Kol Mikaelson kills for sport. (itchtokill) wrote in wariscoming, @ 2014-03-22 21:44:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | kol mikaelson, niklaus mikaelson |
Kol Mikaelson [open to Niklaus Mikaelson]; Processing
Saturday, March 22, 2014, after everyone is aged properly again; Front steps of Mikaelson Manor
PGish (no real warnings, just angst and processing); Complete
The whole thing just felt so circular and Kol felt stuck.
Kol had been suddenly thrown into the position of the oldest for the last several days and now that everyone was back to normal again, he finally had a chance to truly allow himself to try and process it all, instead of just freaking out at anyone that would listen for two seconds and immediately plastering on the fake smile for his younger siblings. He was older, he was the one they'd turn to, he had to keep it together for their sake. He had garnered a greater appreciation for Elijah's role of oldest. He wasn't sure how his brother managed it, if he were being completely honest. Elijah kept himself so calm and together, in the worst of situations and had done it for centuries, and Kol had barely managed to keep a brave face for his suddenly much younger siblings for a mere few days. How did Elijah do it? He had no idea, but Kol was actually glad he was in the middle because anything above that had only proven quite well in the last couple of days to be too much for him to handle.
Of course, maybe it wasn't simply being thrust into being the oldest that had frazzled him so much. It was the things the tiny versions of his siblings were saying. The guilt Elijah felt that Kol had always sort of known his older brother carried, but never truly realized how very prominent a feeling it was for him. Rebekah's fierce protective streak, especially of Nik, and the way the two of them had just been so...protective of each other, the way it used to be, the way it was supposed to be. But more than any of them, the younger version of Nik was the one that had gotten to Kol the most. And he would admit he felt a bit ridiculous reacting the way he had, but he couldn't help it. Nik was the one he had so desperately vyed attention from, acceptance, love, for so long. And hearing all of those things from him, as well as knowing how quickly it would all disappear back to the paranoid mask of cruelty, it had just been too much.
He practically fell apart talking to Crowley, Caroline, Rose, even Anna had seen a bit more of that than he'd have wanted. Crowley was never the best in those situations and Kol didn't fault him for it, he wasn't really any good at them himself and distractions were usually the best offer. Anna helped, at least a bit, by simply giving him some scrap of hope that this may help when they all turned the right ages again. Oh, how he hoped she was right. Rose was empathetic and Caroline... He and Caroline always ended up in the same place in these discussions, opposing sides, neither exactly wrong or right and neither able to properly see the situation from the other's point of view. She got all the things he so wanted from Nik and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't jealous of that. It was so easy for Nik to show her that side of him and yet he couldn't do the same for the rest of his family. But then she wasn't wrong that Kol expected too much, either. He knew he did, but he wasn't sure how he could expect anything different. To be trusted as an equal hardly seemed an unfair expectation from his own brother. But a person doesn't get to ignore the past just because a few things in the present are different. The mercy and control Nik had shown during his time in Lawrence didn't change every wrongdoing done to him before. The whole thing just felt so...circular and Kol felt stuck.
He wanted to talk to Nik about it. About what the younger him had said. He wanted to know if he still felt that way. He wanted to know if it really was as impossible as his older brother seemed to think for him to get some piece of that part of him back again. Was Kol just a fool for hoping it was possible? Probably. But was it really so wrong of him to miss that part of Nik? To want to actually hear the words that proved beyond anything else that his brother truly cared?
Kol let out a sigh as he dropped onto the top step on the front porch of the Mikaelson home, knees drawn up halfway toward his chest as he just sat there, staring out at nothing and thinking things through.