The sudden rush of new memories hurt, ramming themselves into her brain and digging deep roots. This was longer than the two weeks she’d gotten before, months playing out and lived all over again from the safety of her bed. She’d never be able to explain how it happened, this onslaught of images, senses and feelings that were more real than any dream she’d ever had. It cemented itself in her veins, insides twisting to the new trials she’d endured and somehow came out through, leaving Sabrina waking wide-eyed and noiselessly screaming into the night sky.
There was so much loss intertwined with love, her aunties voices ringing in her head and the rejection of not one but two of her father’s leaving her heart open and raw. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to quite reconcile that with the picture she’d created in her mind of Edward Spellman. That image had been shattered into thousands of pieces, his anger and hatred for her shining through each shard, leaving them so she’d never be able to put them back together like they had been before.
And Sabrina.
Her other self.
Lost somewhere in some other world with no way back.
At least the last bits had been more uplifting--the victory of winning against her False Father’s band a nice little beacon of hope. But even that ended in melancholy as she turned, reaching over to an empty side that should have been occupied and wasn’t. One that probably would never be.
Everyone was alive though and that was what she was going to cling to as she got out of bed and headed down to the kitchen, intent on making herself some pity cocoa. It wasn’t like she’d be able to sleep again anytime soon.
For Dan, he’d been sleeping soundly - he had problems in the past because of seeing too many spirits or too many nightmares but it was easier to sleep, now that he had Allison. Sometimes they separated because they rolled over, or changed positions, but by the time morning arrived and that blazing orange ball set fire to the clouds, he found his way back. He’d wake up as either the little spoon or the big spoon, or better yet, face smushed against her chest and that was never a bad thing.
It didn’t go like that tonight, however. There was darkness, nighttime having fallen like a curtain and belonging to crickets outside and dreams inside. Then all of a sudden he was awake, when it felt like a crushing weight was suddenly dropped on his chest, on his lungs. Or like he'd been electrocuted. Pins and needles at his temples, the Shining pulsing and throbbing, the connection between him and Sabrina set aflame - it flared something fierce, and he knew something was wrong.
But he was careful when he climbed out of bed, throwing on a t-shirt to go with his flannel pajama pants and being quiet so as not to wake Allison. Then he went downstairs, stifling a yawn and rubbing fingertips over the mess that was his hair to try to tame it - though he wasn’t sure how well that worked. When he reached the kitchen, he stood in the doorway for a moment.
“Got enough cocoa for two, or should I make some of my own?” he asked, voice thick and crackly. “If you don’t mind some company, I mean.”
She should have known he would be coming down, but she’d momentarily blanked on that continuous connection between them and wondered exactly how much of what she was feeling and had experience was shining through to him. Sabrina wasn’t sure if she should try and shut it off or not as she took another mug from the cupboard and poured some into it for him as well. It probably wouldn’t matter if she tried to cut the connection. She knew her thoughts were loud. He’d probably still pick up on them.
“I don’t mind the company.”
She set his mug down on the table and sat down in her usual spot at the kitchen table, holding on tightly to her own. It was odd to look around and know that Zelda wasn’t slumbering quietly upstairs and that Hilda wasn’t in town, sleeping in the apartment above Cerberus Books. There was no Dr. Cee here. There were a lot of people that weren’t present. It warred with her own memories built in Vallo over the last year, nothing quite lining up, and Sabrina set the cup down, rubbing at her temples.
“Sorry for being so loud.”
“It’s okay. I wasn’t eavesdropping,” Dan made sure to clarify, though he was sure Sabrina knew that. He didn’t listen in or anything - but he was quite attuned to her general aura, he guessed, her emotions, and it was apparent something had happened. “I just - woke up.” He could feel her - it would have been the same way if Allison woke up distressed, or Claire (and that had happened - battling something like a stomach bug in the middle of the night with an almost-six-year-old was probably some kind of parental rite of passage).
He went to poke around in the cookie jar, since he was sure they had something sweet - he’d done a lot of baking for Yule, and leading up to the new year; sure enough, there were peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and he put some on a plate, to share between them, before settling at the table with hot cocoa. A late-night sugar fest, sure, but Sabrina looked like she needed it.
“Did you have a nightmare?” he asked, wrapping his hands around his mug.
Sabrina didn’t reach for any of the cookies, simply kept her hands cupped tightly around the mug. Though she hadn’t taken a sip of her hot cocoa yet either. Her head ached as she tried to make sense of the duality of the two years that were trying to smush together into one in her head. It hadn’t been so bad when she’d gotten memories last time, only adding two weeks back home, but this time months had played out, ones that she’d already lived out in Vallo. She was still sixteen back home and that warred with her remembering her birthday here and performing in the musical and Yule.
“No.” She forced herself to take a drink, hopeful that the sugary hotness would help distract her from the frustration that rippled through her. “I got new memories.”
She supposed it was better than getting a new piece of Hell, though, if she was honest with herself she’d definitely have taken another hellhound over the rush of memories. Even the ones she wanted to keep and replay over and over in her head. They were marked by bittersweetness without the people present to remember them with.
“My head is just trying to sort through them all.”
Ah, right. New memories were always fucking awful - and while Dan knew he was safe from that brand of bullshit (he was dead, what else could he possibly have to remember) he’d been there for Sabrina before when she was hit with a tsunami, and also Allison who had remembered a lot in the course of one night - like a whole other marriage and more time traveling, and he knew it was hard for both of them though of course more so for her.
He would do what he could to help Sabrina through this too, even if it was just having her back and reminding her of what she had here - that she’d bravely built a life in Vallo and deserved to live every second of it how she chose.
“It takes some time, I think,” he mused. “Do you want to talk about what you saw?”
Sabrina hadn’t hid anything from Dan for ages by then and she really didn’t feel the need to start doing so now. She let it all out, telling him about how months had seemed to pass there since she’d reversed time and saved everyone. How they were facing the Eldritch terrors and managed to defeat a number of them but there were still more out there that she knew would all need to face. But she couldn’t help them with that while she was in Vallo. And that hurt to know, even if she knew that she would be facing them with her family and friends and whatever else was thrown at them after they managed to defeat them.
There was her other self in Hell and the two of them feeling like sisters and growing closer--even if she thought Sabrina Morningstar getting married to the creep who tried to kill them was still completely insane. Especially since they were only sixteen. Who got married at sixteen? And then how she’d lost her. How Morningstar was in some other world that she hoped was like Vallo and not a horror show but there was no way to be certain about that.
The utter awfulness of being rejected by both Edward Spellman and Lucifer as their daughter and the feeling of complete abandonment that seemed to go along with that.
And Roz turning out to be a witch and the bonding she’d done with her best friend over that. But Roz wasn’t there.
And Nick. Her Nick.
Also absent and Sabrina’s heart hurt.
“I don’t know what to do with any of it,” Sabrina murmured, staring down at her cocoa.
All of that was a rollercoaster, good and bad, though the part that seemed to twist Dan’s heart the most was Sabrina being rejected by her actual father and the man she previously thought was her father. Given how close he’d grown to her, he didn’t understand why anyone would want to cast her away - without Sabrina, Dan himself would surely flounder. Honestly, her poofing from Vallo might even hurt more than Abra’s disappearance had hurt, simply because he knew Abra was okay with her mom back home. That she was equipped to handle the ghosts, equipped with a powerful Shine.
Sabrina would be going back to...that. It definitely didn’t seem fair.
“I don’t know if there’s much to do,” he admitted, sipping some cocoa. He also had a cookie and broke it apart, chewing on one piece thoughtfully. “Besides find a place for it that’s not exactly a memory, but - something that you’re aware of. And live this life you’ve built, with the people who love you and wouldn’t reject you. You won over this Lucifer, that’s for sure.” As far as Devils went, this one was actually pretty damn decent - Dan liked him, anyway. “But you know...that’s pretty amazing. How much Nick loves you.” Not everyone got to experience a love like that, not in their lifetime.
“And this Lucifer is way better than the one back home anyway.” She didn’t even really want the other one’s love and affection. It had just stung even further after Edward Spellman had called her a monster and said even more awful things about her and her mother. If she was going to call any Lucifer dad then only the one currently in Vallo deserved that title.
Him and the man sitting across from her. Dan had been more of a dad to her than either of her two fathers had ever managed to be. And Sabrina loved him for it.
“It is pretty amazing to be loved like Nick does me. It just…” Why did it have to show her that? He wasn’t there. It just reopened a wound that she’d nearly healed from when she’d landed in Vallo and was desperate to go home so she could retrieve him from Hell. “I know you’re right. All I can do is live the life I’ve built here. It’s just hard to think about any of that when everything is so raw. I know it’ll look different in the morning light. But I want to sulk for now.”
She was sixteen--no seventeen, she’d had a birthday in Vallo--and she was allowed to sulk.
Dan chuckled a little, reaching across the table and patting Sabrina’s hand. “Sulking is fair,” he said, and he’d probably be concerned if she didn’t want to sit and stew about it for awhile. Because that was good, it meant she was actually processing what she’d suddenly recalled, instead of avoiding it - he was sure that the therapist she’d been seeing would help with that as well, if she talked about it during sessions. “Sometimes you just have to let things settle. This place is really great but there are definite drawbacks to it too. Like any life, I suppose.”
The disappearances. The sudden onslaught of memories. The way the magic of the island, or whatever forces at place, brought strange and oftentimes dangerous creatures literally to their doorstep. Odd weather patterns, emotional nonsense? You really just never could tell what was going to pop up next. Seeing the future could only go so far - because Vallo’s future simply could not be held.
“Allison gets what you’re going through too,” he added. “I know the last memory dump shook things up for her.”
It was nice to hear that sulking wasn’t a bad thing. Sometimes back home, it seemed like acting her age was seen as a bad thing. That she was expected to pick herself up and move on, that forgetting about all of the trauma they’d experienced was the only way to keep going forward. Not lingering on it was nice at times, but some days Sabrina wasn’t sure she’d ever had time to process all that had happened since her sixteenth birthday. Not back home anyway. Vallo had given her the opportunity to do that, to breathe and work through all of the chaos and hurt that had bowled into her.
“I just wish I could skip ahead three weeks and be at the point where things have settled a little.” It was those in between points that were the hardest to muddle through, but maybe she could make an extra appointment with her therapist before Monday. Unless sharks or something else equally ridiculous started running around the streets. It was always a toss up for how any week in Vallo would go.
“Maybe I’ll talk to her about it too.” After all, Allison had helped her make sense of her persuasion powers and get them under control. “I just wish there was a point to the getting the memories, you know?”
“It does seem to be relatively pointless.” Dan agreed with that, for the most part - because people tended to want to take action ninety percent of the time and when you were just shown something without the ability to do anything it became extremely frustrating. “Though I guess in a few cases, some might need the closure?” he mused. That was the only thing he could think of, where it might be a benefit. Otherwise, fuck it.
However he too wished that you could fast forward time to where things had sunk in, certain truths and whatnot. Maybe there was a way to do it but then again, fucking with time usually didn’t do anyone any favors. He wouldn’t encourage it.
“You’re pretty grown up, Sabrina, and you’ve faced a lot - but you’re also still young and you don’t have to bear this alone,” he made sure to tell her. “I won’t hover but you know. Me and Allison will be beside you no matter what.” Who else would he bake endless cookies with and for, and end up in the diner with eating greasy cheeseburgers?
Sabrina smiled at that, looking over at him. “I know you guys are and I love you for that.” She knew she’d have been lost several times over without Dan and Allison in her corner. “I think I’ll see if my psychiatrist can fit me in tomorrow after school. Might be good to talk to him a little about it.” Maybe he’d have some exercises that she could do to work through the emotions whirling inside of her.
That had to be a step forward, didn’t it? Seeking out some extra counseling instead of going to lay out in the moonlight? She thought it was anyway. “Though maybe I’ll skip school tomorrow so I can have some more time to just process my head.” Maybe cuddle with Salem for a little longer than normal, look at the mementos of home that were in her room. Grieve for a little bit instead of trying to push it all down and act normal.
“We love you too. We’re proud of you,” Dan smiled as well, eye-crinkling and genuine. Hard to believe he’d been in Vallo almost a year already, and he’d had Sabrina and Allison with him from the very start - he knew how quickly they could be gone, sure, but that didn’t stop him from appreciating every moment and realizing how precious each one was. “If you want to skip a day of school and see the psychiatrist in the afternoon, that’s alright.”
He wasn’t going to pitch a bitch about her missing a day of school - Dan was pretty sure her education wouldn’t suffer, and she probably needed the time to deal with this latest whammy. Better than diving into a bottle or taking up a smoking habit or something. “And if you feel like any good old-fashioned busy work distractions, you can come by and see how the salon’s shaping up,” he said, getting up to rinse and wash his mug at the sink. There was still some work to do with set-up but they’d gotten the painting done so that was a pretty big accomplishment.
“I’ll think about that.” She was kind of wondering how much of Claire’s unicorn theme had made its way into the design. If not tomorrow then maybe over the weekend she’d manage to check it out. “Thanks for checking in on me, Dan.” It meant a lot that he did.
She lifted her own mug as she rose. “I think I’m just going to heat this back up and take this upstairs to look through some photos.” She could hear Salem returning as well through her upstairs window. Some cuddles were definitely in order.
Cuddles with the furry companions helped. Azzie would probably pitch in too - as it was, she decided to wander over to where Sabrina was and purr and rub up against her shins, perfectly acceptable, probably saying something like pick me up and rub your face against my face in cat language. Dan just laughed a little - Mal was probably around here somewhere too. It would be a whole cat pile.
“Sounds good,” he kissed the top of Sabrina’s head. “I’ll see you in the morning.” Or later today, technically. Either way, tomorrow was a new day and they could try to make the best of it, even if sometimes it felt like slogging through mud that was waist deep. But that was life for you - not even just in Vallo, more like in general.
He wouldn’t trade it, however. Because he’d been to the other side, and while it wasn’t terrible having a pulse and time spent with loved ones was much preferable.
“Night,” she murmured before picking up Azzie and doing just as directed. She carefully balanced the cat and her mug of hot cocoa as she headed back up to her bedroom, setting Azzie down on the bed as Salem bounded over to her, wanting his turn for scritches.
“You’ll never leave me,” she reminded her familiar, repeating words she’d said not too long ago to him as they settled down on the floor in front of her vanity. He responded by butting his head into her stomach to get her to continue petting him while she pulled out a stack of photos, ready to take another trip down memory lane for a bit. She was hopeful it would help her reconcile everything and if not it would at least help her pass the time until morning. And then it was just a matter of facing the life she’d made for herself in Vallo head on, like she did every other day. Possibly with an extra milkshake.