Surit Yeni (surit) wrote in valloic, @ 2023-03-10 12:05:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, ₴ inactive: surit yeni, ₴ inactive: tennal halkana |
Log: Tennal Halkana & Surit Yeni
Not that he was uncomfortable. He wasn't even really sure why he'd stopped mindlessly drifting on bad tv. Maybe it was the pins and needles starting up in his thigh. Maybe it was the low murmur he could hear from somewhere that wasn't the dim television. Something about that sound felt unnerving, and yet every emotion in his head was cozy. Relaxed. Safe.
It took him several long minutes in a quiet room to realize something was wrong. That feeling - relaxed, cozy, safe - it wasn't coming from him. He stared down at Tennal with slowly widening eyes. Oh Lights. Was this what he thought it was?
He was getting worked up so quickly that his normally orderly mind was chaotic and unhelpful. Worse, it reached out for stability without his permission. It reached for Tennal, because Tennal was his wild and wilful other half.
He slipped into a deep read of his boyfriend like tumbling over a crack in the sidewalk and falling head first towards the ground.
Tennal was exactly asleep. He was teetering on the edge of unconsciousness, partially woken from the changing light from the television, like a stubborn toddler who insisted they didn't need to go to bed despite the obvious and constant nodding off. He didn't want to fall asleep—he was grumpy, and unhelpful when interrupted—but he knew that the couch, and ultimately Surit's apartment, wasn't where he was supposed to spend the night. He appreciated Surit's need to be proper and slow, keeping their separate spaces, but Tennal was neither of those things, so he tried to cheat his way into a sleepover. Every night.
And he had been so close. It was almost too easy, with Surit's gentle touches and his warmth and this feeling of undisturbed comfort, the grateful safety he had in this position with Surit. Tennal could swear that Surit could feel it too, even if he wasn't plugged into his mind, as if he was reading it right out of Tennal's and—
Wait, wait, wait. That certainly jerked Tennal awake. He was pushing himself up so that he could hover over Surit's body. He could sense that this was accidental, unintentional, and apparently new.
"Hey, hey, Surit, you're—" Reading, was Surit reading him? Could Surit read him? Lights, was this what it felt like? He had been so used to his own reader abilities being swift and unobtrusive, like skimming the top of water, but this was deeper, more pronounced in his prodding. Tennal put a hand to Surit's cheek, his own panic starting to edge into his expression.
"You're reading me, I don't know how you are, but you are and you're going too far, too fast. You have to come back out, you're about as subtle as a ship in there."
Panic had welled up in Surit's mind like the oceanic chaos of Tennal's mind washing over him. But he'd found safe harbor in the scattering of thoughts. The one about him and how Tennal cheated to stay over every night made something warm expand in his chest, pushing back the anxiety of finding himself in someone's mind by accident. He pulled back. It should've been easy to withdrawal but Tennal's mind was familiar and welcome.
He'd missed it here, even more than he realized.
"Fuck." He didn't curse very often. The word sounded foreign in his own voice. "Sorry. Sorry. I…" Surit swallowed and pressed a hand over Tennal's hand where it rested on his face. He was finally only his own head. As far as he could tell anyway. "I didn't realize what was happening. I wouldn't do that to you if I-- you know I wouldn't do that to you on purpose." His soft eyes were large and apologetic in the dim light of the television.
"I know, I know you wouldn't," Tennal assured Surit as quickly as the apology came. But now curiosity was creeping in, and Tennal canted his head to one side, peering at Surit in the dim light, intrigued. This was not how he had thought their night was going to go, and yet somehow it was better than his mind could produce.
He tried to keep those thoughts at bay, knowing that unintentional reading was still possible. Tennal couldn't compete with verbal instructions while Surit may or may not see what ridiculous things Tennal was conjuring up.
"The number of times I have accidentally read people would embarrass you, I'd rather keep that secret to myself for the moment, but—" Tennal pressed his lips together as if he was sorting something out. "You're going to need to relax or you're going to be reading every single stray thought that comes across my mind, and your mind, and probably every single one of our neighbors," Tennal said, pointing above them, below, and side to side. "Lucky for us, they're probably sleeping, and you won't get much."
Another thoughtful noise, and then, "You just realized you could do it now? You didn't walk through anything strange or eat anything unusual, or I don't know, something to trigger it. Is it even possible? It might be, I never thought it could be, not when you were an architect but then you don't have those abilities, so we've never tried but then I have—" Tennal was a stream of consciousness, outloud rambling, and wholly out of his element.
Surit was determined to keep whatever this was locked down. He'd managed it with being an architect after all. He couldn't be that much harder.
He was very wrong, but for the moment, he was able to focus on Tennal's rambling and his face when he was laying all the pieces of a puzzle out for his sharp perusal. If the circumstances were less unsettling, Surit would enjoy him like this.
"I haven't done anything. Nothing different. I started working at the DOA but I doubt they're just handing out reader abilities with the new hire paperwork," he deadpanned. He was scared. Boundaries were critical for him. He even had them inside his own mind. He frowned and sat up straighter. "How do I relax? I mean, I was relaxed and I still…" He'd read Tennal as if it was easy. "Maybe it's temporary or. Just with you?"
Tennal seemed to consider this—what if reading was just with him? It would be almost like syncing, a fine attunement to one another through reading and Tennal's infrequently used, newly acquired architect abilities. But he also was a tiny bit pessimistic and didn't want to get Surit's hopes up in confirming it was just the two of them.
"How do you relax?" Tennal asked, surprised that he was asked. Tennal's brain was a chaotic mess; he didn't relax. He had just simply gotten used to all of the noise churning in that mental sea. "Uh, well. You just relax." No, no, that wasn't a good answer. Lights, he had never had to train another reader before, let alone Surit who needed direction to keep everything organized and on either sides of respective boundary lines.
Surit was a reader. Tennal couldn't seem to accurately process this information; no one had brought this up in all his poking and prodding in the network.
"Okay, allright. There's going to be a lot of noise, you'll probably hear a lot of random thoughts because some people just project that. That's not you reading them. That's the surface thoughts, and you will have to do your incredibly talented and sometimes frustrating mental wall thing to probably keep them out. But if you're not relaxed, it's going to feel—I don't know, like the inside of my brain."
Tennal sighed, frustrated because he knew he was doing a terrible job. "It would just be easier if I could get in there and show you."
Surit gave Tennal a blank stare with one slightly raised eyebrow when he said you just relax. But he was patient and quiet as Tennal thought about his process. It helped that he'd been inside Tennal's mind and new that there was a lot of chaos to sort through sometimes. Unfortunately, while he waited for the more carefully considered answer, he felt the incoming wave of surface thoughts that Tennal described. They weren't just Tennal's, they were from nearby apartments. He couldn't even tell how far out it was reaching, which was a terrifying thought.
Had Tennal always had to contend with this? Surit felt a surge of sympathy for Tennal as a child, learning to survive this invasive ability and the galaxy that treated his kind like dangerous criminals at the same time. He rested against the side of Tennal's neck and tried to use his "frustrating mental wall thing" to shut everyone out.
"It's…it's harder from this side of things," he frowned. "Or maybe I'm just out of practice. I haven't had to keep up an active wall in a while." He looked thoughtful for a moment and then tilted his head. "Couldn't you, though? Get in there and show me, I mean? You did it when you saved me in chaotic space." It hadn't been a full sync. In fact, it had been painful to initiate and to break away from, but it had allowed Tennal to thread himself into Surit's thoughts.
And it was easier to contemplate than the urge to sync again that now whispered in the back of his mind incessantly.
Tennal opened his mouth to argue, even raised a finger to correct Surit, but he quickly stopped himself as he realized what Surit was saying. Not a full sync—and the irony was not lost on him, the fact that they had talked about syncing if they could again, and now be provided this alarming coincidental opportunity—but something close. Tennal remembered. He had been scared for Surit in chaotic space, he had done it out of instinct to save him. Could he do it casually? Right here on the sofa of Surit's apartment without falling right on in to a sync?
His brows furrowed, and he was quiet for an uncharacteristically long moment; only the low buzz of the television filled the silence. And then all at once, Tennal popped into motion. "Yeah, yeah I can. I can do it. But if it gets too—you know, too much," Tennal said, waving a hand around to encompass everything. "You have to say something. You're not just going to suffer because I'm doing it, got it, lieutenant?"
He didn't wait for Surit to answer. Tennal was sure he was aware enough of Surit, always at the periphery of his mind, to know when to stop.
Tennal slid his hands to Surit's cheeks and lifted his face so that he could see him better. He smiled. "I don't need to see you to do this obviously, but I happen to like looking at your face." Tennal took a deep breath and then reached for him, mentally, reader and architect abilities used as one. He was not subtle, any person would notice someone pressing into their mind. And Tennal was unused to not being met with a mental wall. But with Surit he was, at least, gentle with his prodding.
The moment of silence was just long enough to give Surit a moment of doubt. It was one thing to say they would sync again given the chance when it was an impossibility. It was something else to agree to even this half-sync method of sharing a mind. He opened his mouth to apologize, to backpedal back to somewhere safe, but then Tennal was agreeing. Surit was glad he could sense Tennal wasn't uncomfortable so much as contemplative.
"You're the expert, Tenn. I won't keep anything from you." He tried not to lean too eagerly into Tennal's touch, but it had been months since he'd been able to pretend he was anything but eager where his boyfriend was concerned. He didn't put up a wall either. If anything, Surit opened himself up as much as he could and tried to make it easier.
His thoughts were half orderly, half chaos borrowed from stray thoughts. Where usually everything inside of his head had a rigid structure, now there was clearly debris and disorder. It wasn't even the beautiful organic chaos that Tennal's shared consciousness had given him. He thought openly - I don't like it like this and then made sure to clarify. If anyone's thoughts are going to be in my mind, I'd rather they were yours. And that thought inspired another; this one he said out loud.
"I shouldn't have been able to read you," he said. "You're a rank one architect and reader now. Your natural defenses should've been more than enough…"
Despite his own organizational methods he had 'indefinitely borrowed' from Surit, reading the inside of his mind was a welcome reprieve, a comforting sight. But even Tennal could understand that this was not the usual layout. His wonderfully particular boyfriend was dealing with the onslaught of potential chaos, and Tennal felt overwhelmingly protective of what unwanted noise might sneak into his mind. Only his, they should only be his.
Inside Surit's mind, Tennal pressed on further—catching those brief thoughts of hating this, and then wanting only Tennal's in there. He saw the tether between them, a thread not unlike the sync, and Tennal had to resist every urge to take hold of it. He was here to help Surit, not lay claim to unrestricted access to his thoughts and memories like the sync did. He could already feel himself hitting a wall.
He began to shut the 'blinds' of Surit's mental room, as though the stray thoughts of others were light shining in. He couldn't block it but Surit could pull them open when he was ready to let them in. That's what reading someone was, after all. But that didn't account for what Surit was asking. What had happened to his natural shields?
"I think," Tennal started to say, distracted as he moved around in Surit's mind, trying to stay in there and present all at once. "I think it's because of you." Then realized that he explained nothing, and sounded too accusatory. "Because it's you. The part that I have, in my mind. It left the door propped open. Or maybe the window. Not sure how you want to say you mentally climbed in that doesn't feel like you're intruding. You're not, by the way. Intruding. I know you would worry about that, but there's nothing in here that I'm keeping from you that you don't already know."
Surit closed his eyes instead of watching Tennal's handsome face close to his. It was hard to focus on the Tennal here and the Tennal inside his head at the same time anyway. And he needed to focus. He paid close attention to what Tennal was doing and how it immediately quieted the outside noise. The relief was instantaneous. Part of that might just have been Tennal inside of his head - a force of nature being so gentle with the inner workings of Surit's mind. With his eyes still closed, he turned his head in Tennal's hands to kiss his palm.
"Thank you," he murmured. "I don't know how you do it, making this seem easy. I guess you had to figure it out young. And hide it for so long?" He laid a hand on Tennal's thigh and squeezed. There was no changing Tennal's past but it had shaped who he was now and Surit loved the man he was now too much to want anything about him to be different.
His eyes were still closed but he felt surrounded by Tennal. Safe. Probably safe in the eye of a storm would be more accurate, knowing Tennal, but that just made Surit smirk. "I would be terrified right now if it weren't for you. Who would've figured things would work out like this, back at the start, huh?"
"Oh, I did," Tennal said, grinning wildly, because he was being absolutely ridiculous. He did, in fact, not know. But Tennal was of the mind fake it till you make it. "The moment you walked in on me completely naked on the Fractal Note, and the face you made, all—" Tennal made the face, a poor but semi-accurate caricature of his boyfriend's stern and stoic expression. But he only teased quickly before he pressed a kiss to the corner of Surit's mouth, apologetic. "But besides that, no, I had no idea that things would work out like this."
And for an incredibly long moment, Tennal regarded their situation in rapid succession. The thoughts had flittered unconsciously into Surit's mind, only because they were still tethered by reading one another simultaneously and Tennal was unwilling to pull out. They could stay like this, in each other's minds, but carefully, considerately. He could reach out to Surit with just a thought and they could understand each other more than they already had. Tennal could replace that piece he had unintentionally stolen from Surit's mind. He could help him keep the metaphorical shades closed on his reading until he was ready. Yes, it had been hard for Tennal to learn what to do as a reader, but it didn't have to be with Surit. And Tennal could always be there.
He realized he was asking for a sync again without verbally saying it. This wasn't a conversation for now, but it was a conversation to be had. With words, real actual words, and not the ones he was volleying inside their minds.
"Are you going to suggest I go back to my apartment after this so that I can get some sleep or can I convince you to let me stay? You know, for precaution with your new situation," Tennal asked. On the surface this was an innocent-but-loaded question, but the meaning was two-fold.
Surit blushed at the mention of how they met and unfortunately opened his eyes fast enough to see Tennal's impression of him. He raised a lofty eyebrow, even as a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. "I meant about me becoming a reader with you carrying my architect abilities, brat."
He didn't have long to smirk about that though, before Tennal's thought process swept through his mind like a tidal wave. It wasn't a shock. It was the easiest thing in the world thinking about the sync. As badly as it had gone at home, it had been life-changing and left a mark that was impossible to ignore. If it had been anyone but Tennal, Surit was sure that he would be carrying more fear and trauma, and that he'd never risk such a thing happening again. But it was Tennal and he trusted him more than he trusted anyone.
Surit brushed past the same thoughts and added a few of his own. Would it be easier here? Harder? Could they be what the sync should have been or was it just the lingering sync that made them long for it again in the first place? Surit brushed his fingertips along Tennal's jawline and gave a thoughtful tilt of his own head.
"You can stay as long as you want. You've always been able to say as long as you want." That probably gave away too much. He frowned. "We…we should talk about this. I mean, this," he murmured, nonsensically, knowing that Tennal would know what he meant. "Just…not tonight. Not with this so fresh? But I want to talk about it."
Easier, Tennal answered back instinctively into Surit's mind. It was rash, and obviously not considering any possible problems. He didn't want to entertain the idea that the desire to be reconnected was because of something out of his control. He wanted it, and consent was always a concern between them after so many things that didn't have their permission.
"Don't worry," Tennal said this out outloud. "I wasn't going to make you decide now. I know you need to think on it. Sleep on it. Do that incredibly frustrating, but also, Lights, incredibly attractive, thing where you find all the loopholes that could be exploited or go wrong out of the safety of others." Out of the safety of Tennal too. The thought warmed him. Having someone always looking out for his back was a new and precious novelty, and sometimes it was easy for his anxious brain to wonder why. What had he done to win over someone like Surit?
But Tennal realized too late that he was still in Surit's brain, tied together exchanging thoughts piecemeal through their mutual reading capabilities, and he slipped out almost too quickly.
"You should be okay for the evening, just practice keeping things closed when you're awake. There's nothing I can do about the sleeping part. Just requires some time. You'll get it, because knowing you, you won't stop until you do," Tennal teased, but he was gentle as he ran a finger along Surit's brow to ease the tension there. Tennal didn't like when he frowned. "And you have the best reader this side of the universe to give you the most hands on approach to teaching."
Tennal's escape was noted, but Surit let him ramble without interruption, as he often did. He'd learned quickly that he enjoyed listening to Tennal's train of thought. And he liked being at the center of Tennal's attention too. He'd never even cared for being at the center of anyone's attention before. Tennal might've enjoyed finding out he was the exception to yet another rule, if he'd stayed in Surit's mind long enough.
"It's a good thing sleeping next to best reader this side of the universe is a lot easier than sleeping alone, then." He leaned forward and kissed Tennal, first on the mouth, then the cheek, then the jaw. "You won me over by being you, you know," he said softly. "Don't think I even really stood a chance."
Pulling back, he pushed to his feet and pulled Tennal up with him. "Let's go to bed. You can wear me out with your hands-on approach to teaching and I can show you what a good student I am."