Sydney
Filtering this because the reason I went through what you're going through is here and I don't want to piss him off because I have to deal with him at Thanksgiving and I promised Bo I'd be nice.
I don't know how much of my story you know, whether you've seen my movies or not. But about a year and a half before I ended up here I ended up losing a lot of people I was in charge of, people I was supposed to keep safe. And in the end I ended up dying to keep them safe. When I came to I had two things going on: survivors guilt and nightmares about what happened those two days. For a while I'd replay bits and pieces of everything that happened and I'd wake up in a cold sweat and it was everything I could do not to go chug down enough whiskey to just pass out. What I did instead was I talked to people. When it hit really hard I got on the phone with someone who would just let me talk and I talked until I felt better. Probably should have gone to a professional but it worked well enough.
It gets easier. I don't have nearly as many nightmares these days. I'm still not completely past it; the first time I watched my movies here I drank so much I got alcohol poisoning. But even here I have people I can talk to and it helps a lot. They may not completely understand, and I honestly hope they never will, but if you can find that here I think it will be a good thing.