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Tweak says, "Has Lost been cancelled yet?"

Caitlin Snow/Killer Frost (frostandsnow) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2010-09-25 14:47:00

Entry tags:

castiel, ruby

WHO: Ruby and Castiel
WHAT: Angst isn't just for the humans you know
WHERE: Downtown Park
WHEN: Late Afternoon
RATING: Should be low. A for Angst
STATUS: In Progress

As weeks went this had been a strange one and Ruby wasn't sure she liked it. Dean had died and had come back. Sam had been so strange with her and once again she hadn't been able to call him on it, not completely. They'd talked about it but she'd found herself wondering how she'd changed so much in a year, From the demon Dean without his memories of the last year remembered, the demon that he had been entirely right about as it happened she found herself now so different, she was in love with a Hunter, calling an Angel a friend. It was one thing after another and she didn't know if she was doing it right. Any of it. And maybe she really was dragging them down. It was a matter of public record what she'd done to Sam and less public was Castiel telling her he was falling, slowly maybe but he was loosing his power, cut off from heaven. And Ruby wasn't arrogant enough to think that was all because of her but maybe some of it was. Just possibly some of his issues were because they were friends. Was that part of it?

It worried her more than a little, and then she worried about worrying. Because she never used to care, she was so used to not caring. To not having people in her life this close. Not that it was a bad thing, Sam had changed her life. But it was different, it was strange and she didn't know how to deal with it completely. So she'd settled it by going for a walk. Just wandered for quite a while, not running away, no she wasn't going to do that again, she was too content and happy with what she had, even with the strangeness of what she was and with his family, his mother, father and grandfather, and weren't they the worrying ones, especially John who wasn't ever known for his patience with demons that messed with his family. Ruby was most definitely that, she'd done horrible things at Azazel's order and she'd done it without question, even enjoyed it cause of what it would mean for the world. Cause Azazel had told her it was a good idea and he was never wrong. He'd be so disgusted with her if he could see her now. She could understand why, everything she'd done, not to mention the entire wrongness of her friendship with Cas, it was all worth it in the end.

She'd reached a body of water, nothing fancy, just a pond in a park. But there was a bench nearby and so Ruby decided to stop for a while and think through the craziness that was her life now, she wasn't used to it yet that was all. To worry, and caring and emotion and humanity

It was all so confusing but she'd get there, she had to.

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cas_is_confused
2010-09-25 02:44 pm UTC (link)

One the scale of ‘adjustment to being human’ Ruby no doubt had a few more notches down than Castiel, though whether there was even the coldest of cold comfort to be taken in that was debatable. It was perhaps a measure of just how far he’d fallen, the fact that neither of the two conversations in which Cas had been absorbed – the (admittedly rather one-sided) discussion with his Father (which had started calmly enough and descended fairly rapidly into a dishevelled figure in a blooded trenchcoat yelling at the sky, one voice among millions petitioning an absent father, just another drunken hobo on another park bench under another uncaring sky) nor the dialogue with Gabriel – had done much to help him. The news of Dean’s resurrection was of course marvellous, but also troubling in regards to who it was who’d brought him back, and why, and to what end they’d decided it was better if Dean did not remember. The less said about the plans which had been made before said marvellous resurrection the better.

Castiel had always liked parks. He could, of course, remember when the world was all wild and green - before the rise of villages, towns, cities, before urban sprawl – and it had pleased him to think that the humans preserved some small scraps of that, recognised the necessity of surrounding themselves with even a tiny taste of the glory of his Father’s creation. Now, though, wandering through this one brought little pleasure because it wasn’t the raw creation he’d taken it for when observing; the lines were too neat, the staggering of the plants too ordered and numerical, the orders not to walk absurd. Was that what humans did, reduce things down? It was what they had done to him, certainly.

He had not expected to find Ruby here.

If his failure to find pleasure in conversing with his Family was proof of how far he’d fallen, then maybe the faint sting of guilt on seeking to confide in a demon again was proof that there was some way yet to go. Or perhaps it was merely the recognition that she no doubt had troubles of her own and did not need his burdens, because they had to have transcended the silly concerns of race by now. Lord knew, they’d been ignoring them long enough.

Stopping next to the bench, hands buried deep in his pockets, he nodded to the space beside her. “Is this seat taken?”

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frostandsnow
2010-09-25 02:59 pm UTC (link)

Ruby had believed in Castiel's Father, it was foolish not to when she had undeniable proof he had existed, even as a mortal she was sure she'd believed because that was what was done. But at some time, she didn't remember when or even really how, that changed. And she'd given herself to other gods, other powers. And it had burned and shaped her soul into what it was now. It was twisted and broken but it was still something. Or so she was told. And she was learning she could still feel, still love. She just wondered sometimes how God could let demons happen. How he could let Lucifer do what he'd done to his creation and how he hadn't looked down to one young confused and angry Germanic girl who could have used him. It wasn't bitterness. It was just fact.

She'd tried praying before, not long after she'd started to consider Cas a friend. But nothing had come of it then, and nothing would if she tried it now, it was a stupid plan, so she didn't understand at all why she'd found herself sitting on a park bench and wishing that she could be normal so Sam could be with her, so she wouldn't find it so confusing to be humane all the time, why her mind sometimes still went to the weaknesses in people rather than the good things about them. So she tried again. Not speaking the prayer, that would be ridiculous. Just...thinking. Thinking very loudly at a God that wouldn't listen.

It was why she jumped nearly halfway off the bench when Castiel arrived next to her, she could still...sense his grace, smell it maybe. It took a little effort for her to keep her eyes from shifting to black, but he was her friend, he wasn't about to hurt her. He was here...why was he here? Had he heard her? That would have been more than a little embarassing. She looked up once she'd recovered a bit. "Startled me..." she said simply, "But no, the seat is free, sit down" she told him looking him over as she did. He looked about as happy as she felt, and maybe just as confused.

"Looking to talk angel?" she said laughing a little in spite of herself. It was a strange situation their friendship. She supposed it always would be.

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cas_is_confused
2010-09-25 04:16 pm UTC (link)

Cas averted his eyes, Ruby’s moment of panic still uncomfortable to watch, smacking of an invasion of privacy for reasons he couldn’t quite explain. It was a shame there was nothing he could do to make his presence less troubling for her; from his perspective the shift from demon-demon-demon to void, the Enochian wards doing their job admirably, had definitely made tolerating proximity much easier, tuning the constant sense of bad, wrong, smite! down from an insistent throb to a dull background hum. Still, if Gabriel was to be believed it would not be a problem for much longer.

“No” he replied, matter-of-fact – some would say blunt – as ever, his voice rougher than usual because he’d done the talking thing to death, as he took up the seat next to her with a weary smile. Talking, like most of those curiously human solutions, did not help matters.

For a long moment he simply watched, gazing out across the small pond, allowing the silence to become uncomfortable – and when, exactly, had he started noticing that? Perhaps it was the absence of The Song which made the silence sit so wrong.

“… how is Sam?”

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frostandsnow
2010-09-25 06:19 pm UTC (link)

He was a strange one sometimes, which she supposed she should have expected. He was an angel after all and all she'd ever expected of them on the times she'd considered since discovering they existed. Well no, that wasn't true. She'd never considered that she'd wind up seeing him as a friend. As someone who understood how weird humans were sometimes, and occasionally participated in credit card theft to go drinking. That was possibly the strangest one of all.

And yet he wasn't looking to talk now. That was fine, they could just sit in the strange not very comfortable silence that they found between them. She'd sat through worse in her long life. Like operas, pointless boring Italian Operas, that had been a strange order. But the Duke had in fact been a Hunter and not expected the pretty young debutaunte he'd bedded to go black eyed and slice his throat. Mostly for the Opera.

The silence was broken between demon and angel when he asked about Sam, he always brought a smile to her face when mentioned like that. It never failed, she supposed that was more of the sappy emotional love stuff. "Sam's good now...doing better, the Dean stuff...it nearly broke him but he's strong. He's a fighter and he'll come through everything and be better for it." It was true as well, he was gonna come through this fine. She believed it completely.

"...Dean not remembering is going to complicate things. Can we get him knowing Ruby is not for shooting?" she asked with a shrug, "Not pretending we were ever friends but he tolerated me. Not so sure he'll do that without a years memories. He doesn't even know you that much. How're you doing with that by the way?" Dean was his charge. He'd fallen from heaven to keep him safe and now he was barely in his memory at all. It had to suck.

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cas_is_confused
2010-09-26 10:42 pm UTC (link)

That she could smile like that when thinking about a human (ignoring, for the moment, the lingering debate about whether that term truly fitted whatever Sam Winchester was or wasn’t) still never failed to surprise him. It was one of the things, no doubt, that went no small way to proving that she wasn’t just another demon. Sincerity was, he’d learned, not exactly easy to fake. “I am… glad. I was worried he would do something stupid.”

His own investment in the fate of Sam Winchester confused him somewhat; obviously if anything happened to him it would hurt his charge, but that had never been a concern before now because the younger Winchester was an abomination. It was, like everything else about humans, complicated.

The less said about the various stupid plans made prior to Dean’s return from the grave the better, though. Better to focus on the now, on the issues she’d raised. To say his forgetting was problematic was something of an understatement. “I’ll endeavour to convince him that you are not for shooting. Or stabbing.”

- how, exactly, he was going to do that when Dean didn’t remember who he was he didn’t know, but he’d find a way. Somehow. Presumably Sam would be working to the same end. It probably wasn’t right to envy the Abomination either, but Castiel did, or at least envied the fact there was no way Dean could forget him.

Her question made him frown, and he glanced out across the pond again, biting his lip in thought before answering - “It is… difficult.” – bowing his head wearily. “Dean remembers me only as ‘the thing that burned out Pamela Barnes’ eyes’” – and it was hard, harder than he’d expected, to keep from sounding bitter. He was pretty sure he’d failed in that regard. But if anyone had a right to be… ‘pissed’, he supposed, would be the most opportune word, if anyone was entitled to be really pissed off at having been forgotten, then by this point it was him. The irony wasn’t quite lost on him either – having to prove himself again when he’d barely any angelic tools at his disposal because of the things he'd done out of trust in and - yes, there was no shame in admitting - love, or if not 'love' the ways humans understood it then respect, for that impossible creature. “I am not sure how I will persuade him otherwise if he does not regain his memories.”

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frostandsnow
2010-09-27 07:10 am UTC (link)

Cas was worried?! Ruby had barely been able to focus for the worry, but it was all fine now, or...well not fine. But better. "So was I, but it worked out. Not great or anything but its something right?" The fact that he seemed to care such a lot about the boy he called 'Abomination' wasn't lost on Ruby. She understood how hard it must have been and while she couldn't think of Dean in anything close to the same way she knew it was important that Cas cared for the brothers. Both of them. Everything he'd done for Dean, she remembered it, Sam did too, but it had gone, faded from Dean's memory and Ruby couldn't help but wonder if it was something heaven had done. Zachariah perhaps having found another way to get at Castiel as revenge.

It was possible, and Ruby had a sneaking suspicion it was true. It made her feel awful for Castiel though. She only needed to look at him to know it angered him, confused him too. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair, and her annoyance at having to explain her switching sides to Dean again was little by comparison. "...I remember?" she tried, "Sam remembers. Sure its Hells Poster Boy and his demon girlfriend but its something isn't it. Dean will listen to Sam, and no, its not fair. In fact it sucks beyond the telling but you're not going to change it. You'll just have to build a friendship again. You're not the same angel you were back then and no I don't mean the powers. I mean...you're different. And Dean is going to see that"

Maybe. Hopefully. Dean was a moron after all. But maybe he'd actually wake up and realise everything Castiel had done for him over the last year. If he didn't Ruby might just slap him. In fact she might see about slapping him anyway. All in the name of fixing his amnesia. "He'll be persuaded Cas, there are ways, there are things we can do. He won't forget you just like that"

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cas_is_confused
2010-09-28 08:29 pm UTC (link)

The floor, Cas had discovered, could be incredibly interesting. The correlation between said interest and the degree of awkwardness was only just beginning to dawn on him, but the instinct was there already, and he glanced down as Ruby spoke. It wasn’t that he failed to appreciate what she was trying to do, reassuring him that she and Sam would ensure he was not forgotten, that Dean would remember or come to understand or fail to do both but build a friendship regardless. It was just… well, he had had his share of miracles already, hadn’t he? He had come back from the grave. Next to that, what right did he have to ask for Dean’s friendship?

“We have more important things to worry about” he concluded, a little sharply perhaps, once the long awkward pause had been quite exhausted. “Perhaps it’s better Dean remains suspicious of the angels” – no, Ruby was not the only one sensing Zachariah’s hand in all this. What was a reset Dean if not a perfect opportunity to try again, to mould him into everything the Righteous Man should have been, everything Dean left to his own devices wasn’t? A chance to make him relive every hurt, every one of Sam’s secrets and lies, every betrayal, every revelation about his own role in things. There was a time, no doubt, when Castiel himself would have thought the solution elegant, maybe even beautiful. Now it made him sick to his stomach.

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frostandsnow
2010-09-29 12:01 pm UTC (link)

His answer when it came was sharp. Ruby knew that tone. It was the tone that said 'drop it'. And coming from him to her she found it unusual enough. But if he really didn't want to focus on the loss of his friendship with his charge then she would move on. Which she supposed was learning and growing as a person. She'd never have cared before. Of course it was highly unlikely she'd have been sitting on a park bench with an Angel a year ago either worrying about how likely Cas's words were to be true. It would make sense if Zach had done it, there was a beautiful cruelty to it.

"Making him forget..." she said, right then, so much the demon she was. "He'll have to learn again, about the blood, about Sam and me, about Lucifer being free. Its a hell of a tactic. Cruel but not just to Dean, it hits all of us, you, Sam. You angels really don't just sit on clouds wearing dipers with harps and arrows do you? Its what I would have believed when I was alive isn't it. Wrathful angels to make us Godfearing"

Not that Ruby knew anything about her past. She could have been that, she could have been a freaking nun for all she knew before she was a witch. She sort of doubted it though. That would have been silly. All she knew was if she'd had the resources and power to pull off what Zachariah had done to Dean she'd have done it. Before she'd been with Sam obviously. She'd never hurt Sam like that.

"What do they want Dean so bad for, Cas? Didn't he do his job and break the first seal? Wasn't that it for him?"

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