noctis lucis caelum 🌙 (noctout) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-01-11 16:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, â‚´ inactive: gladiolus amicitia, â‚´ inactive: noctis lucis caelum |
Log ➢ Noctis & Gladio
WHO: Noctis Lucis Caelum and Gladio Amicitia.
WHAT: Gladio prepares to leave on a camping trip. Noctis tries not to struggle with separation anxiety. They both manage.
WHEN: Early December.
WHERE: Morningside Manor, Gladio's apartment.
WARNINGS: Brief mention of depression and suicide ideation.
STATUS: Complete!
Gladio knew the healthy thing to do was exactly what he had planned. A couple days away from everyone and everything to try to wrap his head around, well, everything. He knew he was notoriously bad for not letting himself process things when he had the option to focus on other people instead, so it seemed like a good solution to remove himself from that option. Or at least attempt to.
Except now that he was sitting on the floor of Noctis' living room and in the process of figuring out how much he could get into the hiking bag he'd bought, he started to second guess himself. What if this was temporary - though now clearly longer than the last place he'd been - would taking off for a few days just be wasting time? Time he could be spending with Noctis instead, even if he was nothing but a mess of jumbled emotions every time he as much as looked at Noct. Maybe it was naive to believe that a couple days out in the woods somewhere would be enough time to sort all of that out. That any amount of time, would be enough time when really, he'd had his whole damn life for the most part to figure out the complex mess of what exactly his feelings for Noctis were. And what do even do about them from there.
"There's no way all of that is fitting in here," he teased lightly as he held up the bag for Noctis to see in comparison to the rather large pile of things Noctis had deemed "essential.". Gladio grinned at him and set the bag down. "Besides, Noct, I'm going for a couple days, not a couple months."
Okay, so maybe it had been incredibly difficult for Noctis to accept the fact that his friend needed space. Away from you, his mind was quick to supply, but he knew that was just rooted in his extreme abandonment issues and not anything to do with Gladio specifically. It helped that he'd ventured into a few therapy sessions since his arrival in Vallo, and while he hadn't found someone he really clicked with yet, Noctis had a much better idea of what he was dealing with and how he could move forward in a healthier way. This was why he was able to avoid an immediate downward spiral when Gladio announced his plans to go camping for a little while. It was a huge step for his friend who always did for everyone but himself, and "I'm really proud of you," was the first thing Noctis said to him upon opening the door, stepping into his friend's arms for a tight, squeezing hug. He didn't push for any more information after that. He just wanted to express his support.
That, of course, meant yanking a number of things out of the Armiger, which inevitably sent them both down memory lane reminiscing over the road trip and carefully avoiding any talk about. Well. How it all ended.
"So bring another bag," he pointed out, crossing his arms as he eyed the pack Gladio was holding up. "A couple days is still a lot. What if something happens?" He knew he was being a little unreasonable, but still. Noctis grabbed the wool blanket folded nearby and tried pushing it into the top of Gladio's pack. It didn't really work. "You have a map, I'm assuming," he said while he worked, stubborn as all hell and determined to get this thing in there. "Do you know where the nearest waypoint is?"
Avoiding talking about how it had all ended was a plan Gladio easily got behind. Even if the start had had its own set of challenges and was wrapped up in grief with the fall of Insomnia, the death of their fathers, things had seemed so hopeful in those weeks. Take out the Empire, take back what was theirs, live happily ever after. The ultimate naivety. But even with the way it all ended, he couldn't help the soft look that came over him as they traded memories of their trip. Moments that had meant the world to him then, and still did now.
He laughed softly at the suggestion of bringing another bag. "You do know I have to carry it all, right?" he pointed out, the tease clear in his tone. The days of having everything at his fingertips had been convenient that was for sure. Though it wasn't like this would be his first time living out of a backpack for a few days, he'd often take off for the weekend or a couple days here and there where he could back home. He'd gotten used to surviving with the bare minimum.
"I have a map," he assured Noctis as he took a few things out of the bag and rearranged a little and suddenly the blanket fit perfectly on the top. "Have a couple spots picked out and marked and the closest waypoints marked too." Despite hating the idea of having to touch a magic crystal after everything, Gladio had to admit the whole system was fairly convenient. If he needed to, he could be back in under an hour.
"And a battery pack for my phone," he added. He reached for Noct's hand over the bag and gave it a squeeze. "It's just a few days," he promised. Again. Maybe more to himself than to Noctis.
"Can't you just use them as weights?" Noctis wasn't being completely serious. He'd object if Gladio actually brought two giant hiking packs. But it was nice to get this moment of levity where they weren't completely consumed by their past or, more than that, their guilt. And Noctis had a lot of guilt. "That can't be too heavy for you," he added, trying not to smile. It didn't work. He was shit at hiding how he really felt—at least around his friends, Gladio in particular. They'd known each other far too long, and besides, he was really tired of pretending these days. So when he looked at his friend now, it was full of warm affection and very obvious amusement.
Even when his friend talked about the map he'd gotten, Noctis continued to smile at him. You're really cute, he thought, but what came out was, "You're still such a nerd for this stuff." He might not want to hide things anymore, but that didn't mean he was going to make things awkward by saying too much. That would be unfair to Gladio, and incredibly cruel considering ... well. Everything.
He knew, logically, that Gladio was incredibly capable and always prepared for the trips he took. Even if something did go wrong, he'd planned for it, and hearing those plans helped ease some of Noctis' concerns. "Sorry," he said, smiling weakly. "It's—been a while. I know you'll be fine." He squeezed Gladio's hand in return and didn't immediately let go. "Take as long as you need. Just give me a head's up if you're about to move out there permanently. Preferably before you start building a log cabin." Another half-joke. Noctis wouldn't, actually, be terribly surprised to hear Gladio wanted to live the Man vs. Wild lifestyle full-time.
"Can't," Gladio replied at Noct's comments, a smirk on his lips, "getting old, got this weird pain right here," he added and pointed non committedly at the front of his left shoulder. Which, well yes, he wasn't twenty anymore and did wake up with random aches and pains he hadn't had even five years ago, he wasn't that bad. But that warm affection and amusement from Noct was more than contagious so he'd play into it. Certain that his own expression more than mirrored Noctis'.
A reason for this few days away really. He wasn't idiotic enough to think he could get over his feelings for Noctis in a matter of days - but just that it all felt so much right then. The years he'd denied it, the years he'd given into it, all of it crashed over him at any given moment now and he knew Noctis deserved so much more than he had to give. So he had to figure out how to live with it again.
Idly his thumb started to brush against Noctis' hand. "Definitely not looking at making it a permanent thing," he assured Noct. Was there some appeal to it? Hunkering down in the wilderness somewhere and ignoring the modern world? Yeah, of course. But he wouldn't. How could he when Noctis was right there.
Noctis rolled his eyes. "We're the same age, old man." Or, they were close. He hadn't actually gotten around to asking Gladio yet how many years had passed since his death, or how Insomnia was even doing in the wake of everything. Who was in charge now? Did they have a council? Really, though, Noctis didn't feel like he was entirely ready to hear more. It was one thing to give everything up in service to his people, but it was quite another to hear about what happened in the aftermath. Cowardly, perhaps. He'd ask later once they'd had a little more time to settle into this new situation. That was mostly why he was so supportive of Gladio's decision to leave for a little while. He'd need to find a way to try clearing his head too, but knowing himself, he'd likely choose work.
"You can," Noctis heard himself say. His heart wasn't exactly in it, but he'd lived with much worse than his close friend wanting to live elsewhere. Hell, the same exact thing happened to his dad with Cid and Wes, hadn't it? Okay, possibly projecting there. And it wasn't like Noctis would completely fail to visit Gladio like his dad had deliberately chosen not to contact his friends. Gods, he had so many questions about that.
He cleared his throat. "If this is something you actually want, Gladio, you should do it. It's not like I can't get to you." Noctis squeezed his friend's hand once more before letting go. "Besides, maybe it'll actually force me into nature once in a while."
"I appreciate that you're assuming I'm closer to thirty than forty," he replied with a bit of a laugh. There were days he felt it, there were days he felt more than that. But sitting there with Noctis, just talking like they used to, it was the first time in a long time he didn't feel it and felt much younger instead. Even if the reality of all those years stretched between them.
A reality he couldn't ignore as Noctis assured him it would be okay if he wanted to disappear into the wilds.
"Nah," he dismissed the idea. "I wouldn't want to leave you or Eddie -" a brief pause as he realized the way that might sound to Noct. "That's not something holding me back, okay? I want to be here for you." He raked a hand through his hair and shifted a little where he sat on the floor, uncertain if it was his place to put the level of honesty on Noct that his debated next words would be. But he wanted to.
"And uh - being on my own like that for too long," he glanced down as he talked, suddenly finding fastening up the bag to be the most fascinating thing. "It's not really a good idea for me."
He glanced up, tried to smile but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You say that like I haven't plotted out a few ways to get you out there already."
Noctis rested his hands on his hips and, for the first time since Gladio's arrival, focused all his attention on his friend to really size him up. The beard had never really helped the guy look younger. It was nice, and certainly attractive (a thought he skittered over quickly), but it made determining his exact age a little harder. Noctis quietly noted the lines on Gladio's face, the dark circles that weren't nearly so pronounced before everything went to shit, the weariness that seemed to weigh heavily on his shoulders. "I think if you shaved you'd look ten years younger," Noctis finally said, going with a light comment instead of all the words that clawed up his throat. The last thing he wanted was to make this more complicated between them. It was already, well. A lot.
His eyebrows raised when Gladio insisted he and Eddie weren't the reasons keeping him from moving. "That was reassuring," Noctis said dryly, but it was more a gentle tease than anything accusatory. He hoped they still knew each other well enough that his friend would pick up on that. Gods, please, let them have that at least. But he paused at his friend's next admission, his whole expression softening. Noctis was reaching out before he'd thought better of it, and really, this was why he'd never measured up as a sovereign in training: he was too impulsive, too emotional, too obvious about his priorities. He'd never been able to hide like his father did. And he didn't want to—not anymore.
"Okay," was all Noctis said at first, though, moving to stand behind Gladio. With his friend sitting, he was in the perfect position to weave his fingers into Gladio's hair, working apart the tangles so he could braid it. Perhaps that was a little presumptuous of him after all these years, but that was Noctis for you. He could admit that. "No long solo trips. I'll come with you for the next one and you'll get treated to me complaining the whole time." There was a faint smile in his voice, but it was tinged with sadness. He knew exactly what Gladio had been implying before, and he hoped this little display of comfort was enough to let his friend know he could always talk to him about it if he needed. Or just get his hair braided more often. Noctis would take any time spent with him, honestly, even if it meant getting his ass dragged out into the wild again.
It was surprisingly easy falling into the muscle memory of braiding. Noctis distinctly remembered learning how from Iris, who was very open about her criticism of his work. That used to delight him. He almost said something about that, but stopped short, letting the silence stretch between them until he finished and patted Gladio's shoulder. "There. Now you don't look like a chocobo nested on your head."
For all that he and Noctis could, and had, butt heads and not always see eye to eye on certain situations, there was still a measure of quiet understanding there. One that Gladio was infinitely glad for. One that had been formed through years of working so intimately together, all those years of training, their time travelling. The bond that had formed simply by time and being one of the few in each other's lives that knew who they really were and not who the world expected them to be. Noct and Gladio, not Noctis Lucis Caelum and Gladiolus Amiticita. One that he was endlessly relieved to find still existed. Noctis didn't ask for clarification, Noctis didn't ask for explanation. The fact he took the words for what they were and all the meaning behind them and didn't need to press further meant more than Gladio would ever be able to put into words.
He let out a soft sigh as he felt Noct's hands slip into his hair. And if it was presumptuous, he didn't really care. They had always been so tactile with each other and he had missed that. A smile crept across his face as Noctis talked about complaining. "Would you believe I even kind of missed that?" he asked factitiously, the tease clear in his tone. But he couldn't help but think on it a little. A trip, just the two of them, somewhere near a river or a lake - Noctis could waste the day fishing, he could sit there and watch and read a book. Something so utterly simply that after all they'd been through somehow seemed anything but.
Gladio was content though to let silence fall between them as Noctis braided, content to focus on the feel of those deft fingers in his hair. To get lulled into the comfort of it all. He took Noctis' hand when it fell to his shoulder and laced their fingers together to give Noct's hand a squeeze. "Thank you," he said, the words weighted with just how much he meant with that. Not just the making his hair look less like a chocobo nested in it, but the understanding.