Robert Frobisher (sincerely_rf) wrote in valarnet, @ 2013-09-05 17:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | !trigger warning, james, luisa rey, robert frobisher |
Not sure, exactly, how to word the latest dreams of mine. When such fails, I suppose I should be pleased I can turn to my dream-self, for he's far more eloquent in desperate times than I am. I can't promise this is exactly verbatim, but I've dreamt it often enough now that I suppose it should be close.
Knew I'd never see my twenty-fifth birthday. Am early for once. The lovelorn, the cry-for-helpers, all mawkish tragedians who give suicide a bad name are the idiots who rush it, like amateur conductors. A true suicide is a paced, deliberate certainty. People pontificate, "Suicide if selfishness." Career churchmen like Pater go a step further and call it a cowardly assault on the living. Oafs argue this specious line for varying reasons: to evade fingers of blame, to impress one's audience with one's mental fiber, to vent anger, or just because one lacks the necessary suffering to sympathize. Cowardice is nothing to do with it - suicide takes considerable courage. Japanese have the right idea. No, what's selfish is to demand another to endure an intolerable existence, just to spare families, friends, and enemies a bit of sou-searching. The only selfishness lies in ruining a strangers' day by forcing 'em to witness a grotesqueness.
I wish I could say that was just it, but it's quite a long letter. I have to marvel at my dream counterpart's calmness, his acceptance of it all, but I find myself - ironically - too cowardly to even want to attempt sleep in coming days, because, unlike my dream self, I do not want to see this through.
On the bright side, with these dreams came the missing half of the book I found some months ago. Tucked away amidst my music folders. Adam Ewing will comfort me for now, I suppose.