Natasha knew how lucky she was to have this family, but she was especially grateful tonight. She hadn’t said anything, hadn’t even seen Kate, and yet her little sister had known. She’d known and had immediately rallied the troops. Before she knew it, Natasha was being descended on by Kate, James, and Steve. It wasn’t often she let herself be vulnerable, but with these three people, she knew she was safe. She let them smother her with food and hugs and terrible spy movies until she began to feel better.
Hours later they’d sent James back home with a multitude of hugs, while Kate had headed to her room with Lucky to do whatever it was that she did in the evenings. That left Natasha and Steve curled up on the couch together as the house finally settled into some semblance of quiet. She had pulled his arms around her, needing the solid presence of them to ground her, and curled up against him. “I’m glad you’re here.”
"I couldn't miss Kate's movie selection," answered Steve, trying to deadpan but failing as a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. Relenting to himself, he hugged Natasha a little tighter and followed up. "I'm glad to be here, too. I meant it when I said I'd always have your back, this type of thing included."
This whole situation definitely made him feel like he made the right decision to save her on Vormir when he had the opportunity to do so. But he also knew that it wouldn't help to bring any of that up, either. Right now, his primary purpose was to just be there for Natasha when she needed him to be. And as often as she needed him to be. "Besides, you're letting us in. That means a great deal."
“I’ll be sure to tell her that.” Natasha’s tone was amused as he pulled her in closer. Being there in his arms was warm and secure- in stark contrast of everything she’d felt on that barren wasteland of a planet. It had been her choice (unlike with Gamora), and she stood by it, but Natasha had come to accept that all of that could still come with very complex emotions that took her by surprise now and then. She’d tried to ignore them at first, then when that didn’t work she went off alone. Finally she was starting to get to a place where she’d allow herself the grace of leaning on the people who loved her. “Like you three would let me get away with not letting you in.”
She teased, but the sentiment behind it was truly one of gratitude. It meant everything to her that none of them would let her get away with silence and isolation anymore.
"You have managed to surround yourself with some very stubborn people, it's true." Which was certainly better than arguing that she was more than capable of shutting people out if she really wanted to. In turn, being why it was so valuable that she was choosing not to. Honestly, that was what he appreciated even more. That kind of trust didn't come easy to people with severely traumatic backgrounds. Steve wasn't fond of his childhood, but compared to some people it was a walk in the park.
"But now it's just the two of us, so if there's anything else you needed to do or say, I promise not to spread the word."
What else did she need to say? Lying there in his arms, Natasha grew quiet as she considered that question. One of her hands drifted lightly over his arms, fingertips softly drawing unseen patterns on his skin. “There are weeks, months even, when I start to feel like I’ve moved past it. Then all it takes is just a second - a sound, a smell, a reminder and I’m right back there again. I want to be present here and enjoy what I have, and I get frustrated with myself for getting pulled backward again.”
"I'm not a licensed therapist, as you know, but that sounds like a pretty normal thing when dealing with trauma. And if this evening is an example, you don't have to get through it alone. You may never get fully through it, and that doesn't make you a failure. It makes you human and, call me biased, but I like human Nat."
He'd watched her draw the little patterns on his arms, the artist side of him appreciating the near absent-minded doodles she was creating in her mind. Even though he couldn't follow well enough to visualize what she'd been 'drawing,' the fact that she turned to creativity instead of sinking into sadness again was a good sign.
He was right and she knew it. Such a large portion of her life had been dictated by people (men) who wanted her to be everything but human, to pack away any normal reaction to pain and trauma. That wasn’t her life anymore, and she was allowed to feel things. Even if she sometimes needed reminders to do so. She drew swirls down his wrist. “Guess I’m still unlearning things.”
"I hope you eventually unlearn everything you need to, but I'm with you every step of the way. And there's plenty for us to learn together, too. I still don't know what an Instantgram is, for example." Steve smiled over her head, knowing she couldn't see it, but he was happy to have someone like Natasha in his life. It had sparked something inside him when she'd kissed him on that escalator, so many years ago, and like a slow burn… well, things always seemed to have a way of working out.
Natasha hoped she could unlearn it all too. With these people in her corner, and her own sheer stubbornness of course, she was pretty sure she stood a good chance of it. There would still be bad days. Probably a lot of bad days, given her past. She’d take them as they came. Bad days were a lot more manageable now.
Steve calling it Instantgram brought out a genuine laugh. Which Natasha was certain was the whole point. “You know I’m always happy to teach you about Instantgram.” She shifted her weight onto her hip so she could adjust her position to look at him. “You know I’m here for your bad days too, right?”
With a small grin, Steve nodded. "I wouldn't expect any less. Thankfully, I don't have many. I don't carry much guilt or regret, maybe it's that whole trying to always do the right thing at the right time part of me. But I do know, when I have those days, that you'll be right there. That's part of what makes this relationship work, it's not one-sided in any sense of the term."
Steve freed a hand to tuck some stray hair behind Natasha's ear and leaned in to give her a kiss, now that she was facing him.
It was a rare thing in their line of work to not have those bad days. Then again, Steve had always been the best of them. Chosen specifically because that’s just who he was. Not for the first time Natasha felt supremely lucky that they had this chance together, and she melted into his kiss contentedly. When they broke apart, she smiled up at him with the type of expression that Kate and Yelena would definitely tease her about. Complete heart eyes.
Natasha may have sacrificed everything to save the world, but in the end, she’d received so much back again. All the bad days were worth it to still have this. To have him. To have them.
“Stay here tonight?”
Steve's response was simple. He lifted Natasha as he shifted off the couch and carried her back to her bedroom. Was she able to do so with the power of her own two feet? Sure, but he knew it was also coming up on Valentine's, so a little extra romance couldn't hurt. Besides, the bed was far more comfortable for snuggling than the couch. And more private.