InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "My dog ate my sanity"

Jenny Schecter (dont_f_withme) wrote in vas_captio_rpg,
@ 2009-07-24 00:28:00

Entry tags:

!dropped, day 16, jenny schecter, l lawliet, location: carnival

Day 16: 11:00PM
Who: Jenny Schecter & OTA
What: Jenny's drinking again -- unfortunately
Where: The road near the Carnival
When: Day 16: 11PM
Rating: Rish I guess, she's drinking and probably going to cuss
Status: Active

Jenny had been writing poetry all day. She'd also been drinking. One of those stashed bottles of vodka. It made her fingers tremble but they'd been non-stop moving in her writing book. They were smudged with ink and aching. It was exhausting and she felt like she'd cried instead of written. So many emotions had been set to paper about a few people that day that she was just sort of ready to head back to her room and fall into the cot she'd stolen from the gym.

It had been her hope to run into the people she'd been writing about all day but she hadn't seen a one. What did it matter? At least she hadn't been yanked for some horrible experiment. The worst that had happened was she'd awakened with a note saying she'd be exposed soon. So what? L had said he would die for her. It wouldn't come to that. He was her only ally right now though, wasn't he? Even if he had Laura to think of. She spoke with Shannon sometimes but there was too much going on to claim a friendship, right? Jenny was pretty much all alone. Maybe that suited her now.

Turning around, she started back toward the Theater. The sound of her poetry book dropping was lost to her in the soughing of a soft wind. Oblivious of her loss, she walked on.

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inmyownworld
2009-07-28 06:49 pm UTC (link)

L was worried and nervous as Jenny's exaggerated reaction (something the emotionally challenged man could actually read) assured him that he'd been the last person she'd expected. Her laugh was not reassuring; it sounded strangely tense, high, and unnatural.

"I'm all right..." he answered uncertainly, keeping his guard up despite the fact that Jenny seemed happy. Even if it wasn't a wholesome happy, it was something. So often, Jenny was sad when L approached and spoke to her. As she spoke, and he was able to pick up the notes in her voice, he realized, to his relief, that she wasn't drunk. At least there was that. "But I wonder if you are. Jenny. Is this about the note you..." his breath caught as she embraced him. Hesitantly, he returned the embrace. She was relaxed and willing in his arms, and her sigh was amazingly... lifelike. She was alive. The realization was a vice grip around his heart.

It was distracting, because when he and Jenny were this close, every atom in his being seemed to vibrate intensely, oddly, not unpleasantly, but certainly dangerously. He tried to calm his breathlessness as she stepped away. "It's wonderful to see you. It always is, but I worry about you. You know I do. Don't you believe me, when I say that I won't let them do anything to you? They'd have to cut me into little pieces first."

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-29 04:27 am UTC (link)

A lot of what she was doing was to simply distract her from how she felt. The fact that she was so completely out of control over what happened to her here. The fact that Sid was dead and she'd never really gotten to know him in spite of how sweet and wonderful he'd been to her. The fact that L was something and someone more than she'd ever imagined she'd encounter in her life. None of it was something she was prepared to survive. In fact, the whole life she'd led previous to landing here had been leading to some sort of violent end for her at her own hand or at someone else's. It was just fact.

Still, being near L was like touching a live wire. She could feel a part of her awaken and begin to live. Something that was supposed to have died years ago when the carnival had brought along with it the aggressiveness of puberty-driven boys who had no parental surpervision or guidance. She'd been nothing but soft, supple flesh when she was eleven and now she was little more than that except where L was concerned.

"L, sweet, dear, lovely, L. No cutting. No pieces. I know you will do whatever is in your power to protect me and I will do the same for you." She smiled and tried to make light of the words she was speaking. She wanted to act as though none of it bothered her but in reality, in spite of the alcohol she'd consumed, she was afraid of what was happening around them among other things.

After a long pause, Jenny whispered in a more serious tone, "They're going to kill us and I'm never going to know what it's like to kiss you. This lifetime."

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inmyownworld
2009-07-29 04:41 am UTC (link)

L tried to keep from thinking about violent things, and violent endings. They happened so frequently, within Vas Captio, that it was tempting to simply turn away from it all and stare at the artificial sun until he was struck with blindness. At least then he would be free of seeing it all. But some things made it worthwhile, some things were a good reason to endure and stay and survive. Jenny was one of them. Had he known what she was thinking, he would have been alarmed, sympathetic, and anxious to find out what he could do to help, but as it was, Jenny seemed in high enough spirits, even if it was only due to moderate amounts of alcohol.

Her faith in him was something that made him feel stronger, more competent, and strangely worthwhile. He'd always felt like a useless partner to Laura, someone she mothered more than loved, someone weak and helpless in a world where he could control nothing. Knowing that Jenny trusted him enough, and realizing that he could truly trust her to do the same for him, as she said, was a rather profound thing. Though her whisper caught him off-guard, it was the most natural thing in the world for him to lean forward, touch Jenny's shoulder, and kiss the corner of her mouth softly. It was cheating, it was stolen, and it was entirely, beautifully human.

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-29 04:52 am UTC (link)

Jenny wasn't caught off guard by the fact that he'd leaned in and kissed her. She wasn't nonplussed by the way thing seemed to have naturally progressed there either due to her own whispered confession or because this was how it always seemed to happen for them in whatever past they'd had. Well -- the pasts in which they hadn't hated each other. No, what startled her was the clear blue reality of his touch. The way it seemed to connect her straight inside him in way that was more intense than she was sure she could handle.

Jenny's entire body responded but she wasn't sure it was right so her throat issued a somewhat restrained, frustrated sound. Her fingers ached to plunge into his hair but she held them back, forcing them behind herself to entwine within themselves until his lips had removed themselves from the corner of hers. She wanted more and in spite of the sensibility that pursuing it was wrong because there was Laura to think of, Jenny leaned toward him herself and kissed him full on the lips. Briefly. It was a small, short affair with nothing more than the touch of lips before she danced back, her cheeks flushed.

"I'm so sorry, L." She laughed hollowly. "Can we forget that happened?"

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inmyownworld
2009-07-29 05:06 am UTC (link)

Whether they'd hated or loved each other in any reality, in any dimension or time line, their feelings for each other were nothing but strong. L drew back slightly when he heard Jenny's muffled protest, or at least what he heard as a protest. He knew, in his own heart, even with a poorly designed moral compass, that it was wrong to kiss a girl who had been drinking, even if she didn't seem drunk. It had been a mistake... but then she kissed him back, and he lost himself in it. He couldn't think of Laura, he couldn't think of anything except the fact that this brief moment, in the middle of so much wrong, was something that had gone completely right.

Jenny was blushing furiously, and the heat in L's own face made him realize that he probably was, as well. He hastily averted his eyes, feeling awkward, but not regretting either kiss. He heard Jenny's hollow laugh, and her request to forget that it had happened, but something in him fiercely fought that notion.

"I don't know if I can. Maybe... we could do it one more time, the right way... and then, with all my heart, I will try?"

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-29 05:13 am UTC (link)

Jenny's fingers reached out to touch his face but only managed a gentle graze along his jaw before she pulled them away at the sight of his blush. This was either a comedy of errors wherein both parties had decided to forget reality and succumb to their own imaginary worlds, or it was real and she was being a fool still.

After a woman like Laura and after finding out just what she was made of as the Insider, there wasn't really a reason L could or should want to make the offer he'd just made to her. He should want to just forget and leave. Go and never look back. So Jenny was confused.

Brows furrowing a little, she took a step or two closer to him, putting her so close that she could almost -- but not quite -- feel the beating of his heart through his shirt. She listened and she looked at him, the alcohol in her system perhaps the reason for her intense scrutiny in such an almost comical manner.

"One more time? The right way? What do you mean?" she asked, genuinely unsure for the first time in a very long time.

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inmyownworld
2009-07-29 05:25 am UTC (link)

Objectively examined, it really was comical. But in L's mind, at least, it was far from imaginary. In the surreal world contained within the glass walls, this was the realest thing he had encountered in a long while.

They were close, almost touching, and L could feel the heat from Jenny's skin. She could probably feel the heat from his, as well. He regarded her seriously, as the sober variable in the equation, speaking plainly. "If what you say is true... that we are going to be killed... then neither of us will remember for long, anyway, right? I kissed you, and you kissed me, but could we temporarily forget regret, kiss each other without being afraid, and remember it always?"

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-29 05:34 am UTC (link)

Could they? Jenny remembered a little of what they'd been through in full detail. More of it was simply remembered senses and emotions that she couldn't have pinpointed yet if she'd tried. It was all new and fascinating to her. And if she was honest, a bit scary too. She had no idea how this worked or if what she was feeling was simply some cosmic joke considering he had Laura already.

Still there didn't seem to be a lot of harm in testing fate. Doing a little of their own experimentation to see what the outcome was in light of the fact they were stuck here and most likely destined to die just like every other poor soul who had turned up dead recently.

"I don't want to be afraid," she confessed and hesitantly put her right hand on his upper arm. It felt like the strange maneuvers of children figuring out how to have their first kiss to Jenny but she didn't care. "I want to remember you always. Not just the you that remains after it all but you now. You here. Is that wrong too?"

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inmyownworld
2009-07-29 05:42 pm UTC (link)

L shook his head. "It's not wrong. How many times have we lost each other? It seems like it would be terrible, to forget..." her hand on his thin but tautly muscled upper arm almost burned him through the white cotton of his shirt. In short, he was afraid. He was terrified that this was the end and that they might never see each other again. Touching Jenny's soft hair, feeling the loose curls slipping through his long fingers, L wondered how much time he had before these experiences and memories slipped away, only to be recalled in brief snapshots. He didn't want to vaguely remember their deaths, in this life. He wanted to remember more, and why they meant what they did to each other. Happiness was becoming a priority, not the tragedy that won awards, killed the characters, and left the readers sighing softly as they closed the book.

Since arriving here, L had often wondered if he was a monster. He liked to think that he had changed, that he was no longer the selfish, unethical empty vessel who was not a detective to fulfill a strong sense of justice but to ease boredom. Certain vices had never affected him. Lust was unknown, in his small, dark world, along with greed, since money meant little to him. He enjoyed sweets, but it would be unfair to call his delicate nibbling gluttony. If anything, L was envious, wishing for good looks and unparalleled social skills like Light's or coveting a family he could never have for himself. And prideful. The detective valued his status and his achievements above all else. They were what defined him. So, here, in this place where a sheet of indestructible glass separated him from most of the rest of the world, comforts of the moment, like finding comfort in the embrace of another human being, were becoming more appealing. Even if it made him a monster, to ask this of Jenny and enjoy this moment more than he should, as a man spoken for...

This was their moment. It was the beginning of something, or the beginning of the end... but to think about how much time they had left would be to spoil it. Instead, L focused entirely on physical sensations. He was not a ravenous lover; he didn't tear into affection as if he hoped to finish as quickly as possible. He kissed the way he ate rich, expensive chocolates, savoring every small change and letting the experience deepen and intensify naturally. Inwardly, he let the warm, gentle kiss imprint itself in his memory. Everything became a link to it, everything became a reminder. Even the dizzy touch of alcohol on Jenny's lips contributed to a memory that L refused to let die.

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dont_f_withme
2009-07-31 04:22 am UTC (link)

With any other person Jenny would have wrapped her arms, fingers trailing paths toward desire and lifting away clothes to find the tactile warmth and comfort of skin. With any other person she would have known exactly what to do and how to react. But this was new territory. Something Jenny had never experienced and she was entirely out of her element. Where her mind was forgotten for her heart and she was led by her heart, her heart was no help. Her head only told her what the truth was. They had been together so many times that her fingers, should they find skin, would know exactly where they were going. They knew every plane, every lean muscle. She need only quest.

Except there was something new holding her back. Something that reminded her that he still hadn't admitted who she was even if he knew it. Something that told her he had Laura and this was a dalliance he would probably regret. Something that triggered a selflessness in her she had never known or practiced before. For no one. Not even Tim. Or Marina.

L's kiss was surprising besides the logical aspect it awakened in her. She had always thought of herself as a purely sensual being and here he was forcing her to throw her hands away, her heart bursting to hold him, envelope him, find a way to get inside him and become a part of him. At the same time as her mind tried to destroy the perfection of that thought while his kiss destroyed every last pretense or defense mechanism she had left. She was stripped naked, emotionally and left with her hands out to her sides, wanting to touch him more than anything she had ever wanted in her life.

Pulling back if only to preserve her sanity, Jenny confessed, "You're destroying me." And for her, that was a welcome idea. Jenny, the neurotic, headstrong and needy little girl, was being deconstructed and rebuilt by a kiss. And by a man, no less.

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inmyownworld
2009-08-04 07:03 pm UTC (link)

L couldn't have asked for a better moment or a better kiss, and any guilt he might have felt was completely forgotten. L had incredible control over his own mind, and since he had resolved to make this perfect, he was able to focus entirely on that objective. Even though they were standing close to each other, Jenny was keeping her hands still, and L did the same. He had asked for a kiss. To ask for more would not only be unfair, it would be irresistible to both of them.

Part of L loved to be a part of something more powerful than he was, something uncontrollable, unpredictable, and overwhelming. When Jenny told him, with piercing clarity and heartbreaking frankness, that he was destroying her, it shook him to the core. To know that he had that kind of power over another human being, someone so important to him, no less, made him realize that he felt exactly the same way. Even if they were tearing each other apart, it couldn't be anything but good.

"I don't know what love is..." L said quietly. "It's difficult to define, and even harder to understand... but I heard, once, the words 'love is watching someone die.' I am so glad to have met you. I am glad to have kissed you. I am glad to trust you. And I would watch you die, if it came to that. I would watch until the bitter end." the words were every bit as honest as Jenny's confession. He remembered the earthquake, and feeling that the end was near, and wishing and crying and praying for Laura to return, to do him that small honor, to watch him die when no one else in the world knew him well enough for it to mean anything. L was trying, the best way he knew how, to say that he loved Jenny.

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dont_f_withme
2009-08-04 09:21 pm UTC (link)

Eyes slightly wide, Jenny attempted to look into his. She was near overload but managing to stay in control of herself. A feat in and of itself really considering her innate impulsiveness. Her fingers twisted into the hem of her dress to keep from touching him.

"I don't think there is just one definition of love. I think every person designs their own meaning and intent where love is concerned. It's complicated and multi-layered and intensely unique. Changing all the time or remaining constant…"

She had begun rambling and suddenly felt foolish because his words had been so beautiful and touching but she hadn't been able to think of something equally important to reply. So she closed her mouth and watched him, willing her breathing to calm and settle into a normal rhythm again.

She had understood what L was saying on several levels. It was a more exact understanding than his words could impress on her. The problem with putting emotions into words meant they got somewhat lost in translation. But the look in his eyes and what she'd felt when his lips had touched hers had spoken volumes. More so than she was sure she willing to accept though she certainly returned it in equal measure. It still came back to the fact that he wasn't hers that way and then there was also the fact they hadn't known each other very long in this life.

It was all so confusing to her and even though the kiss had ended, she still felt it and still ached to put her arms around him, lay her head on his shoulder and simply be there with him like that. Not think about dying though she had been more than willing to watch him in those hours they'd been in the gym before the miraculous recovery. She would have stayed by his side until the end and long after. Or as long as she was able considering it seemed as though their connection meant they'd both die.

"I hope love can also be watching someone live," she said softly.

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