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April Foster (faerietalegirl) wrote in undertherainbow,

You're absolutely ace, d'you know that?

Big dump coming up - it's easier to write it all than say it, you understand.

I have bad days. Sometimes just maudlin and grey and hard to manage, like today, sometimes bad enough that it feels like the world's all crashing down on my head. It's always been like that for me, ever since I can remember. Used to be I'd manage it by reading, or drawing if I could summon the energy. After I got to New York and started dating this little rockstar wannabe, though, I started managing with drugs. Heroin, mostly. And as much as I never think about the fact anymore, I'm not actually related to Miniver by blood, I didn't meet him until after, so I didn't-- Mark tried, but he didn't understand the dark places and why I needed to do it.

I died. That's how I ended up in Milliways, where I met Miniver and we made each other family, that's why I was a ghost for a year in someone else's world. Roger and I weren't careful enough, and we got HIV, and I found out when I was on my own and already feeling like there was nothing for me, so I wrote Roger a note and took a box cutter to my arms and opened myself up. I still have the scars. That's why I pretty much always wear long sleeves - they freak people out.

Fuck, I'm crying. When did I start crying?

So... yes. That's me, and my dysfunction, or the biggest chunk of it. And that's why I needed to talk to someone, because everything's losing its color and I feel like the world might cave in at any moment, and all I fucking want is a hit to make it not matter so much. But I can't, because it's a bad idea, and I promised Min I wouldn't, and it's just overwhelming.

Sorry for unloading all this on you in one huge blob, when you're trying to deal with your own shit. :/