WHAT. As a follow up from yesterday, Tessa ambushes WIll with books and questions. WHERE. Blackthorn Hall library! WHEN. Today! WARNINGS. A little kissing and period-typical worries about sexuality. ART.@_artjake_ STATUS. Complete!
Book shopping had always been a good way for Tessa to let her mind wander from current worries or thoughts. As she walked through the stacks, a fingertip would graze along the spines of all the books as she picked out a few at random, or ones that made her think of people. She still remembered in the years following Will’s death, how she would stop and find something that reminded her of him, pick it off the shelf, start crying and put it back.
Now she could pull that book to her arms and gift it to him. That was a slippery slope, she soon realized, as she ended up with an entire pile of books to bring home. Some of them had been ones she’d seen him linger over when they shopped together, but his job had not started yet and the benefit of Herondale money was a world away. But Tessa had been working, and their little Christmas boon also helped fund the growing library, so she felt no guilt in this heavy pile of books.
The only pause she had was trying to wrangle herself out of her scarf and coat while keeping hold of all of the books, only to belatedly realize she likely could have made them float with magic. Magnus would have laughed at her, and that thought made her miss him. But she managed even in her mundane way, and soon enough she was poking her head in the library to spot Will’s familiar head of hair.
There was no verbal warning that she had entered, just Tessa leaning over his chair to plant a kiss on his cheek. “I got you a few gifts while I was out. Have you been staying out of trouble?”
Maybe it was unwell for someone to spend so much time reading but Will had missed out on a century of new literature. He had used his freetime when he was alive—a strange continuance to consider—gobbling up books where he could. He would never be able to read everything, he knew that, but it was a goal he could strive to in his lifetime. Now he had a second one, and a wealth of books to choose from, handpicked by his wife. He was spoiled rotten, and was certain he would make the most of it.
Holed up in the library at Blackthorn manor with his tea long since gone cold, Will was frowning markedly at his current read, flipping the pages faster than he could finish a sentence. Enthralled, absorbed, with the courtly politics and how scandalously the two lovers were finding places to—
"Oh, hello," Will said, trying for nonchalant as she kissed his cheek and he closed his book. He hadn't heard her come in, and Will was unsure if that was a good thing or not. He had never been someone to be ashamed of his reading material, or anything Tessa had caught him doing—which was admittedly, a lot. But this felt... he wasn't ready to share yet.
He straighted up in the chair and lifted a hand for her to take to guide her to sit in his lap. "I have been the most well-behaved. The demon and I have not interacted at all. And I listened to Jem practice earlier, like a dutiful friend," Will said, then lifted his brow to Tessa. "Gifts you say?"
Tessa laughed lightly at his defense. “Oh, like a dutiful friend. As if you don’t enjoy him playing just as much as I do.” She knew for a fact he did, and how many times he’d lamented over the years of their marriage and Brother Zachariah that he missed hearing Jem play. Friendship had very little to do with how much they both loved watching and listening to Jem.
“I suppose you’ve earned your rewards, then.” With a little flourish, Tessa came around the side of the chair and slipped herself into Will’s lap, and then, so he wouldn’t assume the gift was her, she pushed the books towards him.
“I got you a few books on my way home. Ones that made me think of you.” There were five of them, in varying degrees of romance to something more serious. Books that she’d seen him interested in, ones that made her think of him. Or their predicament. She would later blush if questioned about the fact that several of them involved relationships with more than two people.
Will would not have minded if his gift was his wife, but he certainly lit up more that books were involved. "I shall work harder and more diligently during the day to properly earn my gifts," Will said, beaming up to her as he sorted through the bag. He was spoiled, rottenly so. He made a small noise of half-earnest disapproval, a soft Tessa, you didn't have to, as he handled each one with care. They were supposed to be going slow, not spending all of their money on frivolous things. And while Will would say books are not frivolous, his tastes had been varied and wild and certainly a habit few should have kept up with.
"If you are going to buy everything I touch in the bookstore, I should be more careful where my hands go." But he was reading the backs of the books—a feature he enjoyed when it came to modern reading material—and flushed immediately when he realized one of the books was erotica. No, two. He cleared his throat, gentlemanly and nonchalant.
He held this one up for her to see, and leaned on the armrest. "Ones that made you think of me? Tessa, my love, do explain your thoughts on this one?" Will asked, looking smug. "Or am I supposed to guess? I can guess. We can make a game of it, but you just stay in my lap the whole time while I do."
“Will,” Tessa’s capacity to sound both exasperated and amused by her husband had clearly never diminished, because she sounded annoyed, but laughed behind it. “I don’t think it would take many guesses.” She admitted that much because she had to. Even now, after a hundred and fifty years, she still blushed at it all the same.
Though she knew that he wouldn’t guess her true meaning behind them right away. If he did, that was all the better, because the less Tessa had to push them both in that direction, the happier she would be. She was both restless to push them, and wanted something natural to form, a bond that she knew existed could only strengthen. There was no Jem without Will, and no Tessa without either of them.
“If you don’t want them, I can always take them back. Read them myself, not share my delights.” She could still tease right back, even if she would do no such thing. Or, at least, she would give them back after borrowing. “You will have to tell me if any of them make you think of anyone in particular.”
"Ah, ah, ah, I did not say I did not like them. But I'm curious, you cannot punish me for being curious," Will said, before he drew out another book to read the back. So no guessing then. This was—not a test, Tessa would never be so cruel to do that to him. But this was something, a truth buried in a gift that he was going to uncover. Will was determined.
It was clear this one was about having more than one partner. But it was more than that, all of them together. He peered up at Tessa then back down at the book, animated and intrigued. He knew that the arrangement he had so purposely avoided discussing was probably not working for Jem and Tessa. He knew that having Tessa bounce between her two husbands was not ideal, but Will couldn't seem to find a compromise that worked for them. What would be easier is if the three of them were like this novel, and just—
Will choked on nothing, and started coughing abruptly. He clung to Tessa's waist for a steadying moment, before he looked up at her. "Are you trying to tell me something Tessa? You know you can be honest with me. I can't imagine what you are attempting to get at." He was lying, and it was obvious with his over exaggerated smile at his wife.
Tessa knew there was no gentle way to go into things when Will was involved. Will was all fire and brimstone and barreling ahead with no turning back.
But she’d seen just enough to spot Will changing course and the look on Jem’s face. And now that she’d spoken to Jem about it-- well.
Tessa could be just as impatient as her first husband. But she didn’t want to ruin this by doing it wrong, by finding out one of them wasn’t on the same page, and then things became awkward. Because the three of them had always just worked and ruining that would be incomprehensible.
“You tell me,” Tessa finally settled on, but her blush was likely visible even if she could try and speak with an air of confidence. Will so often saw through her that it was pointless, but she lifted her chin anyway. “I saw your dance, or some of it, on New Year’s Eve. Would you like to talk about it?” She knew he might respond flippantly, to brush her off, but Tessa wanted to give him that chance, to back out before he felt cornered. Though she probably shouldn’t have been sitting on his lap if she wanted to give him room to breathe, she wouldn’t say she was wholly selfless.
He felt caught. Not in a way that felt dangerous or awful, but in a unsure way. The way that Will was not used to stepping toward. And when Will was unsure of things he tended to puff up like an angry bird and deflect. But that was with other people, and cornered now by Tessa—which he had to admit, didn't feel cornered at all, only inevitable—wasn't as bad as it seemed.
Still, Will was going to be a purposely obtuse asshole about it first. "The twerking? I was told it was a common modern dance, and you have been supporting all my endeavors to reacclimate myself to this century," Will said, beaming up at Tessa. As much as Will was avoiding the question, he realized that what Tessa had seen had been something, enough to bring it up to him. So all of his sweaty palms, and burning chest, and painful yearning for Jem wasn't as oblivious to others.
Will searched her face for some kind of relenting look, the kind he had been on the end of numerous times when she gave up for the time being and let him faff about. Until he came to his own conclusions. But Tessa was clever and observant and how long would it take for Will to realise the same things? She must have been so tired of him.
"You mean with Jem, though," Will said. Because he had thought about the dance often, and chased the images away constantly. "Did he say something to you? Did he hate it? You have to tell me if he did."
Tessa clicked her tongue. “I have to do no such thing, Will Herondale.” She looked amused, though, because Will attempting to twerk had truly been an experience in itself, but it didn’t make her cheeks flush like Will and Jem held in each other’s arms. It had just made her laugh and cover her face and try one of those little shots of alcohol instead.
But that had also made her face flush. Tessa didn’t avoid Will’s gaze, she gave as good as she got, always. She was well-practiced in standing her ground against him, even if she also liked the idea of giving into his every whim. She just knew if she started doing that, nothing would get done, and life would be even more chaotic than it was now.
Balance. It was all about balance. Just like a triangle, perfectly symmetrical, and they all had their parts to play in the greater scheme of it all. Eventually, she caved, just a little. “He didn’t tell me he hated it. You know it takes far more than that to find something that Jem hates. He loves you, just as you love him.”
"Of course I love Jem. He is, and will always be, my best friend," Will said, instinctually. The words tumbled from his mouth as easy as breathing. He had always loved Jem, even when he wasn't supposed to. Even when he thought a demon's curse was preventing his parabatai from ever getting better because of his love. A wretched feeling of guilt bubbled up inside him, but they were past that now. It was a habit he hadn't quite broken.
The look in Tessa's eyes, the softness of her words, made Will hesitate. He thought about what he said, and exhaled slowly as the truth of the words settled on his shoulders. He loved Tessa. But he also loved Jem. He had felt it on the dance floor, something new and familiar in the way they held one another. Will's thoughts drifted to all the small things that had been punctuated by Jem in their relationship. How even when they were both the farthest away from Jem, Will had felt the most complete when he was close in his thoughts.
Will squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, like he was trying to not let his brain do things it wasn't supposed to. Think things that couldn't possibly be real. He had gotten relatively good at that, but maybe he didn't have to push them aside anymore.
"I want to say something, but I do not want you to get the wrong idea," Will said, still looking like he was working out a headache. "About me. About me and Jem and you. The three of us. I would not hate it."
Tessa didn’t much like when Will looked that pained. It made her lean in and press a kiss to the side of his jaw, and touch his head with her hand, to give some comfort as he worked through his own feelings and worried about hers. It was sweet, how he did, because her first instinct was to hide a wince when he’d said best friend.
But she knew even as Will had said those dreaded words that he had to figure things out for himself, and it would never be as simple as that. Nothing with the three of them had ever been anything simple enough to put into words, it had always transcended above.
She could give him comfort, and another kiss, as if to wordlessly reassure him she wasn’t going anywhere even with whatever he had to say. “Will. I would not think any wrong ideas of you, not about this. Not when I have had similar thoughts. It’s difficult not to think such things when the love I carry for both of you has only grown over the years. Why would I not be overjoyed if it were to all grow together?”
She kissed again, another, and another. Just little flutters, butterfly kisses that barely grazed his skin. “How many times has it been said that the only thing that could make our lives better is if the three of us were unburdened all at once? We are unburdened here.”
If every decision that Will made could be peppered with Tessa's kisses, he might spend more time making decisions. Most of the time he was too quick to think it through—the horrible do first, ask questions later type—or he overthought so much that he dismissed it into oblivion never to be thought of again. But Will had thought of Jem often, despite his efforts not to let it consume him.. His first years of marriage were torn painfully between the two of them, mighty and fierce in his subconscious. And Will knew Tessa shared the same split consciousness, if their late night conversations in bed were any indication.
He breathed slowly, carefully, trying to rein in his thoughts to something coherent and not bullishly selfish like many of his choices could be. "We are unburdened here," Will agreed. He leaned up to kiss the corner of Tessa's mouth, but it was clear his mind was a million other places. "But that was a dream, this is the reality of it, Tessa."
Did Will sound scared? "What if it is not what he wants? What if in actuality it is not as perfect as we have both dreamt?"
Tessa found she didn’t like it very much when Will wasn’t the impulsive one who charged straight ahead. The fact that he sounded scared, or worried, made her frown. It made her want to march him straight to Jem and tell them to talk, but she didn’t want to make both of them nervous by doing that.
Instead, she took a steadying breath and put on the bravest of faces for him. “Will, what is a life worth living if you don’t take a few risks here and there? Do you remember our wedding night? After Tatiana? You were worried then, and let her get inside your head. But-”
She kissed him, this time on the mouth, with a firmness that proved just how sure of herself she was. Or perhaps it was a reminder of that night, one of the best they’d ever experienced together. “You worried you would not make me happy, and I can say that my years with you are equal in happiness of my years with Jem. You have both made me so happy, how could it be anything but that with the two of you, with the bond you share? Have a little faith, my Will.”
The rare flare of doubt that had started to pour into Will was dispelled just as quickly by Tessa's kiss, her words, her touch. She was always a balm to Will's darker thoughts, the kind of self-doubt and loathing that Will tended to cover with a sarcastic comment or a reckless gesture. But he could be neither of those things to her or Jem. He felt emotional at everything, and he swallowed it back down. He didn't know how to put words to the feelings, but he was trying.
"I remember, of course I remember, I—" Will exhaled sharply, an awful and beautiful realization washing over him. He wanted to talk to Jem. He wanted Tessa to put firm hand on his arm and tell him over and over it would be all right. He could love them both with his whole being and be happy without sacrificing the other. It felt impossible, or might have been, if Will allowed the past to dictate the present.
He made a sad scoff, and smiled up at Tessa. His eyes were a little watery, and he might have hid that weakness from anyone else but Tessa. And Jem. It was always the both of them, and he realized he didn't have to hide at all. "I have plenty of faith. Tons. A sizeable amount that even you would be surprised," Will said, trying for levity.
"Have you talked about this with him?" Will asked, then quickly added, too honestly, "Because if I am putting our love on the line and he rejects me, I will never recover. I would rather keep his friendship than lose it over, over whatever this feeling is."
Tessa laughed lightly, not at him but amused by his reassurances and seeing right through them. It had taken her a little while when they’d first met, for her to see past his walls and into who he really was.
But now that she had seen that, Tessa would never miss it. She knew him, and well. She knew what he liked, and when he felt upset or nervous. She’d seen him at his best and his worst, had held him through both of those. She hadn’t wanted to tell either of them about the other’s feelings, it felt like spoiling it.
But Will needed something right now and she could give him something. She was reasonably sure Jem wouldn’t hold it against her.
“I have,” Tessa finally agreed, after a long moment of deliberation. “We talked only yesterday, which isn’t why I approached you now, but it doesn’t hurt, either.” She smiled at him, “Would it surprise you to know that our conversations had a similar path? You and he are more alike than most realize.”
Will peered up curiously at Tessa. So, she had been planning, sort of. He didn't know whether to be offended, which was highly unlikely, or touched, which was more likely. Hearing that she had already had this conversation with Jem and that they had comparable takes seemed inevitable.
"No, not surprising," Will said, as he leaned into Tessa and laid his head on her shoulder. In another life, at another time, it might have. But these last few weeks together, under impossible circumstances, made Will realize how acutely similar feelings had bled together. How love had always been deeper than he intended, and keeping it on a surface level had been necessary, but not instinctual. When he let himself breathe the truth, it was simpler that the complicated hurdles he had forced upon himself.
He let himself, for once, fall silent, his eyes focusing on one of the bookshelves across the room. "I should talk to him then," Will said, both a statement and a question. He didn't know if he could play pretend for much longer. And if Tessa was noticing, then she wasn't going to let it fester either.
"Do you think we should bring the books to him to read, too? They are a very good hint, if I need some guidance."
Tessa let a hand run through his messy hair, further mussing up the short curls there and down to his scalp. She intended to provide comfort, while Will worked through his thoughts, but it was to her own pleasure, too, just touching him. “I think you can and should,” she confirmed, to give him the little push he seemed to need.
But it also went for the books, which was too good of a thought to mask the devilish thoughts it inspired. Her smile grew slowly, in a devious way that meant she was up to no good. (Or up to all the good in the world, depending on who you asked.) “I think if they worked on you, we should certainly give it a shot. And I want to see the look on his face.”
They were sure to make Jem blush at least a little, a reaction that Tessa lived her life trying to provoke these days. “Would you like to go now, or do you need a few minutes?”
Will leaned into the touch, like a cat who wanted affection, and looking equally pleased when he received it. He contemplated Tessa's question—and hearing that she wanted to see the look on Jem's face made him grin briefly, that they had a shared desire in this—before he picked up one of the discarded books, and began scouring the synopses on the back.
"In a moment," Will said. He needed to collect his thoughts, his words, his feelings. Will didn't think he had one shot at this conversation, but he desperately wanted to get it right the first time. No fumbling, no hesitation. But Will didn't say all that, even if he knew that Tessa would know that's what he meant. Instead, he said, "So that I can find the right one to bring."