Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscomingcom, @ 2012-04-08 10:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | darcy ainsley, svetlana sergievsky |
Darcy A.
I know that you moved yesterday and I hope it went well, so perhaps this is not the best time. That I should wait until I am calmer and you have settled, but I know if I wait, I may never say anything as this has been on my mind for months yet I have never been able to find the words. I still do not know if I have them but I need to ask you something so just please, hear me out.
Is our friendship even worth working on? Is it even a friendship at all?
I ask because it feels one sided. I did not put much thought into it initially because it is what I am used to. Being the one to offer advice, support yet not ask for it. I have never been open with my feelings. I know this and I know that I am not easy to get to know but I have always been honest. I do not mind being there for you, I enjoy your company. Yet this whole mess with Molokov made me see that I was back in the same habits as I was in Moscow. You wrote the letter and while it did no good because he somehow had the school board on his side, I appreciated it. Yet you never asked if I was okay. I may not come out and say how I am feeling but if asked I will always answer even if it is that I do not know.
I know you have been upset about Clark and Ethan and the future twins and yet despite the threat of Molokov, I still tried to be there for you even though I was distracted. Yet the only person who ever asked if I was okay during this was Freddie. There have been inquiries since Friday from those I may have spoken with yet do not know well yet not from someone who claims they are my friend. Even Florence and still you. He is dead but it could have been me and perhaps that is why I am finally saying something instead of waiting and trying to find the words to avoid upsetting you. Because I am tired. And as I said, I have been wondering about this for months. I know you are closer to Florence and I know you saw Chess and if that is the issue, I cannot change that. But I would never get in the middle of that, to ruin it. Had I wanted to, I could have said something when we first began talking yet I did not. That is not who I am.
It is hard for me to trust, it always has been and I hide behind a mask to protect myself. I could handle this as I always have. Keep you at a distance, not invest my energy and time so much. Because if this is just a repeat of those 'friendships' as in Moscow, I know how it ends.
The difference from Moscow, for me, is that somehow I allowed myself to consider you a friend, which I do not do often or easily. And because of that, this entire situation hurts even if I should be used to it.