So...there’s some things I need to tell you guys. Some of you know some of it. Richie knows everything I know I should be doing this in person, but if I had to look at you guys while I said this stuff, I’d probably throw up. Or cry. And then throw up because of my deathly allergy to human emotions.
I knew Pennywise was going to come back. Because I dreamed about it. Pretty much the entire time between the first time we fought him and the second time. I saw a lot of really awful things. I saw you guys dying. I saw Eddie dying a lot. And it really messed me up. A lot. It’s still kind of messed me up, because even though that isn’t what happened, I still remember it. I mean...it was five years of really horrible dreams.
But it wasn’t just dreams. There’s something different about me. I always thought it was something wrong or bad because it happened around the same time as the clown. Sometimes when I touch people, I see things. Like...visions. Sometimes I don’t even have to touch someone. I met someone here who’s like me. He says it’s called the shining. And that it’s not evil it just...is. And that’s good because I was always so scared of hurting you guys. And I never, never want to hurt you. But it’s still hard because sometimes it can be a lot. Which is why I don’t generally like touching people. But I want to be better about that because you guys are really important to me and I want you to know that.
Which is why I need to tell you...I tried to kill myself. When Ben and Mike told us about Pennywise. Because suddenly it was all real and I was so scared of being the thing that got you all killed. Because I’d seen it so much and I thought there was something wrong with me and I thought if I was there, then I would hurt you all somehow. And I was also just really tired because it was all so much and it hurt all the time and I wanted it to stop. But Richie came over and...I couldn’t make him find my body because that would be really shitty and I’m really sorry that I ever thought about it. And I promise I don’t want to die any more, but I needed you to know. Because sometimes it still gets hard and I want to be able to talk to you guys when it does. Because you’re my family.
It wasn’t your fault. I need you to know that. It wasn’t any of your fault. You guys are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I really am. And I understand if you’re mad at me or you hate me. I hate myself a lot of the time so I get it. But I’m working on that too. It’ll just probably take a while.