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Tweak says, "I love dogs............"

lotte karsten {christine daaé} (still_lotte) wrote in bellumlogs,
@ 2010-05-17 14:01:00

Entry tags:

christine daaé, phantom of the opera

Who: Lotte and Bran
What: Hearing things
Where: 1206/1106
When: Backdated to Saturday, sometime after this
Warnings: Crying and crazy.

She'd tried making herself one of Katya's teas after she'd taken a shower. Being clean and pajamas should have been enough to get her to calm down, but Lotte couldn't escape the miserable feeling that had been with her since that morning. Talking to Not-Erik had made her feel temporarily better the day before - but of course, that had let to Ella's accusations and storytelling. Diego's leaving had led to her breakdown in public - the embarassment from that was enough to crush her further. She couldn't go back there now after such a spectacle - and if anyone had seen her, they'd know she really was crazy. And Diego was leaving her, just like...

Before she'd even gotten the kettle out, Lotte was crying again. It was quiet, slightly muffled as she tried to stop - because hadn't she cried enough today? - and she managed to fill her tea kettle and put it on the stove. But her hand shook as she turned on the stove, ending with her giving up. The kettle crashed into the sink and she slumped to the cabinet next to it. She didn't even bother trying to hide the noises anymore, getting louder as everything bad that had happened crashed down on her again. Her father, the voices, the dress from the production, Diego leaving, no one believing her, being unable to write that letter... She couldn't escape it, no matter what she turned her mind to.

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still_lotte
2010-05-18 01:22 am UTC (link)

The change in his voice was disturbing enough that her crying stopped for a moment. Her hand covered her mouth and she bit down on the skin hard to keep quiet. He was in her head - it shouldn't matter whether she made any noises or not - but she had to listen to the change. It didn't make sense that he'd sound different; she'd always heard his voice as being the same. Tone could change - Lotte was quite familiar with how he changed from being angry with her to pleading - but the voice itself, was always consistent.

Shaking still, Lotte shut her eyes playing over what he said until the words made sense. She sniffled, slumping further down on the cabinet, her head smacking against the wood. He shouldn't have been talking about pills either or talking to her - like he had been since she'd changed the first time. Maybe she was really crazy and this wasn't her subconscious. Even if she remembered reading that Erik hadn't liked it when Christine cried. But hadn't it been because of him then? Her head hurt from thinking about it.

"Because you always are, you always want me to sing or do what I can't," Lotte said, voice hoarse. There was a pause where she debated whether talking to the voice in her head was a good idea, before she realized she didn't care. It wasn't going to change things if did or didn't talk to him, right? "Diego's going to Peru and he isn't coming back."

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lemortvivant
2010-05-18 06:29 am UTC (link)

The fact that she was crying over someone else was enough to make him forget about being careful, but he knew by the time he caught himself it was too late. Bran could only hope that she didn't think too much of it, especially if she still believed this was a hallucination. Keeping that up was a challenge in itself, since he didn't know enough about her to portray himself as a manifestation of her own subconscious for very long. Keeping Trevor and the man whose fable was Erik separate required constant attention, and sometimes he was tempted to just tell her - but then Ella kept standing in the way. If he'd never touched her, then none of it would be a problem. Was teaching her a lesson worth the cost?

He had no idea who the hell Diego was, but if he'd made Lotte cry then the man should hope that he was on an airplane before Bran found out just who he was and what apartment he was in. "But you can sing. I never want you to do anything that you're incapable of."

Bran paused, torn between bitter hatred of this Diego and jealousy, although the latter was unfamiliar and confusing. "People come and go all the time, but very few return, and even fewer stay."

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still_lotte
2010-05-18 01:32 pm UTC (link)

Back to singing again. Why did it always lead back to that? She shut her eyes, falling the rest of the way to the floor. The tile under her head was cool and semi-calming and she pressed her cheek against it. "It's the other things you ask - and you don't pay attention." It seemed wrong to correct him, but it was true. "I can't sing and I don't want to. It only makes things worse.”

Lotte winced when he mentioned coming and going. That did sound familiar, strikingly so – when had he said that to her? (Because she was sure it was herself and not Christine.) A dream, maybe? She sniffled once more, wishing he would just stop. “He said he’d visit and keep in touch. But it was good and I felt safe – and I know he travels but I thought it was more permanent.”

She curled up on the floor, knees coming up to her chin and her arms going around her legs. “You keep coming back,” she said, almost accusingly. “Even when the therapy was supposed to take care of it. Even when the real you is here.” Or not. Another sniffled. “Even if his voice is wrong. And yours is.” She half-expected him to yell at her – Christine at least had been smarter about not saying things to upset him.

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lemortvivant
2010-05-18 07:39 pm UTC (link)

Other things? Bran made a mental note to re-read Phantom at least two more times, or until he'd memorized the thing. "When you don't sing, it makes things worse. You speak as though you know me better than I know myself."

It was going to be difficult to do anything except upset her further, but he couldn't stop. Not when she was so close, just one floor above him. Did she really think he posed a threat, or was it someone else who worried her? "You will still be safe, even without him here. Never doubt that." Torturing Ella was for her own benefit, a necessary lesson, but he could and would kill if anyone dared threaten Lotte.

His tone turned angry then, harsher than he would have liked, but it was hard to control. "You dare tell me that my voice is wrong? You think you know it better than I do?"

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still_lotte
2010-05-18 07:51 pm UTC (link)

"It doesn't, you come less and no one gets hurt," Lotte said. She didn't move from where she was on the floor, other than to turn her cheek slightly. For once the coldness felt good. "And I'm not depressed because of it."

There was something odd about him saying that, but she sighed and didn't answer. He was the voice in her head after-all - she knew him just as well as he did. Technically. If her therapist was right - he had to be, at this point - then Erik's voice was just her subconscious, voicing the things she couldn't. Her eyes began to tear up again and she sniffled. There wasn't anything to say to his reassuring her she'd be safe either - it was him, she was scared of after all. If he learned that Christine had lied with his letter...Lotte began to shake. It only became worse when his voice grew angry with her.

Her hands covered her ears, even though she knew it was useless. It was in her head, the voice would still come through and it would stay there with her forever. She couldn't help but start crying again, protesting as she did so. "It's been twelve years."

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lemortvivant
2010-05-19 05:42 am UTC (link)

Bran sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself down so he didn't end up yelling at her again. He'd wanted to make her stop crying, but instead all he'd done was make things worse. "Don't you enjoy singing?" Lotte might be hesitant to sing because of the voices, but couldn't have truly disliked it. No one who had such potential could despise it, could they?

He was silent for a few moments, listening to the sound of her crying through the ceiling. "I know it's been twelve years. Don't cry. "

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still_lotte
2010-05-19 05:54 am UTC (link)

It took her longer to calm down, but after several minutes she managed to only be left with the aftershocks of it. Hiccuping slightly, she tugged her knees all the way up to her chin. "I used to," Lotte said, wistful despite herself. "It was all that my father and I did and then-"

She didn't say anything more. It was obvious enough - he'd died and the voices had come. Singing had always been a part of interacting with the voices and they'd encouraged her after her father's death, when depressed. But she'd stopped after the therapy started, knowing the link between the voices and the singing had to be cut. "I don't know how to enjoy it anymore."

There was another sniffle and she asked, "Why do you always come back?"

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lemortvivant
2010-05-20 02:17 am UTC (link)

"I know. But that potential is still within you, and you can't give up on it." If Lotte was this similar to Christine, then her motivation must have been tied to her father - although it probably had something to do with the pills she kept talking about. But she wasn't crazy - shouldn't she realize that, especially now?

"I always come back because I want to help you enjoy singing again." It wasn't a lie - voice or no voice, he wanted her to be able to sing again. Not that half-hearted attempt she'd given him before, but something true and genuine. She was capable of it, but lacked the desire to do anything about it.

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still_lotte
2010-05-20 02:28 am UTC (link)

Lotte became quiet, thoughts moving faster than they had any time today. Less panicked than earlier and she shut her eyes to focus. If all he wanted was for her to sing, something she could fix unlike the pleading she'd once heard in the past...she could do it. She could force herself to, if it meant she could be normal - or as normal as someone could be in Bellum.

"If I - if I let you help me, will you leave me alone? Eventually? So I can stop being crazy?"

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lemortvivant
2010-05-20 02:38 am UTC (link)

"You're not crazy. You should realize that by now... but fine. If you let me help you, and you learn to sing again as you did before, then I will leave you alone." Once he was sure that she wouldn't simply pretend to learn and forget all about it once he was gone, then ceasing to masquerade as this voice might not be a problem. By that time Bran hoped that things between himself and Lotte - even if it was 'Trevor' at the moment - would be different, so he wouldn't need to do this anymore.

Maybe.

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still_lotte
2010-05-20 03:09 am UTC (link)

It was almost too good to be true and Lotte's eyes flashed open. She could do it, she'd get through it, and be normal. Not-Erik was nice and they had plans to keep everyone safe - and it meant she maybe, be rid of things to be afraid of. Maybe.

"Hearing voices that no one else can is usually crazy," Lotte said, a bit more bitterly than intended. She sighed and rolled over to push herself to her feet. "When will you start?"

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lemortvivant
2010-05-20 04:10 am UTC (link)

Bran resisted the urge to start talking about the building and how insane it was, since it was too risky. He still didn't like that she thought herself crazy, but he could deal with that later. "Usually" was all he said before considering her next question.

When to start - that was a good question. He needed to prepare, although an imaginary voice wouldn't, would it? Then again, it wouldn't need to justify itself either. "The end of this week," he said after a moment's pause, sounding confident and final. She wasn't meant to argue.

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	still_lotte 2010-05-20 04:29 am UTC (link)
	Lotte remained on her knees on the tile for a moment, reaching up to wipe at her face. Even if his tone was enough to say she shouldn't argue, she couldn't help but hesitantly ask, "And when no one else is here, right?" She couldn't have that insanity combined with this. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lemortvivant 2010-05-20 05:03 am UTC (link)
	He had to bite down on his tongue to keep from laughing. Oh Lotte. She really did worry too much. "Of course - when no one else is here." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	still_lotte 2010-05-20 05:06 am UTC (link)
	For a moment, she frowned - it really wasn't fair if her own subconcious mocked her. But she sighed and said, "I better - better take care of things." She had a letter to write after all and needed to wash her face. "So you can...vanish now?" It shouldn't have been this difficult to term things with a hallucination. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lemortvivant
2010-05-20 05:09 am UTC (link)

Oh God, he really had no idea why the urge to laugh was so strong. It wasn't a humorous situation, and he knew that, but he wondered if he was finally beginning to lose it. Or maybe it was one of those things that was so not-funny that somewhere along the line it became the opposite. "Alright. Until the end of the week, then."

With that Bran slid off the bed, away from the ceiling, and began to look through his collection of books. If he was going to become Lotte's new voice coach, he needed to prepare himself.

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