InsaneJournal

Halloween had been awkward, then again he’d expected it to be if they’d actually got together. Just another fucking day in Westview. He’d wanted Quentin to come over, had all but asked, but with how that went he kinda wished he’d never said anything. Despite that they spent a strained and awkward night watching movies. Eliot had tried reaching out to his friend, but it felt like everything just kept going wrong as usual. It felt as if nothing was ever going to be okay again and he didn’t know how to pull himself out of the dark hole he was sinking deeper and deeper into.

A sigh escaped him as he pushed open the door of the coffee shop and went in. He had to get out of his apartment, get some fresh air and stop overthinking. Walking up to the counter he glanced over the menu then ordered a french vanilla cappuccino. His gaze moved over the selection of muffins. Did he want one? Not really. Was he hungry? No. Should he eat something? Yes.

Quentin was doing his best not to overthink everything that had been going on between him and Eliot. Which meant he was doing exactly that whenever he had a spare second during his day. He managed to keep his overthinking to the evenings when he was not at work, so that was at least something right? He knew he’d done something wrong, but he wasn’t entirely sure what that was exactly. He was trying to be supportive and be there for his friend, but it was getting harder and harder the further Eliot fell away from him. Or more accurately the further Eliot fell into whatever hole he was in. He knew that feeling very well, but that didn’t mean he knew how to help a person out of that spiral. Even though he wanted to.

It had been his late day which consisted of meetings with parents and those never went well. Half the parents didn’t seem to care, the other half seemed to think he was doing something wrong when little Timmy couldn’t be arsed to turn in his homework on time. After that kind of day, he decided that he would treat himself. Maybe he’d pick up something and bring it home to Eliot as a peace offering. Yeah, he’d do that. He walked into the shop and his eyes were on the menu above the counter so he didn’t notice a particular head of curls until after he’d decided what he wanted.

Quentin stepped up behind the person at the counter then he saw who it was. Well so much for that idea…or maybe not. He waited for Eliot to complete his order, including whatever snack he wanted, then cleared his throat and stepped up to stand beside him at the counter. “I’ll have one of those blueberry scones with a chai latte.” He held his card out and then looked up at Eliot with a smile. “And I’ll pay for him too.”

After a few seconds of uncertainty, Eliot chose a banana nut muffin. As he reached for his wallet someone moved to stand beside and spoke. He turned when he recognized the voice. Of all the shops in Westview he had to come to this one, and offer to pay for his order. That was nice, but also why? "Thanks," he said with a small smile and put his wallet away. He thanked the woman behind the counter when she handed him his coffee and muffin.

Eliot stood there a few moments then turned away and headed for the door. He paused then moved forward pushing the door open and holding it until Quentin walked out. They fell into step together walking toward home. "You didn't have to pay for my stuff, but thanks." Yes, he'd already thanked him, but he wasn't sure what else to say. For all he knew Quentin would make a portal and leave him standing there. He wouldn't mind. He'd gone out for some fresh air and had intended to walk.

Quentin nodded then took the offered pen and signed off on the receipt, leaving a good tip for the staff. He waited for his own drink and scone then walked out with Eliot. “I know, but I wanted to.” He walked on with him waiting to see if he would make a portal. It was a nice enough evening he thought the walk and fresh air would do him some good. It might do them both some good in fact. He wanted to say something as the walked, but he wasn’t sure where to start. Things had been feeling strained between them since…well since he’d opened up about the way he felt. Or maybe just since whatever spell had been cast on them lifted and things went back to what passed for normal in their world.

After a couple of blocks, he glanced up and then looked back to the path they were taking to their respective apartments. “So how’s work going? You getting settled in there?” Yes, he was asking about work. It was that or the weather at this point. They were in public and maybe if they started out on some mundane topic they could keep a conversation going until they got home and things would start to feel normal again. He missed his friend, and he could see the man was hurting but he didn’t know how to make it better for him. He just wanted Eliot to know he was there. He would always be there.

“Work is going well. I like it there.” His coworkers were nice and his boss wasn’t bad. Overall he was happy at the shop. It was a distraction from everything else going on in his world and the one place he didn’t get high. That’s not to say he didn’t go in some days a bit hungover, but never in a way that it would affect his work. “There’s already talk of how to decorate the front window for Christmas. I was told that there’s a meeting where everyone suggests themes and ideas and then they choose a theme or ideas to go with. I have a few in mind.” He wasn’t so sure with being the new guy that his suggestions would be used, but he would share them. “How’s school going?”

The fresh air was helping. The company was helping too. Eliot knew they needed to really talk about a number of things, but it was difficult after he’d felt so hurt after their last conversation. There were so many emotions going through him lately and he didn’t like it. Still, the man walking beside him was one of his best friends. He needed him, needed things to get better between them and that would have to start with talking and Eliot somehow starting to climb out of the black hole he was in. “I bought a Christmas tree,” he said as they neared the building. “Got the lights and ornaments too. May…Maybe you’d like to help me decorate it when I put it up?” His tone held a bit of uncertainty. They’d reached the building. Eliot glanced over at Quentin. “Want to come finish your coffee with me?”

“That’s good.” He had honestly worried Eliot might get bored with a retail job, even if he was working with fashion. He sipped his drink and looked up confused when they came to a crosswalk. “On the one hand I want to say it’s early to decorate for Christmas, but on the other.,..shouldn’t a business already have a plan in place before the big push for holiday shopping starts?” He had a feeling some of the people who had been at that particular shop since the previous holiday season already had some grand plans in mind to put forth at the meeting. “Do you have something in mind to suggest to them?”

He groaned at the question about school. “It had been going well but today I had several conferences with parents. Mostly they went well but there were a couple of them who seem to think I am doing something wrong because their kid refused to turn in homework. You know, the stuff the parents are around for?” He shook his head. He’d known that he might run into parents like this but it had still just pissed him off. He was doing his best with his students, but some of them were just refusing to do their part. “But it is what it is. I’ll just have to try harder to get them to do their work I guess.” He did the air quotes when he said try harder because there wasn’t a whole lot he could do.

Luckily the subject was changed back around to holiday decorations and Quentin perked up a bit. “You did? I’d love to help out!. Of course, I haven’t even thought about decorating yet. Then again, I like to get a real tree so I will likely wait a little bit longer before I get one. I love that smell, it always makes me feel like a kid.” He looked up when they got to the apartments and prepared to be dismissed. He smiled when he was invited in instead. “I’d like that.” He waited for him to open the door then stepped inside. He glanced around looking for Nyx and was quickly rewarded when a little blur of black fur came out of nowhere to throw itself at Eliot. “OH I see how you are little miss.”

"It's more like a boutique and I was told they strive to have a different theme or set up every year." He sipped his cappuccino. "I don't think it's too early to pick the theme. The window is decorated the first week in December. I do have a few ideas. A retro theme or vintage. Lots of black and white with pops of red for the holiday. Like the female mannequin wearing a black cocktail dress with one of the shop's red scarves, same for the male mannequin. Well, not a dress," he chuckled. "Accessorize them with things from the shop and then put other items on the smaller display stands like sweaters and such." He wasn't sure they'd like it, but he was still going to suggest it. It was classic and you really couldn't go wrong with it given the right decor and clothes for the entire display window.

Eliot frowned. "Do they know the meaning of the word homework? Work you do at home..." He shook his head. How could parents complain about that or blame their child not doing it on the teacher? "I'm sure it's a delicate balance not pointing out that they should be helping and ensuring their kid does the homework and not just going off. This is why I could never be a teacher. "Nope. You don't need to try harder. The parents need to do better and try harder. You have no say in what happens once your students go home. Don't stress over it." That was easier said than done though.

"Good. I'd like that." A small smile appeared on his face. "I'll probably put it up the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe before then. I haven't decided yet." There was both relief and anxiety at Quentin agreeing to come into his apartment. Inside he sat his coffee and muffin on the coffee table then hung up his jacket. Nyx was at his feet meowing and rubbing against him. "Hello, baby girl," he said, bending down to pick her up, "did you miss me?" She fell into his arm on her back purring as he petted her. "She just missed me," he assured Quentin as they sat on the couch. "You know we need to talk." There was a pause. "I know there are things we need to talk about, but I want you to go first. Is there anything you want us to talk about?" Eliot would do his best to be open, but even he wasn't sure how well that would go at present.


"That sounds pretty. Should throw some silver and gold in there too somehow." Not that he really knew that much about that sort of thing. Things like that were Eliot's thing and the man had a very good eye for it. "Hopefully they like your idea. You'll have to keep me posted on what they end up doing." Even if they didn't go with Eliot's idea they should get the man's input on whatever idea they did pick. He was bound to make it better. He made a mental note to go by and check out the place Eliot worked. He hadn't had time to do that yet, and he wasn't sure if the man would like him just showing up randomly. Might be a distraction.

"They apparently don't, but it's not like you can tell them that little Timmy is just a holy terror to have in class because he knows his parents will always take his side." Well, he could tell them that, but then he would be looking for another job pretty soon after. Not his idea of a good time, especially going into the holidays. He still had a vague plan to get Eliot something extra special this year. The trick would be affording it. "I think we should plan for the weekend before Thanksgiving to have the tree itself up, and do the decorating on Thanksgiving after dinner maybe? Watch the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special and decorate?" It sounded like a good plan to him anyway.

Once they were inside he followed the man's lead and put his drink and snack down before taking off his own coat. He stepped over and scratched Nyx behind her little ears while she was curled up in Eliot's arms. "Oh I know. Tiberius does the same thing when I walk in the door." It was a cat thing apparently. He was caught a little off guard by Eliot's suggestion that they have things to talk about, but the man was right. He sat on the opposite end of the couch and picked up his drink for a sip, or three. He was stalling for time as he got his thoughts in order.

While he was thinking of where to start his eye was drawn once again to the ring. Should he ask about it now? It was something he wanted to know...but he knew that odds were good it would likely bring up some not pleasant discussions. Or at least things that he might not want to hear just then. He rested his drink on his knee and shrugged. "I just want to know why it feels like you are trying to push me away?" He looked up at him again. "I feel like I'm trying to reach out to you and be here for you and you just keep pulling away from me. Like you don't want my help." And the fact tha Eliot kept saying that no one cared about him honestly hurt his feelings a bit when he thought too much about it, but he knew that Eliot knew he cared so he tried not to think about it too much. "I just want to help, and I feel like no matter what I try it's the wrong thing."
"Thanks. Maybe some gold and silver bulbs hanging down from the top of the window. I like that. Thanks for the suggestion." He tucked it away to bring up when he went to the meeting. "I will." Though he doubted they would use the new guy's idea.

Eliot had to keep from rolling his eyes. Quentin and all those who taught had to be saints. He simply couldn't deal with such things on the regular. "That's a good plan for the tree and decorating." Watching the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was so Q. Endearing, cute and sweet.

Eliot was prepared (or so he believed) for a number of issues Quentin could bring up. Including the one he broached. "I'm really not trying to push you away or pull away. It's just most days I feel so...shitty. Like I'm drowning and can barely keep my head above water." He swallowed thickly and reached for his coffee to take a long drink. "I know you want to help and you do." He turned to look at his friend. "When I'm having a bad day, it's a really bad day. And I know other things don't help that. I just..." He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed heavily. "I'm a fucked up mess, Q. I know I have to change, start digging myself out of this black hole, but it's hard. You do help though. I know it may not seem like it, but you do. I feel okay around you."



Quentin knew that feeling very well and it hurt to see Eliot in that same place. He considered suggesting that he find a therapist, but he wasn't even sure there was one available in this place. Speaking of this place, he knew that had so much to do with the state his friend was in. It was completely unfamiliar and there were no guideposts or anything. At least in Fillory they had a goal in mind, even if they had no idea how they were going to accomplish it. He debated a moment then shifted over so he was sitting close enough that he could reach out and take hold of Eliot's free hand.

"I'm sorry that you're going through all of this, El. But I am here, and I will always be here. I think I Just get frustrated because I want to help, and I should really know better." He of all people should know better than to think he could fix anything. "You've been through a lot of really shitty things in a really short span of time. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed." Which he knew was only a small bit of what Eliot was feeling, but he knew that didn't help matters in the slightest. "Just try to remember that I'm on your side? Even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes."

Eliot gave Quentin's hand a squeeze. While it was annoying to hear his friend say such things he should know better he knew how his mind worked when it came to such things. "I just need my friend. That's all." It was simple and complicated and Eliot wished it wasn't the latter. "Haven't we all though?" He asked, lifting his gaze to look in Quentin's eyes. Logically he knew that, but there were those days when it was all too much. However, he had to try and start getting himself out of this hole. It wouldn't be easy.

His expression softened. "I know you are, Q. Even those times I don't act like it. Who knows where I'd be if you weren't here." It wasn't something he liked to think about. "I'm going to do better, start climbing my way out of all this and I'll need my friend. I'll need you." Something, someone good in his corner because he knew he'd have more bad days. He reached for his coffee and took a long drink. "Do you want to talk about our last conversation?" Meaning the whole sex/casual sex thing. If Quentin didn't want to and they'd each said their peace that was fine with him.

The fact that Eliot didn't push his hand away was a good sign in his book and he nodded. "Ok...I just need to remind myself when it feels like you don't..." He just let that trail off. He wanted to reach out and hug the man, but he held back. It was hard for him because in his gut he wanted to try and fix things for the people he loved, especially when he saw them going through something he really understood like this. He knew it was not something he could fix, but that didn't stop him from wanting to, so all he could do was just make sure he was there. However Eliot needed him. He squeezed his hand again and smiled. "You'll always have me, El. Always."

The next question threw him a little bit and he chewed at his lip as he thought back to that conversation. He'd felt pretty horrible afterward. It was one thing to know he wasn't good enough for Eliot to love...it was entirely another thing to know he wasn't even good enough for Eliot to fuck anymore. And he KNEW that was not what Eliot was saying at all, but that didn't change how it felt to him. Ultimately he just shook his head. "I don't think there is anything more to say on that. Unless something changes, there's not much point to rehashing it." He used his free hand to push his hair back from his face and tucked it behind his ear then leaned over to reach for his drink to sip it again.

He looked down at their still joined hands and again saw that ring. He ran his thumb over it then spoke softly, almost as if he was afraid to bring it up at all. "You haven't taken it off yet..." Okay so it wasn't a question. It was just an observation, but maybe it would prompt an explanation. He could hope.

It wasn't like Eliot had a lot to say about their last conversation either. It had left him feeling rather hurt and confused with Quentin basically saying he didn't know him. If he didn't, who did? Who would even care enough to get to know him? Things had been said, feelings and tension high. And he believed there had been misunderstandings, but the more he tried to explain, the worse things seemed to get. Quentin was hurt and probably feeling some form of rejection because he wouldn't sleep with anymore. Why couldn't he understand that it was because he was afraid of hurting him, his best friend, the one person there who actually cared about him? "Okay, I wanted to make sure." With that he was going to let that topic go and not broach it again.

He looked down when he felt Quentin rub over the ring followed by his statement. No questions, just a statement. Eliot swallowed and gave himself a little time before speaking. He glanced over to his dresser where the collar he had worn was tucked inside a faux silk bag beneath his clothes. He hadn't known what to do with it. Quentin didn't want it back and it didn't seem right to throw it out. "Yeah, I do." He looked back to their hands. "It's like become a part of me." If that made sense. He didn't give it a lot of thought. "It represented feeling safe, protected and cared for." There was no reason for him to lie and he wouldn't. "I can take it off if it bothers you."

The whole idea of just casually sleeping with Eliot was not nearly so devastating to him as the other man might think. He knew what he was getting himself into, so why not? It was fun right? But he couldn't convince Eliot of that and there was not really a point in trying anymore. It had just left both of them upset and hurt. So he just nodded and let the subject drop. He wouldn't bring it up again, but he did kinda wonder if he should start actually trying to meet someone. Then again, he'd never actually tried to meet anyone. Things had just gone from finding a common ground and moved on from there. It wasn't a top priority anyway.

He wondered if there was going to be any more said about the ring, and when it was he had to resist the urge to pull Eliot over into a hug. He wished he could always make the man feel like he was protected and loved and safe. He just smiled a sad little smile. "You should always feel that way, El. And it doesn't bother me that you're wearing it. I was just curious. It looks good on you." As he knew it would. He eyed the ring again then looked away from it and back up to his face. "Do you still have the collar?" Okay so he couldn't resist asking about that. He assumed that he did...or more accurately hoped that he did. Why couldn't they go back to that mentality? He'd felt so much more confident then...why couldn't he always feel like that?

"Thanks, Q." It was a little moment, sincere words and for reasons they would stay with Eliot always. No one could be everything to anyone all the time, but knowing Quentin meant what he said meant a lot. They could fight, be hurt and even be upset, but they always mended things sooner or later. He couldn't say it was that with others in his life.

It surprised him that Quentin asked about the collar. He recalled how adamant he'd been about not wanting it back. That had hurt a little and he wasn't sure why. Eliot stood and walked over to his dresser, opened a drawer and took out the bag. He went back to the bed and sat down then took the collar from the bag and handed it to Quentin. He'd purchased the bag a few days after that whole weird magical time and this was the first time he'd looked at the collar since then.

Quentin hadn’t wanted the collar back, it had been a gift. It symbolized a lot of things for both of them in that weird state of mind they had been in, but he’d meant all of it at the time. He would do it now if he thought Eliot wanted him to, but he didn’t think so. The man had made it clear he didn’t feel the same about him. When it was held out to him he reached up for it and ran his fingers over the words etched in the leather. “This looked good on you too…” He glanced up then back down at the collar in his hands.

It was easy enough to understand why he hadn’t kept the collar on, or so Quentin thought. He wasn’t even sure how to ask about that time. “Do you want to keep this too?” He wanted Eliot to keep it, not because it meant anything anymore, but it had meant so much to both of them in that place. Or maybe he should keep it, so that he had something to remember being that person. He wasn’t sure which one made more sense, so he would leave it for Eliot to decide. Whatever happened, he knew one thing: he did not want it to be destroyed. One of them should have it.
He watched Quentin's fingers move slowly with love and respect over the words etched in the leather, Sir’s Darling Boy.. It was still hard for him to get his head around the roles the had in that time and how comfortable they had felt and been. It always gave him food for thought when the subject was brought up and this time was no different. "I look good in everything." He straightened up with a smile and small chuckle wanting to bring a bit of lightness to the moment.

Eliot sobered up though. He knew Quentin had mixed feelings on whether or not he wanted to keep the collar and that it was easier to let him make the decision. "I want you to keep it. You'll keep it safe." He gave a warm smile then placed the silk bag he'd kept it in on Quentin's knee. It would also be a memento of that time for him, a bittersweet memory, but Eliot felt it was right that he should keep it. He took a deep breath then stood. "I don't know about you, but I could use a drink." The talk had helped some, but in a way it felt like there were things that were still unresolved or unspoken. Maybe they always would be, but they needed to start moving forward.

The smile helped to soothe the slight hurt of Eliot not wanting the collar, even if he knew that wasn’t exactly what was being said. If the mad didn’t want it he would have simply destroyed it or something. They both knew it was special, and meant something. Even if neither one of them was ready (or willing) to name what that something was. He nodded and reached for the bag. After another look at it he slipped the collar back into the bag. He would put it somewhere safe and maybe…nope. He wouldn’t let himself finish that thought. It would never happen anyway.

He looked up when Eliot stood and shook his head with a soft laugh. “I think that might be an understatement. Surprise me, but make mine a double.” Quentin watched him walk over to get their drinks and debated if he wanted to talk about anything else before they got to drinking. He decided not to, this conversation had worn him out more than he wanted to admit. But at least they had sorted some things out.