lance alvarez (powpowpow) wrote in valloic, @ 2022-04-06 12:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, ₴ inactive: lance alvarez |
From the moment he'd woken up - or what qualified as waking up when one had barely slept - Lance had felt the nagging feeling of something being off. A deep-seated restlessness that was firmly settled into his mood. An edge of feeling short and vaguely disconnected heaped on top. Things he tried to explain away with his shit sleep, a less than stellar therapy session the day before and a whole jumble of emotions he'd been picking away at since.
But he went about his day, trying all the while to shove the bad mood and bad feelings down and carry on.
"Come on, Monty," Lance said toward the dog as they headed down to the hanger to take Red out for a fly, Monty having paused to sniff at something that was apparently interesting along the floor. Monty gave a bark and bounded off towards Lance.
"Hey, Red," he called out as they got closer, trying desperately to ignore the sinking feeling of something being wrong as they got nearer.
As he stepped into the space below the large lion though it was clear he couldn't ignore it anymore. And suddenly the god awful feeling of something being wrong that had nagged at him all day made sense. Because there was Red, barrier up and far too quiet across the bond that tied them together.
"Red?" Lance said, a tinge of worry to it. "You okay, girl?" because something was wrong right? Something would have to be wrong for the barriers to stay up.
Lance let out a slow breath, closed his eyes and reached across their bond to try to find an answer. It was faint, the connection, fainter than it should be. Not gone, not entirely. But out of reach somehow. Like reaching out to grab something that was falling and just missing it, hand closing over nothing but air. Lance sucked in a sharp breath, panic seeping in.
"Red?" he asked again as he looked up at the silent lion. "Come on, Red - it's me…" and his voice cracked on the words as the panic grew. He'd been here before. With Blue. Literally crawled across the floor and begged and it was just as awful feeling right then as it had been then.
Lance pressed his hands against the barrier, his forehead falling to it. "You mad at me?" he asked quietly, racking his brain for anything that could have made that happen. Some slight he could have partaken in to have Red shutting him out. Something easily fixable and not the maybe you're not worthy, maybe you never were that had started to take hold. "Whatever I did, I'll fix it, I swear - I'll - be better - whatever you need.." he rambled a little, the world very much feeling like it had just dropped out from under his feet.
He let out a shaky breath, Monty nudged at his legs but it didn't quite register just then. "Just let me in…" he whispered, willing with everything in him that the barrier dropped, that he'd crash into the floor with how hard he was leaning against it. "...please?"
He wasn't sure how long he stood like that, lost in his own thoughts, in the panic that had taken hold. Distantly aware of Monty nuding at him more and more as his breathing fell into ragged gasps of air. There was a half formed thought to call someone, to reach out to the others. But he couldn't muster it. Not then at least.
"Okay," he got out after a long while, somewhat defeated in the word.
Lance turned to lean his back against the barrier and sunk down. Monty nuzzled into his side and he half heartedly raked a hand through the longer fur of his chest. He let his head fall back against the barrier, Monty taking the invite to all but crawl onto Lance's lap. But he was grateful for it. The initial panic settled into a more long burn thing, a terrible feeling of dread and loss that he was all too familiar with really.
"Guess it's just you and me for now, buddy," he said softly to the dog curled up in his lap, and managed a weak smile at the face full of slobber it rewarded him. He'd touch base with Atreus, Keith, and Shiro soon - but right then it all felt too big and too raw.