InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "A bit o' the ol' ultraviolence"

April Foster (faerietalegirl) wrote in undertherainbow,
@ 2010-06-26 23:01:00

Entry tags:

april foster, kitt 2, miniver cheevy

I don't...

God. I don't know what's up with me today, I just... feel like everything's gone grey.

I remember how I used to deal with this. Back in New York, I'd shoot up, in Milliways I'd lock myself in my room or sit by the fireplace and draw. But here, everything's just... full and loud. I can't quite find a place to lock myself away, even when I'm alone, and I don't know why, and so the only thing I know to do to deal with it is the one thing I can't do.

I hate feeling like this.

-----------

Hey, brotherthing. You up to doing a little listening?

(Post a new comment)

	knight_2000 2010-06-27 04:19 am UTC (link)
	For you, April? Always. (Reply to this) (Thread)

faerietalegirl
2010-06-27 08:17 am UTC (link)

You're absolutely ace, d'you know that?

Big dump coming up - it's easier to write it all than say it, you understand.

I have bad days. Sometimes just maudlin and grey and hard to manage, like today, sometimes bad enough that it feels like the world's all crashing down on my head. It's always been like that for me, ever since I can remember. Used to be I'd manage it by reading, or drawing if I could summon the energy. After I got to New York and started dating this little rockstar wannabe, though, I started managing with drugs. Heroin, mostly. And as much as I never think about the fact anymore, I'm not actually related to Miniver by blood, I didn't meet him until after, so I didn't-- Mark tried, but he didn't understand the dark places and why I needed to do it.

I died. That's how I ended up in Milliways, where I met Miniver and we made each other family, that's why I was a ghost for a year in someone else's world. Roger and I weren't careful enough, and we got HIV, and I found out when I was on my own and already feeling like there was nothing for me, so I wrote Roger a note and took a box cutter to my arms and opened myself up. I still have the scars. That's why I pretty much always wear long sleeves - they freak people out.

Fuck, I'm crying. When did I start crying?

So... yes. That's me, and my dysfunction, or the biggest chunk of it. And that's why I needed to talk to someone, because everything's losing its color and I feel like the world might cave in at any moment, and all I fucking want is a hit to make it not matter so much. But I can't, because it's a bad idea, and I promised Min I wouldn't, and it's just overwhelming.

Sorry for unloading all this on you in one huge blob, when you're trying to deal with your own shit. :/

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

knight_2000
2010-06-28 01:14 am UTC (link)

Only because of my family.

I understand, April. Of course I do.

You can cry all you want. I have big shoulders. April, you never have to worry about talking to me, about anything. You don't ever have to apologize. I have seen too much - you won't freak me out, I promise. Nothing about you could.

I'll tell you what - I'll come over, and we'll go out. A movie or dinner or a museum, or even an art store. You could pick up some new drawing supplies. Or we could stay in and order pizza or something. Something so you're not alone, and I'm not alone, and we're not alone, together. What do you say?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

faerietalegirl
2010-06-28 01:29 am UTC (link)

I say being not alone together is probably the best thing for both of us.

Haven't been to a museum since I spent a week going through the Met when I was 19...

And... thanks, Kitt. You're going through your own shit, and family or not, it's still more than you have to do to help me deal with my shit when you're in the middle of all that.

You do realise this means you'll never ever get rid of me, right? :)

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	knight_2000 2010-06-28 01:56 am UTC (link)
	I think you're right. Maybe it's time again? Maybe you just need a match to light your creative spark? Don't you dare thank me. This is what families do. We stick together. You don't know how happy that makes me. Like music to my ears, April. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	faerietalegirl 2010-06-28 02:33 am UTC (link)
	Let's go somewhere with a good Van Gogh collection. He was... well, let's just say I feel very connected to him. Glad to know you're not gonna run for the hills. I don't like climbing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	knight_2000 2010-06-28 03:20 am UTC (link)
	I believe I understand why, April. Wasn't there just an exhibition in Paris? We could see if it's still showing. I'm not going anywhere. Well, except to where you are. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	faerietalegirl 2010-06-28 03:24 am UTC (link)
	Oh... oh, Paris! I've never been to Paris. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	knight_2000 2010-06-28 03:26 am UTC (link)
	I don't think I have, either. We have to go, then! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	April miniver 2010-06-27 04:39 am UTC (link)
	Where are you, sis? Let me come get you. I know somewhere we can go. Somewhere made for keeping your soul quiet. It's about time I showed it to you anyway. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Miniver faerietalegirl 2010-06-27 07:59 am UTC (link)
	Just tucked away in a corner of the bookshop right now, trying to soothe my soul with Emily Dickenson. Love you, baby brother. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	April miniver 2010-06-27 09:26 am UTC (link)
	I'll come get you in a few minutes. Don't go anywhere, okay? Just hold on. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Miniver faerietalegirl 2010-06-27 05:55 pm UTC (link)
	Not going anywhere. ♥ (Reply to this) (Parent)