Quentin Coldwater (magicianquentin) wrote in valloic, @ 2023-02-03 01:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, ₴ inactive: eliot waugh |
And now this shit? Stupid fucking Hell had to ruin everything.
At least he could get in to see Eliot and try to talk some sense into him. He still didn't really understand how he wound up in Hell in the first place. Eliot did not belong there, no matter what he might think. He wondered what kind of guilt was keeping the man there. It could be anything really. Luckily, Lucifer was willing to bring him to where Eliot was.
"You won't be able to just tell him to leave. At best you can try and convince him that what he is experiencing isn't real. It is something though."
He wasn't sure what he was going to tell Eliot, but he knew that he had to try. He stood outside the door and took a deep breath. He held it for a few seconds then let it out and opened the door. He didn't know what to expect Eliot's Hell would look like, but this scene had never seriously entered his mind. His heart broke all over again when he watched Eliot turn him down. Had he honestly expected the man would agree? He couldn't remember, but he was pretty sure that in the moment, he did.
Quentin shook his head and stepped up to put a hand on Eliot's shoulder to get his attention then moved to stand in front of him. Quentin looked up at his friend. His lover. His Dom. What could he say to him? He could see the pain in Eliot's face and it hurt more than being rejected had. "Sir..." He reached up and cupped his face gently. "Eliot, look at me. Please."
The loop was endless, reminding Eliot of the pain he'd brought because he had been a coward and couldn't trust proof of concept, couldn't trust and believe what he had lived. Most of all it reminded him that his actions had ultimately lead to Quentin's death and that he'd died to save him. He wasn't worthy of of someone so kind, loving and special, even now. He was right where he belonged. Finally being punished for his sins.
At first Eliot didn't feel the touch to his shoulder, but then there was a familiar face before him and a voice he knew. Quentin? He forced himself to look into his eyes. What was he doing here? Had he somehow drawn him in? No! Quentin didn't belong here.
"Q? W...what are you doing here?" Was he hallucinating? He blinked his eyes several times, but there he remained. Eliot pulled his hands away. "Get out of here. You have to go. You don't belong here." His mind reeled and ever playing was the loop that filled his ears and thoughts. "I'm so sorry, Q. I'm sorry I couldn't be brave. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm sorry I'm the reason you died. I fuck up everything!" He shouted with anger.
...what if we gave it a shot? I mean, would that be that crazy? Why the fuck not?
Eliot turned back to the scene that would forever play out. "Because I'm fucked up and a coward, that's why. Because I'm selfish and didn't think someone as amazing as you could actually love me and want me. Because I couldn't trust the beauty of all life that you showed me, that we shared."
He stood there, watching. "Get out of here, Q. I din't know how you got here, but you have to go. This isn't your sin, your hell." He turned around. "Go! Get out of here! Now!"
Quentin shook his head. "Sshh. It's okay, Eliot." He let him push his hands away and shook his head. "I belong with you, Eliot. Where ever that is." He had gone into this knowing Eliot would very likely react this way. He hadn't quite expected the man would shout at him this way. HE flinched at the harshness in his voice. His instinct was to leave. Sir told him to leave, and his body reacted but he forced himself to stay put.
He watched Eliot's face as the scene played out again and shook his head. His heart was breaking to watch that level of pain. What broke his heart more is what Eliot said and seemed to believe.
I'm sorry I'm the reason you died
He moved to stand in front of him again and reached up to cup his face, forcing the man to look down at him. "Eliot, I'm not leaving you. I love you, and you love me. I know you do. YOU know you do." He dropped one hand and gestured at the scene behind him. "That was just one moment. You weren't ready, and I knew that. I forgave you for it a long time ago." He stopped to see if the words were sinking in. "You love me, and I love you. No matter where you go, I will follow you because I belong with you. And you belong with me."
It wasn't okay. Quentin shouldn't be here. He needed to go. He had to get out of this place. He was so adamant that he belonged with him, but Eliot could see his reaction to his words. He could see the pain, the hurt, the struggle within to do as he was told and leave. A small part of him was proud of Quentin in that moment. However, the bigger part, the majority of him knew this was no place for him. He was good and pure, a heart that had faith, hope and believed in so many things when he couldn't, when others couldn't.
Quentin stood before him again trying to talk some sense to him. He stared into his face knowing he meant well, knowing he did love him, but that didn't change anything. It didn't change what Eliot had done. Not just when it came to Quentin, though that was his biggest regret, his greatest guilt, but here in Hell, his other regrets and sins mingled with the scene that played over and over.
Quentin may have forgiven him, but he didn't think he would ever forgive himself. "I know you love me." God, did he know, but here, now, love was overwhelmed by guilt, regret and shame. So many things he'd done wrong and others had paid the price. At last the day of reckoning had come and he was getting what he deserved, he was paying the price. "You must go. You can't stay here." Eliot wouldn't have it. "Go now before...Go! Get out of here, Q!" He put his arms around Quentin and half walked, half pulled him to the doors. "You don't belong here." As if by magic the doors opened and he shoved Quentin out into the hall before the doors slammed shut. "I love you," whispered.
I know this sounds dumb, but us. We... You know, think about it. Like, we... we work. And we know it 'cause we've lived it. Who gets that kind of proof of concept?
We were just injected with a half-century of emotion, so I get that maybe you're not thinking clearly.
No, I'm just saying, what if we gave it a shot? I mean, would that be that crazy? Why the fսck not?
I... I know you and you aren't... Q, come on. I love you, but you have to know that that's not me and that's definitely not you, not when... not when we have a choice.
Okay.
The loop continued as it always would. Eliot slowly turned around. He was in Hell where he belonged for causing Quentin so much pain and ultimately his death.
Quentin didn't know what else he could say to convince Eliot that he belonged with him. Where ever he was, even in Hell. "You don't belong here, El! You belong with me!" How the man couldn't see that was completely beyond him. What was so wrong with him that he wanted to relive this over and over again? Well maybe wanted was the wrong word. Deserved. That was a better word. He could see that Eliot thought he deserved this.
When Eliot grabbed him to physically force him out of the room he shook his head and pushed back against him. "NO!" He tried to dig his heels in, literally, but it was impossible. Eliot was not much bigger than him, but it was enough to give him an advantage. The fact that his instinct was to do exactly as Eliot asked did not help. But he fought back anyway, even if it was futile.
"Eliot! STOP! You don't belong here either!" He felt the door behind him and shook his head. "NO!" He put his hands on Eliot's arms and shoved but it did nothing. The man had it in his head that he belonged there and it was clear that there was nothing Quentin could say that would change his mind. Or maybe there was something he could say, he just hadn't said it yet. And he wasn't being given enough time to figure it out.
When the door opened and he was shoved out he looked into Eliot's eyes. "Please don't leave me, Sir." HE was thinking again but that might have been the very worst thing to say so he held it. "Don't make me leave you." It was the last thing he got to say before the door was shut again. "GODDAMMIT ELIOT!" He pounded his fist against the door and turned to lean his back against it. He couldn't leave him there.
So he just slid down and sat with his back to the door to wait. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for, but he was going to sit there until he figured it out.