The last couple of weeks had been fraught, to say the least. Thor made it a habit to stop by and visit with Fandral, but he stopped spending nights there and had put a distance between them that hadn’t been there before. His talk with Darcy had brought light to the fact that, yes, it was possible that what he was feeling toward Fandral was likely more than just relief that his friend was alive again. A lot more than that.
And he had said to himself that day that he would do something about it. But his courage had left him when he had left the warmth and comfort of Darcy’s RV and he had then made a deal with himself to deal with the status quo. That had been going fine until Fandral had decided, before he was completely healed, to go out and party. And that made Thor realize that maybe he really did have a problem on his hands.
He cared too much. And that wasn’t fair to anyone. Fandral was in the dark about his thoughts and feelings and he was just torturing himself with worry when he had no claim on the other man. So he struck another deal with himself to make like Elsa and let it go. Life was too short to be caught up in something as silly as feelings. They were here and they needed to make the best of it. So Thor had messaged Fandral a few days before the Potts-Stark wedding and asked him if he wanted to go together, as they usually did to events. Events like these were always more fun with a partner and Thor was looking to get back to normal with the other Asgardian.
It was the reception now and so far, it was…nice. Everyone was dressed well and Thor was having a good time dancing with everyone - Darcy, his daughter, and Fandral, of course. He was off at his assigned table, taking a water break, when someone sat down next to him.
Fandral.
Smiling at the other man, he teased, “Feet sore already?”
If he were being completely honest with himself, the invitation to join Thor for the wedding had come as a bit of a surprise given how things had been feeling between them recently. Finding himself in anything but the other man’s good graces always made him feel… well, something that he wasn’t used to feeling and something that he preferred to push deep down. Hiding it with drink and sex and other such distractions that kept him laughing.
That didn’t stop him from wanting to impress him, however, and looking his best. Not that looks particularly mattered -- no, Thor had known Fandral for literal eons by this point. And he wanted to prove to him that he was fine. He’d been fine, he survived and he wasn’t going anywhere.
Not if he had anything to say about it, at least.
Though perhaps he didn’t, not that he really wanted to think about that.
Fandral settled into the chair and leaned back, promptly and casually crossing one leg over the other as he reached for his drink he’d left on the table and downed what remained of it before responding. “I would not say that, however it would be wise of me to rest every now and then, I am sure.” While the wounds had healed, and all that remained of his attack was scarring, his energy levels hadn’t quite bounced back to normal yet, though he didn’t know if that was due to the injuries or something else entirely. “Why are you not dancing?”
Having kicked off his uncomfortable dress shoes ages ago, Thor stretched his legs out in front of him and wiggled his sock clad toes to draw attention to his feet. Turning his gaze to Fandral, who was looking as dashing as ever, Thor admitted, “Sore feet.” He smiled as he cradled the glass of water he had been drinking from and looked away again toward the dance floor. He did love dancing and his Earth friends were always teaching him something new. But even Asgardians got tired occasionally and a little break was always helpful.
“I think I’m finally getting old,” he added, laughing a bit as he watched Torunn and James goof around on the dance floor. It was good to see his daughter so happy. A few months ago and he hadn’t even known she had been a possibility. But it was the best surprise of his life and he was glad that they were doing better at getting to know each other. “But that also might be the half keg I’ve consumed by this point, so don’t hold me to that.”
Sure, super human strength and stamina were something they were well known for in their realm, but even that wasn’t always a guarantee long term. A bit of a smile pulled at one corner of Fandral’s mouth, chuckling softly as he held the empty tumbler glass in his hands. “Aye, I do know that feeling.” Though he didn’t exactly care to linger on it.
He turned to look over at the other man for a moment before letting his eyes follow where they’d gone to the dance floor, watching the two young lovers enjoy one another’s company. It reminded him of simpler times and something that he, himself, had never really known. What Torunn and James had was special and despite everything, a small part of him envied that.
Fandral was quiet for a few moments and then glanced back over at Thor. “If I have not told you yet, you look as handsome as ever tonight,” he said quietly, though not so quiet that he couldn’t be heard over the music. “That colour suits you.”
The dusty salmon coloured suit he had on that evening had been stripped down until Thor was only left in the suit pants and the white button up he had been wearing under the jacket. His tie was lost somewhere on the dance floor - he was pretty sure he had been wearing it around his head at one point - and the white button up had all the buttons undone to show off the white muscle shirt he had on under that. He was rumpled, but still looked good, despite the hours of dancing and merrymaking they’ve been doing that evening.
But in his biased opinion, he didn’t even compare to Fandral the Dashing. “I look like a mess,” Thor deflected instead of taking the compliment with any kind of grace. “But you look fit for such an event,” he said, depositing his empty glass on the table behind them and reaching over to fix the collar of Fandral’s suit. He laid his hand on top of the collar and stroked his hand down to flatten it properly, before coming to clap the hand onto the other man’s shoulder. “Very dashing as always, my friend.”
Was this an excuse to touch Fandral? Perhaps.
Of course Thor had looked better put together when they’d first arrived at the wedding, but he always had a soft spot for the way the other man looked after a celebration. Something about Thor just seemed to radiate at events like this or maybe that was just his own biased view.
Fandral chuckled again softly and let his eyes wander down toward the empty glass he was still holding. “Well, I…” wanted to look good for you. But then his collar was being fixed and though he tilted his head to the side a bit for the moment it took to do that, his demeanor seemed to soften a little when he felt the hand on his shoulder. “Thank you.”
He couldn’t help feeling like something had broken between them in the recent weeks, but he couldn’t put a finger on why exactly and instead of addressing it, he avoided it, afraid of whatever it was that Thor might say. Something they both were good at, truthfully. Avoiding. Even though he wanted to excuse himself, get another drink just to give himself a moment, he stayed put and reached up and over with his other hand in order to rest it over the other man’s that was on his shoulder before he had the chance to talk himself out of it.
Thor did tend to come alive in big gatherings like this, but it was always nice to have a quiet moment like this as well. Especially with someone he cared about.
Except he had a new policy and he remembered that much too late because he was already staring into Fandral’s hazel eyes and getting lost in the moment. When he did remember though, he abruptly pulled away his hand and stood. Clearing his throat, he gruffly asked, “Would you like something to drink? I think I need something a little stronger than water.”
The moment had been there and then it was gone, a brief pang of hurt washing over him as Thor moved, standing and giving himself an excuse to get away from him. Or at least that’s what it felt like he was doing. What had he done to cause the other to act this way? He’d tried so hard not to get in his own head about everything ever since he’d returned from the ancient version of Vallo, but the alcohol in his system made him too vulnerable at that moment.
He glanced up at him and then nodded, looking back down at his glass before he set it aside. “I am going to step outside for a moment,” he replied, his voice more hushed as he stood. His hands instinctively adjusted his clothing in a couple of places to straighten the fabric out. “Just… need a bit of air, I suppose. It is, um, rather stuffy in here.”
Whatever moment they were having, it was clearly ruined, but that had been the point, hadn't it? Thor couldn't force his feelings onto Fandral and expect him to reciprocate when it wasn't in the other man's nature. So he had to button it down and stop being so obvious about what he felt in his heart.
This friendship had to stay just that, a friendship.
But it didn't sit right, watching what looked like hurt flash across Fandral's face. Thor resisted the urge to put his hand on the other Asgardian again, though he did say, "I'll meet you out there then, with our drinks." Then he turned and left in the direction of the bar.
He gave Thor a small nod in response before turning to seek out the quiet of the outdoors. Not that it actually was stuffy, but there’d been a moment there where he felt as though he couldn’t breathe quite right. Like a hand was gripping at a part of his heart or throat and giving a squeeze. Fresh air was certain to help that, right?
By the time the other man had returned, he’d become lost in his own thoughts, which is exactly what he’d been trying to avoid doing.
Fandral lifted his gaze when he heard footsteps approaching and instinctively gave Thor a warm smile, reaching for whatever drink it was that he’d gotten for him. “I hope whatever this is, it’s strong.”
“I told the bartender to mix me their strongest cocktail...so I suspect it won’t do the trick, but will at least be pleasant to drink?” Thor said, handing the glass over. He had considered getting one of the meads or ale Torunn had provided for the party, but Thor honestly wasn’t looking to get drunk that evening. He wanted to be clear and present for the event and the people around him.
He also promise Wanda to cut back on the drinking and, despite working for his daughter at the meadery, was actually managing that.
"We've been different, lately," Thor said after a few moments of silence. "And I want to apologize for that, since I know it is my doing."
No, he’d come to realize that just about the only thing that got him drunk was that mead, so he was quietly grateful for the less stronger option when he took the glass from Thor’s hand. Though at least he had a bottle of the mead at home just in case.
Fandral’s smile faltered for a moment and though his instinct was to just wave it off, act as if it was nothing, he knew he couldn’t. Not to him. So instead he hesitated before he spoke, eyes searching the other man’s face before falling to the newly filled glass in his hands.
“I have noticed that as well.” Of course he had, it was impossible to miss. “May I ask what the reason for that is?” Pause. “Have I done something?”
"I tried to lay a claim where I had no right," Thor admitted. "I let my personal feelings over you cloud reality and let them get the better of me. I was jealous and protective, like a lover would be, but I realize that isn't what we are." The words were spoken frankly and without hesitation. He had quite a bit of time to already have given them enough consideration. It was now time to speak to them.
Inclining his head to Fandral, Thor apologized. "Forgive me for my confusion, my friend. I will do better not to let that happen again, but I think it may be best if we stop sharing a bed."
He fell quiet as the other man spoke, the words something he hadn’t expected to hear and yet unsurprising in their own way. Though why he’d felt a sudden rush of emotion, he couldn’t say and he struggled to keep it out of his voice.
“I… all right. If that is what you wish,” he said, his words hushed and he took a drink from his glass to hopefully relax the tightening feeling. “Thor?” he questioned, glancing away briefly before forcing his eyes on him. It was only fair that he give this the same amount of attention as he was being given. “What is your reasoning for feeling as though… we are not that? Or could not be that?”
Well, that wasn’t a question that Thor had been expecting. Fandral was kind and considerate of a lover, so he had never felt unwanted, but he had never once thought that his feelings could be reciprocated. It just wasn’t who Fandral was. He flitted from one bed to another, as easy as breathing, and Thor didn’t begrudge him that or thought lowly of it. In fact, he envied the ease that Fandral had with the idea of having a new lover so often.
“You are Fandral the Dashing,” Thor said, eyebrows pinched together in confusion. “With a new bedmate with a blink of an eye. I’m not so arrogant to think I could have a tiger change his stripes to spots for me. But above that, I would not ruin our friendship over something as selfish as my wants.”
No, Fandral took great pride in treating his lovers with the utmost respect, never wanting one to feel as though they were simply being used. Because that was never the case. Sure, perhaps sex was a central part of whatever that was, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care.
His eyebrows rose up toward his hairline a little. “That does not mean I am unfeeling, Thor. I enjoy the pleasures of the body, yes, but that does not mean my heart is immune to…” Fandral breathed out a sigh and glanced away for a moment. “I do not wish to ruin our friendship, either, so if you feel that it is for the best, then I will not fight it.”
Except he wanted to. He wanted to argue it until he was blue in the face and make Thor see the ways in which he cared for him. “What are your wants, though? Honestly.”
“I want to stop speaking on this topic, honestly,” Thor said, eyebrows raised. He never thought of Fandral as unfeeling, merely that his softness toward others was temporary and endorphin induced. A large part of him wanted to dig into this conversation more, but he wasn’t as strong as his muscles would make him seem - his heart was soft and he felt too much. He couldn’t afford to have it broken again. “We had a great few hundred years, but I rather have our friendship over just sex.” He breathed out through his nose and then drank the entirety of his glass in one go. Putting it down on a side table nearby, he continued, “Now, would you like to return inside and see if we can get into some other mischief?”
“Is that all you think any of it has ever been for me? Just sex?” he asked quietly, fidgeting with his glass a little before taking a healthy drink from it. Suddenly he wished he had Torunn’s mead. Even if he did seem to keep many lovers, hearing that perhaps all Thor thought this was between them was just some sort of meaningless friends with benefits situation strangely hurt.
But he waved it off a little and though he felt his eyes burning with the threat of tears, he looked back up at Thor and forced a smile. “I may take my leave here shortly instead. I am… not feeling much in the mood for more celebration at this time.”
Thor frowned, not understanding. “Well, sex and companionship. A good time, sure. I had no delusions though, Fandral. I didn’t expect for you to spontaneously develop feelings for something more than friendship for me after all these years.” His own feelings had started many centuries ago - a crush that had quietly flamed into something more. But he had always sidelined it because Fandral had never been the kind of man to settle down. And that’s what Thor sought. A companion for life. A companion he was too selfish to share.
His relationship with Jane had not worked out because of how her work took up her time and how his duties to Asgard kept him from Earth. He had felt the beginnings of something more with Valkyrie, but she had been taken away from this world before they could have explored it in any meaningful way. And now Fandral...Thor had been behaving badly the past few weeks because of his feelings for Fandral. So that had to be stopped now, before it could progress further. He had not gotten his friend back, just for him to ruin their friendship with a crush that had gotten out of hand.
Fandral just nodded quietly. What else was there to say, really? Perhaps it was time to just put his walls up and figure out how to deal with the pain he was feeling. It was what he always did. Because of course this was going to happen, why wouldn’t it?
“I am… sorry. For whatever it is that I have done to make you think that I am not… capable of such things, I suppose.” Because he knew that he was and he had been. Perhaps monogamy wasn’t something he sought, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t able to love.
In fact, he felt that maybe he loved too much sometimes, even if he didn’t show it in the more traditional ways.
“For whatever it is worth, I do feel a way about you that you seem to believe that I do not. Which, I suspect, does not help the current situation we find ourselves in, but I did not want you thinking otherwise when we are being so honest about our feelings right now.”
Thor hadn't expected that confession, an admittance of feelings stronger than physical attraction and friendship that they had been nurturing for centuries at this point. "I…" and now Thor seemed lost because that changed things, didn't it?
Well, it didn't change everything, but it changed enough that Thor couldn't dismiss this as just a one sided crush now. "Well," Thor continued, trying to gather his thoughts. "Where does that leave us now?" Because the problem of Thor wanting Fandral came up against the fact that Fandral was a lot freer with his love than Thor's jealous tendencies were comfortable with.
Fandral was quiet for a moment. He should have felt better after telling the other man what his true feelings were, but he didn’t. If anything, he felt as though he’d only made this worse; he was who he was and that seemed to be the problem.
“I do not know,” he finally replied, his voice hushed and hurt. Instinct wanted him to take his leave, go back to his cottage and drink the bottle of mead he had, but he didn’t. He stayed, despite the pain he was feeling. “But I am sorry. For hurting you, in any way, by my actions.”
Thor barked out a laugh, one full of disbelief. "Are you apologizing for being someone that inspires love? Fandral, don't be ridiculous. The onus of this burden is for me to carry. If I could be less rigid, none of this would be an issue."
Quieter, as he looked away and over the night, Thor explained, "When you were hurt in the past and when you were so careless as to ignore your injuries to go out and carry on...that’s when I realized there was more to us being together. It was something that I allowed to grow all these years, but never allowed myself. And being here, I fooled myself into thinking it was simple, that I could carry on like we always have. Then we found ourselves falling into bed without a third. Then more often and then...here we are. Me. A jealous, foolish idiot. You, too caring to fault.”
Fandral was quiet as Thor spoke, standing there, looking at him. Admiring even, in his way. It took a lot to make him speechless, but in that moment he had no idea what to say. All he knew was that he feared losing this man and losing whatever it was that had grown between them over the many, many years.
“You do not wish to share me with others.” The statement was not a question, but one of understanding as it dawned on him; a tiger changing his stripes. “You know, it has… always been different for me when I am with you. Deeper. Perhaps I am too caring to a fault, but that does not mean I love you any less.”
Thor looked back at Fandral, when he heard the understanding finally dawn on the other Asgardian. Thor looked torn. “I know you don’t, but I don’t think I could bear it, if we continued on as we have.” It was just as simple as that. Thor didn’t want to share and Fandral had too much love to give. “I’m sorry, Fandral. This is on me.”
“Mm.” Yeah, that bottle of mead was sounding rather excellent just then. This hurt more than he was willing to admit and though his eyes shone with the threat of tears, he forced a small, tight smile. “I understand,” he replied softly, reaching out to briefly caress the other man’s face before dropping his hand to tuck it into his pocket. Thor was shouldering the blame, but Fandral couldn’t help feeling as though he were at fault simply for being the way he was. Nothing about this was fair. “And I suspect that there is nothing I can say that would make you reconsider, so I think it is time I take my leave and head home.”
“Perhaps in another life where I wasn’t so uptight.” Odin’s beard, this was the worst. All he wanted to do was push Fandral up against a wall and have his way with him, make that look on his face just go away, but that would be sending a mixed message that would put them right back at the beginning of trying to figure the two of them out.
It had been easier, before he realized his crush had grown into something more, something more meaningful. He looked away again, looking over the railing of the balcony they had found themselves on. “Safe travels home, Fandral.” Thor didn’t want to watch him leave, this was all too painful as it was.
“You say that as though another life is an option for me.” Maybe it was. If he’d gone from Asgard to Vallo, who was to say there weren’t other worlds out there? Other lives he could have?
But that didn’t change the fact that he wanted this Thor in this life and now he wasn’t going to have him. He blinked back his tears and put on a bit of a stiff upper lip, slipping his hand from his pocket and clasping it to Thor’s shoulder for a brief moment before he moved to leave. “Have a better rest of your evening, Thor. I will see you when I see you.”