I knew this would I've been waiting for So is this
I've told you, I don't know how with them. I can't fix what I've done, betrayals I've made. I can't change any of it. And as I've said before, I wouldn't live my life any differently even if I could do it all over again. I am what I am, and mostly hat's selfish survivalist, Elijah. You knew that. You always have. You knew it back home. You knew it when I came back to Lawrence. You can't say you weren't aware of exactly what I am all along.
As for effort. What reason do I have to try more than the idle chit-chat at social events, Elijah? Any time, any time I have so much as tried to speak to any of your family, except Henrik, all I have been met with is snark, disregard, hate. And yes, maybe it's well-deserved, but it isn't exactly encouraging.
What I have done, or rather the lack of it, has all the same reasons of why I have so few I can call friend here. Because at the end of the day, I am only going to save myself. Because when it's all said and done, I don't regret my past choices and decisions. And honestly, it's just easier to avoid it all. Because I'm selfish and I'm a coward. No matter the strength you think I have, that's what it is, Elijah. It's what I am, what I've always been, and what I will always be. I think the problem is you've only truly begun to realize that, because you tried so hard to believe in me, to believe that girl you once knew is still somewhere in me, like you tried so hard to believe the boy he used to be is still somewhere in Klaus, that you made yourself blind to all the evidence that said it's gone. Perhaps I'm not the only one that has fooled myself into believing my own lies.
There is no way for me to fix what I have done. To your family. To the people here. There is no way for me to gain trust. Not when their minds are already made up. Not when any half-way descent act or words that come from me are only assumed to have some ulterior motive, some hidden agenda. I'm expected to screw up, and generally I have a tendancy to be a self-fulfilling prophecy in that regard. We can call it Katerina's Law. If I can screw it up, I inevitably will.
I don't want you to have to choose between me or them. I wouldn't ask you to. And if it did come to that, I'd expect you to choose them. In fact, I'd be disappointed if you didn't. I can't compete with them and I know that.
And to answer your question with a very hard truth, Elijah? Yes. Survivng? It is. And always will be. My number one priority. I've accepted that about myself. The question now is, can you?