InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "valary is hot"

Commander S. Rogers (commanderrogers) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2014-09-14 19:08:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes/the winter soldier, grant ward, steve rogers/captain america

Who: Steve Rogers & Grant Ward (feat: The Winter Soldier)
What: Steve wants to meet with Tony Stark's HYDRA operative to see what he's about; and hopefully to have a reason to talk Bucky out of murdering him a lot.
When: Sunday Night, 8pm
Where: Roadhouse Bar
Status: In Progress
Rating: PG-13. Mentions of WWII, War Crimes, War violence, Nazis. You get the idea. -- Also some discussion of some modern day politics that really piss off Captain America.
Soundtrack: Going Out West - Tom Waits

Steve believed in second chances, and offering one to Grant was no exception. Tony seemed adamant about vouching for him, and that went a long way him, but it wouldn't go as far with Bucky, and there was honestly no way to convince Barnes that this was a good idea unless he could do it himself. It meant that he had to believe Grant's story, and honestly he wanted to.

Nick Fury had told him many times over that the face of war had changed. That battles weren't fought in trenches where men had to climb over the bodies of their dead friends on a Captain's orders. There weren't front lines like there used to be, no clear picture of who the enemy was. Evil, really, had just gotten a lot more subtle as it tried to survive, but that didn't mean that it had changed. In Steve's mind, evil meant one thing and one thing only: the oppression of freedom. Taking away the rights and liberties of anyone for any reason. And it took many forms -- the lack of opportunities or resources for those stricken with poverty, the involvement of the government in people's religious freedoms, who they could marry, how they received health care -- in Cap's eyes, it was all bad and it all needed to be changed. The American ideals that he'd carried into battle as close to his chest as the white star on his uniform just didn't seem as prominent in the future he was a part of as he'd hoped they be, and that was hard for him. Knowing that he'd fought; that Bucky had lost so much fighting -- for a country that seemed to have lost sight of what was most important -- that was hard for him.

Facing down an enemy that he thought he'd left in Germany half a century ago though, that wasn't. HYDRA might have gotten more skilled at hiding their sickening, fascist mentality, but that didn't mean he couldn't recognize if for what it was, and it didn't mean he didn't know what to do about. Theirs was a way of thinking that needed to be defeated, plain and simple. It was up to them whether that meant they needed to be saved, or needed to be stopped. Right now, that decision was up to Grant Ward, and whatever decision he made, Steve was going to make the option he chose as easy for him as possible.

It was half past seven when he got to the bar, Bucky arriving a short time before and situating himself in a back corner with a beer. There was no way that Barnes would let him come alone, but he trusted Bucky not to make a move unless he asked him to, that's what they agreed to. Right now, his interest in hearing Grant's side of the story was genuine, right now how this evening went was entirely up to Ward. Steve ordered himself two pints, one to down and one to nurse. It didn't matter, really, he couldn't get drunk no matter how many he had, but waiting made him thirsty.

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notanazi
2014-09-15 12:18 am UTC (link)

Ward had thought about this tactically. Damon Salvatore was nearby. Not in the bar. But near enough that he could extract him if this got messy. Ultimately he hoped it didn't. There really was no need for it to. He knew how Rogers felt about HYDRA but he'd tell him what he'd told Stark. It had never been about the saluting and world domination. It had been for Garrett. Of course it had also been pointed out to him he was trained to lie, trained to manipulate and deceive and he couldn't deny the truth in that. But in the end, if he ever wanted Skye to look at him with anything other than utter disgust this is how it had to be. He had to start to account for the things he'd done, if not apologise for them.

But Captain America. Even Ward had respect for the guy. He'd heard the things he'd done, heard he'd stopped the Hellicarriers in their tracks. And more than that he knew he'd been instrumental that day in New York.

Unlike Cap, he didn't order a drink when he finally reached the roadhouse. He wanted nothing that would impede his thoughts, make him slip up, say something he hadn't meant to. He was here, not to make friends with Rogers, but just to keep him from doing what he usually did to HYDRA. He spotted the guy instantly when he got there, hard to miss someone that famous really.

"Captain Rogers, Didn't actually think you'd agree to meet." he said simply, moving to sit opposite him. He found it strange not to have an act, another persona, another Grant Ward, a facade to hide behind. Truth was he figured Rogers wouldn't buy it. He was here for answers. Ward wouldn't hide from the truth here.

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commanderrogers
2014-09-15 12:41 am UTC (link)

Rogers extended a hand to Grant in greeting. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't think you would either."

While Steve was certainly motivated by his desire to uphold and promote freedom in any way that was possible for him to, he was hardly just a mouth piece and a uniform. As far as he was concerned, Captain America stopped with the posters, and while he appreciated what his image and what the Star Spangled Man had come to symbolize, that wasn't who he was. If Captain America gave people hope, if it earned there respect, that was good -- but if Steve couldn't communicate and connect with the people who needed that hope, needed help the most than he wasn't worth the the stitches in the uniform he wore. A uniform he wasn't wearing right now. It had seemed a bit much after all, and he felt a lot better about opting for a leather jacket and a cotton T-shirt.

"But I'm glad you could make it."

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notanazi
2014-09-15 01:01 am UTC (link)

There was of course a moments hesitation before he returned the handshake but Ward figured Cap for having more honor than that. Enough to hear him out at least before deciding what move to make next. He was being polite, willing to listen, Ward just wasn't sure he knew where to start, what he wanted to hear, which was an unusual situation for someone like him.

"What would be the point in not? You want to know my motives, want to know if there's an agenda. And sure, maybe back home I'd have been able to work a way around this but here, you can see my whole damn life story on the tv if you wanted."

He didn't think he'd ever stop resenting that, he didn't know if Cap had seen it, if it was something the man would do before meeting him. Know your enemy and all that. He didn't think so but then this guy was suprisingly hard to read. That or he actually meant this second chance thing.

"I didn't sign up out of SHIELD. I was always in SHIELD as a means to an end. But believe it or not that end wasn't HYDRA, not really. I was there for someone else, someone high up who didn't give a damn about their whole endgame, about Insight any of it, I didn't know about Insight till you blew it out of the sky. I'm not just another Nazi. I can promise you that."

Next would come the hard part. Explaining why he did it. Why he'd knowingly gone into SHIELD ready to betray, to kill at a moments notice. Explaining John Garrett meant explaining his past, his childhood. His brother.

"I was there on the order of a man who saved me from a life of nothing. Saved me from being a weak scared kid who'd grow up to be a pathetic lowlife. I owed him and he was dying. He was slowly falling apart because SHIELD left him to die after he'd served them half his life. Left him with nothing, no extraction, half dead. I was there to find a way to save that man. No matter the price."

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commanderrogers
2014-09-15 01:36 am UTC (link)

Rogers took a sip from his second pint glass while he listened, but besides that he didn't react to anything that Ward was telling him, as he tried to decide if he was surprised or wasn't. Not by what Grant was saying, but how easy it was to relate.

It was no secret that he barely trusted SHIELD, he'd been skeptical since they'd pulled him out of the Atlantic, and those suspicions grew when he uncovered the weapons in the Helicarrier, and Nick Fury's leadership -- while he respected the man -- exactly in line with his own. But there was more to it than that. Because at the end of the day, he knew what it was like to follow someone, to find a way to save them no matter the cost. He'd tried and failed to enlist in the war, but once Bucky had left New York, failure was no longer an option for him. He'd have gone overseas after him if he had to lie, cheat and beg his way on board a ship. When he'd learned that Bucky had been captured by HYDRA, nothing had stood in his way to bring him back. And when he'd learned the truth about the Winter Soldier, well, he'd rather have let Barnes kill him then take him out. There were things that you did for the people who meant something to you that went beyond reason and he knew that.

"You know, I know something about being a weak, scared kid. And I know something about clinging to the one person who makes a difference in your life. And I also know that SHIELD can be a whole lot of bullshit, and betray it's own people for some 'greater good' which I don't agree with, I've seen them do it, just as I've seen armies abandon their own men as an acceptable loss. It's not right, it's never been right, and it's infuriating, I understand that." Steve leaned back in the booth. He wasn't going to tell Ward he was manipulated, he didn't think he was. He also didn't really think he'd been brainwashed. He knew what that did to someone, he knew how that stripped someone of who they were and who they wanted to be. He'd seen it done to Bucky, and he really didn't think that was the case with Grant. This man, Ward, had taken the only opportunity that was available to him and unfortunately for him, and unfortunately for everyone else, the hand that had offered him help came from the wrong side. "Loyalty can be a very powerful thing, but at some point, you had to know what what you were doing was wrong, and the fact that you did it for someone else doesn't excuse that choice. I know that you know that."

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notanazi
2014-09-15 02:04 am UTC (link)

Well that was not what he'd expected. He'd expected to be yelled at, insulted, called a traitor. Frankly, not being told he was wrong for his choices, by either side, it was new to him. Even Stark, he was giving him a shot, sure. But he'd always be wary. Ward knew why of course, expected it. And of course Rogers knew about being a weak scared kid, you didn't live on that Bus with Coulson for ten months and not know every detail of Rogers life story. But this, he didn't quite know how to react, instead shifting in his seat slightly, more than a little uncomfortable with the turn in the conversation. Not because it was bad, but because it wasn't.

"Of course I knew it was wrong, not right away if I'm honest. I knew I was going in double agent from the start but I knew what I needed to know. What I needed for the mission, no more no less, because it was safer that way if I was compromised. It was easier. Obviously, you join SHIELD and you get the talk, Red Skull, Zola, Nazi's. They talked about HYDRA's defeat and I knew the truth. And I knew one day it'd come to light but that wasn't my mission. And if you mean the people I killed, I'm fairly sure I killed as many for SHIELD as for HYDRA. I'm a Specialist. I go in, I get done what needs to get done. That was the job, as much for SHIELD as anything else. I've been undercover for so long for both sides and it hadn't been until this last mission, until Coulson and his team that it felt different. It's the first time I felt bad about it, about any of it and I know its a weakness, I know its Skye and its that team and even talking to you now its just adding to it. But when I was told to cross them off, it felt different. It wasn't just a job anymore."

He'd said it, and a part of him hated himself, hated how weak he had to look in front of Rogers. He could hear Garrett telling him to shut up, keep his pride if nothing else. He remembered cold nights, training to be strong, training to be something other than a miserable child with nothing and no one in the world. He'd made himself strong, hell he'd made himself exceptional. And for what? For this.

He found he'd tensed, hands clenched, nails digging into the palm of his hand. Unconciously. He knew it was all there for Rogers to watch if he wanted but saying it, thinking it even. It felt like betrayal.

Coulson's team had been so simple at first, get in, assess, seduce May, save the scientist, become Skye's S.O, give Coulson a project. But it had changed, little by little until the orders changed.

And he'd gone back to Garrett because he owed him everything. Because in the end that's what had to matter.

"You knew Coulson died in New York. And he did. He died, he was dead for days, and they brought him back, something Fury had up his sleeve. Garrett wanted to know how. Wanted the same for himself, he wanted to live. Wanted to use SHIELD like it had used him. Call it what you like, but they destroyed him long before he ever signed up to HYDRA. I don't regret helping him, people can call me a traitor, that's fine. But truth is, I was loyal from the start. Just not to SHIELD, and not to HYDRA. You need to know I'm not excusing anything I've done. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not sorry. How could I be? And tell me, when it boils down to it, what have I done thats any worse than Barton, or Fury, or Romanoff."

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commanderrogers
2014-09-15 02:27 am UTC (link)

"You're right, you haven't, and SHIELD is no better and no different than HYDRA. Maybe that's because they were in bed together for so long, or maybe it isn't. SHIELD -- SHIELD lost sight of what it was built for a long time ago, and I know that. I didn't just take down the Helicarriers to stop Project Insight, I wanted it all to burn because it all needed to. It wasn't a system that was working, it wasn't protecting people, it was keeping secrets, it was deciding who had the right to know what, who had the right to live and who didn't -- that isn't freedom. That isn't protecting and defending those that need it. That's nothing but fighting a war instead of finding a solution. It was all wrong, and it all had to go." Steve glanced past Ward's shoulder for a moment, not really looking for Bucky, just making sure that he was still in the same place before he focused his attention back on Ward.

"Maybe if it was a better system, Garrett wouldn't have had to resort to what he did. Maybe the plans that were laid out for you would have been different, but we can't operate on maybes. What we can operate on is this." Steve lifted his hand and pointed it at Ward's chest. "That's what makes the difference. And I'm going to tell you something because it's important. That feeling you got? That feeling that that time -- with Coulson, his team -- that it was different? That's a feeling you should trust. It's a feeling that saved my life. Bucky Barnes fought decades of hard programming because he felt different, he didn't kill me and he didn't leave me to die because regardless of what he knew, what he thought and what he couldn't remember, he felt something and he acted on it."

He lowered his hand and wrapped it around his glass, pausing long enough to take another drink. "It's different, I know it's different, because I had loyalty on my side when it came to what Bucky felt, and I'm not about to compare you to him. But what you feel -- "

Steve shook his head, he got a read off of Ward, off of how difficult it was for him to admit that he'd felt something for Coulson's team, and he was running with it. "That tells me that you're a good person, Ward, or at least you're capable of being one if you choose to be. Your heart isn't a weakness, you're not a HYDRA agent, you're not a SHIELD agent -- they're both gone now and you have nothing to look to but what's inside of you, what you want and what it means to you. Maybe it's time you put your trust in it."

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notanazi
2014-09-15 02:59 am UTC (link)

Ward laughed, he couldn't help it, comparing him to Bucky Barnes of all people. The famed Winter Soilder. There was nothing at all that linked them. Barnes had been made into a dammed HYDRA lab rat, made into a machine and dragged out of cryo whenever they needed someone dead. He'd never failed, not until the Triskelion. And he'd vanished.

"Is that what Stark told you? That I was brainwashed like Barnes was? That I was something Garrett made? I'm nothing like him. I saw, just once. Maybe 6 years ago, I was there when they pulled him out for a mission. Garrett wanted to show me. And no, I didn't ask questions. I didn't try to stop them. Maybe someone else would have done differently, but I was never that guy. I saw what they made him and I know its different, no matter what Stark has decided makes it easier not to hate me like the others do. I chose to help John, chose to save him and yeah I knew what it meant to make that choice."

He couldn't do this. Couldn't be told to trust his heart. He'd spent so dammed long convincing himself he needed to bury it. Needed to push it all down, that weakness that had kept his dog alive when he'd been ordered by Garrett to shoot it, to prove he was stronger. The weakness that was his feelings for Skye. Dangerous. But there all the same. Rogers was asking him to stop denying that, to choose something different, but what was there? What did he want? Really there was only one thing.

"I want Skye." he said finally, suddenly horrified that Damon was in earshot of any of this. He felt exposed, confused. He hated it. "You said to trust in what I want, she's what I want and there's nothing that will make her see me as anything other than a monster. She saw what I was willing to do, what I had to do --"

She'd called him a good person too once, before she knew the truth. He'd tried to prepare her, told her there were things she wouldn't like about him, but she'd been so convinced and it had been so easy to let her be. He knew even then his feelings for her were stronger than hers for him, but he would have convicned her. He could have.

He shook his head, still trying to fathom how this had gone so confusingly wrong. Oh he had his life, he hadn't been punched across a room yet. Generally it was better than he'd expected. But there was more Rogers needed to know before deciding Ward should follow his heart and skip on his merry way.

"There's something else." he added, his mind focused on the memories of that day in Panem. And further back, the Asgardian bitch Lorelai, using him, making him hers, making him weak. Making him nothing. The arrogance of their people, it had disgusted him. Lead him to an action he'd taken alone. Free of orders, his first thought had been murder. Revenge of a sort.

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notanazi
2014-09-15 02:59 am UTC (link)

"I killed Loki." he said simply. "He's here, from before New York. Before New Mexico even. Made a lot of friends, they say he helps them. I say he's as arrogant as the rest of his people. I got here, I told him I'd never trust him, never forgive him, because whatever else I am, if you think I betrayed Coulson, I didn't do to him what Loki did, and what happened in New York, what he did, its beyond anything I'm capable of at my worst. He used our world as a plaything. Used it to hurt his brother. And you don't just wake up one day like that, its in you. So the seal, it took us away, to a world where those with power had it taken from them. They wanted us to fight, to die. Wanted one winner. For the most part we played it safe, but I could see it then, the arrogance. And I thought maybe, if he was humbled, if he understood what it was to suffer then maybe that would stop. I knew there was a possibility he'd come back, the seal it sometimes decides its not your time. But I knew for a fact he'd suffer. And so I convinced him I was willing to work with him, grudgingly, I fed him poison berries and I watched him die. No orders to do it, no one else. I decided. Followed my heart. So tell me Captain America, still think I have a heart worth a damn?"

Part of him wanted Rogers to take it all back, to tell him there was no redemption, no coming back from it. No heart worth saving. No chance with Skye. Fighting him would hurt, he'd lose, he knew that. Maybe, just maybe he'd go a round or two before. But he couldn't win, it would be inevitible and it would be familiar. You fail, you survive until you learn. You let them hit in the hope you'll learn to hit harder one day. It was easier than believing he was worth saving. Than thinking Skye would ever look at him and not see a monster.

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commanderrogers
2014-09-15 03:28 am UTC (link)

Steve put his elbow on the table and crushed his mouth against his knuckles as he listened to Ward talk. Really talk, and probably say a lot that he wasn't expecting to say at this, or any meeting. He tapped on the side of his glass with his free hand as he tried to think of what to do next, of what to say next. It wasn't hard to decide, not really. But he was weighing his options, because he also had a pretty good idea about what Ward wanted him to say, and that wasn't exactly what he had in mind.

"Do you want me to be shocked? Do you want me to tell you that killing someone -- that killing Loki because he hurt your friends -- because he murdered Coulson -- makes you a bad person? Because I can't do that. You said it yourself, didn't you? That you haven't done anything that Fury, hasn't, that Barton hasn't, but listen. Listen." This was a hard decision to make, not because he hadn't already made up his mind, but because drawing attention to the fact they weren't alone wasn't one what he'd wanted to unless he had to. "You know, I didn't come here alone, because there was someone who wouldn't let me. Someone who shot and killed people to protect me long before HYDRA ever got hold of him, someone who would kill you now if I so much as gave the word -- and I have never thought less of him a day for it. Turn around, if you want, take a look. You'll recognise him. I believed that he was worth saving, I believe that he should always trust his heart, why would I think any different of you?"

Steve downed the rest of his glass and slid to the edge of the bench, getting to his feet. He took his wallet out and dropped the money on the table with a hefty tip. He didn't have a lot on him, but that didn't matter. He'd figured the money situation out later. Probably around the same time he worked out where he could get a motorcycle. "But I can't change what anyone else sees when they look at you, and you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to. But if you don't want people to see you as a monster, Grant? Then you prove you're not. That's it. You prove it. It won't be easy -- it wasn't easy for Natasha, it hasn't been easy for Bucky. But right now? He's not going to kill you, and that's his choice. It's not an order, it's not my call. It's his choice. And he's making it so you can make yours. What happens now is up to you."

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notanazi
2014-09-15 08:45 am UTC (link)

He hadn't been expecting it. He hadn't been expecting to be told what he'd done with Loki wasn't a shocking thing, wasn't a terrible thing. He'd explained it all and he hadn't gotten near the reaction he thought. But then of course he followed it up with an even bigger bombshell.

When Rogers mentioned to him to turn around. He should have known there was more to this. And there he was, someone that yeah, would kill him at a word. Probably wanted to more than anything. Anything HYDRA. Truth be told he couldn't blame the guy after what Pierce and probably more beforehand had used him for. He couldn't help but sit up slightly as he turned back round. Again a fight he couldn't win if it came to it, this city was annoyingly full of those, and much as he now knew Rogers wouldn't let it come to that, it didn't make the situation any less tense.

"He's here. Of course he's here. He's why you needed to talk to me, why you needed to see if I was worth a shot, right? Because he wants me dead. Because he remembers me. How can you be sure he's not gonna come at me down the line."

He made it seem so simple. Prove he was something else. Prove he was worthy of it when he'd never been worthy of much of anything outside of what John had taught him to be. He'd heard Cap could sway people to believe in him and all, but Ward knew how it would go, even if he did try to be something different. He'd always take second place to Loki in certain peoples minds, and he'd never have Skye. He couldn't. People said give it time, he honestly didn't think there was time enough.

"Must be nice to have someone believe in you" he said simply. "I'm not gonna say it'll be different, that I'll suddenly wake up one day regretting my past. But you asked what I want, and I told you. And if that means a change then its worth it. She's worth it." With her, for the first time, he'd felt something more than the cold disdain for a society that had failed him. With her, he'd felt like he could be better. Even if it had been a lie.

Ward still hadn't moved from the bench. He was gonna wait till they'd gone. Drink something with more alcohol than was probably healthy. Then probably go over this conversation a million and one times, work through everything he'd said. Make a choice. Prove he wasn't the monster he was thought to be.

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