WHAT: Catra and Adora deal with Dan's disappearance WHERE: Darla WHEN: Today a while after the notifs WARNINGS: Some sad and talk of death STATUS: Complete
Fuck this phone, fuck this morning, fuck this whole day. Just a lot fuck fuck fuckity fucks. That was Catraâs vibe today. It was always dreadful to see that list pop up and sheâd been on a good streak of being spared any emotional turmoil. She remembered how it felt, though, to see JJâs name on it - then Simon and Baz (she literally bought a cashmere cardigan in that bastardâs name, it was expensive but she still thought of him every time she wore it). It sucked.
But Dan?
Dan?
He was the first one to talk to her on the network. The first one here she even remotely spilled her guts to in the beginning - when she was sleepless and frazzled, unsure what to do with all these feelings when it came to Adora. The guilt and the trying to do better, trying to live with yourself after everything thatâs been said and done. She had sibling-type friends in Richie and Alex but Dan? No, that was something different.
Catra was a grown ass woman. She didnât need a goddamn parent. But Dan had also said youâll always be my very grown-up kid the last time they saw one another and it had hit her hard. She may have taken those words to heart and seared them to memory forever.
Now he was gone. Dead, actually. Dan didnât have anything to go back to unless he was transported into some other pocket dimension world like Vallo - but she didnât know. No one knew. She wanted to believe he did.
There was a good chance he didnât.
So Catra was mad about it. (If her lashing tail and Melogâs crimson mane were any indication.)
The morning had been full of shock but she hadnât shed a tear. She had things to do (like finish planning details for Scorpiaâs birthday), places to be. Lots of drawers had been slammed shut, and she may have been cursing up a storm under her breath and she didnât want to talk about it because whatâs there to talk about? Being sad did jack shit and people disappeared from Vallo all the time leaving others to deal with the aftermath of their absence. It was just part of the damn game.
Downstairs in the kitchen, the cabinets faced her wrath like her dresser drawers did. Lots of slamming, lots of grumbling curses and trying to find the creamer she wanted except they were out of the creamer and when was the last time they did groceries? They had fuck all in here and she didnât want just plain ass fucking milk in her stupid coffee, she wanted that salted caramel shit in it.
âText me what you want me to pick up from the store and Iâll get it,â Catra bit out, doing her best to keep that anger contained even if she wanted to explode with it. Was this bacon even good? She took one sniff out of the bag, deduced it wasnât and then shoved it into the trash can like it had offended her personally. Fuck you, bacon.
Catra and Adora were no strangers to loss.
Theyâd lost friends in the time theyâd been here. Theyâd lost people they cared about back home. Theyâd lost each other, which was easily the worst loss of them all. And theyâd recovered from all of those losses, come out of it all stronger even though it was hard and it hurt, and there were times they thought it was impossible.
This was another one of the impossible times.
Adora loved Dan. There was no question about that â at least she didnât think so. He was a good man whoâd taken them under his wing and looked out for them in his own way. He was easy to feel comfortable around, to talk to when she was feeling awful. It was because of him that sheâd started seeing a psychiatrist and was starting to feel better. Perfect? No. But her anxiety had massively leveled out. There were plenty of days she could even go without the edibles and feel completely normal, and he was to thank for that.
Catra was definitely closer to him, though. Heâd danced with her at their wedding, looked at her like a surrogate daughter. He wouldâve been like a grandpa to Finn when they came along; Adora had already planned to get him (and all the other important family people in their lives) cheesy shirts to announce it whenever the time came.
Now, he was gone, and it was easy to see that Catra was devastated. She might not show it like Adora (who had been cuddling on the couch with Spirit and Ivy and just sort of moping), but the seething anger she was expressing meant the same thing. Adora watched her storming around in the kitchen over the back of the couch and wiped her eyes before straightening up.
âWhy donât you come sit with me and we can just put in a delivery order?â
âI donât want to sit,â Catra retorted, keeping that angry venom in check when it came to addressing Adora. This was hard for her too. âAnd I donât mind going out anyway, this is just - when was the last time we even cleaned this fridge out?â
Yep, that was going to be her priority. The kitchen was her domain anyway, she should be cleaning this out regularly but had clearly been slacking. So she started to - aggressively - pull items from it, testing their scent and checking expiration dates for anything that might have gone foul. There was more slamming. She needed to keep doing stuff. Coffee had been her goal but then she got sidetracked and it didnât matter because it meant she was still keeping herself occupied.
Because if she stopped, then - what was she going to do? Cry? Pfft, absolutely not.
Adora sighed and rose from the pile of animals to actually go into the kitchen. She stood behind her wife for a minute, watching her pick up every item in the refrigerator and take a good whiff of it. They probably could have cleaned out the fridge more recently than they had, but it wasnât that bad. She knew what this was â a desperate need for a distraction. Sheâd done the same plenty of times when she was in a bad mindset.
âWhy donât we go spar?â she suggested. âCome on, itâs better than obsessing over the fridge. Iâll let you hit me as hard as you want.â
She was goading her just a bit, a playful smile curling her lips. She figured once she got Catra to let out all this angry energy, sheâd get her to talk.
That caused her to pause and contemplate. It was brief. The tension that caused her brows to furrow lessened, and she just shook her head. âDonât feel like fighting, âDora,â Catra mumbled, less agitated but still not okay. Not even close.
It was hard not to feel hyper aware of Adora in her space like this, the two of them binary stars always caught orbiting one another - and she knew what her wife was trying to do, knew that she was trying to find some outlet to let her feelings out but it wasnât that bad, alright? Catra could clean and organize and re-fill the everloving shit out of this fridge and be fine.
âDan would probably say some dumb shit, like,â she made a frustrated, growly little noise as she tried to open up a fucking pickle jar and failed, âitâs better to be productive and not violent and - itâs whatever. Why do we still have this if thereâs only one slice of fucking pickle left?? Like who even opened this up and was like âIâll use every other stupid pickle but this LAST ONEâ??â
Oh. Adora hadnât expected that response. Sheâd really thought Catra would just take the bait and they could work it all out from there. But, while she did seem a little less annoyed for a minute, she didnât want to move. She was determined to re-organize that fridge for some reason, which â okay, fine. It wasnât hurting anything.
She softened when Cata started talking about Dan, stepping up next to her to pluck the pickle jar out of her hand. âIâll eat the pickle, okay? Donât worry about it.â She turned to set the jar on the kitchen island, then turned back around to wrap Catra up in her arms and pull her back just for a minute.
âI know youâre sad and you donât want to be sad, so Iâm just gonna hug you. Because youâre my wife, and I love you, and you need it right now,â she informed her matter-of-factly. There was no question, but her grip wasnât iron; if Catra really wanted to escape she could without any problem. âIâm really, really sorry about Dan.â
It wasnât even about that stupid pickle either - it was just an easy target to direct her wrath too, all by itself floating pathetically in that damn jar and it couldnât talk shit back. Catra was almost miffed about the thing being taken away because didnât Adora see that she was in the middle of opening it? Back off, wife, she was busy, she was -
Getting a hug.
Just like that, whatever fight that had lit up inside her towards a grosser version of a cucumber died. Adora could easily feel how her body then melted into her, imperfect pieces of a puzzle fitting together like they were perfect. From the corner of the room Melogâs once red mane cooled, a reflection of how easily she settled when it came to Adoraâs touch.
This wasnât new. That was how it always worked - Catra getting riled up, and it would take Adora doing something atrociously simple like putting her hand on her shoulder to reel her back. It rang true in childhood and continued that way through adulthood.
There wasnât some loud, shuddering breakdown for Adora to hold her through, though - and whatever sound she did make was quiet, small. A sniffle. A stupid sniffle.
Then, an even quieter whisper: âHeâs dead.â
This time, Catra did exactly what Adora had expected and settled right into her arms. Ever since they were little things, sheâd been able to comfort her in a way no one else could. Not that sheâd ever allow anyone else to come near her like this. It had always been the two of them against the world. Even the other cadets in their class had never really understood.
That sniffle, the way Catraâs voice barely carried the words â Adora bit down on her bottom lip to contain the next bout of tears that threatened to fall. Sheâd been thinking the same thing. This wasnât like what would happen if the two of them ever ended up back on Etheria â they were fresh from the war and at least not in any immediate danger. But Dan was gone, dead gone. That was no secret.
âI know.â Her hands stroked up and down her wifeâs back, and she buried her nose into Catraâs hair, right in that crook of her ear. âIt really freaking sucks.â
âSo much,â she croaked out, unmoving for the first time today. Adora had succeeded in making her stop and when she stopped, most of that rage went up in smoke. Left behind was just sadness.
Catra let her cheek squish into her shoulder, and her arms slid up her back to dig her fingers into her shirt. Claws werenât out; she was conscious about retracting them, not wanting to prick Adoraâs skin and cause unnecessary pain. âI should have visited more,â she said next, swallowing. âI should have⊠done more with him while he was here. Texted more. Something.â
He knew she cared, right? Dan had to know. Actions spoke louder than words for Catra and she tried to show more than tell, and she hoped she got the message across and that he never doubted it once but maybe she should have cemented it more with words. Been more direct. Wrote it down somewhere that he could read and hold it over her head and never let her live it down.
She would have preferred that so much more than him just being gone.
Yeah. Adora had been having similar thoughts, felt like she should have done more. Dan was one of their important people. He was kind and good and always there for them when they needed him, even when they didnât realize it. She had to believe he knew they loved him. Just because they hadnât stayed in the same house didnât mean that wasnât true.
She held onto that belief, her voice firm when she spoke. âHe knew how you felt about him, Catra,â she assured her quietly. âMaybe you didnât say it a lot, but that doesnât mean you didnât make it clear. He knew you, babe.â
She knew Catra. She knew how she showed her love, that it was less about the words for her. And Dan was smart and intuitive. He had taken to her right from the beginning, and even her snark hadnât taken him out.
He did. Adora was right. Dan had always taken anything she threw at him with grace and understanding, and he had done his fair share of screw ups so he always knew the pit of regret and guilt she often found herself spiraling in. Catra was going to miss that - having someone around who understood.
âI know,â she sniffled again, pulling away just enough so she could wipe beneath her eyes. Gods, she hated this a lot. Catra had a decent control over the waterworks at least - she didnât want to be some pathetic, weepy mess in their kitchen. Dignity, okay. âI know. Itâs not fair, and I hate this place sometimes because - thatâs how easy people can go, right? One day theyâre here and they built this life, a good one, because not everyone can do that back home and then itâs⊠gone. All of it. Theyâre all gone.â
It was stupid to think anything was guaranteed.
Okay, there was no way Adora would let them just stand in the kitchen for this conversation anymore. One hand reached out to shove the refrigerator door closed, then returned to Catra, arms shifting to lift her into her arms and carry her back out to the couch. She settled her wife into her lap, chin hooking over her shoulder.
âNothing about this place is forever,â she said, after a few long moments of trying to find the right words. âI know we want it to beâŠâ Gods, she wanted it to be. âAnd I guess thereâs always a chance. But thereâs always the same chance this is going to happen. But at least he was happy, even if it wasnât forever. I think thatâs what matters more than anything.â
Catra was definitely done moving for the foreseeable future now when she was like this - straddled perfectly on her wifeâs lap, everything about having been picked up and situated like this as natural as breathing for them. Adora could pick her up and move her around as if she weighed less than air, and she was so trusting of her that her body went into âragdoll modeâ and allowed it.
âYeah,â she agreed after a minute and several sniffles later, tail wrapping itself around her bicep to fuse them that much closer. âHe was. Having this was better than not having this at all. But itâs still unfair and I hate it. He deserved to stay here and stay happy.â
There wasnât anything anyone could do. She could bitch and gripe and mope all she wanted - and the release felt cleansing in a sense, but it also did nothing. This is the way the cookie crumbled. It wasnât the first time and it would never stop being the last.
Her arms squeezed around Adora tightly, face buried into her neck. âGetting close to people here is such a scam. Friendship is dumb. I hate feelings.â
Those statements werenât really serious. It was her attempt to almost make her brooding even a little bit funny - she honestly had no regrets of meeting Dan, getting to know Dan and having become so close to him. All the connections sheâs made here were always going to be worth it.
Even if they werenât always going to be permanent.
Adora shifted to make them both comfortable. She leaned back into the corner of the couch, one hand stroking up and down Catraâs back while the other tangled with her tail, stroking the soft fur soothingly. She understood these feelings. Theyâd lost people before, felt these feelings before, but it never got easier. All they could do was let it out and hope that helped.
âItâs a good thing, though,â she countered mildly. âIt sucks when this stuff happens, but youâre a good friend to have.â She smattered kisses across the freckled cheek nearest her, grinning the whole time. âAnd I like you with feelings, personally. Youâre extra cute and snuggly.â
âIâm nooooooot,â she protested heatlessly, trying to keep her face away from those kisses but she also wasnât trying too hard. They felt nice. They always made her feel better. Catra scrubbed at her face, drying off the bit of dampness her cheeks had gained - it wasnât much because, again, she didnât feel like having a dumb meltdown.
It also gave her an opportunity to give Adora a kiss, too. An affectionate forehead one. âLove you, though. I know you want to do a cuddle pile on the couch too, so.â Catra sighed. âIâm down for it. He meant a lot to you too.â
âHe meant a lot to both of us,â Adora agreed, pressing a kiss to the side of her wifeâs mouth. âAnd Iâm always up for a cuddle pile, but if you really want to do something, we can do that, too. We could take the dogs out for a walk, get some air?â
The yard she and Adam had been working on was finished now, all fresh and pretty and surrounded by a fence just high enough to keep dogs (and maybe toddler-sized people) contained without any trouble. But Adora still took Spirit for walks every morning â runs on Mondays and Fridays with Richie. She knew he could always go for another one.
Actually - yeah. Catra nodded. âLetâs do that,â she agreed. âWe can do the grocery delivery thing then, and try to⊠get some food, I guess.â Her appetite was something that was easily killed by a foul mood but part of her wanted a grilled cheese later.
It wouldnât taste like Danâs, though.
The next kiss was to her lips, sweet and soft. âLetâs just sit here for like⊠ten minutes first. And exist,â she requested with a sigh, leaning into her again. âJust⊠ten minutes.â