WHAT. Kit wakes up in the clinic with an immortal cat on him and Ty waiting. WHERE. Vallo Clinic WHEN. After the Kraken was killed! WARNINGS. Itâs⊠really long and they air out a bunch of stuff. Lots of spoilers for TDA! STATUS. Complete!
Ty had already fallen asleep at Kitâs bedside, twice. He dozed, for ten minutes here, fifteen there. It had been difficult to stay asleep, because of the noise and activity in the clinic, and just because of the worry he had for Kit. Heâd had minor injuries himself, not enough that his sister harassed him into getting healing.
And she hadnât been able to stay long at the clinic herself, as Livvy had accidentally walked through a beeping machine and made the whole thing short out. There had been more noise and chaos when that had happened, and she opted to wait for them back at the apartment complex to keep an eye on Irene.
What had been a comfort was when a familiar grey form had clambered through the hallway of the clinic, darkening the doorway in only a way that an immortal cat could. Church had accepted pets from Ty before heâd settled on Kitâs feet to stare at the sleeping, injured Herondale.
Ty was once again jerked out of a quiet moment, his headphones on but with one just slightly tipped off in case Kit woke up hoarse or whispering. There was shouting down the hall and more commotion, and he closed his eyes to steady himself. Heâd done an iratze on Kit only an hour before, but it wasnât enough to fully heal him. He needed rest. Ty would wait as long as was necessary for him to get that rest, even if it meant dealing with the noise of the clinic.
Kit remembered falling. It wasn't the greatest thing to remember, but the gut-flipping sensation of the ground sliding out from underneath him, and the bright hot pain of injury seemed to overcome him. Darkness had swallowed him when he took the plunge off the building, andâluckily for himâKit didn't remember the smack of hitting the water, or the almost drowning that came from sinking unconscious under the surface of the flood.
But even in his dreams, he was still falling. Part of him wanted to scream out of fear, the other part of him wanted to scream for someone to help him. But who would? He had Herondale blood in his veins, a Shadowhunter buried underneath all the lies of his life, that he should be able to get out of it on his own problems on his own two feet. But Kit couldn't, wouldn't, and so the only name he could think to call out for in the emptiness of his mind was Ty.
Light burned behind his eyes suddenly, and only if he just opened him, it wouldn't be so dark. But with the realization of light, came the realization that his own body hurt. Ugh. He wanted the pain to go away and the light to come back, and so he tried again.
"Ty?" Kit said, and now his voice was real, he could hear it in his eyes and not his head. But he could also hear other ambient noiseâpeople talking, machines beeping, fast footsteps, and metal and glass clattering. It felt like too much, to be conscious, but there was a heavy warmth on his legs, and the sensation of someone beside him.
He tried again, moving his arm toward him, reaching for the light. "Ty?"
The headphones were off Tyâs ears and around his neck in a flash. He needed a second to blink back into the light, and to readjust, but after that second he leaned forward and took Kitâs hand. Touch wasnât always an easy thing for Ty to do, but when it came to Kit, he didnât hesitate. Kit had always been a grounding force, similar to Julian.
But so, so different.
âHi.â He didnât have to glance down at his watch to know how much time had passed. âDo you remember falling off a building and having a pod of dolphins save you? That was one hour, thirty-seven minutes ago.â It was only ten minutes after that when Ty had shoved a sword into the Krakenâs eyeball and the combined efforts of Vallo and the Atlanteanâs forces had brought it down. Heâd dried now, mostly, dark hair having curled its way into a mess. âThe fighting is all done now.â
In true Kit fashion, he immediately attempted to sit up and concentrate on what Ty was telling him. But physical limitations of his bruised, sore, and wounded body left him groaning pitifully. He attempted to move his legs, but was stopped by the soft prickling pressure of cat claws at his ankle. He squeezed his eyes shut a few times, trying to make sure he was awake. That Church at his feet wasn't actually a dream. Still to be determined as he came fuller into consciousness.
His brow furrowed, confused: kraken, fighting, dolphins. No, none of it was ringing a bell and he shook his head a little to answer Ty's question. Belatedly, he realized his hand was still reaching out, that Ty was holding it. Kit wanted to pull it back but couldn't bring himself to move. Because this was nice.
"What have you been doing for the other hour and thirty seven minutes?" Kit asked, his attention moving from Ty's hair to his face. He was gloriously backlit, like a goddamn angel. Kit hated it and loved it all at once. He lingered too long, before his attention flicked down to the gray poof. "How did they let you bring a cat in here?"
Ty shrugged. He didnât have a good answer, really, because it was a little telling that he had just been here and not anywhere else. âWaiting.â He gestured to the iratze freshly drawn on Kitâs collarbone, right where the hospital gown started. âI gave you a healing rune about an hour ago. They have potions and things but theyâre uh- busy right now so I didnât think youâd be upset?â
If there had been other Shadowhunters around, it would have been easier to pass off to. But Ty was willing to accept any annoyances Kit had, if it meant it helped him heal faster.
To Church, he smiled a little. âI didnât do anything. Church just walked in and no one has tried to kick him out yet.â Not that theyâd be successful if they tried, but it wouldâve been as amusing to watch as it was watching Julian try to win the cat over.
Kit was, unsurprisingly, not upset. His other hand, the one not holding Ty's, had reached up to his collarbone, where the iratze was. He could easily trace the lines and patterns of the familiar rune. Clean, short, expertly added. It had been a shame he wasn't awake for when he did it, having Ty that close to him with unmitigated focus. Something pleasant and warm bubbled in Kit's chest, and he did not think it had anything to do with whatever healing had been administered to him while he was unconscious.
Church still didn't shift from his legs, and Kit didn't think moving would be helpful. In fact, Church slowly blinked at him from the end of the bed, and seemingly fine with what he saw, settled further into the space. Kit swallowed hard, and squeezed Ty's hand once before he slipped it out.
He should probably stop doing confusing things when he wasn't feeling totally coherent. It was only going to make things more complicated, and he wanted to just concentrate on making his whole body not feel like one big ache.
"You didn't have to wait this whole time," Kit said, hoarse but apologetic. "Livvy could have checked for you. It's..." The sound of someone running by, followed by a stead beep beep from another room over only accentuated the point. "Loud."
Once Kit let go, Ty pulled his hands back in to tuck into himself. His stretched form got smaller as he took up the chair and less of the space around them. Ty was always extra conscious of physical touch when he was more averse to it than most, and Kit pulling away was an indicator. It flashed him right back to the reminder that Kit hated him, and their circumstances here in Vallo were just the wrong time and place.
It hurt. Tyâs eyes averted and he focused on a spot that stuck out in the tile on the floor. âI didnât want you to wake up alone.â It was the truth, even if he knew it would likely be rebuffed. âAnd Livvy set off a lot of the electronics. Itâs-- fine.â It was fine. It was worth it, that Kit had someone to look over him, even if there was mild discomfort involved. âIâve learned how to get used to noises a little better now, in the Scholomance.â
Conscious Kit was becoming more aware that the things he was doing were adversely affecting the mood. His own, in particular. He didn't think he could have a real conversation with Ty right now, not with all the things he was feeling and thinking that were colliding together. He wanted Ty's hand in his again, he wanted to disappear, he wanted to pull Ty out of his shrinking, he wanted to tell him why it had to be like this, he wanted Ty to know that he didn't know if he could forget what happened, but maybe he could forgive. He wanted Ty toâ Kit wanted Ty.
What a miserably wonderful realization to have when he could barely sit up in bed without wanting to die. Kit turned his head to stare at Ty from his pillow, and his own brow furrowed confused and a little angrily. He couldn't figure out why.
"It's not fine. You can tell me if it's not fine. You can tell me when things are not fine, not everything has to be fine all the time. I'm not fine, I'm definitely not fine," Kit said. It was unclear if he meant right now, physically, or for a while, mentally. Both, probably.
He took a deep haggard breath, recentering himself. "Thank you, for staying. I'm glad I didn't wake up alone."
Ty didnât understand that line of thinking, not fully. Most people didnât want to hear when things werenât fine for Ty. They wanted things to be simple, to be him adjusting and figuring stuff out. They wanted to be reassured he was fine. Saying something wasnât fine to anyone other than Julian or Livvy had always resulted in the looks of pity. Or confusion.
Things that werenât fine for Ty tended to be something ânormalâ people handled easily. Pretending was better.
âSorry,â Ty replied quietly. But he didnât say he wasnât fine, and he didnât elaborate. His mind was moving a mile a minute while he was barely talking, and his eyes flicked up to Kit briefly before going back down again. âDid you leave because of Livvy? Because you couldnât face me after what I did? Magnus told me you didnât want to say goodbye to me. That I was the reason you left. But Iâd thought you understood why I did it.â He swallowed. âSo I didnât understand why you left me without saying goodbye.â
There were so many complicated answers to Ty's very simple questions. Kit didn't know where to start, and he didn't think his heart could take it with the way his chest was tightening unconsciously. His mind was there, watching Ty resurrect Livvy all over again. His memory flickered to being chained to the tree. Then, to watching Ty for the last time on the beach from a safe distance. Anything Kit said right now would be a lie, because he wasn't sure if he could say the truth.
He was noticeably uncomfortable, and Church seemed to sense the unease building between them. Kit seemed to plead momentarily with his feline savor, but Church didn't do anything other than stare him down as if to say go on.
Kit wasn't looking at Ty when he started to talk. "I didn't want to say goodbye. Because Iâ" Breathe, breathe. "I didn't want to see you sad. I didn't think I could be the person to make you upset again. Not when things were better." Livvy wasn't alive, but Ty had seemed happy. Kit would only ruin it, or so he thought. "So I thought it was better to just go and make it a clean break."
That was an exaggeration; there was nothing clean about leaving Ty Blackthorn. Messy and disastrous, painful even. "I didn't leave because of Livvy," Kit clarified, swallowing hard and staring at the ceiling like it was going to give him the answers. He gave a half-truth instead: "It was dangerous to stay. Tessa and Jem could keep me safe and far away."
Ty swallowed, trying to take all of that information, the most words heâd gotten from Kit since Kit left for England, and process them. âWe could keep you safe.â But was that true, even as Ty said it as a gut instinct? Had he kept Kit safe over their time together?
No. Heâd dragged him around. Heâd pulled Kit into his investigating, heâd pulled Kit into his plan to resurrect Livvy. Heâd pulled, and pulled, and Kit had gone along with everything and Ty had just been on the assumption heâd wanted to.
Ty just did things, and those around him followed. He flushed with embarrassment. With the sudden realization of how others had maybe just been too nice to break away, until Kit had. âThings werenât better, when you left. We won, but-- I never stop thinking about what happened with Livvy. The hole my sister left was still there and then you were gone and that hole was even wider.â Piece by piece, Livvy had formed back in, but even she knew something was still missing.
In an instant, Ty felt himself blinking back tears, and it gave him a surge of nervous energy. His hands twisted together until he abruptly stood. âSorry. I should go. Iâm going to go.â
Kit was so mad that he could cry. Not at Ty, not really. But at the situation they were currently faced with. He wished he could sit up without being in pain. He wished that he could grab Ty's hand without causing problems. He wished that they weren't so tangled up and complicated and this could be an easy conversation. But he couldn't do any of those things and so he started taking short, deep breaths right along with Ty. The stupid heart monitor beside his bed was really giving him away as it picked up in a rapid staccato.
"Don't, don't go," Kit said quickly, trying to reach for Ty. It felt like a thousand yards between them. He needed Ty to just say it. Please, please his whole face seemed to beg. And there, with his hand outstretched, looking unintentionally pitiful and with his brows furrowed in a frustrated line, Kit said, "I tried to be enough, Ty. And I wasn't. Not enough to stay, not enough for you."
That hurt to say. The rejection after Livvy's resurrection had played in a torturous loop in his head, and Kit was left wondering what if and never getting a solution.
"It was dangerous," Kit repeated, because he didn't want Ty to think he was lying. But that had been a part of the reasonâa small, almost insignificant part of why he vanished from Ty's life. "But I didn't know where I fit in with you anymore. And I didn't know what to do. Leaving seemed easier."
Ty didnât go. He stopped before heâd even taken two steps, half because of the monitors beeping and half because of the desperation in Kitâs voice. He hadnât heard that tone in a few years now, not since-- not since Livvyâs resurrection. It made his heart hurt even more, a feat he didnât think was possible in this moment.
But he still couldnât look at Kit. Couldnât face him. Couldnât meet his gaze with his eyes. He could only look at the floor, and the doorway, and Church, who was staring them both down with judgement in his eyes. âYouâve always been enough for me. All I ever wanted was-- just- you. There. Around. Iâve never been able to be around people that Iâm not related to for very long except you.â
He sucked in a shaky breath, betraying the fact that he had tears running down his cheeks even though he tried to remind himself that this conversation happened because of Ty. It was all Tyâs fault. âI wouldâve always found a place for you. You fit just right with me.â
Kit knew this, Kit knew all of this. It was what had slowly started to turn his platonic love into romantic love, because like Ty, there weren't people he could stand to be around for a long time except him. But still the crux of the moment, the sting of rejection, soured everything. Kit couldn't seem to forget when they were chained the tree, waiting out the inevitability of battle, only to be told he didn't care. Ty had eviscerated him with a few words, and he seemed to be doing the same right now. In a very different way.
Church, judgemental and annoyed, stood to stretch and find a new position on the bed. One that wasn't weighing down Kit's legs. The moment he felt freedom. he was trying to get out of bed. Ty cryingâbecause he could hear him, and Kit hated every second of itâwas worse than the pain of falling off a building.
"There was a time I didn't think that was true," Kit admitted. He didn't want to hurt Ty, but he needed to hear the truth. And then he added, "I still think, thought, I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore." He huffed now tangled in his sheets. He should not be getting up, but. "But I'm sorry. I said some things to you that I wish I could take back and Iâ"
Kit winced as his feet reached the floor. But he powered through. "And I can't take them back but I'm sorry that I made you think I didn't care about you."
âNo donât--â Ty cut off but it made him turn towards Kit, that movement of him getting out of the bed, of the machines making their beeping noises. It was loud, and a lot, and he winced, but powered through. âYou shouldnât be getting up. Not yet.â The Iratze only speed up healing, it didnât instantly fix things - usually - which left the Shadowhunter in question weak and still vulnerable for a while after.
He didnât want Kit to be hurt at all, let alone vulnerable and injured twice in only a few hours. That was more encompassing to him than any noise around, and Ty went into hyperfocus mode to keep Kit on the bed. His hand hovered above Kitâs shoulder, but he didnât touch, not yet, not while they were arguing like this. âYou confused me. I canât just-- I canât jump around with things like all of you do. Dru told me it was like having tunnel vision, that I had blinders on to get to the goal.â
Ty sucked in a breath, but it offered no relief to the ache in his chest. âThen I was able to open my eyes and even if I had part of Livvy back, it felt like I lost everything else. And it was my own fault. If Iâd just been better, maybe things would have gone differently.â
Right, moving. He didn't regret it until Ty was telling him not to. Then his brain was supplying Kit with every single part of his body that was in agony and on fire. It nearly took the wind right out of him, but nothing hurt more than seeing Ty upset. Kit's Pavlovian response was to grab for him and hold him until it stopped. The antithesis of what he should have been doing while recovering.
But he was laying down again, breathing in hard short bursts, staring at the ceiling, and trying not to think about the pain. Kit focused on what Ty was saying, and he squeezed his eyes shut against the torrent of the truth of the 'tunnel vision'; the parts of Ty that Kit was adamantly and intimately aware of.
"I know," Kit said through gritted teeth, as the heart monitor started to slow into something normal and not something that would cause any of the short-staffed clinic employees to come running in. "I know all that. I know how you get, and I thought maybe, I don't know, I could get through it. Get through to you before everything turned awful." It had already been awful, but before it turned worse than that.
Kit could feel Ty's hand hovering, and with an aching and measured sureness to his gesture, Kit took Ty's hand and pressed it to his shoulder. He had been desperate for the contact. If Ty wanted to move away , he could, but Kit couldn't bear it if Ty thought the touch was unwanted. "It's not about being better, you're you, Ty. You were doing the best you could. And I can't, I'm not, mad at you for it."
When Kit laid back down, Ty sat back down. He wasnât going anywhere if there was a risk of more injury, or making it worse. Abandonment wasnât on the menu unless he was kicked out.
And now he was touching Kit, for real. His fingers dug into skin, not painfully but firmly. Steadying. A grip that reminded Ty of when heâd had Kit hug him before, something to keep him from feeling too much all at once. He wasnât sure if it translated the same to Kit, but he didnât let go.
There wasnât any part of him that expected Kit to mean any words heâd said before. The I love yous had sat there, in the back of his brain, when theyâd finally come to surface. They were words heâd heard a lot from his siblings, but never anyone outside family relationships, and they hadnât registered at first. At the time, with Tyâs tunnel vision, heâd heard those words so far away, so distant. He just hadnât had enough energy to respond.
And now it was years later. A moment lost. But even if Ty could have acknowledged them now, what he wanted more than anything was his friend back. âIâve never been mad at you either. I just missed having you around. The Scholomance wasnât the same, and Livvy only listens to me because she feels bad. I miss being your friend.â
Kit felt sick. Not the kind he had from being injured and moving when he wasn't supposed to, but the emotional kind of sick. The dizzy nausea that came from when your head and your heart were warring with one another and neither one could seem to make a logical decision. But when had Kit ever been logical about Ty?
Their friendship problems weren't solvedâin fact, far from fixedâbut this conversation and the start of rebuilding was long overdue. And Kit didn't say he felt lighter; Church was still weaving around his legs and Ty's hand was comfortingly heavy on his shoulder, but he felt not so button smashy. He closed his eyes again, exhausted and weary and happy. It was a weird combo, and he reached to grab hold of Ty's hand at his shoulder, because they had been holding hands before and it didn't feel so off limits anymore.
"Livvy listens to you because she's your sister and you make good points," Kit corrected. He never wanted to give Ty pity, and he was certain that neither did his twin, no matter what incorporeal form she took. "And I missed being your friend too. It's not the same. Not with other people. They don'tâthey're not you. Everyone else doesn't measure up."
Ty flushed with the compliment, he felt the same way, easily. Kit was as much of his person as Livvy had been, both fit into a comfortable space next to Ty and didnât deplete his reserves meant for Dealing With Others.
It helped him drown out the noise here. It helped him remain steady and near Kit, with a hand in his, a smile climbing his lips. Ty knew that he shouldnât have felt good about the fact that Kit didnât have anyone like him to compare to but he also had a selfish zing shoot through his chest at the thought. âWhen youâre feeling better, you can come with me to do research on the Beketh coven.â Like old times.
After a beat, Ty ducked his head a little. âYou missed me stabbing the Kraken in the eye.â And killing it, but that seemed a little too far in the bragging end of things, he wasnât as good as Emma as being boastful.
"I fall off a building and you stabbed a kraken, and I didn't get to see it?" Kit asked, sounding thoroughly put out. He would have loved to see that fierce determination in Ty as he finished off the seabeast, but he would have to settle for re-enactments and hopefully someone got it on video. Everyone always had their camera out in dangerous situations, so this was probably no exception.
He groaned, in awkward pain and in disappointment, and tried to settle further on the bed, uncomfortably so. Not because of Ty but the remaining injuries not healed by the iratze were making themselves known, triple fold. "You don't have to wait until I'm better to do your research. You just have to tell me whatâhnng, you find."
Kit glanced up at Ty, who had been smiling, and he didn't feel like a stranger to his former-now-renewed-forever best friend. He really did love that smile. "But I think I need to sleep first. Then can you tell me? And all the other stuff I missed out on too, with you."
Ty made a little noise of distress but was more content with the situation when Kit seemed to be getting more comfortable and drifting off. âWeâll work on your jumping and landing training after youâre feeling better.â Just because they were in another world was no reason to slack off. And Ty knew very well that Kit wasnât the type to take his training into his own hands.
Livvy would be happy to know they were talking again. Dru would have been too, if she was here. But neither more happy than Ty was, whoâs face was flushed and he still had to fight off the smile that seemed to have settled onto every part of him.
Ty sipped his headphones back onto his ears and pushed into a slouch on the uncomfortable hospital chair. âIâll be here when you wake up, then we can introduce Church to Irene.â