't let himself or whatever the hell he had inside of him hurt her, even though she wasn't making it easy. "Ileana, you shouldn't be around me. Were you not... didn't you see what happened on that rooftop? Honestly, I can't understand why the hell you haven't turned around and started running as soon as you had the chance."

Cole still had his keys - he'd only been allowed to use the bathroom occasionally while being kept prisoner so he hadn't showered often, and even though Jason had given him a change of clothes at some point he was back in what he'd been wearing when he was kidnapped. His sense of time was entirely fucked up so he had no idea when any of this happened, but it didn't matter. He pulled out his keys and after fumbling for a moment managed to unlock the door, deciding that once he convinced Ileana to leave he'd take a shower before contemplating what came next. "I'll be fine. You need to go."

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 03:27 am UTC (link)

"You need help," Ileana told him calmly. She wasn't going to let him push her away now. If he wouldn't admit it, but he needed help. She wasn't exactly trusting he would take care of himself if she let him lock himself 802. "You need to get your wrists looked at. And I can help. I want to."

It'd be a lie if she said she wasn't scared of what he had been capable of on the rooftop, but it wasn't about that now. It was about the fact he looked crushed and dead inside. That wasn't a look of a man who'd keep himself okay. She stepped towards the door of 802, putting her foot in the way of the door frame in case he tried to close the door on her. "And I haven't turned around because you're my best friend and boyfriend. I'm not going anywhere."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 03:36 am UTC (link)

Cole yanked the keys out fiercely, throwing them at the couch and missing by at least a good foot. "I don't need help," he snapped. "My wrists are fine, okay? I'm not getting anything looked at because I don't need it." Rounding on her, he saw too late that she was blocking the doorway. For a brief second the ugly temptation to just slam the door shut anyway reared its head, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared, so instead he just shook his head in frustration and turned away. If she wanted to pretend like everything was fine and he hadn't been seconds away from gutting her with a goddamn knife, then that was her choice.

He made his way into the kitchen, searching for a way to keep his hands from shaking and his mind from racing. He didn't want to deal with anything right now: the memories, Jacob, the feeling of slipping a knife in flesh and taking a life - none of it. He was pushing her away because he loved her, because it was best for her and he wasn't safe - why couldn't she see that?

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 03:52 am UTC (link)

Ileana stepped in to the apartment, flinching a little when he snapped at her. She took a deep breath and let it go, not responding as she usually would when Cole started snapping. "Yes you do," she told him simply, "I'll get the first aid kit."

802 looked lived in, even for the owner being gone for two weeks because she had been living there. Sitting up all night, waiting and hoping for an answer to her desperate wish that he would come home. Dirty dishes in the sink and pinned up scrawled numbers on the fridge with Missing Persons organizations written next to them. The alcohol easily found that clearly wasn't his and half empty. She disappeared in to the bathroom and came back with the first aid kit, "If you don't want me to do it, you do it. But you can't leave your wrists like that."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 04:22 am UTC (link)

Cole registered the fact that his apartment didn't look like it should have if it hadn't been lived in for two weeks, and he stared at the phone numbers and Missing Persons organizations on the fridge before shaking his head. She should have just accepted that he was gone and left it at that - he would have preferred that she remember him as a good man instead of having to see him like this. "Fine," he muttered, rifling through the cupboards and finding more alcohol then he even remembered owning. He knew what the fact that the were half empty meant, and he had to cover his mouth as a sudden rush of guilt combined with nausea washed over him. Fuck, he definitely needed a drink.

He grabbed a half-empty bottle of something - maybe it was whiskey, or scotch, he didn't really bother checking - and poured some of it in a glass and tossed it back in one gulp. Part of him knew he shouldn't be acting like this in front of Ileana, because it hurt her just as much as it hurt him, but he shoved that voice to the back of his mind and simply poured another glass. "I'll do it, then." He couldn't bear to have her touch him, not after what he'd almost done. Taking his glass with him, he sat on the couch and took another sip.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 04:33 am UTC (link)

If Cole thought Ileana would have left it at that, he clearly forgot how she was. She let him pass her by, holding one of her bottles and her mouth twisted into a displeased look for a moment. She carried over the kit and tossed it on the couch next to Cole, sitting cross legged on the floor across from Cole than sit next to him on the couch. He wanted her to get away, so she'd give him some space.

She didn't even change an expression when she snatched the bottle away from Cole. She twisted the cap open and drank straight from the bottle. If he was going to act like this, why not let him see the same effect this had on her as well? The scotch burned the entire way down, but she took a second gulp before setting the bottle on the coffee table.

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 04:48 am UTC (link)

He really wanted to just throw the first aid kid at the wall, but instead he forced himself to act like a rational person for a little while longer instead of giving in to the breakdown he could feel coming. Wrenching open the kit, he grabbed some bandages and alcohol wipes before getting to work. The alcohol burned his raw wrists as he disinfected the wounds, but he barely even reacted to the pain and tried to bandage them as quickly as possible.

Cole stared at her, clenching and clenching his hands as much as possible to make his wrists hurt. The pain was something familiar, and least it made him feel a little less numb. "I know what you're doing," he told her in that same flat tone. "And you're wasting your time. You shouldn't be here, just like you shouldn't have come to that fucking rooftop in the first place. Do you not understand that I was going to kill you?" His voice rose dangerously and nearly broke, and he only managed to look at her for a second before looking back at the bottle. "Look. I can't... I'm not safe. You can't stay here." God help him, he didn't trust himself to fall asleep - not while she was here. He didn't think he could handle her falling asleep on him, either.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 05:01 am UTC (link)

It was as if she felt the phantom pain of the disinfectant that Cole was ignoring, wincing a little at how rough he worked with his wrists. Ileana pulled her knees up to her chest, looking at him with tired, sad eyes.

"What am I doing?" she asked, as if she didn't know. "Just the same as you are." Her fingers clenched on her knees and she tried not to flinch when his voice rose. "I came to the rooftop cause he told me he'd kill you and send me your body parts in the mail," she said simply, "I'm not leaving. I don't trust that you're not going to do something to yourself."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 05:10 am UTC (link)

He grabbed the bottle and practically chugged a good amount of it, welcoming the burning sensation that accompanied the alcohol as it went down. A normal conversation wasn't going to be possible unless he had a little help, and right now this was the only kind of help he wanted. If he couldn't throw himself off the fire escape yet, then passing out would have to do. At least there wasn't a chance of him waking up as Jacob and trying to finish what he'd started. "You're trying to... make me feel bad by drinking, so that I'll stop." He kept a firm grip on the bottle, laughing humorlessly. "Little do you know that I feel guilty enough already. I'm surprised it hasn't killed me yet. So like I said, you're wasting your time. I'm trying to... deal. This is how I'm dealing for the moment. Sorry if you don't like it."

Cole slammed the bottle down on the table, luckily not with enough strength to send it shattering into a million pieces. "What about not trusting that I won't do something to you, huh? You're worried that I'm a danger to myself when you should be worrying about the fact that I'm a danger to you. I'm a danger to everyone." He took another gulp from the bottle. "He was right. He'll always be there--" Cole lifted a finger and tapped the side of his skull, just like Jason had. "If you won't leave, I'll lock myself in my bedroom."

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 05:21 am UTC (link)

"I'm not a hypocrite," Ileana said mildly and trying to not sound defensive, "I'm not trying to make you feel bad for shit. I've been dealing too. I'm just going to tell you it doesn't fucking work all the time. I have experience. But if you want to, be my guest."

Ileana snatched the bottle when he slammed it down. This time she'd not give it back to him. "I'm more worried right now about you," she told him, "You're not well right now. But you're not a danger. You just need real help, Cole. Not to do this on your own. And I'm not leaving and I can pick the bedroom lock."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 05:32 am UTC (link)

"You have experience." He repeated the words slowly, like a child might do in order to understand the meaning of what was being said. "I know you've been dealing. I know you thought I was dead and you've been going out of your mind, but you don't-- you have no idea what I'm feeling right now. Or not feeling. Two weeks... it felt like a fucking century. I don't even know what day it is right now, I don't know who or what I am anymore." Cole fought to keep his voice calm. "I'm sorry that you had to be involved in this. I am. But you should have... you should have left me and remembered me the way I was. It would have been better."

Cole eyed the bottle, but he decided against fighting her for it and instead stood with a hint of unsteadiness, finally bringing himself to look at her. "I am a danger. You're only disagreeing because you don't know what happened. Or maybe a part of you does think I am, but you just don't want to admit it." He brought a hand to his forehead, debating whether or not going into the kitchen and grabbing another bottle would be a good idea. "You can't pick the bedroom lock," he said finally. Not if I push a shitload of furniture in front of the door first. He was trying to protect her, and he was going to make sure he didn't hurt anyone else even if he had to keep her safe against her will.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 05:42 am UTC (link)

"No, I don't have any idea what you're feeling, because you won't tell me," she replied, getting to her feet, "Don't say that! Don't say that I could...just leave you and go on like nothing happened. After Chicago? You really think I could do that? I don't know what sort of heartless thing you think I am that I could just drop it like that."

"I'm disagreeing, because I love you. I'm disagreeing because I have a terrible feeling if I walk out this door, you won't ever let me see you again," she told him, trying to keep her voice as controlled as his. "This won't help you, Cole. I'll fucking tackle you and sit on you until you stop thinking that I need to disappear to somehow be better without you."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 06:04 am UTC (link)

"I don't want to talk about it right now." He tried to back away and nearly ended up falling over the couch, catching himself at the last moment. "It's called moving on. I'm not saying that it would have been easy, I'm just saying... in the long run, it would have been better for you." Cole wasn't in any mood to argue, so instead of pushing the subject further he kept his mouth shut and wondered how much Ileana would hate him if he called Stefan.

He shook his head firmly, ignoring the dizzy feeling that came with the motion. "Tackling me isn't going to help either. You can't make me stop thinking what I think, because it's right. You can't see it yet, but it is." Cole decided to try another tactic, wanting desperately to be alone so he could finish off the bottles under the sink and forget. "I just want to sleep, but I can't let myself do that while you're here. I promise I won't... fucking do anything terrible to myself, okay?"

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 06:18 am UTC (link)

"No, it wouldn't have," she said stubbornly. Why didn't he see how much he still meant to her? All she wanted to do was help. She reached out for him, ignoring any protest and grabbed his arm again.

"It's not right," Ileana's voice was quiet, "I want you to see that." She hesitated and it killed her inside to not trust his words. "Why can't you sleep while I'm here? We could just go lay down and you can rest..."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 06:25 am UTC (link)

He just shook his head silently, not having the willpower or strength to keep arguing with her. She was too stubborn to realize the truth in his words, and as much as he loved her for it... she was just going to end up hurt in the end. Even if he didn't push her away now, eventually Ileana would see that it wasn't going to get better and something even worse than the emotional pain of heartbreak might happen. Cole flinched again when she grabbed his arm, and he tried in vain to shake her off. "Don't."

Her question made him hesitate, because he'd been trying so hard to avoid the issue instead of being blunt about it - but maybe this was the only way to get through to her. "No. I can't, because... because of him. Jacob." Just saying his name reminded him of those dark days spent handcuffed to the chair, and the voice that had driven him to nearly kill Ileana and told him that he'd never be free, not anymore. For a few days near the end he'd actually been Jacob - he knew it because there were gaps of time he'd lost and couldn't remember, but he was too terrified to let himself really think about it. "He's a part of me, and he wants you dead. So I can't just go lay down with you and rest." He couldn't look at her expression, pulling away and turning so his back was half towards her. She'd wanted the truth, hadn't she? Now she had it.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 06:40 am UTC (link)

Ileana held on to his arm, not saying a word as he talked. She didn't know how to feel beyond a disturbing fear settling in her gut. What had Jason done to Cole? She mulled over the words in her head, a part of him wanted to kill her on that rooftop. If her heart could've shattered any further, it'd be in pieces on the floor.

"Jesus Christ..." she muttered, finally letting go of his arm to run her hands through her long hair. "Listen to yourself, Cole. Listen. You want to deal with this or...or have your own way of how you think you need to deal with this. But there's ways to help you," she was talking to a brick wall and she knew it. She put her hand on his back and quietly, "I want you to get better. I'll follow you ever step of the way if you'd let me. It doesn't have to end like this."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 06:50 am UTC (link)

He made a noise that sounded like a cross between a sob and a laugh, shoulders heaving visibly before the turned back to face her. "I am listening to myself, Ileana. I am. I don't want this... but I can't help it. I can't change what happened to me, but I can make sure you don't get any more hurt than you already have been." Cole knew there were ways; he could go to a psychiatrist or start therapy, but right now he couldn't find the motivation to even want to leave his apartment.

"I can't go get help right now. I'll... I'll try. But not now. It's too soon. Just... please. I haven't slept properly in weeks, and I swear that's all I'll do." His fire escape plan was going to have to wait, at least until he could be sure that she wasn't going to show up unannounced by using the key he'd given her. As for getting help, well, he'd have to think about it - but talking to some fucking stranger about his issues wasn't very appealing. He didn't need to be treated like a child and told that Jacob was 'all in his head' or whatever bullshit they'd come up with. Maybe he'd try it just to make her happy, but he didn't have much hope.

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 10:39 am UTC (link)

Ileana closed her eyes for the moment, trying to collect herself. All she wanted to do was cling to him and sob in to the front of his shirt, begging and pleading for him to not do anything to himself. It was if she couldn't control herself, crossing the space between them and grabbing hold of Cole's hand. She tugged him close to hug him tightly, not saying anything for the moment and just held on.

A few moments passed in quiet, "If you don't want me around, I'll go." It pained her to even say it, evident in her voice. She didn't want to leave him alone. "You can sleep, I'll...I'll just go.."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 09:24 pm UTC (link)

This time he couldn't bring himself to pull away, even though he knew he should have. This was all his fault, for trying to deal with a psychopath on his own and being stupid enough to be lured into his trap. His life hadn't been fantastic before, but at least it was a damn sight better than this disaster he had to deal with - being afraid of himself, hurting Ileana no matter which choice he made, and trying to move forward when all he wanted was for everything to stop. Cole let himself be hugged, and even though he didn't push her away he didn't exactly return the embrace either.

"It's not that I don't want you around, don't you understand that? It's that you shouldn't be around me. Just... not right now." He wasn't going to be able to kill himself anyway, not when he knew how terrified she was that he'd do just that. For now he'd just have to keep on living, somehow. "I'll let you know I'm okay later, so you'll know I just slept and that's it."

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vasilissa
2010-07-31 09:33 pm UTC (link)

Ileana didn't hold on to Cole for too long when the embrace wasn't returned. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with herself now. There was only so much she could do and she was just emotionally spent. When she pulled back, she didn't bother to look up at him as she dragged her fingers through her hair again.

"All right," she sounded as defeated as she looked. "I'll let you sleep." She turned away, walking away from him and to the door. "Have a good rest."

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blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 09:41 pm UTC (link)

He couldn't think of anything to do except stand there, wishing he knew the right thing to say or do so she didn't look so hopeless. But there was nothing, except maybe letting her know that he still cared - but how could he tell her he loved her after what he'd done? Maybe it would take some of the hurt away, but maybe not. He just... didn't know anymore.

Cole followed her halfway to the door, hesitating as he watched her go. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, the only words he could manage past the lump in his throat. They couldn't fix anything now, but at least they were sincere.

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	vasilissa 2010-07-31 09:50 pm UTC (link)
	She stopped at the door, hand on the handle. She closed her eyes for a moment when she heard his quiet apology. "I know," she sighed, "I still love you, Cole. Even if..." Ileana let herself trail off with shake of her head. Did it really fix anything to tell him this again? She said nothing else, just heading out the door and shutting it soundly behind her. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

blackcatsrbad
2010-07-31 09:56 pm UTC (link)

Cole watched her go, waiting until the door was shut to say the words he couldn't bring himself to speak when she was actually there. "I still love you too," he whispered, far too late; they didn't accomplish anything but to make the pain in his chest intensify.

Heading back to the kitchen, he found two more bottles and set them out on the table. After one was empty and the other was reaching the half-empty mark, he finally couldn't stay upright any longer and managed to fall into a slumber tormented by nightmares - but at least he managed to get some rest.

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