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Grant Ward is not a true believer (notanazi) wrote in wariscoming,

Well that was not what he'd expected. He'd expected to be yelled at, insulted, called a traitor. Frankly, not being told he was wrong for his choices, by either side, it was new to him. Even Stark, he was giving him a shot, sure. But he'd always be wary. Ward knew why of course, expected it. And of course Rogers knew about being a weak scared kid, you didn't live on that Bus with Coulson for ten months and not know every detail of Rogers life story. But this, he didn't quite know how to react, instead shifting in his seat slightly, more than a little uncomfortable with the turn in the conversation. Not because it was bad, but because it wasn't.

"Of course I knew it was wrong, not right away if I'm honest. I knew I was going in double agent from the start but I knew what I needed to know. What I needed for the mission, no more no less, because it was safer that way if I was compromised. It was easier. Obviously, you join SHIELD and you get the talk, Red Skull, Zola, Nazi's. They talked about HYDRA's defeat and I knew the truth. And I knew one day it'd come to light but that wasn't my mission. And if you mean the people I killed, I'm fairly sure I killed as many for SHIELD as for HYDRA. I'm a Specialist. I go in, I get done what needs to get done. That was the job, as much for SHIELD as anything else. I've been undercover for so long for both sides and it hadn't been until this last mission, until Coulson and his team that it felt different. It's the first time I felt bad about it, about any of it and I know its a weakness, I know its Skye and its that team and even talking to you now its just adding to it. But when I was told to cross them off, it felt different. It wasn't just a job anymore."

He'd said it, and a part of him hated himself, hated how weak he had to look in front of Rogers. He could hear Garrett telling him to shut up, keep his pride if nothing else. He remembered cold nights, training to be strong, training to be something other than a miserable child with nothing and no one in the world. He'd made himself strong, hell he'd made himself exceptional. And for what? For this.

He found he'd tensed, hands clenched, nails digging into the palm of his hand. Unconciously. He knew it was all there for Rogers to watch if he wanted but saying it, thinking it even. It felt like betrayal.

Coulson's team had been so simple at first, get in, assess, seduce May, save the scientist, become Skye's S.O, give Coulson a project. But it had changed, little by little until the orders changed.

And he'd gone back to Garrett because he owed him everything. Because in the end that's what had to matter.

"You knew Coulson died in New York. And he did. He died, he was dead for days, and they brought him back, something Fury had up his sleeve. Garrett wanted to know how. Wanted the same for himself, he wanted to live. Wanted to use SHIELD like it had used him. Call it what you like, but they destroyed him long before he ever signed up to HYDRA. I don't regret helping him, people can call me a traitor, that's fine. But truth is, I was loyal from the start. Just not to SHIELD, and not to HYDRA. You need to know I'm not excusing anything I've done. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not sorry. How could I be? And tell me, when it boils down to it, what have I done thats any worse than Barton, or Fury, or Romanoff."