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Dexy ([info]dead_sexydexy) wrote in [info]dexy_demented,
@ 2008-04-22 15:57:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:james, james/lily, lily, limerick, mwpp era, peter, pg-13, poetry, severus, sirius

Which Hex?: Limerick; Sirius, Peter, Snape, Lily/James PG-13
Title: Which Hex?
Prompt: [info]phoenix_flies drabble_a_thon: #31 Water
Author: [info]dead_sexydexy
Rating: PG-13
Form: Limerick
Characters: Sirius, Peter, Lily/James, Snape
Notes: James and Lily enjoy a romantic swim, but there's a Snape lurking in water nearby.
Disclaimer: The Potterverse is not mine, I make no money from it, I don’t intend to harm it or anyone else.
Comments and Concrit: Are always welcome.



Which Hex?

Wormtail, look down in the water.
See Snivellus? That lousy rotter!
Which hex shall I serve
That bigoted perv,
For spying on Evans and Potter?

(Post a new comment)


[info]elethian
2008-04-30 09:28 pm UTC (link)
I suggest one tiny tweak: in the second line change "The" to "That". YMMV but when I say that line as is, the stress wants to fall on "lou", which doesn't feel right:

see SNIV-ell-us the LOU-sy ROT-ter

vs

see SNIV-ell-us THAT lou-sy ROT-ter

?

Otherwise well done :)

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]dead_sexydexy
2008-04-30 09:50 pm UTC (link)
Ooooh! I like that suggestion very much. Thanks!

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]elethian
2008-04-30 09:56 pm UTC (link)
You're welcome. Glad you agree. I am very picky about stress patterns when I write poetry, myself!

I have the others you posted in [info]snack_attack open in tabs on a computer in another room at the moment so I'll get to them in an hour or so when I am done with this workshop I'm in. :)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dead_sexydexy
2008-04-30 09:59 pm UTC (link)
Excellent. I wrote so many in a huge batch, I'm sure there are plenty of words still left to be tweaked.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]elethian
2008-04-30 09:57 pm UTC (link)
hm, now I think, maybe add a "to" before "that bigoted perv"? (great phrase btw, I keep giggling when I read it...)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

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