InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Why is the world spinning?"

shane collins (fistsfirst) wrote in valarlogs,
@ 2013-07-12 19:00:00

Entry tags:

claire danvers, shane collins

Who: Shane Collins & Claire Danvers
What: Surprise visit from the ex
Where: Stefan & Rebekah's, where Claire is staying
When: Thursday, time TBA
Rating/Warnings: Low/None

It had been months since Shane had seen Claire. He was more than a little nervous about seeing her again. After the things he said, the things he accused her of he wasn't sure if they could work things out. He had been a world class jackass.

After a little prodding and a little convincing from his sister Shane hopped on a plane and made his way to California. She talked him into winning her back despite his protests that he didn't deserve her. That she deserved better than him. She was smart and beautiful and he was a slacker and a jackass. From the beginning it never added up, never made sense. Frank made sure to remind Shane of that anytime the opportunity arose.

Tentatively he reached his hand up and knocked on her door. He wasn't so sure about this plan now. And silently he was cursing Alyssa who was sitting in their hotel room.

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tinygenius
2013-07-14 01:54 am UTC (link)

Say yes, she told herself. Tell him you're busy. Nat would have been an easy excuse. She could have claimed that Stefan and Rebekah were out and that she was babysitting. That would have been a lie, though, and Claire couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Yeah [...] I mean I'm not busy, we can talk." She had a feeling this wasn't going to be a very comfortable conversation, but she also knew that she did miss him. She didn't know if she was ready to go back to what they had been, but she didn't want to go on barely having him in her life at all. Claire wondered if it was even possible that they could be friends, after everything. Whatever happened there, it couldn't hurt anything to just talk.

"Um, do you want to [...] there's a coffee place down the street."

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fistsfirst
2013-07-14 02:44 am UTC (link)

Nothing about this situation or the conversation so far was comfortable. Shane had never felt so far from someone he was standing right in front of. He was grateful for the chance and it showed when she said she wasn't busy. A smiled formed on his lips. It wasn't quite a normal Shane smile but it was something.

"Since I haven't a clue where I am or what place you're talking about I suppose I'll have to let you lead the way. And just hope that you aren't planning to take advantage of me in some deserted alley," he said, a hint of the old Shane poking through and a teasing tone behind his words. Humor and sarcasm were two of Shane's best defenses against tough situations.

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tinygenius
2013-07-14 02:51 am UTC (link)

"Damn, how do you always know?" It was easy to fall back on old habits, old banter and for just a second Claire almost forgot that things weren't normal between them. There was a reason for that and she couldn't just forget it. They couldn't just go back to how they were and just pretend nothing had happened.

"Don't worry, Collins. If someone attacks us, I'll protect you," she teased him, because that was easier than thinking about things.

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fistsfirst
2013-07-14 03:27 am UTC (link)

"It's a gift," he answered with a shrug. There was a ghost of a smirk tugging at his lips.

Shane really wished they could forget it. That they could erase it from their memories. He knew that wasn't very likely to happen. Or even possible.

He couldn't stop the laughter that erupted from him. "You wouldn't even terrify a kitten," Shane returned without missing a beat.

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tinygenius
2013-07-14 04:13 am UTC (link)

They couldn't erase it. It wasn't the first time Shane had hurt her and it wasn't doing either of them any favors if she pretended he hadn't or just forgave him and let it be like nothing had happened.

"Well, of course I wouldn't, why would I want to scare a kitten?" Claire grabbed her bag and her keys as they talked and stepped outside, quietly pulling the door shut behind her.

"C'mon, it's just a few blocks."

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fistsfirst
2013-07-14 05:34 am UTC (link)

"And I thought you were supposed to be a genius or something," Shane teased, grinning over at her. "You totally missed the point."

This was the most normal Shane felt in months. He was ignoring the fact that the conversation was around the corner. He was holding on to a few moments of old habits before it disappeared again.

"After you," he said, gesturing for her to lead the way. "For the record I was only being gentlemanly because you know where we're going." The typical Shane smirk on his lips would hopefully let her know he was still teasing.

He walked beside her as they made their way to the coffee place. The smell of the coffee made him think of Common grounds and Eve and Michael and home. Once they ordered their coffees and were sitting across from one another there was nothing left but to talk. All the distractions and the banter couldn't help him now.

Lyssa had been working on him for awhile to talk to Claire. To try and fix things. It wasn't that he didn't want to or that he wasn't willing to do whatever it took, he just believed she could do better than him. It didn't matter how many times Lyssa tried to convince him otherwise. His father had drilled it into his head for so long that he was worthless that he believed it. It was hard to ignore that fact when he'd hurt the only girl he ever loved.

"I'm an idiot Claire. An asshole. I was stupid and I can't take it back." The strain of his emotions showed slightly in his tone and the way he kept dropping his gaze.

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tinygenius
2013-07-14 06:13 am UTC (link)

"I'm just saying, Collins. I'm tougher than I looked." Claire oh-so-maturely stuck her tongue out at him. Right now, it almost felt like old times. That was a nice feeling. Claire had been a little homesick out here. She'd made some new friends, but that didn't mean that she didn't miss her old ones.

"Of course you were. Don't worry, I wouldn't think you were actually trying to be a gentleman," she assured him, also teasing. This was a part of what she had missed. There was other stuff, too, but she told herself that what she missed most was their friendship.

It was a good thing they already had their coffee. It gave Claire something to play with, to focus on, while he brought up the topic she'd sooner avoid.

"You're not wrong," she said evenly, although she didn't know how she managed to keep her voice from cracking. If he was looking for her to disagree with him on any of those points, though, that wasn't what he was going to get. He'd messed up. Nothing he said or did could change that.

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fistsfirst
2013-07-14 06:34 am UTC (link)

"Damn you know me too well," he returned.

He wasn't looking for her to disagree. He was fully aware that they were all true. When they were together he mistakenly thought he could not be those things.

"I'm sorry Claire. I just...I keep messing up and you're always the one getting hurt." He had a pained expression at just the thought of it.

There were only two maybe three people he could let down some of his walls with like he was right now. One was sitting across from him and the other was hopefully back in their motel room.

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tinygenius
2013-07-14 07:35 am UTC (link)

There was a part of Claire that wanted to reassure Shane when he had that look on his face. She hated seeing him so down on himself. Claire knew he didn't have the greatest family situation. She knew what a jerk his dad could be. But she also knew Shane was better than all of it. Yeah, he'd messed up when it came to them and maybe that hurt so much because she knew how amazing he could be.

The thing was, though, that Shane needed to know it, too. He couldn't just accuse her of messing around on him every time he was feeling jealous and insecure. If he loved her, he had to trust her. He had to know that she loved him just as much as he loved her.

Everything he was saying was true, but she didn't really know what to say, how to react. "I can't argue with you, because everything you're saying is true," she began. The was a but there, implied in her tone, but Claire trailed off, unsure of where she was going with it. She didn't know how to fix it, whatever it was.

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fistsfirst
2013-07-17 02:11 am UTC (link)

Claire might have thought that Shane was better than that but it was never something he was entirely sure of. He spent all of his life believing that he was no good. His father was very good at beating his thoughts into Shane. Both emotionally and physically. And then one day he met Claire who was amazing and smart and beautiful and had a lot more going for her than he did. Eighteen years of listening to your father for that long makes it hard to not believe it.

Shane didn't know what to do from here. He didn't know what to do to fix this, to make it better. He was afraid to even ask if it was something they could even fix. He looked to her after she spoke. "What happens from here?" he asked. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

Unfortunately Shane couldn't guarantee he would never screw up again. It seemed to be in his nature, deep down in his DNA. Maybe they were too different. Maybe she deserved someone who wasn't a screw up.

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tinygenius
2013-07-18 12:59 am UTC (link)

The thing was that Claire wasn't sure whether this was something that could be fixed. She knew there wasn't any one thing he could say or do to make it better. Shane hadn't trusted her and that was something that was going to be really hard to get past.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I- Shane, we can't just go back and pick up where we left off."

That would be a mistake, Claire was convinced on that much. It wasn't that she couldn't forgive him or that she didn't love him. She just knew it would never work if they just brushed it away like it had never happened.

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fistsfirst
2013-07-21 11:53 pm UTC (link)

"Then where…where do we go from here?" he muttered. The overwhelming feeling of defeat weighed down his shoulders and darkened the light in his eyes.

As far as Shane was concerned it pretty much sounded like it was something that couldn't be fixed. He couldn't blame her of course. He'd been the idiot, the asshole for the umpteenth time. How many times could one person really forgive another for screwing up? Shane figured he finally ran out of chances.

He wasn't saying picking up where they left off would work but he didn't know what would. What was even harder to realize is that even as smart as he knew Claire was, she didn't seem to have an answer this time either.

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tinygenius
2013-07-26 07:09 pm UTC (link)

"I don't know." Claire looked down, anywhere but at him. She knew what she said hurt him. It hurt her, too, and she hated that. She hated that there wasn't any easy way to just fix it and move on. She missed Shane so much, but she knew she was right. She knew they couldn't just jump back into thinks like nothing had happened.

"I don't- I'm glad you're here. I missed you, but after. You actually believed I cheated on you, Shane. With Michael. I don't know how we're supposed to come back from that."

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	fistsfirst 2013-08-06 02:58 pm UTC (link)
	He really wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or say now. This was not going at all how he had hoped it would go. Shane had no idea how to fix this and apparently Claire didn't either. Shane sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I missed you, too." He honestly didn't know what else to say. It seemed like Lyss was wrong. "Friends at least?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

tinygenius
2013-08-09 12:40 am UTC (link)

Claire hated this just as much as he did. She hated thinking that what if it couldn't be fixed? What if things were just never the same between them again? It made her heart hurt and she hoped that wasn't the case.

"Of course," she answered him right away, nodding her head for emphasis. "God, Shane, you're one of my best friends. Nothing could change that." Nothing could change the way she felt about him in general, although she didn't want to admit that out loud. Even though she was trying to do the smart thing here, Claire was very much still in love with him.

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