gladiolus amicitia (cupnoods) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-03-06 13:32:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, ₴ inactive: eddie kaspbrak, ₴ inactive: gladiolus amicitia |
LOG ➢ EDDIE & GLADIO
It took a few days for Eddie to feel ready to talk to Gladio. Not that he didn't want to—he'd come close a few times, especially when it seemed like he wasn't mad enough to ban Eddie from their morning runs. But he hadn't exactly tried, either. He was too busy grappling with the realization that he valued Gladio's opinion so much it scared him, desperate for validation from the first and only adult he'd ever felt comfortable around. But it wasn't good getting that attached to anyone. Eddie had enough to worry about with looking after the other Losers, and now more and more kids were showing up every day, and he was, quite frankly, seriously starting to feel overwhelmed. That's partially why he'd lashed out at Gladio in the heat of the moment, feeling far too vulnerable to appreciate what he'd been trying to do. What many of his friends had been trying to do. You're delicate, Eddie-bear, his mother used to tell him. They don't understand. Only I do. In that moment, he'd felt like he was back home again: stifled, ignored, locked away. But maybe that wasn't what Gladio thought at all. Maybe he'd been too stressed to really process the unfolding situation.
Eddie hesitated in front of Gladio's door with his hands stuffed into his coat pockets, shifting from foot to foot. Was this a bad idea? Should he even say anything? Brow knit, he rallied his confidence and reached out to knock. "Um, hi? It's me," Eddie called out, a little stilted. "I mean, Eddie. It's me Eddie." Stupid, he thought, blushing hotly. He knew Gladio's schedule well enough at this point that this was usually the time he would be home before heading over to Noctis' apartment or vice versa. He definitely didn't want to interrupt what he assumed was Dads Time, as he'd come to refer to it in his head. But he also didn't have any intention of lingering—not here. This was a conversation they needed to have while Eddie was in motion, not contained by four walls. He just hoped Gladio would be open to a walk outside.
The past few days had felt eerily like deja vu. It had been something he'd gone through with Noctis more times than he could count. A brief return to normal - or at least normalish - while he'd worked something out before they would talk about it. So Gladio had fallen into what had worked well enough for him back then. Be present, but don't push. Leave the openings but not shove them at Eddie either. He would, of course, eventually initiate a talk if Eddie hadn't, but Gladio didn't want to rush him. He knew enough to know that that would serve neither of them in the long run. Even if that talk included an apology on his own end. Besides, he figured things weren't beyond repair when Eddie still came on runs, even if there'd been that little slightly awkward undercurrent of knowing they needed to discuss what had happened.
And Gladio was grateful for that at least. A chance to at least make sure Eddie was okay from day to day. Or okayish as Gladio wasn't sure okay was exactly in the wheelhouse at the moment. Not with the way he'd seen Eddie throw himself into every little problem and then some. Taking on more and more, spreading himself thinner and thinner to a point Gladio honestly wasn't even sure he'd seen Ignis do. And that was saying a lot.
He kind of figured it was Eddie, even before he called out after knocking, and definitely knew before Eddie clarified who the me in that sentence was. Noctis was still at work and there wasn't exactly a line up at his door at any given moment. He'd just been looking for a hoodie - and how that was starting to become a challenge with Noctis stealing most of them - intending on heading out to the store to pick up a few things for dinner. He found one just in time, pulled it on and headed to answer the door, offering Eddie a warm smile as he did.
"Hey," he greeted. "I was just about to head to the store - want to come? Or I can go later," he offered - though he figured Eddie would probably go for the first. It wasn't a super long walk to the nearest store, but a decent one nonetheless.
Eddie had spent the better part of the last few days forming hundreds of apologies in his mind. None of them were healthy, and moreover, most of them were simply attempts to deescalate the situation, something he'd done all too often with his mother to avoid her wrath. That's why it helped so much to have a bit of time to breathe and really think about what happened. When Eddie wasn't forced to address conflict immediately, he could sort through his feelings and react with a clear head. He still felt bad about how he'd handled their last conversation, but he at least didn't feel as skittish as he did before. It was progress, and seeing Gladio in the doorway somehow calmed a lot of his nerves.
"Yeah, let's go," he agreed, relieved they wouldn't be playing out the all too familiar setup where the parent sits in the armchair and the kid sits on the couch like some fucked up interrogation. Plus, Eddie was still anxious, and moving helped. "What do you need to get?" He asked conversationally. It felt better to start slow. This was the most they'd spoken since The Fight, after all. Eddie wound his scarf a little tighter and zipped up his jacket over it. Barriers. He thought he understood Noctis a bit in that regard—he seemed to put up walls, too, and there was something comforting in that, because Gladio didn't seem to mind. Their relationship was a whole other thing he wanted to ask about, but it could wait.
Gladio quickly put on his boots and pulled a light jacket over his hoodie, found keys and wallet and locked up the apartment after him and Eddie. "Just a few things for dinner," he answered. It was a luxury now, to even be able to go to the store every few days and just find what he needed. Fresh meat, fresh produce. Even if the world had started to come back from the decade of darkness it wasn't quite there yet. Shortages still existed and the ten years of living on next to nothing was still ingrained in him. And while Gladio knew he wasn't the same person he'd been before all of that, which was part of the motivation in giving the kids the house, and never would fall back into the life he'd lived in his youth - he did take joy in the simpler luxuries.
He let a silence fall between them as they exited the apartment building and headed down the street. It felt a bit weighted and it was that which prompted Gladio. Because it felt like it was time.
"I - uh - I wanted to apologize, Eddie," he started. "I didn't want to make you feel like I didn't think you were capable, or that I think you're just some damaged kid - but I did, and I'm sorry for that and I hope you know that I do think you're capable, that I don't see you as some damaged kid." He paused. "I got worried - honestly, I got scared. I saw a situation that just looked, well looked like it could have gone bad and that scared me. I don't like feeling like I can't protect the people I care about and that's on me and I know I could have handled that better."
There was some comfort in the silence, actually. It didn't feel like the same stony silence his mother used, a quiet fury that meant she was stewing in her disappointment over him. This felt ... well, still warm, but comforting in a way. It helped to calm Eddie's racing thoughts a bit, just like Gladio's presence had done back when they were trapped in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces all around them. He even felt himself start to relax while they walked, despite the underlying tension that still hung in the air between them. They would have to talk. He'd come here to do that, hadn't he? Not at least trying to form an apology was cowardly and cruel, and he didn't want to be either of those things.
"Look, um—" Eddie said, or he would have if Gladio hadn't beaten him to it. He fell silent immediately, or rather, he was stunned into silence when Gladio started apologizing. I do think you're capable almost didn't stick in his brain, but I don't think you're some damaged kid helped. He didn't realize he was holding his breath during the whole mini speech, or that he'd been clutching his hands into fists in his pockets, as if physically bracing himself for the other shoe to drop. The catch. The but.
It never came. A heavy, relieved sigh shuddered out of him, surprise and gratitude sweeping over him in a wave. "Okay," Eddie said, slowly, as if trying to consciously slow himself down and process all of this. "I forgive you. But I also want to apologize too. You didn't deserve to get spoken to like that. You—" And his voice cracked a little. "You mean a lot to me, and I didn't handle that shit well either. It made me think of my mom, but you're not her." Eddie wiped his eyes, sniffing. "You're like, a million times better than her. And I still ... I still think of you as a dad, you know? Unless that's weird." God, he hoped it wasn't. They still hadn't talked about that, either. It was probably as good a time as any. Get it all out on the table now.
Gladio started to slow to a stop as Eddie started to talk, turning to face him and give him his full attention. He hadn't been expecting the apology so when it came it was a bit of a surprise, but a good one. He hadn't been angry, or harbouring any ill will from how Eddie had reacted in their conversation but he knew it took guts for Eddie to apologize regardless. And he knew it took trust in knowing he wasn't going to turn around and use it against Eddie - like maybe his mom would have.
"Thank you, Eddie," he said, "I appreciate that." He paused briefly, sorting out what he wanted to say before he did to make sure it was in a coherent order. "I want you to know that I wasn't mad okay? I know your mom -" and fuck if Gladio had to shove down some of his own shit at that to get through any conversation she was mentioned and not get too angry at way the woman had clearly treated her son. "I know the way she dealt with things, with you, makes it a bit hard for you." And it wasn't a dig, it wasn't going to you're damaged, it just was what it was. They all had parents who informed how they handled situations, some of them just had worse parents. "I'm never going to mad at you if we don't agree on something, or we don't handle a situation the right way," if there even was a right way.
He lifted a hand and dropped it on Eddie's shoulder. "You mean a lot to me too, Eddie. You thinking of me as a dad? That means a lot, and I want that. But I want you to know I'm not signing up for that just when things are good. I'm not planning on bailing when things get hard, I don't have some list of things that would make me leave." He smiled a little. "You're kind of stuck with me."
Eddie smiled the moment Gladio thanked him, even though he knew he didn't exactly need gratitude simply for apologizing. Still, it was difficult not to feel a swell of pride. He'd done something good. Gladio approved. Who knew talking things out felt this good? Eddie certainly hadn't. He was used to passive aggressive warfare and finding all the doors and windows locked, not this healthy communication thing. It helped, too, that there wasn't an immediate pressure to get it right every time either. Gladio was leaving the door open for them both to sort through their emotions, and for that, Eddie was eternally grateful.
"Okay," he agreed, and was surprised to find he was out of breath. Apparently his heart had been beating a little too fast, and he was only just realizing that his hands had been shaking. Thank God for pockets. "Man. I got more of an adrenaline rush from that than running," Eddie said weakly. Poor attempt at a joke. It was true, though. He'd gone into this completely terrified, and until Gladio reassured him that he wasn't angry or worse, that he blamed every bad thing on Eddie, he hadn't been able to fully relax.
Now he was.
Unfortunately, that meant he was definitely crying when Gladio kept talking. But he was smiling, too, and wiping his eyes with a small, watery laugh. "You're the best. Seriously. I never thought I'd have a normal family and then here you are, being amazing. Is it okay if I hug you? I'm only asking because I'm definitely going to get your hoodie wet," Eddie said all in a rush, his only warning before pushing into Gladio's space and hugging him with surprising force for his size. He was still teary, but he was also still smiling, for once actually hopeful for the future.
"Maybe we need to add another half mile then," Gladio said lightly. Though he got where Eddie was coming from. It wasn't always the easiest thing to be upfront about stuff like this, and even harder for Eddie with everything he'd been through.
Normal felt like a bit of a stretch, all things considered. But somehow it kind of fit, even if the way they had wound up in each other's lives was anything but normal. It was nice though. It'd been a long while since Gladio had felt like he was okay with his life, much less happy with it. He'd been so lost in his own shortcomings, in his grief for so long now that he'd almost forgotten what it had felt like to wake up and actually be excited for the day, what it felt like to connect with people again. And Eddie was a big part of that.
He didn't get a chance to reply before Eddie rushed at him, but it was okay. It wasn't like he would have denied Eddie anyways. Gladio hugged him back tightly with a soft laugh at the sheer force Eddie had crashed into him with. "You're the best too," he offered and gave Eddie one last tight squeeze before letting go.
"You want to keep going to the store?" he asked as they started walking again. "You can give me as much shit as you want for the stack of cup noodles I fully intend on buying," he teased, though there was nothing but fond amusement in it. And while maybe he hadn't been holding onto the same anxiety that Eddie had, Gladio still felt better in the wake of the conversation. Lighter. And like Eddie, hopeful.